Sometimes You Just Want To Go Home…

…and be safe and comfortable.

I’ve had a lot of homes over the course of my life and I’m really glad I have. But tonight, I just wanna go to the OG home, but it doesn’t exist anymore. I can go to Phoenix. I can see my home people, but not all together. Never all together and peaceful and safe again. I wish I could go there now. I wish I could get the kind of sleep I got knowing I was safe, loved, and protected. Beach when I believed with all of me that it would always be there. I don’t always miss that, but it’s been a rough night. And tonight, I miss it a lot. I wish it was still out there. I’d get in my car with Marty and drive to it. Even just for a day or two. Recharge.

I Let Go…

…or at least I started to.

I was offered my old job for less pay, less hours, and less benefits (probably more work). I am quite sure it is everything they could have offered me in their current position, but I declined it. It’s not that I don’t appreciate the offer, but I just couldn’t go back to that level of stress for less then before (or what I had before). I gave so much of myself and my thoughts and stress to my old job that is was slowing taking pieces of my life outside of work (or not so slowly). I just can’t deal with that level of stress and no room for growth. I realized how horribly stressed I was with it once I didn’t have that job anymore. I have a new job where I am starting over, from the ground up, but I like it a lot. I get to teach again and there is room for growth. Plus, who doesn’t want to hang out with cool animals most of the day? They treat me well, train me, and ensure I am okay too. The commute is nuts, but I can move eventually to fix that. There is so much to learn at this position too! Once I leave that job, I get to leave it there – I don’t take it home and think about it all the time and stress dream about it all the time. I feel a little sad, a little scared, but mostly hopeful. My life thus far has been about taking leaps of faith and chances – why stop now? Here we go again! I do love it my life of leaping though 🙂

I will of course help put the person who takes it over onto the best path I can. I don’t want all of mine and my teammates hard work to be lost. Hopefully it helps them be in a better position then when we built it from the ground up. They need a person who needs the experience and learning factor, and will do that much work for the offered pay. That isn’t a bad thing. I was that person. This job gave me that experience. I am grateful. I am just ready for the next adventure.

An Unwanted Visitor…

…it was a mouse. But more on that in a moment.

Nothing catastrophic has happened but the past few days have brought about a series of common place, but unfortunate events. On Saturday I dropped my phone. I have dropped it a thousand times in the four years it’s been my phone and it’s always been fine. From the second I dropped it I knew in the pit of my stomach it was gonna be bad. My screen cracked from tip to tail in a spider web fashion. Like I said, common place but unfortunate. I need to replace it but I hate phone shopping. It’s equivalent to car shopping – hidden fees you don’t expect and the second you leave the value of the thing drops. You need insurance on it just like a car and you try your hardest not to scratch it. Then when you inevitably do you feel bad because of all the hidden fees you paid and the monthly payments you make. Sunday night a heavy box fell on my foot. It puffed up in about 30 seconds. On the super plus side it’s almost completely fine now. Again, common but unfortunate.

Onto the mouse. I had a mouse. I knew this. The food was relocated but it didn’t help. I was watching TV and I saw him peak around the corner in the hall. I told myself ‘it’s in your head’ and went to investigate. No sign of the mouse. An hour passes and I see his little furry but scurry away behind the cabinet. I totally freaked out! I called in reinforcements who helped me put out traps. No luck with those until this morning. I turn the corner and DEAD MOUSE IN A TRAP. My reinforcements are off to work and my landlord is on his way over for another thing. I know that I have to muster the courage to get rid of the dead mouse on the floor before he gets here. That’s just good manners, can’t have guests with a dead mouse on the floor. It took 15 minutes and several times of trying, chickening out, and walking away. I finally manage to get close enough to move it. I have my broom and a paper bag to sweep him into. I start to sweep which is when I realize it…his dried blood has stuck him to floor. OK I tell myself ‘I am a grown ass, strong woman. I CAN DO THIS!’ I grab the thickest plastic bag in the apartment and half pick it up and half flip it into the bag. Then I take it outside and throw it into the trash. BUT on the way to the trash I start crying because I KILLED this mouse simply for looking for food and being a mouse. What right did I have to do that? But in the end it had to be done and the mouse got a swift death rather then being stuck to a glue trap or something. So I am going to keep telling myself that’s a good thing until the guilt subsides. Common but unfortunate event. Also, definitely the first time I have ever had to do that and I hope the last, or at least not to have to do it again for a very long time. It is now my greatest reason to get married, so someone is around to pick up the dead mice.

As I sit here typing this my internet seems to have stopped working all together. So the common place but unfortunate events continue. I am going to shower and hopefully rinse the feeling of dead mouse and the guilt of killing it away. Here is to better luck the rest of the week.