A Sense of Purpose…

…has given me hope for a new window opening after all the closing doors.

This past couple of week I have felt I have a new sense of purpose again. I have been getting more shifts at work which has been really nice. Helping people and providing them with a fun and educational experience during a time when folks really need it has been really nice. I am always surprised with how good that feels (not matter how long I have been doing it). I got another part time job which is going to be super fun and fulfilling (I hope). I will tell you more about that after it’s firm. I have been getting more interviews and inquiries which gives me a lot of hope. I still haven’t heard from the listing I SUPER want, but I have hope about it. If not, another window will open I am sure. It’s great to feel a little hope and optimism again. That sounds kind of sad but it’s true. Getting into a set workout routine with goals has helped tremendously as well. My body is tired and sore but in a good way. It is also helping with my self body image. I feel better about myself which is great. Do I really look better? Who knows, who cares. I feel better and for right now that is more then enough. I look forward to more windows opening with the closing of other doors.

What If I Stopped Eating…

…for like three weeks.

This is a thought I just had. And I feel bad about having it because I really try to be super body positive (and lately most of the time I do pretty well). I, like many others, have put on weight during this pandemic and quarantine. It’s one of my highest weights, but I never felt super fat or unattractive (I had moments but not overall). For some reason today that changed and I felt really bad. I haven’t eaten much today, nothing really sounds good for some reason, and it occurred to me that if I managed to eat almost nothing today that maybe I could do that tomorrow. I work until 3:30 pm so it wouldn’t be that hard…same schedule the next day. Again, wouldn’t be that hard. Then I thought, how long can I do that to lose weight fast? Then I felt really bad. I am considering starving myself because my own internal pressure. This isn’t who I am! Weight or no I am still me and awesome. I am still attractive because I am loved for being me (which is the freakin dream and I somehow have it). And still, I was considering this.

While I recognize this is not cool, I do need to eat better. This is not an easy feet for me and a lot of people. I suppose I will just try my best.

Additionally, I have been taking a natural appetite suppressant and apple cider vinegar pills. I need a little help with curbing my appetite and impulses. But, I think this is something I may need to do on my own. Is this appetite suppressant a tool or a crutch? I dunno. I will keep you posted.

I know, two posts in one day! I was feeling this though and wanted to share it with you because it felt really real. If you are feeling the same way know you aren’t alone. Also know you are attractive because you are you and loved because you are you. So let’s make some changes to see the result we want, but not allow that to not appreciate the body that we are in now. I mean my boobs are looking good. It took time to gain it and will take time to lose it – until then I will enjoy the benefits of this body and not hate on it so much.