Something I Knew for a Really Long Time…

…and tried to ignore.

You were never really all in. I jumped and stayed all in for a long time. Then I slowly started realizing as years went by that would never be all in. That’s is when I started pulling out – and you still didn’t go all in. I pulled farther and farther until I was gone. Why would I stay in a relationship where I am all in and you are halfway out the door. I should have listened to that little voice inside me sooner. The voice saying he is never going to be all in for you. Do you really want someone who only kind of wants you? Because it’s convenient? Who sticks around because you put so much into it that he doesn’t feel the need to. I knew the answer was no, but I loved him so I tried anyway. I tried really hard for a long time. One day I woke up and just couldn’t anymore. I couldn’t be the only person in this relationship giving it my all and willing to take all the risks. That is why I think it started unraveling when I started living more ME again instead of for US. I did what you would have done – what was best for me. You didn’t like that one bit and it was the beginning of the end. Did you expect me to do all the work in the relationship forever? Did you expect me to stick around to do that forever while you waffled and wavered on if you wanted me or not? On if I was worth it or not? Let me tell you – I AM. I’d rather be alone then be the runner up to you. I am no consultation prize or something you deal with so you have regular sex. I deserve as much effort as a I put in. It’s a lesson I learn over and over again. Hopefully it sticks this time.

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