Another Thing Getting a Job and Dating…

…have in common.

I am picking this up from the second interview/date point. Things on your first meeting went well. Your optimistic, but not so invested your nervous yet. Then they call for a second interview or a date. Nerves start to set it in. They’re interested, your interested. Your brain starts thinking of all the possibilities of where this could go. It starts from an excited place of all the great things that might be happening; you get the job and it’s great or you’ve met someone who you really like and start seeing me he future relationship in best terms. Then you realize your getting ahead of yourself and try to reign it in. This works but then you start thinking of all the ways it could go south. What if the second interview/date doesn’t go well and your hope sinks like the Titanic. Suffice it say you’re fairly nervous and psyched out by the second interview/date. You sound nervous at first, but then you calm down and start being yourself. It goes well. You feel good and hopeful again. But now your just waiting, checking your texts/email all the time waiting for an indication that they are on the same page you are. Then you start analyzing the by they might not be or how you might have misread how well it went. Do you tell people about the exciting potential opportunity? But if you do that and it doesn’t work out, then you have to tell everyone you weren’t chosen. I haven’t told a lot of people about this job interview for that reason (I have told some who helped me prepare, and you all). I don’t want to show them my disappointment of it doesn’t work out. Anyone else struggle with that? That’s my stage right now with the job I really want. Waiting, checking my email a bunch of times a day. It’s a very similar process to dating. Amazingly similar. Do you think that’s a coincidence or just a result of human nature? That we do important things in a similar way? I’ve definitely been on first dates that felt like interviews.

Hope Is Hard…

…in a lot of different ways.

I know as a human being I need hope. It provides lights at end of tunnels and reasons to keep trying. But Hope is HARD sometimes. I am up for a wonderful job that I really want but I am afraid to hope for it. I am afraid to even tell anyone about it. I have had so many interviews and so many no thank you’s. I have been so hopeful that I tell everyone about the interviews. Then I have to tell them that I didn’t get it…again. So I have only told a few people about the one that is coming up. It’s hard to let myself hope and risk another let down. But if I don’t hope why even try? So I have to hope a little. What the hell does realistic hope look like?

Hope in relationships is hard too. You work and hope and no matter what you do you have only so much control. The other person can decide at any moment they are out. Then all that hope goes away. Then its harder and harder to hope for good as you have future relationships.

Same with dating in general – especially online dating. You think you met someone nice and hope that first meeting goes well. Bad date after bad date causes that hope to diminish until you don’t even wanna try dating anymore.

I am sure there are phases of life and different ways we need hope that I don’t even know about yet!

Hope is tricky…needed and mostly good…but tricky.

Emotionally Moved in Unexpected Ways…

…while watching Kamala Harris accept the VP elect position.

I was excited when the Biden/Harris ticket won! I was at work when I got the news so I couldn’t fully focus on it. I had to run some errands after work but when I got home I turned on the news to watch the victory speech. After listening to Harris for about a minute I started to cry. I was so moved by seeing a woman become the Vice President. We are always told we can do anything as Americans, people, and women – but as we learned 4 years ago that isn’t really true…even if you are far ore qualified for a position. She said ‘I am the first woman in this position but I wont be the last’ and i just lost it. Seeing that strong woman in a leadership position just got me. I thought I might not ever see it. I thought of all the women who fought so hard and still fight so hard to pave that path. It is AMAZING and she is amazing.

Biden then addressed the nation with a wonderful speech about unity and working for the country – not just those who voted for him. That’s a leader.

Of course Marty and I are excited about the first rescue dog being in the White House too!

The work is just starting though – so much to do. Lets get started!

Little Signs…

…of hope for humanity.

Panic shopping has been all over the news lately – specifically with the hoarding of everyday needed items like toilet paper. The ones that hit the hardest are the elderly looking for toilet paper substitutes because other bought way more then they needed. Things like this show a really bad side of humanity in crisis. It’s a true side but really makes me question our values.

On my walk this morning I went by little signs that there are still awesome people in the world. I walked past a little sign in someone’s yard that read “This house believes…that love is love, science is real” and things of the like. I really enjoyed seeing it, reading it, and wondered about the family that lived there. I hope they have kids because they seem like the type of people who should and would raise good kids to be good and compassionate adults.

A little ways down the sidewalk I saw a little library in someones yard. For those that don’t know a little library is a free library where you take a book and drop one off. Sharing adventures in the form of books in a world where we are mostly trapped in the house for the foreseeable future is just a wonderful concept. This person took the time to build it, paint it super cute, and a very cool decal, stock it, and register it just to help people read for free; that’s pretty freakin cool.

I also saw a lot of people walking their dogs, walking with their kids and significant others, and kids actually playing outside. It was a pretty cool site. Keep up the kindness folks and spare a square of toilet paper for a neighbor if they need it.

Anxiety is Kind of Like a Champagne Waterfall…

…it cascades layer by layer and could end in a bunch of broken glasses and wasted champagne.

When I am very anxious about one thing, it tends to waterfall into all my other avenues of anxiety. I am currently anxious about what everyone is anxious about – the pandemic and it’s affects on life, specifically my financial life. Work shut down today – and suddenly all my worst what if’s of the latest anxiety started becoming reality. How will I pay rent? I have previously written that even in the worst of times, I have grateful to have a roof over my head and a warm bed to sleep in. I see that disappearing. (I know my family will help me but they are going through their own stuff and I don’t want to ask). The first time I can recall feeling anxiety was when I was little and learned about and saw homeless people. It shot up to the number one fear in my life – growing up to be homeless. I know I have a few options before that happens but boy does it feel super real right now.

This anxiety is cascading into my other avenues of anxiety (which are a bit more practical but that makes it easier for them to affect my actions. Last night I turned to my dude and said “don’t hate me but I have to run home and make sure I blew the candle out.” I was sure that I had done it but that one anxious thought took my brain over and changed my course of action. I had to come check – there was no other way to end the thought quickly. My dude was totally understanding and awesome and even came with me, but I am sure I looked like a bit of a crazy person. Also, to pinch pennies I am putting my therapy on hold. I can’t afford expenses that don’t pertain to rent or food or sanity (aka wine). So I will have to employ the tools I have learned and hope that’s enough to get through this anxiety champagne waterfall.

I am really hoping that none of my other glasses break in this champagne fountain, but if they do I can handle it. I hope – I know I will but a little hope never heard anyone.

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