Do I Want Kids…

…I don’t know. I really don’t.

Yes, I want kids. No, I don’t want kids. Both statements are really true.

Yes, I want kids. I have always thought I would have them. Was it my first goal on life? No. Are they a goal in my life. Yes. I want kids to enrich my family life. Adopt, give birth, whatever. Don’t really care how I get them. (although I have always leaned towards adoption). Is that a good enough reason to have kids?

No, I don’t want kids. I really like sleep. I like living my selfish life where I do what I want when I want without being tied down. I am also pretty poor and kids are expensive. What kind of life could I give my kid without being able to buy it much? I also think that kids are so much work that you really need to want them to have them. Right now, I don’t really want them. But biologically, I am reaching the end of my ability to have them safely. I also don’t want to be an old parent. I want to be able to chase the kid around and play on the floor. My body already is sore after working out! Imagine chasing a kid and lifting it and all.

I once had someone feel very weird about my answer of “I don’t know” about wanting kids. They seemed to not be able to process that I didn’t know for sure. That I didn’t strongly want or not want kids. It was a strange conversation. It almost felt like I had to apologize for my answer hahaha

I have no idea what to do…and freezing my eggs is too expensive.

40 Memes About Being Childless In Response To People Not Accepting That  This Is A Free Choice | Bored Panda

I Have Seen Creativity…

…kindness, family time, and so much more during this time of self quarantine.

I went on a 5 mile walk today (it’s easier with all this time and a beach nearby) and got to thinking about some of the good side effects of this self quarantine. Keep in mind I am in no way saying that a pandemic or quarantines are good, especially for my salary, but I do think it has helped bring out peoples creativity and an opportunity for family time (of course I say this as someone who isn’t trapped at home with kids all day).

I see so many more family units on walks, at the park, playing catch, and doing all kinds of things. It’s a really cool thing to witness. When I was a kid there weren’t nearly as many options to stare at screens so I played outside a lot. I hadn’t seen much of that – in fact I have had a hard time getting them off their phone when whales and other cool animals are in front of them. So seeing them all out, together, playing and running and having fun is cool

My friends, and people of social media, are SO creative! Especially with their kiddos and keeping them happy and entertained. They had a ‘baking show’ where they live streamed and hosted the show while making cookies, they turned their kids into robots with makeup, the arts and crafts projects are off the charts! It’s so cool to see. They have quarantine date ideas. My favorite suggestion I will be trying to to build a fort and have a picnic in it. That sounds awesome!

As for me, turns out I am a master brunch chef. Seriously my brunches have been good and pretty good for us! Now all I need is a mimosa.

I know it isn’t the best circumstance to have all of this creativity and quality time flowing, but maybe when this is all over we can keep of the things we learned in our everyday lives.

PCOS – P.retty C.learly O.vershadowing S.hit…

…oh what that’s wrong. Polycystic ovary syndrome. Let’s talk about it.

My impending OBGYN appointment to talk about my side effects of PCOS today got me thinking about my life with PCOS and all it’s complications in setting my own p(e)ace. At the age of 15 I developed crazy pain and wound up with a series of tests in the ER (one ended in hands in places I had never experienced – all legit just terrible). The next day and a CT scan later I found out I had PCOS and got to the to the OBGYN.

I wasn’t thrilled and it only got worse at 15. I went into the doctor and after telling them that I wasn’t sexually active three separate times they still didn’t believe me. They treated me like a liar and continued the exam. She was NOT gentle in any manor; it was rough and painful. No one told me what to expect before insert things in my body then exclaiming ‘Oh you are virgin!’

Since this fun first experience my least favorite symptoms have been hair in crazy places and weight issues. I realize this is nothing in the grand scheme of things but it’s not real fun to yoyo in weight and have random hairs pop out of my face.

Hormone swings are by far the worst. Imagine feeling off without being able to explain why. The people in your life tell you how bad you are acting but trust me it isn’t half as bad as it feels. You try to explain it but they brush it off as if it’s an excuse they don’t quite believe so you stop explaining it to people. If you can’t talk about that how do you talk about potential challenges with fertility. I am not even sure I want kids – if I do I want to adopt them – but worrying it might not be a possibility is a whole new feeling and worry about letting a future partner down potentially. I suppose it doesn’t do any good to worry but worry is a side effect.

That brings me to my latest symptom – a three week period. So I am going in today to hopefully get adjusted or find a cyst to get rid of.

I know PCOS is fairly common. If you need someone to talk to about it that will listen, I am here.