…that one of the best ways to change this world is or have money.
And it kills me because I don’t have it. I went into nonprofit work to help people. Some days I don’t think I do any good. I need money to make any real difference and I will never have money working at a nonprofit. Catch 22 I suppose. It’s pretty aggravating though. How do I get money? I already work hard. So don’t give me any of that. What to do? Unknown. Continue to work hard in my nonprofit and try to make change and create good that way until a solution to the other problem comes to me.
I don’t know why but the downer of the holidays being over is hitting me hard today. Probably because we are taking down decorations and I hit the day where I tossed all the Christmas cards. Then I started thinking about Spring. I know everyone loves Spring and Summer but I’m not a huge fan. I think March is quite possibly the worst month of the year. I live for September to now. It’s just the best. And I’m having a bit of a down coming off knowing my favorite time of year doesn’t start for a very long time. It’s just kind of sad. Oh well. Who knows what this year will bring? Good things I hope.
On December 26 my brother and I went to get coffee at Dutch Bros and it was just us two. It was only like 10 minutes but it was really, really nice and I am grateful for that ten minutes. He has his own family now and a new close extended family so it’s nice to have some time with him. I am grateful for what he can spare for me. Sorry so short – just what I was thinking about at this moment and there isn’t much more to it then simple gratitude.
For Black Friday I made a thank you post to retail workers. Now I want to thanks all USPS, Amazon drivers, FedEx, DHL and every other shipping company in existence. Thank you for bringing all my Christmas Cards that bring me so much comfort and joy. Thank you for making sure folks have as many presents and holiday greetings as possible by Christmas and any presents that come after will simply extend the holiday season. Thank you for working long and hard hours to deliver Christmas and all other holidays to people all over the world. Thank you for putting up with the less then kind people who are upset and stressed about presents arriving. Thanks for being awesome! Please know that you are seen an appreciated.
I have had a crush on Zachary Levi for some time (rooting for Benjamin on Marvelous Mrs. Maisel). So when I saw he had come on Jameela Jamil’s podcast I weigh, I naturally hit play super fast. He was on to talk about his new book, Radical Love and his journey and experiences with struggling mental health. I am all about being open about my struggles with anxiety and really enjoyed his take on the podcast. I also really enjoy his voice (hello Flynn Ryder), so that never hurts. Luckily for me he narrated his book for audible. A lot of what he had to say resonated with me (outside of religion – not my bag). Especially the recurring theme of you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself, understand yourself. We should be open and honest and talking about all this. He sets a great precedent in being so open. While he does talk about the people in his life (parents, exes etc) he does it respectfully. There is no other way to tell his story then to include them. He does try to see their experiences through the lenses of their traumas. It’s not a tell all fashion because that isn’t his goal. I respected that a lot. I totally recommend. We are all moving through life, wading through our inherited generational trauma doing the best we can. We aren’t alone. And if I am going to be anyone’s company, I will always chose this handsome fellow.
In the midst of listening to Zachary Levi’s Radical Love, he talked about the Enneagram Test. So I went online and took it. Type 2 came up as my dominant type. Gotta say it’s pretty spot on. Read on and see for yourself. Don’t know exaclty how it’s going to help me yet – but it’s interesting.
…that’s I’m a bad person who is offending everyone and just don’t know it.
I’m pretty consistently worried I’m a bad person who goes around unknowingly making other people feel bad or that I’m somehow being offensive or something. I don’t ever want to make anyone feel that way but I’m also not ignorant enough to think I don’t make mistakes. I’m white and have never been a minority so I can’t really say what racism is to someone else. That’s drives me crazy because I don’t want to offend anyone and I try to be as educated and up to date as I can but I just worry most of the time. So I torture myself about the wrong things I say or convince myself I’ve said something wrong that I don’t remember and hurt someone. Then I play out all the possibilities of how I could apologize or get sued or some scenario I’ve made up in my brain. Isn’t anxiety fun y’all? I wish I could just live and wait for problems to occur before I torture myself about being a horrible ignorant jerk.
…The Seven Husabands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid
This one took my awhile to get through. I am not entirely sure why. I am also not quite sure if I liked it or not. It was definitely an interesting view of Hollywood past and what it was to be a man in Hollywood versus a woman. What are you willing to do to achieve your dreams? Well, Evelyn Hugo was willing to do whatever it took. I admire that and it makes me a bit sad. For most the book she says she only got her success because she is a ‘bombshell’ but also spend a lot of her time trying to prove her talent too. Her talent is in her drive to succeed and she did in all areas of her life for the time her character lived in. She did the best she could with the cards she was dealt which is really all we can do. It was a bit predictable and you all know how I hate the obvious breast cancer death story line. Wasn’t entirely my cup of tea but didn’t hate it either. The narrator was also very good.
I am not sure the world knows what to do with me. I am sure most people don’t know what to do with me because I don’t check traditional boxes for how life should be lived. I was making some photo presents (I love photo presents) and looking all these families and noticing I am only an orbiting member of any of them. My nuclear family have mostly replaced me with their own (I don’t mean that negative for harsh or mean – it just is). I am a single and childless 37 year old woman and honestly I wouldn’t change it if I could. Meaning I wouldn’t change my life choices so far – my life has been awesome and full of adventure. I never wanted to get trapped within a ten mile radius of where I grew up – that was my nightmare. I realize it’s a dream for others and that’s cool. I do want to get married one day – don’t know about kids. It’s just hard when I realize I don’t really have an immediate family anymore. It’s an adjustment to be sure. All my family members have pictures up int heir houses and I am really only a visible family member in my Dad’s house photo collection. I am no where to be found elsewhere. Why should I be? I am not considered a close member of those families therefore have a very low ranking on the photo front. Logically, all makes sense. Just stings a bit when I really think about it I suppose. But that’s life – it moves on and evolves. The evolution has just put me out of everyone’s close family and on adventures. Overall, I am pretty happy with my adventurous life. I do wish I still ranked high in some books (and photos displayed) though. Oh well. C’eist la vie.
This is also why I always send a photo Holiday card of my adventures. Why should I be left out?
This weekend was nuts. 10-13 hour days and very very crazy busy. I know people work harder and longer and I have a great job I love. I shouldn’t complain but holy shit my body is destroyed. The haul Covid makes everything so much harder. I push my mind past it while I need to (or at least I try) and when my mind comes back it feels like my body so dying. I have once again pushed it too far because I have no choice. I have to work and make money and I’m not making anyone else carry my weight. There is no long haul Covid sick leave. In my mind most people don’t even believe it’s real. If they do, they are frustrated I’m not better yet (again in my mind). I don’t wanna get fired and I really can’t afford to be fired for inability to physically perform my duties. There’s no protection for me so I will continue to slowly destroy myself and my body in order to be able to afford to be alive. I don’t know what else to do at this point so I’ll just keep swimming till I can’t.