I love celebrating my birthday and other peoples birthdays. I think another year of life (and surviving it) it worth a big celebration! I think it’s worth celebrating the fact that your mom worked so hard and went through so much pain to bring you into the world on THAT day. The amazing things anyone of us has done since that day. What our lives mean to us and those around us. I love being joyful that you and I are in the world.
This year I feel kind of old though. I have Never felt old on a birthday – even when I turned 30 or 35. I don’t know why 36 suddenly feels old. Maybe it will pass before the actual day arrives. I hope it does because I would like to celebrate another year past and future year of possibilities. Maybe I will get a special birthday surprise – who knows.
SPOILER ALERT – If you haven’t read or listened to it, skip this entry.
I bought the book but wound up listening to it on Audible. I really enjoyed the book and most of the narration (I hated how she did Kya’s voice). It was an interesting take on human nature as affected by nature and the influence those in our lives have on us and who we turn out to be, even those that seem minor. Also, the lack there of. What does the lack of the affection we need when young and not so young do to us? How many betrayals can one take before nature takes its course.
Again, if you haven’t read the book stop reading now.
The mystery of Chase’s untimely demise. After a ride, the people find Kya not guilty. I personally thought it was Tate, but I was wrong. It was just in nature and deserved though which matches Kya’s perspective. Kya got over being betrayed – that wasn’t her motivation. After watching her dad beat everyone, and after Chases beating and attempted rape of Kya he surely deserved it. But what is unique here is that in natures terms, Kya wasn’t doing anything that wasn’t normal. Many females in nature off their mate for a lot less. Self-defense is one of the best in nature. Eat or be eaten and Kya wasn’t one to be eaten. Tate worked to protect her memory after finding her secret without even knowing the whole story (as far as we know although he suspected). Personally, I didn’t think less of her for having done it. Self-defense is important and facing a lifetime of terror, I understood it. Definitely worth the read about life, love, and survival of the fittest.
…have inspired me to have a little imagination to help quell my anxiety.
A family lives in the condo above me and they have three young girls. The weather has been so nice lately that I have had my patio door open. They are often outside on their own patio playing. They play the most imaginative games in a super small space and I find it amazing and inspirational. I was having a rough day after the few hours of work today. I had zero idea what to do with myself. I have worked out 4 times this week, I nominated a very worthy nonprofit founder for an award, the apartment is basically clean (I realized I do need to vacuum under my couch – badly), I have watched most interesting shows on all the avenues, I have started a good book but I don’t want to burn through it in a day. I am sitting here feeling anxious and feeling like I have no outlet, and these three little girls who are basically on top of each other not only get along well but can create these imaginative, intricate games and have so much fun. I think I need to take a page from their book and use my imagination as an adult. So now the question is how?
I am hoping figuring this out helps my occasional anxiety and helps me sleep better at night. I keep stress dreaming and waking up a bunch. So – maybe nap, then figure it out. Has anyone discovered any creative awesome hobby that doesn’t cost too much? I am thinking of getting some crappy old furniture and redoing it to be cooler. I need a dining table and it would be good if it has personality. What’s the worst that happens? I hate it and toss it?
One last fun note about the girls that live above me. The other day it rained glitter down onto my porch. I know it’s messy but it was a bit magical. Thanks for the inspiration and the magical moment.
I have been thinking what to write that would be as profound as I would like it to be to close 2019 but I think instead I will write what I know about the year in my world and hope it comes out with a little depth.
Change…so much change. My dad got married, my nephew is entering the person phase rather then pure baby, got more responsibility at work, and fell in love. Some of it was great and some of it wasn’t so great. Whoever said change is the only constant is definitely correct.
2019 (in non-chronological order):
My living situation changed as my roommate moved to Denver and I got a new roomie. Still miss Stef bunches, but enjoy living with Emily as well.
Dad got married – this is only a slight change as they lived together for awhile but my family did expand.
I fell in love which wasn’t always an easy process; we sure put love through it there for awhile. I learned that relationships are work but that it’s totally worth it for the right person. I hope 2020 brings more love that is earned.
I got more responsibility at work which hasn’t been the easiest transition. But I am getting there.
My weight has changed as in I have gained about 14 lbs. That doesn’t seem huge and it’s not but it does feel not great. I am not sad about it though because I learned something – happiness does not equal skinny. I am happier right now then most of the time I was super lean. The right people wont care and will see your beauty no matter the numbers (scale or pants). While I am glad to have this lesson under my belt I think it’s time to focus on healthier eating – not my forte – but I am going to try.
I am able to set better boundaries then I was one year ago so that’s awesome. I feel less guilt in setting them which is good.
I regularly attend therapy sessions. It’s been really helpful and nice to have an unbiased 3rd party to talk with about all these changes and emotions in my life. I feel less controlled by emotions and anxieties; although certain emotions and anxieties still hold a lot of power – but it’s a work in progress.
New year – same but improving me. I am always striving for improvement of myself. If you aren’t then what’s the point right?
I know the general thought is that you are enough being you. I do think that’s true but some days it just doesn’t feel that way. Today is one of the those days. There is no particular reason or cause I just don’t feel like I am enough in a lot of ways at the moment.
I definitely feel like I am not enough at work. I do my best and it’s all I can do but somehow it feels like it’s coming up short of other peoples expectations. That is a really shit feelings. Especially when those around me seem to be exceeding them on a regular basis. This brings me back to the comparing yourself to others isn’t a great idea when attempting to set your own p(e)ace.
I feel like I am not enough in my personal relationships either. I put effort in but is it enough? Am I good girlfriend? Am I good friend? Am I good sister? daughter? aunt? person? Today I am just worried about falling short of the mark. The kind of worry that rolls around in your brain like clothes in a dryer.
How do I set my own p(e)ace and be enough for all the aspects and people in my life? How do I give all those things and special people all I can and still have some left for myself? I am just not sure I know. I feel like I do really well concentrating on one section but then the others suffer.I set boundaries between work and life so I can have a life but then I feel like I am not doing enough. And the dryer of thoughts continue…
Maybe this is stemming from my ankle being messed up still and not being able to workout, specifically going to RIPPED. It always helps keep me sane and without it I feel a bit lost and a bit less attractive. I love getting a good sweat in and being the woman who legitimately uses her gym clothes (although I love just sitting around in them to hahaha).
I don’t particularly care for these days. It feels like I am voluntarily torturing myself but somehow can’t stop the dryer thoughts from going round and round either. My brother was always excellent at snapping me from this type of mood; but I am working on learning to do it myself. That is why I am sharing it with you. Maybe we can help each other and remind each other to be proud of the effort we put in and know it’s enough.
Yesterday with my 34th birthday and it was great. I had so many messages and well wishes. A group of people took a train to San Diego to go to a baseball game with me. My dad drove all the way from Phoenix to visit and bring me my present. My brother gave me something I truly needed and so appreciate. My dude moved my dresser all by himself which was huge load of my mind. I am so well taken care of between my family and friends. I do try to return the favor but sometimes I fear I may never be able to repay their love and kindness towards me. I truly don’t know what I did to deserve them and I know most of the time I don’t.
I am hoping that 34 will be my year. My year to advance in love, life, and career. It’s odd but I still don’t feel like a full adult most of the time…till I pay rent hahahaha.
For now I am reflecting on my 34 years of life. I have done just about everything I set out to do and messed up every step of the way. I don’t mean that in a negative way just to clarify. I like most of the screw ups I have committed – they taught me quite a bit and made my who I am. I have had successes and adventures to follow them. I look forward to my next 34 years and my successes and screw ups. I can’t wait to see what happens and what I make of it. However, I know without a single doubt that the people mentioned above will be a part of them and that makes me so happy and so fortunate.
Set My Own P(e)ace 