Honestly, How Often Do You…

…get to be yourself?

I was really contemplating this last night as I was thinking about being around my family for Christmas. Are you really your true self around the people you know and love or do you feel like slightly different version of yourself with each of them? I do, I change things or hide things in order to be more aligned with their set of standards and what will make them love me. Honestly, it’s exhausting. Why can’t we all just be who we are and have everyone love us anyway. So Hi, I am Andrea. I have horrible anxiety and honestly the best treatment is marijuana. I smoke weed. I don’t think it is any worse for your then alcohol or other forms of smoking. I mess up a lot and I hate the injustices done inside my world and outside of it. I hate that most people are blind to other peoples feelings because they matter most to themselves. I love the corny things about Christmas, really I do. I don’t know if I want to get married. I definitely do want to get engaged. I don’t want kids because they need to be your whole life and I don’t want to give over my life. Also, I think you really need to want kids to devote what it takes to raising them. I don’t. I like my selfish life full of nights out, travel and sleep. I am also kind of sick of justifying that choice. I will love all of your kids till my dying days, I will. I just don’t really want my own. I want to see all the things the world has to offer and not be tied within a ten foot radius of my house. I love my dog an insane amount. He’s be cutest best dog ever. No contest. I like exercising and hate eating well. I get really excited about things and sometimes I way overreact and I am overs sensitive. That is my best estimation of the true me that I am right now. Take it or leave it.

When it is Okay to Say…

…how you feel.

I struggle with this question a lot. As someone who tends to feel a lot it’s hard to live in a world where most other people don’t – or at least aren’t uncomfortable expressing those feelings. Expressing things like sadness or disappointment – especially with someone you really care about is really, really difficult. People who are uncomfortable with expressing feelings or having feelings expressed to them often over use the term ‘over sensitive’ to describe those of us that express our feelings frequently and really get defensive about it (again, this is from my perspective so if you disagree totally fine). I have already discussed this term and how I feel about it, so I wont reiterate that to you. So does that mean that you just have to bottle up how you feel? Should you pick and chose the times to tell people? Should I conform to a majority world that isn’t comfortable with my expression of feelings?

Like I said, I struggle with this question a lot. I don’t want to cause strife where there is none. I never think simply expressing how I feel and getting it out of my brain will cause problems, but it tends to. So, do I just learn to live with keeping those feelings in most of the time? That doesn’t seem healthy.

The thing on my mind right now isn’t an end of the world or ‘deal breaker’ thing, but it is actively on my mind bumming me out. If I say it to this other person though it might cause a whole to do – which would not be my intention. Especially when this person does a lot for me already – does that mean I ignore this item and pretend it doesn’t matter? Is that something this other person has earned and that my feelings on this matter aren’t as important? It’s such a hard question.

So I am putting it out to my small but awesome readership. How much of yourself do you compromise to fit into the world around you?

Sometimes I Feel A Bit Invisible…

…but again it’s only a feeling.

It’s true, lately I have been feeling quite invisible. BUT like I wrote it’s only a feeling. I think when I feel negative things they are mostly in my head. Are they based on actions of myself and others? Sure. Are those actions malicious on either part? Absolutely not.

I have decided I dislike the term sensitive, especially when paired with the term over. Getting excited about things is one of my favorite qualities about myself. Sometimes that comes with a swing the other way. Sometimes I overreact and let my feelings steer me. I am working on it but I honestly don’t dislike that about myself either. You always know exactly what I am thinking and feeling and I like that about me. It’s more then I can say for most the people in the world. I do understand that most of the world wont like it and that it hurts people sometimes. That is the part I am trying to fix. I will allow myself to be myself around those who understand it and love me (and whom I love) and I will practice more control around those who don’t. This will be for my benefit and theirs.

Being invisible does have some benefits. I don’t mind flying slightly below the radar. I fear I have become too good at it. A lifetime of being someone’s second may have left me without knowledge of how to be a first. Do I want to be seen? Do I want that responsibility? Is this all in my head? To quote Albus Dumbledore, “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” I want to be seen by a select few for sure, but what of the others? I pop this question around my mind pretty frequently.

Sometimes being invisible is really nice and sometimes it hurts like hell. But if a few wonderful people can see me- well that’s enough for me. Thank you to those who see me. I really appreciate it. I hope you know that I see you too and I care.