Valentine’s Day Is Coming Up…

…and it feels a little lonelier this year.

Valentine’s Day has been a day me and my family have tried to let pass for 22 years without a ton of ceremony. Easier that way. You see, my maternal Grandpa died on Valentines Day – 6 months after my maternal Grandmother. He couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day without his Valentine I suppose. But even all these years later it’s still the first thing that comes to mind. I think for all of us – but who knows. This year is my first single one in awhile and it feel lonelier and a bit more empty. Maybe I will buy myself some flowers. I will hold off on candy until February 15th when it all goes on sale hahaha. It’s stupid really. I feel stupid for letting it affect me slightly. But here we are and this blog is about honesty so I am writing it down. I suppose it brings me back to the school years that I wasn’t the pretty one and I watched all the pretty ones get roses and stuffed animals left on their seats in classes or sent through the stupid school flower delivery. Anyone else a little scared by that? Probably a little bit of all these things. Maybe it’s at the forefront because we are planning our trip to Salt Lake City for my cousins wedding and I finally get to put flowers on grandparents grave for the first time in probably a decade. And go to the Apollo burger by their house of course – gotta get me some fry sauce. Just feels like a lot in this moment. Oh well – this too shall pass.

I’ve Never Dreamed of a Wedding…

…but I have a very clear picture of what my wedding will look like should I marry my dude.

Is that weird? I just do. I know we will either be on a trip or plan a trip for it and get married in a random beautiful spot. I don’t know if that will be a garden, a museum, or a mountain top (we could get married in workout clothes). I know that my roommate will come and actually marry us. If we aren’t in a workout clothes situation then I will wear a pink dress and he will either be in his suit, which he looks very nice in, or a cute button up and jeans. I could see us doing the matching chucks thing. I hate when my feet hurt because of me shoes. Then, we will go for a really nice meal. We will have a party when we get back but that’s mostly for everyone else and to get presents (just being honest). I know somehow that is what it will look like. I am not opposed to a wedding wedding but it just doesn’t seem like our style. Also, I don’t want anyone having be a toilet paper bride on my account. So if I ever get engaged you be invited to a brunch where all games will be banned as a shower. It’s just very clear in my mind. Don’t know why.

I wrote this the same day I wrote my last post. Clearly I love him and see my life with him, I just hope we aren’t too fundamentally different to make it happen.

Finding Money to Spend…

…on myself.

There is a Sex in the City episode that has spoken to me recently. The episode opens with Carrie buying an endless amount of gifts of an endless amount of registries looking for affordable items. Later in the show she adds up how much she spent celebrating one person’s life choices (engagement gift, wedding gift, travel for the wedding, baby gifts) and it’s not a small number. I started really thinking about this concept and it’s completely right.

She also says, “I’m thrilled to give you gifts to celebrate your life I just think it stinks that single people are left out of it.” She’s right – it does stink. I have spent so much of my hard earned money on others that I will never see if I don’t get married or have babies. (Everyone has birthdays that doesn’t count). This is not to make anyone feel bad about gifts purchased for you but it really does stink for single folks.

Every time I go to purchase something for myself I second guess it…do I really want to spend that money? When purchasing a gift I don’t think twice about spending more then whatever it was I wanted for me. So how much can I spend on myself without feeling guilty? Is there any money left after buying all the gifts I need to buy? Is there money for those gifts int he first place?

Does anyone else have this problem?