I was really contemplating this last night as I was thinking about being around my family for Christmas. Are you really your true self around the people you know and love or do you feel like slightly different version of yourself with each of them? I do, I change things or hide things in order to be more aligned with their set of standards and what will make them love me. Honestly, it’s exhausting. Why can’t we all just be who we are and have everyone love us anyway. So Hi, I am Andrea. I have horrible anxiety and honestly the best treatment is marijuana. I smoke weed. I don’t think it is any worse for your then alcohol or other forms of smoking. I mess up a lot and I hate the injustices done inside my world and outside of it. I hate that most people are blind to other peoples feelings because they matter most to themselves. I love the corny things about Christmas, really I do. I don’t know if I want to get married. I definitely do want to get engaged. I don’t want kids because they need to be your whole life and I don’t want to give over my life. Also, I think you really need to want kids to devote what it takes to raising them. I don’t. I like my selfish life full of nights out, travel and sleep. I am also kind of sick of justifying that choice. I will love all of your kids till my dying days, I will. I just don’t really want my own. I want to see all the things the world has to offer and not be tied within a ten foot radius of my house. I love my dog an insane amount. He’s be cutest best dog ever. No contest. I like exercising and hate eating well. I get really excited about things and sometimes I way overreact and I am overs sensitive. That is my best estimation of the true me that I am right now. Take it or leave it.
But 10 months it has been. My nephew has doubled in size and will have zero idea of who I am. That’s okay though because he’ll know eventually. My family has lead their lives for ten months without seeing me and I without seeing them. I know people go a lot longer but I think this is the longest I have gone. It’s odd. I am going home next week. I know it isn’t 100% safe yet but sometimes you have to take a risk. If something happened to a family member and I didn’t see them when I had the chance – I couldn’t live with that. So I am taking the risk and going. Plus, everyone gets to meet Marty 🙂 He’s coming too! He’s excited for his first road trip (with me anyway – don’t know if it’s his first).
I am excited and nervous. I am always nervous to do that drive – driving in general makes me a little nervous. Thankfully my dude is probably coming with me to help with the drive. It’s also been some time since we all interacted so I hope it goes well. I hope the Tuscon crew can make it to see us.
Then it wont be 10 months till my next visit. I am hoping for Thanksgiving.
August is just around the corner…yet it feels like March. I know many of us feel this way. It’s been awhile since I have written because I didn’t have anything positive to say and I like to keep the tone of this blog honest by hopeful. So here I am in the mist of a pandemic trying to have a hopeful tone. It’s not always easy and I wont spread anymore woes to all of your wonderful people so it took me awhile to get inspired to write again.
I haven’t seen my family in 8 months – not a positive but had a positive effect. I miss them a lot. I don’t think I will take for granted being able to hop on a plane or in my car to visit. My nephew is HUGE! My mom is out there working. My brother is out helping people and my sister-in-law too. I just miss soaking in their company. Hopefully I will be able to again soon and I will be very excited.
It’s almost my birthday month (September). I am almost 35 and somehow it feels old, but not in a negative way. It feels a little more experienced – maybe it’s the age, maybe it’s living through this tough time. I don’t really know.
I hope you all are doing well and have a wonderful dog to keep you ‘pawsitive’ when you’re down. It’s been really nice 🙂 I do love puns…
My couch and I are going to have some quality time together. I don’t have a dining room table or a desk so it’s my work center, my entertainment lounge, and my main living space for the foreseeable future. I love my couch – it’s beautiful, it came with pillows, and it’s comfortable. But that is a small piece of why I love my couch. The bigger reason is that it was a gift from my brother when I really needed it. It holds love and support and belief in my life out here in California. I know that is a lot for a couch to represent but it’s true. I fit on this couch and it’s way to fit into my family when we aren’t together. It’s a place to fit when I displaced from other places I fit but don’t at the moment. When I feel unwelcome other places it’s here to give me comfort in more ways then one. So thanks for being all that in piece of furniture.
…my family as a unit and I wish someone would have told me.
Thanksgiving is getting near and I have some wonderful plans with my family and friends. I get to go home to Phoenix. It’s going to rain in the desert so I get that wonderful creosote smell. A lot of people have planned a lot of their time in my family to spend the holiday together in shifts. I am thankful for it all, but I can’t help but miss when there was one Thanksgiving dinner with my whole family. I wish someone had told me to savor that last one with the family all together and really soak it in (also the last one that Kellogs made stuffing for but that’s another story).
My last Thanksgiving with my family in tact was when I was 25 (almost a decade ago). I really wish I had known so I could really remember it and soak it in because I don’t. It seems so significant now and didn’t then. I am not saying I don’t enjoy what I have now or that it doesn’t work – I just miss that. Sitting together in the same day in the same meal. I miss not having to plan to equally split my time and arrange several meals. I understand it’s my reality and I don’t even mind it – just miss the original way today.
Is there a time you wish someone would have told you would have been your last time doing something?
Life wears everyone down a bit sometimes so I go to thinking about what recharges my batteries on life. When I started really thinking about it I realized it’s pretty small things.
Wine – I am serious. A really good glass of wine can make my whole day better. I am not talking about getting drunker here, I am talking about unwinding with a tasty glass of wine and letting a little warmth wash over you. Most winemakers put a lot of work and care into what they do and I think that makes a difference.
Exercise – to forget your troubles. My brain moves into a different and less busy space when I workout it. Everything else fades away and shuts off. I have never found anything that does this quite as well as exercise.
People- yep ya read that right. People can one of the big things that drains me in a customer service industry but they also restore you. Friends, family, and interesting strangers all offer new and different motivation everyday.
Goals – little ones. Reaching small goals I have set for myself – like paying off my car or saving for a Christmas present or any small goal really. Reaching a small goal fuels me to the next. Drops in the goal bucket add up quick.
Positive Action- help others. Almost nothing makes me feel quite as good as doing something nice for someone. Could be anyone. I donate blood if I am feeling like I need to contribute something good for the universe. I enjoy getting people little presents or doing surprise favors. Just gives me new life.
I am arranging a steak dinner date tonight for me and my dude. I normally can’t really afford to take him out to much (as you all well know by now) so when I saw a Groupon for a steak dinner for two people that was in the price range I was psyched! This whole thing got me thinking about dating, dates, and what makes a date. While I love romantic, fun dates with my dude I think dating is a bigger concept.
I take myself on dates! I think dating yourself is super important. Mostly, I take myself on movie dates but I have been known to take myself out for a glass of wine as well. If you can’t enjoy your own company, why would anyone else? Plus you don’t have to share popcorn. So get out there and get to know yourself. Going out by yourself is important in my book. You shouldn’t miss out on doing something awesome because no one else is available to go with you. Don’t be afraid to date yourself.
Dates with your friends are super important as well. Schedule time and activities with your friends – they deserve it! Catch up on what is happening on your lives and just have fun- but do it on purpose. Your friends are great! Don’t they deserve the same time, consideration, and effort as your significant other? I know I couldn’t get my without my friends so I try my best to make efforts and time for them. Schedule a date with your friends and you might learn something new about them! You will definitely show them how much they mean to you.
Go on ‘dates’ with your family! Schedule time with individual family members and spend some one on one time together. You will be very glad you took the time and made the effort. I love spending one on one time with my family members. I am always surprised with the things I learn about people I have known all my life – all just by giving them my time and full attention. You can also schedule group dates with your whole family and do something fun and intentional together that isn’t based around a holiday or big life event (i.e. wedding, funeral, birthday, etc.).
I do think that no matter what type of date you are on that you should commit to putting your cell phone away. I don’t mean it banished but do put it away other than emergencies or looking up movie times. Give your ‘date’ your full attention and spend real time with them – even if it’s yourself.
Yesterday with my 34th birthday and it was great. I had so many messages and well wishes. A group of people took a train to San Diego to go to a baseball game with me. My dad drove all the way from Phoenix to visit and bring me my present. My brother gave me something I truly needed and so appreciate. My dude moved my dresser all by himself which was huge load of my mind. I am so well taken care of between my family and friends. I do try to return the favor but sometimes I fear I may never be able to repay their love and kindness towards me. I truly don’t know what I did to deserve them and I know most of the time I don’t.
I am hoping that 34 will be my year. My year to advance in love, life, and career. It’s odd but I still don’t feel like a full adult most of the time…till I pay rent hahahaha.
For now I am reflecting on my 34 years of life. I have done just about everything I set out to do and messed up every step of the way. I don’t mean that in a negative way just to clarify. I like most of the screw ups I have committed – they taught me quite a bit and made my who I am. I have had successes and adventures to follow them. I look forward to my next 34 years and my successes and screw ups. I can’t wait to see what happens and what I make of it. However, I know without a single doubt that the people mentioned above will be a part of them and that makes me so happy and so fortunate.