…but I have kind of enjoyed the time this pandemic has provided me.
Don’t get me wrong – I wish all the sick folks weren’t sick and that no one had died – but I have enjoyed having some time for me and my things and for my dude. We had such different schedules that I hardly ever saw him. I sort of wondered if we would be okay if we spent this much time together but it turns out we are better then okay. We are communicating better then ever and I miss him when we are apart. The time together has made out relationship stronger somehow. I enjoyed sleeping all I wanted and feeling rested when I woke up. I enjoyed not stressing about EVERY little and big thing at work. There are so many things I have missed too with the state essentially being shut down, but it wasn’t all bad from my little corner of the world. Does anyone feel this way? Am I crazy?
My couch and I are going to have some quality time together. I don’t have a dining room table or a desk so it’s my work center, my entertainment lounge, and my main living space for the foreseeable future. I love my couch – it’s beautiful, it came with pillows, and it’s comfortable. But that is a small piece of why I love my couch. The bigger reason is that it was a gift from my brother when I really needed it. It holds love and support and belief in my life out here in California. I know that is a lot for a couch to represent but it’s true. I fit on this couch and it’s way to fit into my family when we aren’t together. It’s a place to fit when I displaced from other places I fit but don’t at the moment. When I feel unwelcome other places it’s here to give me comfort in more ways then one. So thanks for being all that in piece of furniture.
when you find someone who sees the side of you, your most insecure side, and says ‘I’m good as long as you’re good’ I mean that’s the dream and it happened to me. Was having some panic about safety in a city and he took me to comfort zone and said it’s okay. There’s just not a better kind of love. For me anyway. His willingness to go out of his way to make me comfortable is the sexiest thing on the planet. Might sound a bit ridiculous but it’s true.
…about one another when we are still alive to hear them?
Recently, a coworker of mine passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly. It is incredibly sad. We held a memorial for her at work and all these wonderful people shared all these wonderful stories and traits of this person. It was really emotional and raw and true. All I could think was why don’t we say these wonderful things we think about each other when we are alive to enjoy them?
Don’t get me wrong – I know it is an important part of the grieving process – I just want to tell people these things now and have them tell me now while I am around to enjoy what they like/love about me and what I like/love about them.
Are we scared about the reaction we will get? As women, are we scared we will be seen as ‘too emotional?’ (we have all been accused of that at some point, am I right?) As men, is it just not in your first instinct? As humans are we afraid of the rejection of our true and honest feelings?
Seems to me, the world, and those of us living in it, could use all that love.
I have been thinking what to write that would be as profound as I would like it to be to close 2019 but I think instead I will write what I know about the year in my world and hope it comes out with a little depth.
Change…so much change. My dad got married, my nephew is entering the person phase rather then pure baby, got more responsibility at work, and fell in love. Some of it was great and some of it wasn’t so great. Whoever said change is the only constant is definitely correct.
2019 (in non-chronological order):
My living situation changed as my roommate moved to Denver and I got a new roomie. Still miss Stef bunches, but enjoy living with Emily as well.
Dad got married – this is only a slight change as they lived together for awhile but my family did expand.
I fell in love which wasn’t always an easy process; we sure put love through it there for awhile. I learned that relationships are work but that it’s totally worth it for the right person. I hope 2020 brings more love that is earned.
I got more responsibility at work which hasn’t been the easiest transition. But I am getting there.
My weight has changed as in I have gained about 14 lbs. That doesn’t seem huge and it’s not but it does feel not great. I am not sad about it though because I learned something – happiness does not equal skinny. I am happier right now then most of the time I was super lean. The right people wont care and will see your beauty no matter the numbers (scale or pants). While I am glad to have this lesson under my belt I think it’s time to focus on healthier eating – not my forte – but I am going to try.
I am able to set better boundaries then I was one year ago so that’s awesome. I feel less guilt in setting them which is good.
I regularly attend therapy sessions. It’s been really helpful and nice to have an unbiased 3rd party to talk with about all these changes and emotions in my life. I feel less controlled by emotions and anxieties; although certain emotions and anxieties still hold a lot of power – but it’s a work in progress.
New year – same but improving me. I am always striving for improvement of myself. If you aren’t then what’s the point right?
…and how many different kinds there are (not positions…kinds).
Before you’re having sex it’s shrouded in mystery. You have no idea the impact it can have or how many different kinds of sex and ways to have sex are out there. Sometimes it’s simple and sometimes it’s complicated. You can have different types of sex with the same partner. In reflection I find it really surprising and kind of wonderful. Sex sets the p(e)ace in a relationship. I am going to talk a bit about the different types from my perspective. These aren’t universal definitions and I would love for you to add to them in the comments section. I am sure there are many I haven’t experienced yet.
Sweet sex: this is the type of sex you have with someone you’ve been with awhile. You have it when you want to feel closer to your partner. It is high on emotion.
Lust: This is exactly what is sounds like but have can happen for different reasons. Sometimes you’re just in the mood. Sometimes you realize life has just been busy and it’s been awhile so now you’re craving the other person (kinda like how you can get so busy you forget to eat then someone mentions orange chicken and you’re staving all of the sudden). It’s raw and based on pure instinct.
Makeup Sex: Everyone is familiar with this one. You had a disagreement and now that you’ve made up you want to solidify that re connection with your partner. It’s fun and reassuring to each other.
For Your Partner Sex: Sometimes you are in the mood and your partner isn’t or vice versa and you do it for them. I actually really enjoy this type because it allows you to really focus on your partner. You are paying attention to what works for them and building on it because that is where your focus is. I really enjoy focusing on him and what feels good for him – moans and good reactions from him are always fun. I find this very beneficial for both partners.
Reunion Sex: When one of you goes on vacation and comes back after a few days. This combines not having had sex for awhile with your happiness at seeing your partner again. The reminder of their touch (not that you forgot just a reminder) and the joy that you physically feel just being with them.
Tonight was the my monthly wine party which is always a good time. My work wife and I sat at a large table. We were quickly joined by 4 other people. Two of them were a very friendly couple and the other two were also a friendly couple. As the night wore on, we discovered that the 2nd couple has only been dating three months. We were talking with the woman (her bf was getting wine) and she mentioned that it was new and she could still cut and run basically (my wording not hers). She then mentioned a meme she saw that made her laugh (it’s funny I will give her that) about a new relationship being like a shelter dog. I will mess your life up for awhile but if you can survive that I’ll love you forever. That’s when I realized she was me seven months ago! I completely had that mentality. I thought “oh this is new I can still have it end and be okay” which is completely a self defense thing. I was terrified of getting hurt, of getting what I wanted after so long and being so scared it would disappear that I had to joke about to rationalize it.
Also, I pushed my limits with my current dude. I didn’t necessarily do it on purpose but I definitely pushed my limits and his. I wanted to make sure he was going to stick around. That lead to a month break up -which I am actually really grateful for as it offered perspective into what I was doing. I got F*cking lucky that our love survived what I put it through. After listening to this woman I knew I had to say something. She was making the same mistake – pushing a good man to his limits. She might not get as lucky as I did and have her love outlast the tests. So I tried to tell her that you can only push so far before you push people away. I hope she took it to heart. I have been there and I have done that. I won’t say that no good comes from it because my dude and I worked through it but it’s definitely a high stakes gamble. I tried to pass on my lesson of don’t gamble with something you aren’t ready to part with.
…and I don’t care who knows it! (can you name that Christmas movie?)
I am taking a little inspiration from Buddy the Elf today and telling you that my dude and I are officially in love! I have been shy about writing about it for awhile. I think I was afraid if I did it might go away or if it ends then I will look stupid…but that’s kinda stupid so here I am writing about it.
As our anniversary approaches I have been thinking about how happy I am to be with my dude. The other day he ordered my khaki pants so I wouldn’t be cold at work on weekends. If that’s isn’t love I don’t know what is. He is always doing little sweet things to take care of me because that’s what love is…taking care of each other as best you can. We officially said “I love you” not too long ago. I think we’ve known for awhile but verbalizing it makes it super official. Being around him makes me feel calmer and more excited all at once. I can’t wait to spend our first Christmas officially together (even if I totally caved and already gave him his present). He reminds me it’s okay to set my own p(e)ace.
So why was I so afraid to write it down and put it out into the universe? Sure, it might not workout – but what if it does? So I am choosing to share my happiness now and work to ensure to lasts. It’s the season of love after all! Share the joy.
Don’t forget to start your advent calendars today.
Yesterday with my 34th birthday and it was great. I had so many messages and well wishes. A group of people took a train to San Diego to go to a baseball game with me. My dad drove all the way from Phoenix to visit and bring me my present. My brother gave me something I truly needed and so appreciate. My dude moved my dresser all by himself which was huge load of my mind. I am so well taken care of between my family and friends. I do try to return the favor but sometimes I fear I may never be able to repay their love and kindness towards me. I truly don’t know what I did to deserve them and I know most of the time I don’t.
I am hoping that 34 will be my year. My year to advance in love, life, and career. It’s odd but I still don’t feel like a full adult most of the time…till I pay rent hahahaha.
For now I am reflecting on my 34 years of life. I have done just about everything I set out to do and messed up every step of the way. I don’t mean that in a negative way just to clarify. I like most of the screw ups I have committed – they taught me quite a bit and made my who I am. I have had successes and adventures to follow them. I look forward to my next 34 years and my successes and screw ups. I can’t wait to see what happens and what I make of it. However, I know without a single doubt that the people mentioned above will be a part of them and that makes me so happy and so fortunate.
I have always thought that the little things in life are the important ones. It’s never taken much to amuse me and make me laugh and I live a pretty happy life because of it. A tiny treat in my day can completely make it. A small compliment can bring about a smile faster then most things.
Last night, after a very nice anniversary date, I felt quite sick to my stomach. (This confirms that my lactose sensitivity is growing as we had mud pie which is mostly ice cream). I ended up being sick in his bathroom and when I came out he had picked me two pink and white flowers for my hair (the same type of flowers I have tattooed on my side) and it was the sweetest thing. Then we laid down on a giant bean bag chair and just rested together – he acted as if I hadn’t just been sick in his bathroom. These two small acts are exactly what I needed in that moment.
Most people likely think we are a bit nuts for trying again but in these small moments I know why. In these small acts of kindness I know his heart and who he is and how it matches mine in a lot of ways.