Fuck. It’s the only word that I currently have to describe 1) getting Covid 2) the timing
I have been planning a volunteer appreciation dinner for months and it’s today. I tested positive for Covid last night. Damnit. I have just dumped a huge amount of work and huge event on my coworkers. This is the first big event I am in charge of and first big piece of work out new CEO was going to see from me. And now I won’t even be there. I swear sitting here not being able to help is the worst amount of stress I’ve had at my job in awhile. Not to mention I may have unknowingly exposed some of my coworkers. Craptastic. I think I am through the worst of my symptoms (thank god I’m boosted) but I’m still achey and it’s sitting in my chest. I have a pretty decent cough. Could be a lot worse tho so I’m thankful it’s not. But the guilt I have over missing this event is astronomical. I feel soooo bad about that. So if any of you are reading this post, I’m so sorry!
Shot #2 updates – felt fine all day yesterday but had some body aches before bed. Woke up and assessed myself. Body aches but thought I could push through it for work. Got up and got coffee. The body aches were getting worse and every once in awhile a random ache transforms into a sharp, stabbing pain. I decide it’s time to call out for the day because I can’t go more then 10 minutes without having to breathe through the body aches. I feel it’s the best option Because I’d rather they call in someone who will be able to stay all day then trying to be super tough and having to bail half way through. I also don’t live close to work. Like an hour at best not close. I don’t want to not be able to get home and I feel like I couldn’t drive there and back safely. I still feel guilty though. Maybe they’ll hold the call out against me later. Which is silly, they gave us time to use for the second shot. I just can’t help but feel that way. My anxiety I guess. Now marty and I are watching say yes to the dress and breathing through the body aches. I took Tylenol because that is what you’re allowed to take. Tylenol sucks. I could take the bottle of Tylenol and not feel anything.
I really like having my SNS nail dip manicure and regular polish pedicure. It makes me feel pretty, confident, and just plain better. It is definitely an expense ($75 per month). And I am pretty poor – but I work pretty hard. Since it makes me feel so good, is it wrong to spend that amount of money on it? It’s a hard week because I just got my hair done too (first time in 10 months) and I just feel like I have spent a lot on myself and my outward appearance. But these are all things I am judged on in my career. I need to present a put together self and confident self and these things do that for me. I feel amazing after and somehow still guilty about potentially not being able to pay bills months down the road if I get a month with less hours. I suppose I shouldn’t worry about problems that haven’t happened yet and just enjoy doing something for me. Do you all have a thing like this? You love it and it’s good for you, but you also can’t super afford it so then you feel guilty. Let me know below.
Nothing catastrophic has happened but the past few days have brought about a series of common place, but unfortunate events. On Saturday I dropped my phone. I have dropped it a thousand times in the four years it’s been my phone and it’s always been fine. From the second I dropped it I knew in the pit of my stomach it was gonna be bad. My screen cracked from tip to tail in a spider web fashion. Like I said, common place but unfortunate. I need to replace it but I hate phone shopping. It’s equivalent to car shopping – hidden fees you don’t expect and the second you leave the value of the thing drops. You need insurance on it just like a car and you try your hardest not to scratch it. Then when you inevitably do you feel bad because of all the hidden fees you paid and the monthly payments you make. Sunday night a heavy box fell on my foot. It puffed up in about 30 seconds. On the super plus side it’s almost completely fine now. Again, common but unfortunate.
Onto the mouse. I had a mouse. I knew this. The food was relocated but it didn’t help. I was watching TV and I saw him peak around the corner in the hall. I told myself ‘it’s in your head’ and went to investigate. No sign of the mouse. An hour passes and I see his little furry but scurry away behind the cabinet. I totally freaked out! I called in reinforcements who helped me put out traps. No luck with those until this morning. I turn the corner and DEAD MOUSE IN A TRAP. My reinforcements are off to work and my landlord is on his way over for another thing. I know that I have to muster the courage to get rid of the dead mouse on the floor before he gets here. That’s just good manners, can’t have guests with a dead mouse on the floor. It took 15 minutes and several times of trying, chickening out, and walking away. I finally manage to get close enough to move it. I have my broom and a paper bag to sweep him into. I start to sweep which is when I realize it…his dried blood has stuck him to floor. OK I tell myself ‘I am a grown ass, strong woman. I CAN DO THIS!’ I grab the thickest plastic bag in the apartment and half pick it up and half flip it into the bag. Then I take it outside and throw it into the trash. BUT on the way to the trash I start crying because I KILLED this mouse simply for looking for food and being a mouse. What right did I have to do that? But in the end it had to be done and the mouse got a swift death rather then being stuck to a glue trap or something. So I am going to keep telling myself that’s a good thing until the guilt subsides. Common but unfortunate event. Also, definitely the first time I have ever had to do that and I hope the last, or at least not to have to do it again for a very long time. It is now my greatest reason to get married, so someone is around to pick up the dead mice.
As I sit here typing this my internet seems to have stopped working all together. So the common place but unfortunate events continue. I am going to shower and hopefully rinse the feeling of dead mouse and the guilt of killing it away. Here is to better luck the rest of the week.
…causes you to miss big life events and celebrations of people you love.
I have loved being a nomad and living so many different places. I have met some of the most amazing people on this crazy journey and seen some awesome things. I never wanted to be the person who is too afraid to move from the place they lived in their childhood. But for all it’s benefits there are a lot of drawbacks too.
This weekend is my good friends baby shower that I am missing for a few reasons. 1) No money to go home for it. 2) I work weekends as my title is weekend manager. 3) I am taking vacation time next week already. Despite these being good reasons I still feel bad for missing it and not being able to be there. I want to be; it’s just not in the cards. My friend has been super understanding which is really nice. I am watching snaps of them getting ready for the shower and all and I am just feeling guilty and bit homesick I suppose. It is fun and hard to watch the social media posts at the same time.
Still at all the costs my lifestyle has I believe the benefits to my life and setting my own p(e)ace have been worth it. I will say that working every single weekend is starting to take it’s toll on my life; particularly my personal relationships. It has been weighing on my mind so much so that I am using my lunch break to write about it. When do you know that it’s no longer something you can do (because I have bills to pay)?
The spotting of my life goals started when I went to the movies. I have Tuesdays off and that is the discount day at the movie theater. I decided to take myself on a date to see Downton Abbey. There was an older couple sitting next to me. They shared popcorn and when the popcorn was gone they held hands. I have always said I want someone’s hand to hold throughout life and love. I couldn’t help but I hope I get so lucky as to have a hand to hold at the movies in my old age.
The second life goal I spotted was on my ‘ralk’ (my term for my Halloween 5K as it is a mix of walking and running). We have talked about my want to be the cute, fit woman in the sports bra just exercising, enjoying it, and looking awesome. Well she ran by me yesterday – confident, fit, tan, and great runner. Instead of being jealous I am now using her as a frame of reference for this goal. I am sure she started out like me and got where she is through dedication and hard work. Kudos to her and thanks to her inspiration, I ran farther then I ever have before! 1.77 miles is a lot in my world – note I did not say the longest because there was walking mixed in for a total 4.22 miles combined running and walking. Running is slowly getting a little easier and little less forced. I am hoping I finish the Halloween 5K with a decent time.
After my run, I met my work wife at the nail salon for a pedicure. The woman next to me was getting the deluce mani and pedi. I know it’s pedi (petty – pun) life goal but I would so love to be in a place financially that I can do that and not feel guilty. I already feel a bit of guilt for getting the basic pedicure. I life with deluxe manicures and pedicures…ahhhh I feel relaxed just day dreaming about it. She probably gets regular massages too which would be awesome!
My life goals may seem a bit simple but I truly believe that happiness and joy are found in the simple or little things. You already know that if you follow by blog but to drive the point home check out Woody Harrelson as Tallahassee from Zombieland below (his character understood this in his search for a Twinkie in the zombie apocalypse).
There is a Sex in the City episode that has spoken to me recently. The episode opens with Carrie buying an endless amount of gifts of an endless amount of registries looking for affordable items. Later in the show she adds up how much she spent celebrating one person’s life choices (engagement gift, wedding gift, travel for the wedding, baby gifts) and it’s not a small number. I started really thinking about this concept and it’s completely right.
She also says, “I’m thrilled to give you gifts to celebrate your life I just think it stinks that single people are left out of it.” She’s right – it does stink. I have spent so much of my hard earned money on others that I will never see if I don’t get married or have babies. (Everyone has birthdays that doesn’t count). This is not to make anyone feel bad about gifts purchased for you but it really does stink for single folks.
Every time I go to purchase something for myself I second guess it…do I really want to spend that money? When purchasing a gift I don’t think twice about spending more then whatever it was I wanted for me. So how much can I spend on myself without feeling guilty? Is there any money left after buying all the gifts I need to buy? Is there money for those gifts int he first place?
Set My Own P(e)ace 