What If I Never…


Don’t worry – I am not having some kind of emotional breakdown. I am not asking what would happen if I were to leave now, I am pondering the thought of what the world would be like if I never existed in the first place. I recently had a good day and called to tell someone about it and the conversation ended in a lot of heavy things being on me – it was a lot to put on me and it got me thinking maybe my families lives would be better if my parents had stopped after my brother, or had a different (maybe better or easier) second child after him instead of getting me on the role of the dice. Most directly, maybe my parents would still be married. I know its cliche for kids to blame themselves for divorce, and I didn’t, until last night when I was told me and my relationship with my parents was a main cause of it. If I did not exist, maybe they would still be a united happy family, all with great relationships with each other. Maybe I am gum in the wheels that made this family not function correctly. I never really thought of myself as a difficult child or person, but it seems that I was and still am. I don’t even feel particularly emotional about the thought, it was really just something I considered after some of the things that came up in this conversation (after what was a pretty good day).

Don’t get me wrong. I like me and I like my life. I know I really matter to some people and one very cool dog. I have just been wondering since that conversation if perhaps the people around me might be happier if I had not existed. It doesn’t really matter because here I sit, typing this for you to read. The world is what is it with my impact as a person. The best I can hope for is to have a more positive impact on others and the world then I did on my family. A positive impact is what we all hope for, I mostly hope not to leave a negative one. I failed that in my childhood apparently, so I will try harder in my adulthood.

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