On Opposite Schedules Again…

…and it sucks.

My dude and I are back on opposite schedule with my return to work. I work every weekend – he’s off every weekend. I get up early and leave – he works late. I go to bed early, he goes to bed late. He told me the other day that he sees Marty (my dog) more then he sees me. And he’s not wrong. This is how our relationship is/was on the regular. BUT during covid we got a lot of time together and it made us better. I am worried we will drift apart. He forgot I would be in the bed this morning (it’s my day off). I totally get it. It just made me really sad. He is so sweet and lays down with me at night until I am sleepy. I know it is what it is and we both have to work. It just worries me, and I miss him. That sounds silly because I see him everyday, I just don’t get to spend the time with him without everything else going on anymore. Not sure if there is an answer or if it is just the way it will always be.

Negative Days Are Hard…

…to pull yourself out of.

I had a few things to write about that are all different yet connected.

Let’s start with work. I went into nonprofits because I wanted to do something good, do work I care about, and be cared about where I work. As I understood it, that was a perk of going the nonprofit route and it helped with the ‘gonna be poor’ part (no one goes into nonprofits for the money). I had that for a few years and it was great. I loved it – even the shit days with people who yelled and made me feel less then. It was okay, because then I would teach a kid something or my volunteers would be their awesome selves. Since COVID I understand that even nonprofits have to survive during these tough times – I just didn’t know it would be at the expense of most of it’s employees. But since I am writing this I suppose I am feeling it’s a lot at the expense of me. I didn’t realize that I was quite so disposable and forgettable. I guess that’s on me for being naive and kinda dumb. My bad. I am great at what I do and I know it. I think it’s time to start over at another place with a new mission to support that might need my skill set and contributions.

I am not married. I am in a relationship. He doesn’t want to move forward and is happy staying exactly where we are. I am not. But since I am the one who wants more I have the choice to leave the relationship or move only at his speed, because he wants to go slower. I read some stuff about it on the internet and it said that rushing someone will only get you dumped. But does that mean my timeline doesn’t matter? It’s not that I don’t want to respect his wants, I just want the same consideration. I don’t know what to do. I am hoping it will come to me.

Ideal world. My dude want to get engaged and combine our lives. I’d be good with a long engagement. I help him where he needs it and he helps me where I need it. It might also give me some opportunities to go back to teaching at nonprofits and managing when I work up to it. I love the problem solving in management but I miss teaching daily. I could contribute more to our lives together and moving my work happiness forward. Dare to dream I suppose eh?

A New Toy…

…can sometimes lift the spirits.

I got an early Christmas present in the form of an Apple watch. I wanted one for awhile and they went on sale and my dad and step mom got me one. It sound silly but it was really nice because it provided something else to think about other then worrying about COVID and it’s financial impact on my life. It was a bright light of fun and still is. I am in competitions to complete my rings which is a nice distraction. It’s just interesting how much it helps to have a little treat.

Marty also got groomed today and that came with a little surprise. His groomer made an ornament of him and it’s so cute! I love it so much. It brought me a little joy in a time where a little joy means a lot. On a less fun note, Marty now recognizes the door to the groomers. He pulled on his leash and started shaking. The groomer is great and does a wonderful job, he just doesn’t like to not be with me at home. So the positive experience of the ornament helped 🙂 So did picking him up hahaha

It’s also Christmas tree day for my dudes house. It will bring some much needed holiday spirit and joy. Toys can be great distraction and uplift the spirit.

10 Months Is An Awfully Long Time…

…to go without seeing your family.

But 10 months it has been. My nephew has doubled in size and will have zero idea of who I am. That’s okay though because he’ll know eventually. My family has lead their lives for ten months without seeing me and I without seeing them. I know people go a lot longer but I think this is the longest I have gone. It’s odd. I am going home next week. I know it isn’t 100% safe yet but sometimes you have to take a risk. If something happened to a family member and I didn’t see them when I had the chance – I couldn’t live with that. So I am taking the risk and going. Plus, everyone gets to meet Marty 🙂 He’s coming too! He’s excited for his first road trip (with me anyway – don’t know if it’s his first).

I am excited and nervous. I am always nervous to do that drive – driving in general makes me a little nervous. Thankfully my dude is probably coming with me to help with the drive. It’s also been some time since we all interacted so I hope it goes well. I hope the Tuscon crew can make it to see us.

Then it wont be 10 months till my next visit. I am hoping for Thanksgiving.

A Break Before…

…I’m broke.

I got another job working with the census folks. It pays well with a flexible schedule. I am very grateful! I have basically made a living out of talking to strangers so I have a feeling I will be very good at it. I wont starve! Hooray!

After my COVID demotion and pay cut, I still pick up some hours at my old job too (I make much less but it’s something). I am filming tomorrow with a HUGE script that I have one day to memorize and make presentable. I am going to do my best, but I hate doing anything less then prepared. Also, I am putting my own time into preparing –> I don’t get paid for most of it. I know we are all making sacrifices for our nonprofits to survive, but doing that has become so much harder since they sacrificed me without even the courtesy of a phone call (got an email that was clearly copy/pasted from someone else’s because it had their title not mine – I wasn’t even worth getting my old title right). I want to be good so I am gonna do it, but I hope anyone appreciates it, like at all, or even recognizes it. That would be nice. A woman can dream right?

Oh well — Back to memorizing and making more sacrifices.

Me, My TV, and…

…how quarantine is changing it.

I have always really liked TV and movies. Shows and movies allow me escape my world for awhile and wind down at the end of the day. They provide social connections to those around you and a way to find common ground with someone you have trouble connecting with.

Lately, with the self-quarantine there hasn’t been much else to do but watch tv (yes I read and I have more books on the way). That is slowly fundamentally changing my relationship with TV to something I am sort of trapped doing. Yes people found a million other ways to spend their time (maybe better ones) but I am having a hard time doing that. My apartment is clean, I workout almost every day, and I still work a bit. I am just out of things to do (insert shrug here). I don’t want TV and movies to morph into something I do because there is no other option but right now that is the case.

I can’t wait until my new books get here.

What has COVID changed in your life? Anything you used to enjoy and relax with that is now starting to change and grate on you?

Or am I just worried I am lazy and I am watching too much TV? Possible.

When Anxiety Has No Where To Go Except…

…out your eyeballs.

I have talked with you all about my issues with anxiety. This morning was a rough one. My main anxiety source is potentially and unintentionally hurting other people (particularly those I love and care for most). Well – I got it in my head that I was definitely going to unintentionally expose my dude to germs. So my anxiety took over and I cloroxed the whole house basically. I scrubbed all the pans with scalding hot water and generally freaked out. Once I had done all that, I just started crying for no other reason then I couldn’t think of another release for my anxiety. It had no other way out of my body then my eyeballs.

Very few people have seen my anxiety get this bad – I can count them on one hand. So I looked around me and I named five things I saw, four things I could touch and feel, three things I could hear, two things I could smell, and one thing I could taste to ground myself. It helped a little. It gave my mind real things to focus on rather then the things running around in my mind. I recommend trying it sometime even if you just need to feel a little more grounded.

A grounding tool for anxiety...
When you need to ground yourself.

Shout out to all my fellow anxiety ridden people and anyone dealing with all the stress in the world today. You aren’t alone friends!

How do you deal with stress and anxiety in the world today? How have you adapted your tools to social distancing and staying home?

A Kitty ‘Pawty’…

…and really missing having an animal in my life.

Growing up I ALWAYS had animals. I had dogs, cats, and even a bird. Since I moved out I have been lucky enough to have partial custody of my family cat for awhile and/or the people I have lived with have had wonderful animals I can spoil. Lately – finding myself on my own – I don’t have an animal in my life. I am constantly searching adoption websites and actually have a dog I want to meet BUT as I previously mentioned I can’t really afford an animal if something were to go really wrong and they would need emergency vet services. Working with animals every day has helped but now with self-quarantine I don’t see them too often either. I was trying my best to live with when…

…the cat party! OK it wasn’t really a party but I was out getting my mail and a cat walked about so I started petting it. It was SO sweet and had a pink color with bling on it. Then another cat walked up and wanted love too. I set something off in my heart I had been trying to quiet for some time. I need a pet guys. Seriously. It’s bad.

I know we aren’t supposed to pet peoples animals with whole COVID thing but I just can’t help it. I will never stop petting the animals that let me and like the attention. They are too cute and fill a whole in heart…a dog or cat shaped hole.