…I am messed the fuck up from my 12 hour day yesterday.
It shouldn’t be a problem for me to do an occasional long day. But I am not okay. My body is not having it. My muscles are exhausted and in pain. I can barely keep my eyes open and my brain isn’t all here. I am trying really hard to push through and get some work day done. I am trying not to look and act miserable but I am fucking miserable. Why don’t I just call out sick? Because with long covid I would run out of sick time like that if I did that every time I had a bout with this shit. Also, nothing would ever get done. Must keep going, must keep trying. Mind over matter. I can do this.
…You Matter to Me from the Broadway Musical Waitress
I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes They’ve seen things you never quite say, but I hear Come out of hiding, I’m right here beside you And I’ll stay there as long as you’ll let me
Because you matter to me Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody You matter to me I promise you do, you, you matter too I promise you do, you’ll see You matter to me
It’s addictive the minute you let yourself think The things that I say just might matter to someone All of this time I’ve been keeping my mind on the running away And for the first time, I think I’d consider the stay
Because you matter to me Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody You matter to me I promise you do, you, you matter too I promise you do, you’ll see You matter to me
Dear baby I hope someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight They don’t pull away, they don’t look at your face And they don’t try to kiss you All they do is wrap you up in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it I hope you become addicted, baby I hope you become addicted to sayin’ things And having them matter to someone
You matter to me Simple and plain and not much to ask from somebody You matter to me
It’s amazing how quickly those sad feelings just bubble up again. My brother left flowers at my Grandparents grave and sent a photo. I was instantly in tears back with that grief. Not like it was yesterday but like it’s been 22 years and it still feels just as fresh and sad as it did then. Except now I have spent 22 years missing them. I stood in my kitchen and cried. I cried for the grief of losing them and for the grief of living these 22 years without them. I wonder what they would think of how we all are turning out. I don’t really know. No one does. But I feel their absence a lot. Some days more then others. Some days are normal. It’s funny thing.
We don’t have each other’s numbers anymore We don’t make any plans Friday night And I won’t know you when you’re turning 64 But nobody knew you better at 25
Well, I’d be lying if I said That you don’t wind up in my head We don’t dream about tomorrow like before All we have is looking back And that’s alright
‘Cause we got spring break ’08 Down in Pensacola Drunk and singing Breakfast at Tiffany’s Yeah, we got so high, first time Back of your Corolla Told me, “Baby, don’t you stop kissing me, kissing me” I know we don’t have a future anymore But damn, we got history
Everybody’s got that one they can’t forget That got away, I gotta say You were mine But you can’t try to tell me yesterday is gone When I still go there all the time
‘Cause we got spring break ’08 Down in Pensacola Drunk and singing Breakfast at Tiffany’s Yeah, we got so high, first time Back of your Corolla Told me, “Baby, don’t you stop kissing me, kissing me” I know we don’t have a future anymore But damn, we got history
Oh, you know we got history, baby, yeah I’d be lying if I said That you don’t wind up in my head
‘Cause we got spring break ’08 Down in Pensacola Drunk and singing Breakfast at Tiffany’s Yeah, we got so high, first time Back of your Corolla Told me, “Baby, don’t you stop kissing me, kissing me” I know we don’t have a future anymore But damn, we got history
I know we don’t have a future anymore But damn, we got history Yeah girl, we got history
Songwriters: Jordan Schmidt / Mitchell Tenpenny / Andy Albert / Devin Dawson
My gesture was received as charming so phew. He actually seemed to really like and appreciate it. Maybe there are men out there who think my form of affection is nice and welcome. Who knew?
Speak of…We had out first sleepover and I am reminded that sharing a bed takes some patience and practice. Patience on his part with my tossing and turning and practice on my part. I have gotten so used to having a whole bed to myself again that it was difficult. I was worried all my wiggling would keep him up (P.s. it did) and I couldn’t fall asleep. I also forgot how hot it is. Phew it got hot – not in the good way thanks to my period but you know what I mean. Definitely gonna take some getting used to. But yeah, that’s my update! lol
How I Met Your Mother had a lot of gems but this is one of my favorites. I have been thinking a lot about it lately. I recently started dating someone. We’ve been out a few times and stayed in a few times. It’s nice. Dating. Good dating but just dating. We do talk everyday though. In my getting to know him I get the sense it’s been a long time since anyone was looking out for him. Makes me kinda sad and kicks in my caregiver instincts. I have been telling him he needs an airfyer (he eats like I do). He says hes knows but it’s not a high priority. I was online and found one for a banging price. So just instinctively I got it for him. I do this type of thing for all the people in my life, particularly anyone I am spending a good amount of time with. But after I hit send (it was on amazon) I instantly started freaking out that it’s WAY to soon to do something like that for him. I was told in my last relationship that I was clingy. I suppose my form of caring is a little clingy – I don’t deny that. But he also framed it like it was a bad thing (like real bad) and I don’t think it is. But now I am questioning in a spiral if this will be viewed as clingy. I guess if it is he isn’t the dude for me. Because I still like my form of love and caring….I suppose we will see tomorrow when it gets to him. I will keep you posted. Dobler or Dahmer?
Had a small anxiety spiral last night – mostly about work. It wasn’t my worst by far but did prevent sleep until roughly 2:00 am. I usually write these posts in the middle of the spiral so you get an idea of what that spiral feels like. I realized I have never talked about the aftermath of an anxiety spiral. I am tired – my body and my mind. My body is tired from lack of sleep and the physical response to my anxiety. It’s draining. This is on top of always being tired from long COVID so it’s super extra special fun. I have had 3 cups of coffee and it isn’t helping. I will have to jack myself up on so much caffeine that I will need an alcoholic beverage when I get home to bring my system back down. But I have to make it through my work day so I don’t really see any other choice to work and get a decent amount of work done. So I will continue to live my life in legal chemicals. And hope my body holds out. I know my anxiety will never ‘go away’ but I am coming up on a year since I got COVID. This long COVID hell has to end soon right?
Honestly, I finished this awhile back and forgot to write this, so I am going to try my best to recall my thoughts on this book hahahaha. I can tell I am starting to get a little story fatigue with this series by now. They didn’t come out back to back but I am listening to them that way. The change in narrator really threw me too. She makes Ferye sound SUPER DRAMATIC and it’s SUPER ANNOYING. I also don’t like her voice for Rhys or Cassian. She seems very cartoonish with it. Overall, this continuation of the adventure is about what I expected. Poor Tamlin – can we give this guy a break? He has proven he’s not super evil – let us all remember Rhys’ dad killed a bunch of his family too. No one was a good person in that situation. He saved Feyre so there is heart in there for sure. Even after she definitely went out of her way to destroy the Spring Court – which I thought was unnecessary. What did the inhabitants of the Spring Court do to deserve that? You are going to fuck up the lives of other to get vengeance on one person? Not a very heroine thing to do Feyre….I have said it before and I will say it again – Love Lucien. Just do. He is nothing but himself and he has had a rough go. I respect that. I liked that he and Feyre got an adventure together – because he was gone the whole second half of the book. Lot of prep for war – lots of war. I liked the bone carver -sorry he died. He added intrigue. Nice insight in Moragon. Overall, I would like more from all of the other characters and a little less Feyre. No less Rhys lol
I thought I was getting better. I really did. And these last two afternoons I have been slammed back into extreme fatigue. I’m just completely wiped by the end of my work day. Not normal like oh king day tired kind of thing. Extremely, body and mind exhausted. Even writing this is kind of hard. I do want to document this hella long journey of long Covid though. It’s really hard sometimes. For anyone out there dealing with a lifelong chronic illness I am really sorry you deal with that every day. for anyone with long Covid almost a year later like me, I’m sorry for you too. I’m here if you want to commiserate.
…not wanting to seem wimpy and admitting when something is wrong.
My recent allergic reaction got me thinking about my need to be tough. Sometimes when you tell folks there is something wrong with you they play it down and go ‘oh that’s not bad.’ That was someones reaction to my puffy red face (not a medical professional). This type of reaction over a lifetime has trained me to play any injury or illness way down. I think to myself ‘Don’t bother telling them – they will think you are a wimp who is just whining for attention.’ When I do finally say I am not okay others are mad because I didn’t admit it earlier and did do something earlier. I walk this line a lot. Do I say something or just suck it up and wait for it to pass? Waiting for it pass and being tough is how I got a bad blood infection and felt like I was dying…because I kind of was. But I didn’t wan to get reprimanded for going to the doctor and being told oh it’s nothing – suck it up. As a woman, I hear this a lot more then I imagine men do. That’s another topic though. Does anyone else struggle with this? Fear of not being believed or being told ‘you’re wrong and you are perfectly healthy.’
Set My Own P(e)ace 