A Common Theme In My Anxiety Is…

…feeling I have failed those around me.

Even if I feel it’s a small failure I can’t help but dwell until my anxiety has convinced me I’m failing someone or everyone. I’m way more worried about failing others then myself. Because failing those I love is failing myself. And around we go in the anxiety spiral. If you know it then you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t know then you are very fortunate and I envy you. Truly I envy you. When I really think about it it’s really self indulgent. I wind up convincing myself I’ve failed everyone and I go apologize and they end up comforting me. Which is inherently selfish really. I want them to tell me I haven’t failed them to reassure me. When it all stemmed from me failing them. So by this point I have failed them twice. Being my friend must be exhausting. I’m serious if you’re my friend I apologize for my crazy and thanks for loving me anyway. I love you all endlessly and I don’t mean to be a nutter. Bless you if you made it through this whole entry and aren’t lost and didn’t give up.

Cancellation of the NYC Marathon…

…and my hopes that the Thanksgiving Day Parade doesn’t follow.

Another example of me being selfish – or just voicing my own wants – one of those two things. The Thanksgiving Day Parade is one of my favorite Thanksgiving Day Traditions. It’s a center of celebration and joy for not only those in NYC in person but those who watch it. It’s coming together and taking a minute to appreciate the day with those you love around you. It feels good. The Christmas season can’t really start until you see Santa Claus at the end of the Thanksgiving Day Parade. I look forward to it and it brings me joy. I hope they find a way to have it. I am thinking of it now because of the cancellation of the NYC marathon. I know there are bigger issues to be thinking of but that is what has been on my mind.

This is Going to Sound Selfish…

…but I have kind of enjoyed the time this pandemic has provided me.

Don’t get me wrong – I wish all the sick folks weren’t sick and that no one had died – but I have enjoyed having some time for me and my things and for my dude. We had such different schedules that I hardly ever saw him. I sort of wondered if we would be okay if we spent this much time together but it turns out we are better then okay. We are communicating better then ever and I miss him when we are apart. The time together has made out relationship stronger somehow. I enjoyed sleeping all I wanted and feeling rested when I woke up. I enjoyed not stressing about EVERY little and big thing at work. There are so many things I have missed too with the state essentially being shut down, but it wasn’t all bad from my little corner of the world. Does anyone feel this way? Am I crazy?

Sometimes I wonder…

…if I am a very selfish person.

I never really thought of myself as a selfish person (I mean who does really?) but lately I think I might be. I think of things a lot from my own perspective which I know is natural, but it sometimes clouds my view of the needs and wants of others to set their own p(e)ace. I need to start seeing that more clearly to be a better person. Don’t get me wrong – I don’t think I am a bad person – I just think this is an area I want to improve.

This can be hard for an impulsive person like myself; we want to naturally react of instinct and emotion. Breaking that habit is really hard. I have made some progress but have a ways to go on that front.

Maybe it’s the time of year that has me examining my more selfish actions. Maybe their time has just come to be revised. I am not entirely sure but I hope I am up to the challenge. I pride myself on being a good friend and most of that is being unselfish and looking our for others before yourself. I think I have been looking out for myself a lot lately and it’s time to look out for others more.

Do you have any inspiring stories about putting others needs in front of your own?