…with me all the time and apologizing for things that aren’t really my fault, but I am not.
I manage volunteers at a nonprofit which means I am constantly apologizing to EVERYONE for things that aren’t my fault. I apologize to volunteers, to visitors, to staff and to random people all day long. Most days I don’t really mind and it’s something I am used to. Other days I just can’t apologize for things out of my control anymore. I am NOT sorry I can’t predict the rain and that todays rain didn’t follow the typical pattern of San Diego rain. I wasn’t even in my office and someone was in my face, pissed off, looking for an apology for something that is out of my control. I just can’t – can’t. I work at a nonprofit and make shit money to be treated like poop by just about everyone. I can’t be your scapegoat today – try again tomorrow. I can’t apologize for the weather which is not in my control weirdly. I just wont. Look to someone else to vent your rage at today – if rain is your biggest issue it’s a pretty good day. I can’t apologize to one more person for something I didn’t do today and today has only just started. I half joke but mostly serious that I am professional apologizer – and I am. You think I’d be used to being the person that everyone is constantly angry at, well I am not. Maybe that is why I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in a week. I have had anxious sleep because I am constantly worried about who is mad at me today. I have a had quite a few folks in my life take advantage of that too. Maybe they just liked my worry and my constant apologies (assuming everything is my fault). Maybe it made them feel powerful or important, I don’t know. I do hope my torment was worth it for them though. I have since dismissed these people from my life. But in my work life I will just keep apologizing for everything I guess so I can pay bills and eat. But I can just barely do those things on my salary. I went into nonprofits to make the world a little better, but do I? Really – I don’t think I do. I guess I make the lives of those I constantly apologize to a bit better – but do they deserve it? Are their tiny feelings of power worth my emotional destruction? Just not sure anymore.