I Thought About Not Writing About This…

…but that’s not what we do here.

It was bad and it was all my fault. It makes me look and feel terrible. BUT this blog is about honesty with you and myself and the world so here we go.

Moved to San Diego (I keep meaning to write on that and other things keep happening). I am on the second floor and I love the place. Moved Marty in and stayed with him for a few days, then I had to go to work. For two day everything was great – then day 3. I left the windows open (screen closed – glass open), so that he would have fresh cool air. HUGE mistake. He tore open the screen (he could access it from on top of the couch) and JUMPED out the window. How do I know this? Thank god I got a pet camera. I saw him jump. I tried talking to him through the camera and stop him but he jumped. I ran out of a meeting with my Director and drove home as fast as I could. I was SO scared. I thought at best he’d have huge injuries and there was a good chance he was dead on the pavement. Suffice it to say I was not okay. But I just had to get to him and asses the situation. I pulled up and saw him walking around the courtyard. I was relieved to see him alive but was still certain he had injuries. I ran into the courtyard and assessed him. He was happy to see me and gave me the ‘Hey mom what’s up’ eyes. I looked all over him and squeezed (not hard, but firmly) all of his limbs and abdomen for signs of pain or injury. He showed no signs of pain and seemed completely normal. I thought to myself ‘thank god’ but didn’t really believe it. I scooped him up and we headed to the emergency vet. I wanted him thoroughly checked out for possibly internal injuries. Adrenaline could be hiding something crucial.

We arrived at the vet and had to wait four hours to be seen. That was okay by me because that meant he wasn’t in immediate danger by his initial exam by the tech. This was a tough four hours because I kept seeing emergency cases rushed in and animals in bad shape (as well as their owners). Marty and I tried to comfort the owners the best we could. One poor pup didn’t make it. His pet sitter was so upset and his family was on their way. It was not easy to watch, so kuddos to the people who work there and live it every day.

We get seen by the vet and he is examined and got an ultra sound for good measure and he is perfectly healthy. FREAKIN MIRACLE that I am so grateful for. Now, I cannot get the image of him jumping out a second story window out of my mind. It keeps replaying and I wanna cry every time. This was on me. It is my job to keep him safe and I failed. I FAILED BIG TIME. So now I need a new plan for him being in the apartment alone. I wont fail him again – who knows how many miracles I get in my lifetime? I need to do better. I love this dog so much, the thought of him being hurt makes me sick. Safety assessments in progress. I will keep you posted!

Waves of Anxiety

I haven’t been shy about my anxiety or my time in therapy to try to cope with that anxiety. I haven’t been shy about it because it’s not something I am ashamed of or think I need to hide, so I am going to tell you about a type of anxiety I have never experienced…until last night.

I had finally fallen asleep then woke up an hour later at about 1:00 am because my heart was racing. I thought maybe I had a weird dream or something and when it subsided I dismissed it…until about 5 minutes later when it happened again. My heart starts racing, I need to slow my breathing to try to slow my heart rate and anxiety just washes over me. Waves are the best way I can think to describe it because I could feel it coming and it started small, got bigger, crashed into me, then dissipated. These waves continued for about an hour.

While I am not ashamed of my anxiety (I can’t help it), I always feel bad when my anxiety affects other people. I worry they feel I am just being dramatic or out for attention when that isn’t at all the case. So I have anxiety about my anxiety. Also, I feel bad even trying to explain all of this to people in person because all they want to do is help you and tell you it’s okay. Really, this is a nice thing to do, but then I feel bad when them reassuring me doesn’t make the anxiety go away. You can see that they so badly want to help and you want to show them you appreciate it but it’s hard in the midst of anxiety waves.

One of the hardest types of anxiety to explain is the kind that doesn’t have a direct cause or source. This doesn’t happen to me often but that was the case last night – no direct source, it just happened. How do you tell someone that and not look like you are fishing for attention? And anxiety about anxiety comes around all over again.

Let’s talk about the physical manifestations of anxiety because no one else seems to be. For me, the biggest one is digestive system issues. Either I have a stomach that is in knots or it moves to my intestines causing restroom issues. The waves of anxiety destroyed not only my night of sleep but most of dude’s (which I feel pretty bad about, eventually I sent him home so he could actually sleep. I’ll be dammed if my anxiety gets to him too at 2:00 am). Now I have to go to work on very little sleep with these other physical manifestations be a leader.

So why tell you about all this? I want all those out there who are dealing with anxiety (from mild to extreme), and those supporting someone dealing with anxiety, that you aren’t alone. Kudos to those who support those of us with anxiety – you may not think you are helping much but you are, just by being there. Sitting next to us, holding our hand, telling us it’s okay and we are okay, and for me laying next to me and putting your hand on my hand (romantic comforting way) helps more then you know, even when we can’t directly express it. Thanks for listening all and if you need someone to talk to I am here!

Seems silly but this is what happened