The One Musical…

…that still haunts me to this day.

I was in the shower yesterday thinking about posting and posing the question of if you could be one character in one musical which would you be? (you would automatically get the talent to do it). Then I started thinking about which character I would pick. I considered Eliza from Hamilton (too many lyrics, would def mess it up), Elle Woods from Legally Blonde (that would be a fun musical to be multiple times), Satine from Moulin Rouge (especially if it’s opposite Aaron Teveit). Then the role of Diana Goodman from Next to Normal popped into my head. I thought No because it is so sad and would so difficult to act out every night. Then my mind wandered to the musical as a whole (fun fact – in the OG cast I would still be performing with Aaron Tveit).

If you have never seen Next to Normal, please stop reading because there are spoilers. It is a play about grief and mental illness. Diana Goodman is a mother dealing with mental illness that started when her young son died unexpectedly. You don’t know he is dead until about 3 songs into the play because you see his teenage character, because Diana Goodman is seeing/hallucinating him as a teenager, as if he had not died. You see how the death and her mental illness affects her husband and her daughter (they had after their son passed). The music is beautiful and the topic is serious. It haunts me to this day – in good and bad ways. It evokes a lot of feelings and thought about mental illness in general, which most people aren’t comfortable with (even though I hope we will be one day). But simply addressing the topic in a Broadway musical definitely made it something to talk about, which is great and brave. Super Boy and the Invisible Girl especially stuck with me. I’m Alive of course was amazing.

If you get the chance to see it, please do. It’s great. Just be prepared for what it will bring up emotionally in and around you.

Living ‘The Last Five Years…’

…from Jamie’s perspective with Kathy’s role being played by my work place.

For those who haven’t seen it, The Last Five Years is a great musical that is about a five years of a relationship told from the perspective of the man and woman living it. Jamie, the man tells his story from start to finish and Kathy, the woman tells her story from finish to start. They are telling two different versions of the same story. That doesn’t mean that either version is wrong or false, they are just different. Their love starts strong and hopeful and their lives just grow apart and their love changes. I don’t want to say it fades, it just doesn’t work together anymore. It was also made into a movie with Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan (swoon) that is on Netflix. Beautiful and worth a watch.

So what does this have to do with my work and I’s relationship — a lot turns out. I started working at my current employer five years ago today. I am excited and hopeful about the job and I felt welcomed and that folks were excited to have me there. We went on like that for about 3 years. Excited and hopeful. Then me and my work started growing apart. By year five, I barely have any hours and I am clearly not missed by my place of work and honestly, I don’t miss it that much either. I am looking for new job opportunities, having been basically dumped by last one after trying to work it out so hard for what feels like forever. I am sure if I had my work’s perspective it would be just as valid (like in the play).

This parallel came to my mind today and I wanted to put the thought down before I forgot it. It’s not that I hate my place of work or anything. It’s just I don’t want to be somewhere I am so easily deleted and forgotten. Something I invested so much time and effort into, erased. It’s not fun but I learn, I do my best while still there, and I look to the future. All we can do right?

Ramped Up Workouts…

…and the discovery of gum.

I got to RIPPED this Saturday and found I had left my full water bottle on the counter! Oh no! The instructor gave me a piece of gum and said it would keep my mouth moist during the workout. I was skeptical and worried I would choke on the gum during the workout. But it totally worked! And I didn’t choke on the gum. Helpful tip for all the folks reading this.

I am back up to a good workout schedule and doing well with it. The old problem of increased appetite is back though. The increased activity is making my body believe it needs more calories then it does. I never do well with this shift. That first couple of weeks is the golden zone and burning more calories without my body having caught up yet. Now that I am past that, it wants more and it’s loud about it. No body no. We are fine. resist the hunger! At least my muscle is starting to show again. Only a touch, but still awesome and I will take it!

How do you combat the increased appetite? Suggestions welcome!

Grateful Everyday…

…even if it’s only a little 😉

It’s no secret I have been a little down lately (thanks for listening to all that!), so I need to remember to be grateful (even if it’s only a little bit everyday). I have a lot to be grateful for – it’s true. I am in good health, still have a roof over my head, and the BEST people in my life. The people in my life are top tier. Seriously. You all give me big reasons to be grateful everyday. You go out of your way to make me smile and I am so grateful for that and all of you. That is how I know I have done something with my life – the people around me are awesome. I hope I get the chance to be just as awesome for you. Grateful for you everyday in every way.

I am going to try to be more positive in my posts and life. I will still share the hard days and hard happenings because that is what life is. Ups and downs and all you can control if yourself and your response to it. So here is to trying to point myself in a more positive direction.

Missing a Key Part Of…

…being an adult.

I almost always feel like I am missing some key part of being an adult. Chronologically – very much an adult. Emotionally – I feel like questioning if I am missing a key part of being an adult puts be behind everyone else or just means I am a little more self aware. Either way, I am definitely missing something. I feel like I am constantly trying to catch up in growing up. I can’t quite put my finger on what I am missing though. Maybe I don’t want to fully grow up and that is why I feel this way? That is a definite possibility as well. That leads to the question ‘What makes one an adult?’ What do you think? Because lately (and always) I feel like I have no idea, but I am definitely not there yet.

Image result for what makes an adult funny

Giving Space and…

…finding space.

I have never been very good at either in any type of relationship (friend or romantic). I like being around the people in my life. I am always up to do something fun and often initiate the plans. One of the bigger realizations I have had is not getting mad when someone doesn’t want to come do whatever I plan. I realized it’s not because they don’t like me or the plans – they have their own life and stuff to do sometimes. I know that sounds so stupid but it was not an easy thing to realize and still isn’t sometimes. Giving people the space they need isn’t my forte. Taking the space I need isn’t my forte either. Admitting I sometimes need space is hard, most of the time I don’t really know it’s what I need or would do me good. I have great friends and great love, but still it’s nice to be alone from time to time- for everyone. I need to remember to give my people their space as well as take some for me. I feel it’s a lesson I will keep learning, but being aware of it is a good path.

Interesting read about it below!

Well That Was F*cking Unsettling…

…and right before bed…cool cool cool.

I went to take Marty for his last walk of the night before bed. It’s my least favorite anyway because it’s dark and nobody is out – just kinda creepy. Everything was creepy but normal until we reached the mailbox. I saw a flashlights moving around rapidly around a porch and got a little freaked, but figured someone locked themselves out and needed the spare key from their porch – thus the flashlight because it’s dark. So I talk to Marty (my dog) pretty loudly just they know I am there. This thin, old lady pops out from the bushes so I say ‘Hi.’ She says nothing but shines her flashlight right into my face so I can’t see anything. Marty growls at her and I think to myself ‘physically, I can take this lady is she charges me but I don’t want her to try to hurt Marty or him to get away from me in the process so here goes nothing’ and I ask her if she is okay or if she needs help. She says nothing. So, thinking I have done what I can, I say ‘ok have a good night then. Come on Marty” and I pick him up to keep him close and safe and we walk away. Then I think, I shouldn’t have turned my back to this person because she could run at me and if I don’t see it coming she could get the better of me. I decide to have faith that she wont and continue walking. We made it home safely to firmly lock all the doors – then double and triple check them. It doesn’t sound scary but it felt scary in the moment. That feeling in your gut telling you that it isn’t right and your are in trouble. That feeling that says remove yourself from this situation that burns in your stomach. Still burning actually. Also, I hope she was okay and not trying to rob someone or something. I hope she has a warm place to lay her head tonight. I am glad that I do. I hope I get work soon so that roof over my head continues. Fingers crossed but I am too stressed to dwell on that at the moment.

It was a shit couple of days and hopefully this incident is the last of it. Here’s to a better tomorrow all. Lucky for me, tomorrow is in 40 minutes.

Having a Rough Go…

…and this a safe place to talk about it.

I am having a rough time lately and I don’t want to burden anyone with it. We all have our stuff right? I feel like this is a safe place to write about it and get it out of brain.

I have applied to so many jobs. SO many. I have had 2 interviews and no job offers. I know it’s a tough job market (especially for my field) but man it’s hard to try and try and keeping hitting walls. At the job I kind of have not (that I loved), I have so few hours that I barely work there. My program is essentially cut and it hurts really badly. I (and many others) worked so hard to build it and it’s all just gone. It’s a type of pain I can’t really describe. That probably sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels. So I get shot down looking for other jobs and at my current one. That’s a lot of getting shot down. I will keep trying at both things no matter what, but it’s getting harder and harder.

I am out of unemployment benefits and I am really facing being homeless in two months. If you have read my previous entries, you know it’s top 3 of my worst fears. I have 2 months of rent left to be able to pay with what I have saved and that is scary AF. I worry and have anxiety everyday. I don’t sleep well anymore because I am constantly thinking about it.

I don’t feel like I can really talk about this with anyone around me. I worry they all will feel I have a hidden agenda of asking for money. I have tried so hard not to ask anyone for money and have only done so when it was dire need. So I just internalize all of this and feel myself shrink a little more everyday. I scheduled another blood donation appointment so I can get a $5 amazon gift card. It’s good that is also helps folks but I was gonna take a little break from donating blood because I can still see the hole in my arm from donating months ago, but I need that $5 socked away for any little thing I need but can’t afford, like deodorant, that might come up.

I know I am not alone in this worry and I know a lot of people go through it, especially during the pandemic. That helps a little but it’s horrible. I am going to work out and hope that helps my current mind set. I am trying to keep my positive attitude, but some days that is really hard to do.

Embarrassing Moments Happen…

…and you just have to role with ’em.

I got an instacart order last night. The shopper guy was super cute. (got wine so he had to see my ID). I texted my roommie that she should give him her number because he was HOT. I reall emphasized that. That’s when I realized I sent it to my dude and not my roomie. SO EMBARRASSING! OMG I stopped breathing for a second. Luckily he is the chill human being he is and wasn’t too phased by it. Thank God! I immediately told him about it and apologized. Later I thought I should have gone into his phone and deleted the text. Then I thought that’s pretty fucked up and going in peoples phone is a violation of privacy. I never could have done it – or at least done it and not told him. Guilt woulda killed me. Phones are people private business and property. Even if it woulda been for a good cause such as delete an embarrassing text. Just not cool.

Negative Days Are Hard…

…to pull yourself out of.

I had a few things to write about that are all different yet connected.

Let’s start with work. I went into nonprofits because I wanted to do something good, do work I care about, and be cared about where I work. As I understood it, that was a perk of going the nonprofit route and it helped with the ‘gonna be poor’ part (no one goes into nonprofits for the money). I had that for a few years and it was great. I loved it – even the shit days with people who yelled and made me feel less then. It was okay, because then I would teach a kid something or my volunteers would be their awesome selves. Since COVID I understand that even nonprofits have to survive during these tough times – I just didn’t know it would be at the expense of most of it’s employees. But since I am writing this I suppose I am feeling it’s a lot at the expense of me. I didn’t realize that I was quite so disposable and forgettable. I guess that’s on me for being naive and kinda dumb. My bad. I am great at what I do and I know it. I think it’s time to start over at another place with a new mission to support that might need my skill set and contributions.

I am not married. I am in a relationship. He doesn’t want to move forward and is happy staying exactly where we are. I am not. But since I am the one who wants more I have the choice to leave the relationship or move only at his speed, because he wants to go slower. I read some stuff about it on the internet and it said that rushing someone will only get you dumped. But does that mean my timeline doesn’t matter? It’s not that I don’t want to respect his wants, I just want the same consideration. I don’t know what to do. I am hoping it will come to me.

Ideal world. My dude want to get engaged and combine our lives. I’d be good with a long engagement. I help him where he needs it and he helps me where I need it. It might also give me some opportunities to go back to teaching at nonprofits and managing when I work up to it. I love the problem solving in management but I miss teaching daily. I could contribute more to our lives together and moving my work happiness forward. Dare to dream I suppose eh?