I have debated what makes most sense in writing this blog…going in chronological experience order or simply what I feel like saying. I have been writing what comes to my mind on this topic so I feel I will continue in that order. I also have a lot of really exciting guest writers coming up so stay tuned for that. They will be covering feeling behind in life experiences I haven’t had and can’t speak to just yet.
In a previous post you got to read about my first ‘boyfriend.’ I have felt a bit ‘behind’ in the romance department ever since. I had my first kiss at 15 years old and most of my friends had done more by then. I am not even sure I liked my first kiss, but he liked me and I was behind so it did the trick. at 18 I got my first actual boyfriend….
I had a boyfriend before that but he lived in a different state so although he was one of my best friends he was kind of safe. I could say I had a boyfriend without having to have the day to day pressures. I think he was my way of keeping up but not doing anything I wasn’t ready for (hindsight made this more clear). I don’t want it to sound like I didn’t care for him, I did and still do…
Back to being 18 and my first love. I was ready for a ‘real’ boyfriend at this point and like most thing I do I completely jumped in. We went on dates, celebrated month-by-month anniversaries, said ‘I love you’ likely too soon, and had a physical relationship. I found myself trying to make that relationship jump five steps at a time because I needed to keep up with everyone else. This was one of the things that ultimately ended that euphoria of first love.
My next major relationship was at 26 with a nice guy who tried really hard to have feelings for me (which I take as a compliment – I mean I must be cool because he really tried). I held onto that relationship because everyone around me was getting engaged and in love so I had to be to…at any cost. I was willing to sacrifice his happiness and ultimately mine to ‘keep up.’ As you can guess that turned out well.
Both of these nice men are married with kids – to the woman they dated right after me. So perhaps I wasn’t ready for those next steps because I was simply going through the motions because I was ‘behind’ and allowed that to guide my actions.
Five year later, I am in a relationship that I am fighting for for the right reasons; feelings and my gut. I hope it works out but I can tell you one thing – the feeling of having to ‘keep up’ is no where in this relationship and it’s great. Is that because I am so far ‘behind’ I don’t feel the pressure or because I just don’t feel the need to ‘keep up?’ I don’t know but it’s nice not to have that pressure in this relationship. We have actually discussed the fact we always thought when we were younger we’d get married and have kids because it was what you did – but is that what we want? Don’t know, but I am having and will keep having a great time figuring it out without the pressure of being ‘behind.’