Does Anyone Else Have This…

…as their first thought when a family event is scheduled?

I have a cousin getting married in September and my first thought was how much weight can I lose by then and what would it take? That is my first thought before a lot of family events/holidays. Why is that? My own insecurity I suppose. I don’t think my family really cares (might judge a bit). What am I trying to prove or avoid? If you are a single woman in your 30’s is this thought more prominent? Am I trying to prove that I am not single because I ugly? Maybe. Doesn’t seem real healthy – mentally. Just wondering if I am alone in this or if it’s common.

Valentine’s Day Is Coming Up…

…and it feels a little lonelier this year.

Valentine’s Day has been a day me and my family have tried to let pass for 22 years without a ton of ceremony. Easier that way. You see, my maternal Grandpa died on Valentines Day – 6 months after my maternal Grandmother. He couldn’t spend Valentine’s Day without his Valentine I suppose. But even all these years later it’s still the first thing that comes to mind. I think for all of us – but who knows. This year is my first single one in awhile and it feel lonelier and a bit more empty. Maybe I will buy myself some flowers. I will hold off on candy until February 15th when it all goes on sale hahaha. It’s stupid really. I feel stupid for letting it affect me slightly. But here we are and this blog is about honesty so I am writing it down. I suppose it brings me back to the school years that I wasn’t the pretty one and I watched all the pretty ones get roses and stuffed animals left on their seats in classes or sent through the stupid school flower delivery. Anyone else a little scared by that? Probably a little bit of all these things. Maybe it’s at the forefront because we are planning our trip to Salt Lake City for my cousins wedding and I finally get to put flowers on grandparents grave for the first time in probably a decade. And go to the Apollo burger by their house of course – gotta get me some fry sauce. Just feels like a lot in this moment. Oh well – this too shall pass.

Lyrics to Live By…

…You Didn’t

I could never hate you even if I tried
Girl, I love you too much and I’ve loved you too long to fight
Mm
It ain’t always a bad thing saying goodbye
And the last thing that I wanna be is a waste of your time

There’s nothing I could say
To make you wanna stay
Your heart made up it’s mind
I don’t want you to lie one more minute
You ain’t done nothing wrong
I’m not where you belong
Don’t let one teardrop fall
Girl, you think it’s your fault
But it isn’t
I fell in love and you didn’t

I hope you find someone
To be the person for you
Mm
That you were to me, what I wanted to be for you
I, I ain’t ever asked you to settle or compromise
Girl, you deserve everything in this world
Even if it means you can’t be mine

There’s nothing I could say
To make you wanna stay
Your heart made up it’s mind
I don’t want you to lie one more minute
You ain’t done nothing wrong
I’m not where you belong
Don’t let one teardrop fall
Girl, you think it’s your fault
But it isn’t

I fell in love and you didn’t
I fell in love and you didn’t

Feel like I did
I gave you everything I had to give
You didn’t need more
You just needed different

And there’s nothing I could say
To make you wanna stay
Your heart made up it’s mind
I don’t want you to lie one more minute
You ain’t done nothing wrong
I’m not where you belong
Don’t let one teardrop fall
Girl, you think it’s your fault
But it isn’t
I fell in love and you didn’t
I fell in love and you didn’t

Songwriters: Ashley Gorley / Brett Young / Jimmy Robbins / Jon Nite

Blood Work is Back…

…and I appear to be in excellent health.

So I finally made it to the doctor for a check up and help with managing the long covid. She wants to rule everything else out first before we say long covid so I gave over various bodily fluids for testing. You all be happy to know everything came back normal. I am healthy as a horse and STI free (I always throw in those tests for good measure). I am not even anemic anymore which is a small miracle. Does that mean we have ruled out everything else? I have no idea. I just read the test results. Where do I go from here? I have no idea. So I guess I will just keep waiting it out.

I have done pretty well at my New Year’s Resolution to drink more water. I put flavoring in it, but it’s still water. I have found that I have to pee more and now am thirsty easier. Not too psyched on the being hydrated so far but I am gonna keep moving forward with it.

I don’t have anything heartfelt at the moment, but I will revisit something that happened a couple of weeks ago soon. To all my long haul covid folks out there – stay strong. I am choosing to have faith that one day we will be okay again. One day soon I hope.

Audible with Andrea…

…A Court of Mist and Fury by Sarah J. Maas.

Well I blew right through that 22 hour book and am onto the next. I figured I should write this before it all blends together! Love the continuation of the series. Rhysand’s world is amazing, detailed, unexpected and complicated (ok it was expected – but unexpected to other characters lol). I love learning more about him and is life and story. He is as suave and seductive as ever – probably more so. The Night Court is way more interesting the the Spring Court and he is way more interesting then Tamlin. Although I still hold a soft spot for Lucien and hope he inevitably makes the right choice – especially after this book. I think he is good but acting out of loyalty to a friend who helped him when he needed it. I wont go into too much detail just because that would take a really long time. I loved the expanded characters of the Night Court and the twist at the end which I both didn’t and did see coming. Also, WOW could they make Tamlin any stupider? He needs Lucien to give him and hard and fast reality check. I am loving the series so far and will continue following these characters and their stores. The narrator changed for the 3rd book which is a bit annoying. I enjoy both narrators I just wish it had remained the same since I am devouring the book back to back. If I had listened as they were released I like wouldn’t have even noticed. The new narrator takes on the same inflections as the old for the character which I appreciate.

Audible with Andrea…

…A Court of Thorns and Roses by Sarah J. Maas

I killed this book in 2 days so suffice it say I enjoyed it. It is like Beauty and Beast meets vampire diaries. The Damon of the book made himself evident early on and I am into it. I know you are supposed to swoon over Tamlin but honestly he is kind of boring and predictable. Love Lucien too – he is pretty honest and straight forward about who he is. Enjoyed seeing the story through Feyre’s eyes as well. Loved the twist in the relationship with her sister Cresta and how she turned out to not be stuck up she just has a strong sense of who is she is and what she wants. Nothing wrong with that even if it clashes with Feyre sometimes. This story provided an escape for my mind when it really needed one. I am grateful for that. Even enjoyed the narrator. I haven’t totally decided on how I feel about Feyre. She doesn’t seem to have a lot of good sense of self preservation or anyone elses. She doesn’t read between the lines well into people trying to help her. She justifies the things she does for her survival, but can’t seem to extend others the same thought or courtesy which bothers me. Even when Rhystand is doing something that seems cruel, I think it’s in her best interested and to keep her alive. Oh I think he kind of enjoys it too but there seems to be greater purpose and depth to him. Just like there is more depth to Feyre then Tamlin sees or I assume will see when she is a different hearted person after her actions in the last book. There is more there for sure and all she sees is evil intention. She needs to look deeper and harder at those around her. I highly recommend and I am already two hours into the next one lol.

My Stress Over Mistake…

…rooted itself in my body and manifested as physical symptoms.

I made a big mistake at work. I’ve been torturing myself since. Last night is manifested itself as severe stomach cramps and diarrhea. I lost 3 lbs over night. Yes I weighed myself. When I feel a bout coming on I get scientific about it lol. Still having the stomach cramps. Definitely my stomach and boy period type cramps. All my work people were very understanding and kind about my mistake. I’m the one torturing myself. I should have been better know better. I should have done more I should have listened more. All those thoughts are running circles in my mind and my guts apparently. I am my own worst enemy no matter how much I try not to be. First in making the mistake and second in killing myself with guilt and regret. And eating my feelings but worrying so much I lose weight. I’m a weirdo. A beautiful hot mess weirdo.

I Was Thinking About My First Memories…

…and came to two conclusions.

I was doing laundry and found my mind wandering to my first memories ever. Maybe because I just saw my nephew and wondered what his first memory would be. I have a tie for my first memory because I don’t know which one came first. They both happened in Sandy, UT in the first house I lived in. #1 I think I was being carried but either way I was headed down the stairs to our basement and turned my head to the left to see my brothers Superman slippers. I can clearly see those slippers in my mind. #2 Being left at home because my brother went to slip and slide and I wasn’t old enough. Completely reasonable but I was little and pissed hahahaha

What I noticed about these memories. Both pertain to my brother. Makes sense. He is the best brother ever and I have always, always though so. The second is more interesting because I am always on guard or sensitive to being left out. So much so, it’s one of my first core memories. Was I born with that insecurity? How would I have developed it by that time? Am I reading too much into it? I don’t know but I tend to think some personality traits are just we who are, and that one is one of mine. Always afraid of being left out. Who knows. Just what was on my mind.

Not Everyone Is Going To Like You…

…or think you are good at your job.

A lesson I learn over and over but especially when I send out volunteer satisfaction surveys. Nothing like being ripped apart after a long hard year of work. It’s always sad to read all things people you like, respect and work so hard for don’t like about you and the job you are doing. I am trying really hard I swear. I know I shouldn’t take it so personally but damn man. All I can do is try to apply some changes to make those folks happier. But I need to remember I will NEVER make everyone happy no matter how hard I try. Gotta take a lesson from Elsa and let it go. Alrighty – gonna go eat my feelings now.

Audible With Andrea…

…The Vegas Diaries by Holly Madison

This was my quick fluff listen before I dive into the world of A Court of Thorns and Roses. I also hadn’t realized that she wrote a book after Down the Rabbit Hole: Curious Adventures and Cautionary Tales of a Former Playboy Bunny. I never missed an episode of The Girls Next Door and I listen to Holly and Bridget’s Podcast Girls Next Level. I read her first book as opposed to listen and maybe that is where my disconnect is coming in. I really enjoy the podcast – maybe Holly is more off the cuff. Her narration sounded to ‘Peep Show’ aka like she was reading a fairy tale instead of relating her life’s experiences. I found it a bit inauthentic. I did enjoy her goings on and her addressing mental health issues and burnout. I really want a similar home to the one she describes moving into at the end of the book. It’s also extremely reassuring to know even someone of her brains and beauty has trouble dating like I do. Overall okay, but not my favorite. If you are an overall fan like me, it’s worth a shot.