What If I Stopped Eating…

…for like three weeks.

This is a thought I just had. And I feel bad about having it because I really try to be super body positive (and lately most of the time I do pretty well). I, like many others, have put on weight during this pandemic and quarantine. It’s one of my highest weights, but I never felt super fat or unattractive (I had moments but not overall). For some reason today that changed and I felt really bad. I haven’t eaten much today, nothing really sounds good for some reason, and it occurred to me that if I managed to eat almost nothing today that maybe I could do that tomorrow. I work until 3:30 pm so it wouldn’t be that hard…same schedule the next day. Again, wouldn’t be that hard. Then I thought, how long can I do that to lose weight fast? Then I felt really bad. I am considering starving myself because my own internal pressure. This isn’t who I am! Weight or no I am still me and awesome. I am still attractive because I am loved for being me (which is the freakin dream and I somehow have it). And still, I was considering this.

While I recognize this is not cool, I do need to eat better. This is not an easy feet for me and a lot of people. I suppose I will just try my best.

Additionally, I have been taking a natural appetite suppressant and apple cider vinegar pills. I need a little help with curbing my appetite and impulses. But, I think this is something I may need to do on my own. Is this appetite suppressant a tool or a crutch? I dunno. I will keep you posted.

I know, two posts in one day! I was feeling this though and wanted to share it with you because it felt really real. If you are feeling the same way know you aren’t alone. Also know you are attractive because you are you and loved because you are you. So let’s make some changes to see the result we want, but not allow that to not appreciate the body that we are in now. I mean my boobs are looking good. It took time to gain it and will take time to lose it – until then I will enjoy the benefits of this body and not hate on it so much.

My Quarantine Cooking Skills…

…haven’t improved much since the start of this thing.

I have never been much a chef. I can make a few basic things: chicken fajitas, salmon, and stuff in the airfyer (new skill). It’s not that I never wanted to learn to cook I just have no natural talent for it. I have found one good thing that helps a lot (besides wine) – prepared meat from Trader Joes. It comes pre season and marinated – all you do is cook it. SO good. I highly recommend the pesto chicken.

I used to bake quite a bit as a kid but lost touch with finding joy in that. I lost it somewhere around Christmas cookie season when I couldn’t get the stained glass cookies to work and wound up throwing the dough against the wall (not my finest moment).

When this started I thought to myself I will have so much time to cook I will improve and I did in one area – breakfast food.

I have found that I don’t really like cooking all that much, or at least cooking as much as I have been. I know it’s cheaper to cook your own food but my grocery bills have NOT been cheap.

Me, My TV, and…

…how quarantine is changing it.

I have always really liked TV and movies. Shows and movies allow me escape my world for awhile and wind down at the end of the day. They provide social connections to those around you and a way to find common ground with someone you have trouble connecting with.

Lately, with the self-quarantine there hasn’t been much else to do but watch tv (yes I read and I have more books on the way). That is slowly fundamentally changing my relationship with TV to something I am sort of trapped doing. Yes people found a million other ways to spend their time (maybe better ones) but I am having a hard time doing that. My apartment is clean, I workout almost every day, and I still work a bit. I am just out of things to do (insert shrug here). I don’t want TV and movies to morph into something I do because there is no other option but right now that is the case.

I can’t wait until my new books get here.

What has COVID changed in your life? Anything you used to enjoy and relax with that is now starting to change and grate on you?

Or am I just worried I am lazy and I am watching too much TV? Possible.

When Anxiety Has No Where To Go Except…

…out your eyeballs.

I have talked with you all about my issues with anxiety. This morning was a rough one. My main anxiety source is potentially and unintentionally hurting other people (particularly those I love and care for most). Well – I got it in my head that I was definitely going to unintentionally expose my dude to germs. So my anxiety took over and I cloroxed the whole house basically. I scrubbed all the pans with scalding hot water and generally freaked out. Once I had done all that, I just started crying for no other reason then I couldn’t think of another release for my anxiety. It had no other way out of my body then my eyeballs.

Very few people have seen my anxiety get this bad – I can count them on one hand. So I looked around me and I named five things I saw, four things I could touch and feel, three things I could hear, two things I could smell, and one thing I could taste to ground myself. It helped a little. It gave my mind real things to focus on rather then the things running around in my mind. I recommend trying it sometime even if you just need to feel a little more grounded.

A grounding tool for anxiety... — When you need to ground yourself.

Shout out to all my fellow anxiety ridden people and anyone dealing with all the stress in the world today. You aren’t alone friends!

How do you deal with stress and anxiety in the world today? How have you adapted your tools to social distancing and staying home?