…and I am wide awake now.
I had the worst dream. I had lost my place to live and was homeless. I was squatting in it when a new family moved in. Then my mom came to visit and I had to tell her that I lost my house/apartment and she cried at what a disappointment I was. It was terrible. Being homeless is one of my worst fears ever since I was little and learned that people could be homeless. So now, I am up an hour early for work ready to make that commute with a smile on my face so my nightmare doesn’t become a reality. I am unsettled now though to say the least. This one will stick with me for awhile. Jeepers.
…it was a mouse. But more on that in a moment.
Nothing catastrophic has happened but the past few days have brought about a series of common place, but unfortunate events. On Saturday I dropped my phone. I have dropped it a thousand times in the four years it’s been my phone and it’s always been fine. From the second I dropped it I knew in the pit of my stomach it was gonna be bad. My screen cracked from tip to tail in a spider web fashion. Like I said, common place but unfortunate. I need to replace it but I hate phone shopping. It’s equivalent to car shopping – hidden fees you don’t expect and the second you leave the value of the thing drops. You need insurance on it just like a car and you try your hardest not to scratch it. Then when you inevitably do you feel bad because of all the hidden fees you paid and the monthly payments you make. Sunday night a heavy box fell on my foot. It puffed up in about 30 seconds. On the super plus side it’s almost completely fine now. Again, common but unfortunate.
Onto the mouse. I had a mouse. I knew this. The food was relocated but it didn’t help. I was watching TV and I saw him peak around the corner in the hall. I told myself ‘it’s in your head’ and went to investigate. No sign of the mouse. An hour passes and I see his little furry but scurry away behind the cabinet. I totally freaked out! I called in reinforcements who helped me put out traps. No luck with those until this morning. I turn the corner and DEAD MOUSE IN A TRAP. My reinforcements are off to work and my landlord is on his way over for another thing. I know that I have to muster the courage to get rid of the dead mouse on the floor before he gets here. That’s just good manners, can’t have guests with a dead mouse on the floor. It took 15 minutes and several times of trying, chickening out, and walking away. I finally manage to get close enough to move it. I have my broom and a paper bag to sweep him into. I start to sweep which is when I realize it…his dried blood has stuck him to floor. OK I tell myself ‘I am a grown ass, strong woman. I CAN DO THIS!’ I grab the thickest plastic bag in the apartment and half pick it up and half flip it into the bag. Then I take it outside and throw it into the trash. BUT on the way to the trash I start crying because I KILLED this mouse simply for looking for food and being a mouse. What right did I have to do that? But in the end it had to be done and the mouse got a swift death rather then being stuck to a glue trap or something. So I am going to keep telling myself that’s a good thing until the guilt subsides. Common but unfortunate event. Also, definitely the first time I have ever had to do that and I hope the last, or at least not to have to do it again for a very long time. It is now my greatest reason to get married, so someone is around to pick up the dead mice.
As I sit here typing this my internet seems to have stopped working all together. So the common place but unfortunate events continue. I am going to shower and hopefully rinse the feeling of dead mouse and the guilt of killing it away. Here is to better luck the rest of the week.
I know the general thought is that you are enough being you. I do think that’s true but some days it just doesn’t feel that way. Today is one of the those days. There is no particular reason or cause I just don’t feel like I am enough in a lot of ways at the moment.
I definitely feel like I am not enough at work. I do my best and it’s all I can do but somehow it feels like it’s coming up short of other peoples expectations. That is a really shit feelings. Especially when those around me seem to be exceeding them on a regular basis. This brings me back to the comparing yourself to others isn’t a great idea when attempting to set your own p(e)ace.
I feel like I am not enough in my personal relationships either. I put effort in but is it enough? Am I good girlfriend? Am I good friend? Am I good sister? daughter? aunt? person? Today I am just worried about falling short of the mark. The kind of worry that rolls around in your brain like clothes in a dryer.
How do I set my own p(e)ace and be enough for all the aspects and people in my life? How do I give all those things and special people all I can and still have some left for myself? I am just not sure I know. I feel like I do really well concentrating on one section but then the others suffer.I set boundaries between work and life so I can have a life but then I feel like I am not doing enough. And the dryer of thoughts continue…
Maybe this is stemming from my ankle being messed up still and not being able to workout, specifically going to RIPPED. It always helps keep me sane and without it I feel a bit lost and a bit less attractive. I love getting a good sweat in and being the woman who legitimately uses her gym clothes (although I love just sitting around in them to hahaha).
I don’t particularly care for these days. It feels like I am voluntarily torturing myself but somehow can’t stop the dryer thoughts from going round and round either. My brother was always excellent at snapping me from this type of mood; but I am working on learning to do it myself. That is why I am sharing it with you. Maybe we can help each other and remind each other to be proud of the effort we put in and know it’s enough.
Does anyone else have these days?