Anxiety is Kind of Like a Champagne Waterfall…

…it cascades layer by layer and could end in a bunch of broken glasses and wasted champagne.

When I am very anxious about one thing, it tends to waterfall into all my other avenues of anxiety. I am currently anxious about what everyone is anxious about – the pandemic and it’s affects on life, specifically my financial life. Work shut down today – and suddenly all my worst what if’s of the latest anxiety started becoming reality. How will I pay rent? I have previously written that even in the worst of times, I have grateful to have a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. I see that disappearing. (I know my family will help me but they are going through their own stuff and I don’t want to ask). The first time I can recall feeling anxiety was when I was little and learned about and saw homeless people. It shot up to the number one fear in my life – growing up to be homeless. I know I have a few options before that happens but boy does it feel super real right now.

This anxiety is cascading into my other avenues of anxiety (which are a bit more practical but that makes it easier for them to affect my actions. Last night I turned to my dude and said “don’t hate me but I have to run home and make sure I blew the candle out.” I was sure that I had done it but that one anxious thought took my brain over and changed my course of action. I had to come check – there was no other way to end the thought quickly. My dude was totally understanding and awesome and even came with me, but I am sure I looked like a bit of a crazy person. Also, to pinch pennies I am putting my therapy on hold. I can’t afford expenses that don’t pertain to rent or food or sanity (aka wine). So I will have to employ the tools I have learned and hope that’s enough to get through this anxiety champagne waterfall.

I am really hoping that none of my other glasses break in this champagne fountain, but if they do I can handle it. I hope – I know I will but a little hope never heard anyone.

An Unwanted Visitor…

…it was a mouse. But more on that in a moment.

Nothing catastrophic has happened but the past few days have brought about a series of common place, but unfortunate events. On Saturday I dropped my phone. I have dropped it a thousand times in the four years it’s been my phone and it’s always been fine. From the second I dropped it I knew in the pit of my stomach it was gonna be bad. My screen cracked from tip to tail in a spider web fashion. Like I said, common place but unfortunate. I need to replace it but I hate phone shopping. It’s equivalent to car shopping – hidden fees you don’t expect and the second you leave the value of the thing drops. You need insurance on it just like a car and you try your hardest not to scratch it. Then when you inevitably do you feel bad because of all the hidden fees you paid and the monthly payments you make. Sunday night a heavy box fell on my foot. It puffed up in about 30 seconds. On the super plus side it’s almost completely fine now. Again, common but unfortunate.

Onto the mouse. I had a mouse. I knew this. The food was relocated but it didn’t help. I was watching TV and I saw him peak around the corner in the hall. I told myself ‘it’s in your head’ and went to investigate. No sign of the mouse. An hour passes and I see his little furry but scurry away behind the cabinet. I totally freaked out! I called in reinforcements who helped me put out traps. No luck with those until this morning. I turn the corner and DEAD MOUSE IN A TRAP. My reinforcements are off to work and my landlord is on his way over for another thing. I know that I have to muster the courage to get rid of the dead mouse on the floor before he gets here. That’s just good manners, can’t have guests with a dead mouse on the floor. It took 15 minutes and several times of trying, chickening out, and walking away. I finally manage to get close enough to move it. I have my broom and a paper bag to sweep him into. I start to sweep which is when I realize it…his dried blood has stuck him to floor. OK I tell myself ‘I am a grown ass, strong woman. I CAN DO THIS!’ I grab the thickest plastic bag in the apartment and half pick it up and half flip it into the bag. Then I take it outside and throw it into the trash. BUT on the way to the trash I start crying because I KILLED this mouse simply for looking for food and being a mouse. What right did I have to do that? But in the end it had to be done and the mouse got a swift death rather then being stuck to a glue trap or something. So I am going to keep telling myself that’s a good thing until the guilt subsides. Common but unfortunate event. Also, definitely the first time I have ever had to do that and I hope the last, or at least not to have to do it again for a very long time. It is now my greatest reason to get married, so someone is around to pick up the dead mice.

As I sit here typing this my internet seems to have stopped working all together. So the common place but unfortunate events continue. I am going to shower and hopefully rinse the feeling of dead mouse and the guilt of killing it away. Here is to better luck the rest of the week.

I’m in Love…

…and I don’t care who knows it! (can you name that Christmas movie?)

I am taking a little inspiration from Buddy the Elf today and telling you that my dude and I are officially in love! I have been shy about writing about it for awhile. I think I was afraid if I did it might go away or if it ends then I will look stupid…but that’s kinda stupid so here I am writing about it.

As our anniversary approaches I have been thinking about how happy I am to be with my dude. The other day he ordered my khaki pants so I wouldn’t be cold at work on weekends. If that’s isn’t love I don’t know what is. He is always doing little sweet things to take care of me because that’s what love is…taking care of each other as best you can. We officially said “I love you” not too long ago. I think we’ve known for awhile but verbalizing it makes it super official. Being around him makes me feel calmer and more excited all at once. I can’t wait to spend our first Christmas officially together (even if I totally caved and already gave him his present). He reminds me it’s okay to set my own p(e)ace.

So why was I so afraid to write it down and put it out into the universe? Sure, it might not workout – but what if it does? So I am choosing to share my happiness now and work to ensure to lasts. It’s the season of love after all! Share the joy.

Don’t forget to start your advent calendars today.

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Happy and Scared…

…at the same time.

My man and I are about two weeks into our reset as we call it and we hit our first real bump. I have been so happy and a little scared the last two weeks with him, but at this moment I am mostly scared. There are two sides to every story of course and this is simply my view so take it as you will.

He wasn’t truthful with me about our time apart when directly asked, on more then one occasion. I am not so upset about what happened, I am upset he felt he couldn’t tell me the truth about it. At the same time does he have to tell me the truth about it? We weren’t together and he was free to do what he wanted.

This subject (and a few martini’s and me already being scared about my PCOS) lead to some unkind words from me. I am not proud of it and I am sorry for the way I phrased a lot of things I said, but I am not sorry I expressed my fear on the topic. I spoke up for myself and what I needed in the moment and I needed to do that. Also, he isn’t taking any responsibility for his part in this fight and realizing that him not being truthful and concealing things twice, is really what set me off. His concealing things is what lead me to not be allowed into his home. Do I want a relationship with someone whose house I can’t enter?

The big problem was I wasn’t the only one who needed something last night. He hasn’t been feeling well and he needed rest – not my fear and picking at him. I knew he wouldn’t spend the night because he needed the rest (back story – I haven’t always reacted so well to this practice in the past as it makes me feel kind of abandoned. I have worked really hard not to feel that way and meet his needs but it makes me kinda sad still). I didn’t say anything when he went to leave because I really didn’t want him to feel bad or play into an old pattern. I must have looked pretty upset though because he said I did then asked why and I told him….I didn’t word it correctly and I should have. But I think he was so worried about me playing into that old pattern that he was waiting for it and maybe reacted poorly as well because of that expectation? or just because he didn’t feel well?

So my question to you today is how do you best compromise on a way to meet each others needs in the times you both have urgent needs?

Also, I am thinking of suggesting to him that we create rules of engagement when we need to talk about something serious or ‘fight.’ For example, 1) we only discuss the topic at hand – no old arguments 2) no serious talks after alcohol etc. I think these rules will help us communicate better and not fall into old, destructive habits. Does anyone out there have anything like this in their relationship?

At the end of the night I asked him how worried I should be about this ‘fight?’ He had the perfect response I needed in that moment. He looked me in the eye and said this conversation doesn’t change anything. That is my man and even if it doesn’t end up working out that was a wonderful moment of kindness and understanding. It was exactly what I needed and only someone who knows me would have been able to give m that. Hopefully we can continue setting our p(e)ace together and making a relationship based on this understanding and kindness.