…then most other people in not a good way.
I had a pretty great day work wise – lots of wins. On the way home I got myself into kind of jam driving and it has been destroying me ever since. I hate driving on a good day. It causes me intense stress. I worry about getting into an accident and causing harm. And I came pretty close today. When I got home, I inspected my car for possible damage because I was convinced something bad happened and I was just too stressed and missed it. I feel insane sometimes. I spend so much time being anxious and worrying. Does everyone do this to themselves? Is it just me? Feeling a bit alone in my crazy tonight I suppose.
…it cascades layer by layer and could end in a bunch of broken glasses and wasted champagne.
When I am very anxious about one thing, it tends to waterfall into all my other avenues of anxiety. I am currently anxious about what everyone is anxious about – the pandemic and it’s affects on life, specifically my financial life. Work shut down today – and suddenly all my worst what if’s of the latest anxiety started becoming reality. How will I pay rent? I have previously written that even in the worst of times, I have grateful to have a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. I see that disappearing. (I know my family will help me but they are going through their own stuff and I don’t want to ask). The first time I can recall feeling anxiety was when I was little and learned about and saw homeless people. It shot up to the number one fear in my life – growing up to be homeless. I know I have a few options before that happens but boy does it feel super real right now.
This anxiety is cascading into my other avenues of anxiety (which are a bit more practical but that makes it easier for them to affect my actions. Last night I turned to my dude and said “don’t hate me but I have to run home and make sure I blew the candle out.” I was sure that I had done it but that one anxious thought took my brain over and changed my course of action. I had to come check – there was no other way to end the thought quickly. My dude was totally understanding and awesome and even came with me, but I am sure I looked like a bit of a crazy person. Also, to pinch pennies I am putting my therapy on hold. I can’t afford expenses that don’t pertain to rent or food or sanity (aka wine). So I will have to employ the tools I have learned and hope that’s enough to get through this anxiety champagne waterfall.
I am really hoping that none of my other glasses break in this champagne fountain, but if they do I can handle it. I hope – I know I will but a little hope never heard anyone.