…and never really do in this relationship. Which is why I married him.

My pup had a bit of a bad reaction to vaccine which led to me and him back at the vet getting x-rays, blood work and a battery of other tests and treatments. Pup is fine now – to ease that concern up front. Me and the pup went to vet around 4 pm and without having to ask or convey that I needed the support my husband comes walking in the room as soon as he got off work. Didn’t go home to change or any other excuse not to come. Just told me he knew I needed him and was there. May seem simple to some but means the world to me. He always does this. He always sees needs and meets them without me having to ask (or beg in as in past relationships). It’s everything I never thought I would have. That’s why I married him without a doubt, second though or question. He does all this not only because he loves me but because that’s who he is. And it’s amazing. I don’t really think he sees how amazing he is. Maybe one day he will read this and realize it – at least through my eyes anyway. I hope I can and do meet the level of support he offers me. I try – but it’s a high bar. I made the right choice – no question. He was totally worth the wait and not settling for any less.

…and how he is going to react to having a baby around.

Seriously – it’s pissing me off. Every goddam day someone says ‘oh I hope Marty adjusts to the baby’ ‘Marty is gonna have to get used to not being #1’ and a million other variations of this crap. I know they don’t mean harm but I will never not spoil, cuddle or provide everything Marty needs. I will have a child and a fur baby and both will be loved and cared for to the best of my ability. Having a baby does NOT make my dog suddenly unimportant or a second class citizen so stop implying that. I have started snapping at people who do this. I just reply with ‘ oh I still plan on loving my dog too.’ Maybe it’s an overreaction but it’s making me incredibly angry.

…friend or foe?

I have been thinking about this lately. I really enjoy scrolling through a lot of nothing. It’s not super personal it’s just entertainment. I do sometimes learn things from tiktok hahaha But what about people who seem to think that if they don’t splash everything on social media it doesn’t exist? Also – what is up with influencers like making a living of creating stupid content? Imagine your life revolving around social media. Just all seems like a lot to me. Just thinking out loud. It also sometimes triggers my anxiety in weird ways I don’t expect. Hard to explain without giving out too many details I am not ready to share yet. They also don’t strictly pertain to me. You all know I try to only share things that strictly pertain to me. I am an open book but most people aren’t and I want to respect that.

…always make me a little nervous.

I have an OBGYN appointment today and I am excited to hear potato chips little heart beat. It’s funny we call him that because I LOVE potato chips but not since I have been pregnant. I have a few and I am good. It’s weird. Anyway – I always get a little nervous on appointment days. Like what if something bad happens? And I know it’s not great to have those intrusive thoughts but I do. Anyone else out there have them too? I always feel instantly better when I hear that little whomp whomp whomp sound of his heart. It’s soothing. They are easy appointments. Go, pee in a cup, answer a few basic questions, check the heart beat and leave. We are running several other errands today including some name change stuff. So many places to change my name lol I am trying to knock them out 1-2 at a time per week before the baby comes. I am sure I am forgetting some of them still.

…before you don’t.

How long do you take being someone’s scapegoat and nearest target for any negative emotion they have? I have been doing it since my early 20’s and it’s starting to grate on me. Okay, not starting, but I am starting to try to set some healthy boundaries to protect myself just a little. I previously took it because it made this person feel better it seemed. It brought them comfort. I was hoping it wouldn’t become a habit once she passed this tough time in her life. It is less frequent, but a side effect is she isn’t my safe space or comfort to land with. I am always a little (or a lot) on guard, watching what I say because any slip up could bring on the wrath. I am not saying I am blameless or perfect in this situation. I definitely could have reacted better in some of the instances. I could probably try to be more understanding now. I have a lot of faults – it’s just hard to have every single one pointed out to you constantly. I get called selfish and ungrateful – which I don’t think I am. My fond memories are tainted and punctuated with moments of verbal abuse. I believed I was all the horrible things this person would lay at my feet for a really long time because why wouldn’t I believe her? No matter how many times I apologized it wasn’t enough though or was called insincere (to be fair it probably was a few times because I just wanted it to stop). I spent my whole adult life apologizing and graveling to this person to keep them happy and I am just kind of tired of it. It’s exhausting and now that I don’t believe I am all the horrible things this person says I am (after many years of horrible self esteem), it’s just plain mean. It isn’t entirely this person expressing their feelings or at least expressing them in a very unhealthy manner. It’s dragging me down to pull themselves up. It’s not okay anymore.