What If I Stopped Eating…

…for like three weeks.

This is a thought I just had. And I feel bad about having it because I really try to be super body positive (and lately most of the time I do pretty well). I, like many others, have put on weight during this pandemic and quarantine. It’s one of my highest weights, but I never felt super fat or unattractive (I had moments but not overall). For some reason today that changed and I felt really bad. I haven’t eaten much today, nothing really sounds good for some reason, and it occurred to me that if I managed to eat almost nothing today that maybe I could do that tomorrow. I work until 3:30 pm so it wouldn’t be that hard…same schedule the next day. Again, wouldn’t be that hard. Then I thought, how long can I do that to lose weight fast? Then I felt really bad. I am considering starving myself because my own internal pressure. This isn’t who I am! Weight or no I am still me and awesome. I am still attractive because I am loved for being me (which is the freakin dream and I somehow have it). And still, I was considering this.

While I recognize this is not cool, I do need to eat better. This is not an easy feet for me and a lot of people. I suppose I will just try my best.

Additionally, I have been taking a natural appetite suppressant and apple cider vinegar pills. I need a little help with curbing my appetite and impulses. But, I think this is something I may need to do on my own. Is this appetite suppressant a tool or a crutch? I dunno. I will keep you posted.

I know, two posts in one day! I was feeling this though and wanted to share it with you because it felt really real. If you are feeling the same way know you aren’t alone. Also know you are attractive because you are you and loved because you are you. So let’s make some changes to see the result we want, but not allow that to not appreciate the body that we are in now. I mean my boobs are looking good. It took time to gain it and will take time to lose it – until then I will enjoy the benefits of this body and not hate on it so much.

‘Clopening’ and other signs…

…I am getting kind of old.

I had the realization today that I am not as young as I used to be. I am not ancient at 34 but I am definitely not 24 either. I worked until 10:30 pm last night and it was a very physical night of work – tons of walking (about 20K steps in total). I had to be back at work at 8:00 am. After I got home, got a bite to eat, and wound down it was about 12:30 am and I woke up at about 6:45 am. Six hours of sleep after a physical shift is NOT enough. I am so exhausted and I am only writing this on my lunch break. Send coffee. I can’t turn around and work work work like I used to. I need a break!

There is of course the classic sign that everyone experiences after 30 – hangovers that last more then a few hours – more like a few days. I remember when I could recover from a gnarly hangover and still make it to morning classes. Now it takes a full 3 days to up to speed again. They also come with more guilt since I know I inflicted this upon myself. I never recall feeling guilty about a hangover in my 20’s.

I recently gained about 10 pounds; not the end of the world but not great. Usually I can lose ten pounds pretty quickly when I am focused. That seems to no longer be the case. I have been active (even on a strained ankle) and not horrible with what I am eating and I have gained two pounds…cool. WTF?! This might be my least favorite sign of age.

Still I wouldn’t go back to being 24 instead of 34. I am loving my life right now and wouldn’t trade it for those insecurities (might take back my 24 year old body though and metabolism though). I set my own p(e)ace and accepting these signs of getting older is a part of that. Beats the hell out of not getting older so I will wear them with pride.

How do you know you’re getting older and how are you making your own p(e)ace with it?