…is happening right now.
I usually write about my anxiety in retrospect but today I decided to write about it smack in the middle of it. I thought I could better relate it, or maybe worse because my mind is racing all over. So sorry in advance if it swings that way.
Heart isn’t racing but its at a higher pace then normal. Usually indicates some kind of anxiety but not the worst I’ve experienced. Feel slightly sick to my stomach and my muscles feel weak and wired at the same time. My mind is jumping to worst case scenarios of humiliation and horrible outcomes. My anxiety started this morning when I left Marty alone again in the apartment for the first time. I tried calming it but it wasn’t going anywhere so I slapped on a smile and tried to hide it. When that didn’t work I slapped on a smile and apologized to my volunteers for seeming anxious and explained the situation. They were very cool about it but then I had anxiety about sounding a little crazy. Classic case of anxiety about anxiety and the circular nature of it all. Then there was potentially a mistake and that gave me 100000000000 times the anxiety. I so badly want to succeed and do the best job possible that the idea of making a mistake absolutely sent my anxiety over the edge. Worst case scenario after worst case scenario is running through my mind. I just can make it stop, I want to so badly, but it isn’t that easy. Impossible comes to mind. So I am trying to travel back to my therapy and what I learned. How many times do things come to the worst case scenario? If they do, would that be the end? Or would I pull through it and find a way to live and move past it. That is helping a little. I am not yet to the point of having to use my grounding tools just yet, which I am trying to take as encouraging.
The outcome is that anxiety is a real bitch.