…and it’s really, really nice (and slightly terrifying).

I am happy in my relationship. Not everything (in fact almost nothing) is a big fight. I don’t have to convince him that he wants me or that I am worth being with. I felt like I was constantly doing that in most of my past relationships. He just sees that and knows that I am. He makes me coffee without me asking. He just brings me a cup of coffee int he morning. I didn’t know just how much I missed those little thoughtful things. He walks with me and Marty every time we go out – EVERY TIME. It’s so sweet and thoughtful. The physical affection is perfect too (both sexual and not). There is pure affection and throw down passion and zero hesitation on either. We talk about possible futures (not getting ahead of ourselves just dreams and hopes). Most importantly I have zero question on how he feels about me or if he wants me and thinks I am worth it. He tells me all the time and in all sincerity with zero agenda. He’s coming to AZ in June to meet my family which was his idea not mine. He just wants to and wants to know me and my people. It’s so nice and refreshing. He makes time and effort to see me and spend time with me. I do my best to return his efforts. I want to make him happy because I am happy and I don’t have to fight for every inch of that happiness. I don’t have to prove I am worth his effort. I just am and his is wroth mine. No score keeping because it isn’t necessary, the equality in effort is just there. It’s also really scary because now I have all of that to lose and I don’t want to lose it. What is life without having something to lose I suppose though right?

…Feel Like This Ingrid Andress

It’s crazy how manipulation feels like
A soft blanket holding you tight
And every night, sleeping next to someone’s
Just as warm as the gaslight

It’s funny how jealousy sounds like
Somebody’s worried ’bout you
And all that control takes on different roles
Don’t realize the toll it takes on you

I’ve been to pretty dark places
Stuck in toxic situations
But you taste like stability and
That’s new for me

Yeah, this feels like homemade cooking
Like backyard kissing
Like hold the door open and I laugh
But it’s nice like Sunday sleepin’ in
Baby, I’m leaning in
Conversations, I can tell that you’re listening

I thought I knew what
I knew what love was
Guess I didn’t know at all
‘Cause I don’t know what this is
But I think love’s supposed to feel like this

It’s funny how I used to make excuses
Excuses as often as I breathe
Defending him, trying to defuse it
And it would only blow up on me

Yeah, I’ve been to pretty dark places
Stuck in toxic situations
But you taste like security and
That’s new for me

Yeah, this feels like homemade cooking
Like backyard kissing
Like hold the door open and I laugh
But it’s nice like Sunday sleepin’ in
Baby, I’m leaning in
Conversations, I can tell that you’re listening

I thought I knew what
I knew what love was
Guess I didn’t know at all
‘Cause I don’t know what this is
But I think love’s supposed to feel like this

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

Yeah, this feels like not just for tonight
Not some quick goodbye
Tell me that you want me
And I know that you mean it like

Sunday sleepin’ in
Baby, I’m leaning in
Conversations, I can tell that you’re listening

I thought I knew what
I knew what love was
Guess I didn’t know at all
‘Cause I don’t know what this is
But I think love’s supposed to feel like this

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Julia Michaels / Sam Ellis / Ingrid Andress

Feel Like This lyrics © Universal Music Corp., Happy Rock Publishing, Straight From The Art Music, I’ve Got Issues Music, Songs Of Universal Inc., What Is An Ingrid

…thinking about my life and I have to say this far I have no regrets.

My life has been pretty much exactly what I wanted. An adventure. I’ve lived in a bunch of different places. I’ve loved them all for different reasons. I followed. A career of passion and most days I still live it. I may not be rich but I have what I need. I was looking at all these beautiful photos of amazing places and people in my life and it’s just perfectly imperfect. I stand on my own two feet laying my own bills and I know with absolute certainty I can make it on my own. Hell even the photos of folks I’ve dated are all beautiful and I don’t regret a single person that’s been in my life. They made it richer even if it was a short story. I’ve had a pretty sweet life so far. Can’t wait to see what gets added next.

…not really but you will get it when you read.

I didn’t plan on you. I didn’t not plan on your either but I didn’t forsee you coming. I find myself waiting for your texts during the day. I find myself waiting on the weekends when we get to spend time together. I find myself waiting on a touch or a kiss when we are together. When it comes the feeling ranges from small sparks to fire (in a good way). Been a long time since I have felt that. It’s a little scary because now it means I have something to lose. This is also usually the phase where I enter over analyzing everything. I am trying really hard not too. You are the first person who has given me no reason to. Who has gone out of your way to ensure I feel secure and I am able to express what I am feeling and actually listen and not just tell me I am wrong and to shove it back down. You can express your side without invalidating mine adamantly. We talk about it and it’s over and we are back to being just us. There is no prolonged period of wondering if it’s over or how wrong I am as a person. I am finding it hard to trust the security – like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. But that’s my stuff not his. He listens to what I say and takes it to heart. It’s honestly amazing. That’s hard to master. In those moments he looks at me like I am a cupcake and he hasn’t had a sweet in 10 years. Not like he needs it but he really wants it down to his core. It’s the best way I can describe. Like I am not just the nearest or most convenient thing to get his rocks off and not much more. It’s real hot. I didn’t see you coming along, but I am glad you did.

I wrote this almost a month ago lol Time to share I suppose and trust it wont jinx it.

…is ruining my night and my shirt.

Let me start by saying I have no idea if those are real terms. They are just my best descriptors of the anxiety I have right now (and will have h til this event is over). My big annual volunteer appreciation event is 9 days away and I am having nothing but anxiety, particularly right now. I keep thinking of things that could potentially go wrong and putting reminders of things to do in my calendar. I’m now gonna get less sleep then I need. To top it all off I’ve been exposed to Covid…again with horrible timing for this event. All my super powers of anxiety are all laser focused on this event. What if I fuck it up and everyone hates it? What if I get fired? Calculating exactly how long I could survive on what I’d get if I got fired at this exact moment. Did I get too much of something and not enough of something else. Should I go reread the rental agreement in case I missed a weird detail that will ruin the whole night? Yanno, rational things like that. It’s really not fun and I’m not having a good time.

…is pretty scary.

Me and ‘Jay’ (what I am going to call him) have decided to make things titled and official. I am someone’s Girlfriend again. It feels really nice. He’s a good man who makes my stomach flip when he kisses me. But it’s also scary – having someone to lose again. Maybe it’s because I got dumped repeatedly by someone from my past that I am completely freaked out and convinced and just waiting for it to happen again. Learning to sleep with someone in the same bed again has been exhausting. I have gotten very used to hogging my whole bed up…and I like it. But I like having him there to before sleep and waking up. Maybe I have sleeping space issues hahahaha I suppose as far as having things to lose – it’s worth the risk. As a good friend says, ‘gotta risk it to get the biscuit.’