…might be one of those things that no one with anxiety really talks about.
Last night my alarm went off at 3:00 am for some stupid reason and it set off the alarm in my head. My anxiety focused in on one thing at work. One thing that I will likely suffer a lecture for but my anxiety convinced me I was FOR SURE getting fired. Once you logic that out and feel better in your head the physical symptoms are not really easy to get rid of. Fast heart beat, hot and sweaty, pit in your stomach – the worst. AND you are worried you are going to wake your partner up and they will 1) see just how crazy you are 2) that you will wake up the person you care about at 3:00 am for anxiety your brain made up. The second worst part is being emotionally and mentally tanked the next day.
Lots of stuff happening at work – lots of stuff I am in charge of. What if it goes wrong or south and I fail? Or can’t fill my former bosses shoes? All that has culminated into a few days of awful stress. That’s not to say it is anxiety all day everyday the past week. I have had some really great moments with friends and my dude. Moments that remind me there is more to my life then work. I am kind of living for those moments this week. I look forward to my San Francisco trip in two weeks. It will be nice to have a break.
HAHAHAHA the show I am watching right now is talking about anxiety and how it’s okay to get help. It’s true – therapy rocks!
I know the general thought is that you are enough being you. I do think that’s true but some days it just doesn’t feel that way. Today is one of the those days. There is no particular reason or cause I just don’t feel like I am enough in a lot of ways at the moment.
I definitely feel like I am not enough at work. I do my best and it’s all I can do but somehow it feels like it’s coming up short of other peoples expectations. That is a really shit feelings. Especially when those around me seem to be exceeding them on a regular basis. This brings me back to the comparing yourself to others isn’t a great idea when attempting to set your own p(e)ace.
I feel like I am not enough in my personal relationships either. I put effort in but is it enough? Am I good girlfriend? Am I good friend? Am I good sister? daughter? aunt? person? Today I am just worried about falling short of the mark. The kind of worry that rolls around in your brain like clothes in a dryer.
How do I set my own p(e)ace and be enough for all the aspects and people in my life? How do I give all those things and special people all I can and still have some left for myself? I am just not sure I know. I feel like I do really well concentrating on one section but then the others suffer.I set boundaries between work and life so I can have a life but then I feel like I am not doing enough. And the dryer of thoughts continue…
Maybe this is stemming from my ankle being messed up still and not being able to workout, specifically going to RIPPED. It always helps keep me sane and without it I feel a bit lost and a bit less attractive. I love getting a good sweat in and being the woman who legitimately uses her gym clothes (although I love just sitting around in them to hahaha).
I don’t particularly care for these days. It feels like I am voluntarily torturing myself but somehow can’t stop the dryer thoughts from going round and round either. My brother was always excellent at snapping me from this type of mood; but I am working on learning to do it myself. That is why I am sharing it with you. Maybe we can help each other and remind each other to be proud of the effort we put in and know it’s enough.
I have been listening to the Hunter Hayes song ‘Dear God’ lately because I relate to a lot of lyrics (you should know I am agnostic so it’s not about religion in my mind). Check out the lyrics below, google the song.
Dear God by Hunter Hayes
Here I go again Three glasses in, counting my sins Home alone again It’s three in the morning, just me and my demons at war again So I’m calling in Are you listening? You made a man this fragile You made a heart that can break You show me the road less traveled Knowin’ I’m gonna run away You make me love so hard When everything I love just leaves
Are you sure there’s nothing wrong with me? And why does my life have to hurt so much? Why can’t I find any peace or love? And why do I feel like I’m not enough? Dear God, are you sure that you don’t mess up?
Can we still call it praying if All that I do is sitting here cursing Cursing your name again The truth is it’s not even you It’s just me that I’m up against But you made me this Can we share the blame for this? Mmm’Cause after all you made a man this fragile You made a heart that can break I know you show me the road less traveled Knowin’ I’m gonna run away You make me love so hard When everything I love just leaves
Are you sure that there’s nothing wrong with me? ‘Cause why does my life have to hurt so much? Why can’t I find any peace or love? And why do I feel like I’m not enough? Dear God, are you sure that you don’t, that you don’t mess up?
You don’t mess up I know you don’t mess up I know that you don’t mess up I know this ain’t for nothing There’s nothing you don’t make I know you got your reasons This shit’s just hard to take I don’t mean to criticize you I know I’m hard to teach I know you tell me there’s nothing wrong with me
Yeah, but why does my life have to hurt so much? And why can’t I find any peace or love? And why do I feel like I’m not enough? Dear God, are you sure that you don’t, that you don’t mess up? You don’t mess up I know you don’t mess up, yeah Dear God, just remind me you don’t mess up