Does Anyone Else Have This…

…as their first thought when a family event is scheduled?

I have a cousin getting married in September and my first thought was how much weight can I lose by then and what would it take? That is my first thought before a lot of family events/holidays. Why is that? My own insecurity I suppose. I don’t think my family really cares (might judge a bit). What am I trying to prove or avoid? If you are a single woman in your 30’s is this thought more prominent? Am I trying to prove that I am not single because I ugly? Maybe. Doesn’t seem real healthy – mentally. Just wondering if I am alone in this or if it’s common.

Audible with Andrea…

…Radical Love by Zachary Levi

I have had a crush on Zachary Levi for some time (rooting for Benjamin on Marvelous Mrs. Maisel). So when I saw he had come on Jameela Jamil’s podcast I weigh, I naturally hit play super fast. He was on to talk about his new book, Radical Love and his journey and experiences with struggling mental health. I am all about being open about my struggles with anxiety and really enjoyed his take on the podcast. I also really enjoy his voice (hello Flynn Ryder), so that never hurts. Luckily for me he narrated his book for audible. A lot of what he had to say resonated with me (outside of religion – not my bag). Especially the recurring theme of you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself, understand yourself. We should be open and honest and talking about all this. He sets a great precedent in being so open. While he does talk about the people in his life (parents, exes etc) he does it respectfully. There is no other way to tell his story then to include them. He does try to see their experiences through the lenses of their traumas. It’s not a tell all fashion because that isn’t his goal. I respected that a lot. I totally recommend. We are all moving through life, wading through our inherited generational trauma doing the best we can. We aren’t alone. And if I am going to be anyone’s company, I will always chose this handsome fellow.

The End of August Has Arrived…

…and all my mind hears is “This is Halloween This is Halloween!”

Although the current heat wave is making it a little harder. Although I grew up in Phoenix, AZ so it was never real cold on Halloween or anytime surrounding Halloween. I can’t wait to decorate the apartment and go shopping for Fall items! OMG it’s going to be awesome. As a desert dweller I am taught to fear and hate Summer. I don’t mind admitting I am the Basic Witch who loves all things Fall and especially Halloween!

I woke up again with anxiety over work and worrying I am dropping the ball and doing a bad job. It wasn’t as bad as the previous night but enough to make me tired today. Anxiety doesn’t just poof go away when you figure it out – it continues to flow through your body for awhile. Or at least it does for me. It flows in blood for awhile making all my cells buzz a little with it. That is the best way I can think to describe it. I hope it doesn’t happen again tonight. It is becoming a problem.

After Binging “Ted Lasso…”

I FUCKING LOVE IT (imagine that on Roy Kent’s voice).

If you haven’t watched it – stop reading now SPOILER ALERTS.

The season 2 Christmas Episode is my favorite – so good. They address mental health and the cheeriest person you know suffering from it. The person trying to hide it is the one suffering behind the scenes. Not saying Ted isn’t a positive person, I am saying watch those who put positivity so far out front that you can’t see what is behind it. Most of us do it. After finally facing and working with his anxiety and panic attacks a trusted friend tells the world for Ted to be ridiculed. 1) Can we move past a world where there is this stigma with mental health? It is like any other imbalance – if your arm was broken you would fix it. If your hormones are out of alignment you fix it. Mental health isn’t any different. Why is the world making seeking help with mental health a sign of weakness or something bad? It’s not. It’s brave. 2) I might hate Nate more then any other TV character ever. Seriously – fuck that asshole. Grow up. You have shit with your friends you talk it out. 3) LOVE Roy Kent. Love him.

Seriously though – good show. I highly recommend you give it a watch. I know late to the Ted Lasso bus but I am on board now. Can’t wait for season 3.

Is It Normal…

…to constantly feel like you are failing at something?

If it’s not work then it’s personal relationships or school or hobbies or something. I always sort of feel like I am somehow failing to live up to expectations of those around me. At work, I feel like no matter how much I do I am always missing something. Something that seems obvious to everyone else around me and I am an idiot for missing. In my personal relationships, I feel like I am never doing enough for everyone and I have somehow failed them and to live up to what they expect from me as well. And everyone expects something different on different scales. It’s maddening. It’s completely maddening. I am not one, but I hear parents say they feel like they are failing at that too (if you are worried you are failing as a parent – you aren’t). When does the feeling of failing stop? Does it ever? Is that part of this culture we’ve created? When is enough enough? Never – off to see what I fail at next. This concept is killing my mental health at the moment.

20 Fail Memes That'll Keep You In A Good Mood -

Role Models In the Public Eye…

…Simone Biles and the entire women’s gymnastics team.

Not only is Simon Biles the GOAT but she is an advocate for her own mental health. She knew her limits and communicated them. She put herself first and its AMAZING and so, so strong (physically and mentally). I don’t know why anyone is criticizing this move on her part. She isn’t willing to kill her mental and possibly physical health for medal. She is the best (and doesn’t need a medal to prove it), we all know it, and now she’s even better. Didn’t think it was possible but here we are. Also, I am seriously considering trying the Athleta Brand because they stuck by her and spoke to how wise her choice was. I can’t imagine the pressure on her. Just WOW. That is mental trip I never want to take.

This brings me to the rest of the womens gymnastics team. They supported Simone in her decision, respected it, and stepped up. They are AMAZING. Jordan Chiles crushed events she hadn’t even warmed up. I mean damn! Way to show up. They earned a silver medal and that is so awesome. The media keeps portraying it like “they lost the gold’ ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! They won a silver medal at the Olympics. They crushed it. I read something that said they hope America still loves them. Well I am here to say I love you and am DAMN proud of that team of women. ALL OF THEM.

People have been posting the Kerri Strug injury and how horrible it was that she was basically manipulated into competing with an injury that wound up ending her gymnastics career. People called it heroic, and it was, but it shouldn’t have been asked of her. She should have been prioritized over a medal and a coaches career (that didn’t end with that injury).

Simone Biles made the choice that was right for her, her teammates supported her, and they all won a silver medal at the Olympics. All amazing results.

Role Models in the Public Eye…

…Dan Levy.

I am about half way through Schitt$ Creek and have been introduced to the amazing human being that Dan Levy is. He not only costars in the show, but co-created it with his father, Eugene Levy. His sister is in it too and I love the whole family affair aspect. The jokes are hilarious and the timing is perfect. He has created a completely loveable character brought this beautiful LBGTQ character to our screens. He has given a role model for us all, but especially a group of people who needed one.

“To not have to define yourself or categorize yourself, I think, is beneficial to everyone. I think the more we can understand that people just exist and that as long as we’re doing good in this world, we don’t need to bother or worry about defining or classifying people, the sooner we’ll be in a better place.” -DL

One of my favorite moments in the show is when David and Stevie are using wine to discuss his preferences in a sexual partner.

He is open about his anxiety which is amazing. We need more people talking about and normalizing mental health. I really respect his being open and honest on this subject. Sometimes talking about your anxiety really helps! It can also cause some anxiety. It’s a weird oxymoron, but he dives in and lets us know we aren’t alone in our anxiety. Even the best of us deal with it (the best of us being Dan Levy).

He is an amazing guy and great role model. He is who he is and that’s what he gives in his writing, acting, and living life. How can you not love that? I have no idea what makes a better role model.

My Anxiety Got…

…the better of me….again…

I have health insurance again so I can resume therapy – which is the good news. Prioritizing this in my costs among the many, many costs became necessary when the my anxiety burst out of my body a few days ago.

Like most anxiety attacks, it was irrational. Anxiety can not be rationalized away in most cases (for me anyway). I series of things to stress about had just built up (not big things but felt big at that moment) and one little thing (that was mostly in my head) set off and eruption that had no where to go but out my eyeballs. Funny thing tho – I usually calm myself and eventually it passes. My dude happened to be there for this one and he just held me tight and it really helped a lot. I know there is a while science about this with your nerve endings and all and that’s true and cool but this felt like a hug for my soul. He genuinely cared that my anxiety was that bad in a way no one really has before. It was really nice to have.

I need to remember to prioritize my mental health too. A lesson I keep learning and I am sure will learn countless more times.

When Anxiety Has No Where To Go Except…

…out your eyeballs.

I have talked with you all about my issues with anxiety. This morning was a rough one. My main anxiety source is potentially and unintentionally hurting other people (particularly those I love and care for most). Well – I got it in my head that I was definitely going to unintentionally expose my dude to germs. So my anxiety took over and I cloroxed the whole house basically. I scrubbed all the pans with scalding hot water and generally freaked out. Once I had done all that, I just started crying for no other reason then I couldn’t think of another release for my anxiety. It had no other way out of my body then my eyeballs.

Very few people have seen my anxiety get this bad – I can count them on one hand. So I looked around me and I named five things I saw, four things I could touch and feel, three things I could hear, two things I could smell, and one thing I could taste to ground myself. It helped a little. It gave my mind real things to focus on rather then the things running around in my mind. I recommend trying it sometime even if you just need to feel a little more grounded.

A grounding tool for anxiety...
When you need to ground yourself.

Shout out to all my fellow anxiety ridden people and anyone dealing with all the stress in the world today. You aren’t alone friends!

How do you deal with stress and anxiety in the world today? How have you adapted your tools to social distancing and staying home?

Waves of Anxiety

I haven’t been shy about my anxiety or my time in therapy to try to cope with that anxiety. I haven’t been shy about it because it’s not something I am ashamed of or think I need to hide, so I am going to tell you about a type of anxiety I have never experienced…until last night.

I had finally fallen asleep then woke up an hour later at about 1:00 am because my heart was racing. I thought maybe I had a weird dream or something and when it subsided I dismissed it…until about 5 minutes later when it happened again. My heart starts racing, I need to slow my breathing to try to slow my heart rate and anxiety just washes over me. Waves are the best way I can think to describe it because I could feel it coming and it started small, got bigger, crashed into me, then dissipated. These waves continued for about an hour.

While I am not ashamed of my anxiety (I can’t help it), I always feel bad when my anxiety affects other people. I worry they feel I am just being dramatic or out for attention when that isn’t at all the case. So I have anxiety about my anxiety. Also, I feel bad even trying to explain all of this to people in person because all they want to do is help you and tell you it’s okay. Really, this is a nice thing to do, but then I feel bad when them reassuring me doesn’t make the anxiety go away. You can see that they so badly want to help and you want to show them you appreciate it but it’s hard in the midst of anxiety waves.

One of the hardest types of anxiety to explain is the kind that doesn’t have a direct cause or source. This doesn’t happen to me often but that was the case last night – no direct source, it just happened. How do you tell someone that and not look like you are fishing for attention? And anxiety about anxiety comes around all over again.

Let’s talk about the physical manifestations of anxiety because no one else seems to be. For me, the biggest one is digestive system issues. Either I have a stomach that is in knots or it moves to my intestines causing restroom issues. The waves of anxiety destroyed not only my night of sleep but most of dude’s (which I feel pretty bad about, eventually I sent him home so he could actually sleep. I’ll be dammed if my anxiety gets to him too at 2:00 am). Now I have to go to work on very little sleep with these other physical manifestations be a leader.

So why tell you about all this? I want all those out there who are dealing with anxiety (from mild to extreme), and those supporting someone dealing with anxiety, that you aren’t alone. Kudos to those who support those of us with anxiety – you may not think you are helping much but you are, just by being there. Sitting next to us, holding our hand, telling us it’s okay and we are okay, and for me laying next to me and putting your hand on my hand (romantic comforting way) helps more then you know, even when we can’t directly express it. Thanks for listening all and if you need someone to talk to I am here!

Seems silly but this is what happened