Nothing Like A Suprise Surgery…

…to start your week off.

On Tuesday at about 2 am I woke up with sharp pain in my lower right abdomen. In May of this year I was in the ER with something else and they noted in the tests my appendix had fat banding which could be a precursor of appendicitis and if I ever have any symptoms to get checked out. So naturally, I waited till 10 am to get it checked out (hoping it would get better). I probably would have waited longer but wanted to get it looked at while the boys were in daycare and I could. So hubby and I headed to the urgent care the nurse line said to go to. They said we ca’t diagnose that here so hit the bricks on over to an ER. That felt ridiculous to me because it didn’t feel emergent – just painful but not debilitating. Ultimately decided to go to the ER and get it checked. If I went home and it got worse when the boys were home it would have been a lot harder to go. So I get tests done – labs are fine. Luckily the doctor wasn’t a ‘labs are fine so are you’ type (as women we have all seen that type of doctor and been dismissed by them) and he ordered a CT. So we are sitting in the ER hallway waiting for results for awhile. I will say it was a good ER and tests were done quickly with minimal wait, very efficient. I start telling myself I made us sit here for hours for nothing and feeling guilty. Doctor appracohes and informs me that my appendix is inflamed meaning I do have appendcitis. Half of me feels justified that it wasn’t in my head half of me is unhappy because now I need surgery. They don’t do the surgery at the ER I went to because they aren’t a full hospital so I get an ambulance ride to the military hospital. Once I get to my curtained portion of the room I was in, I immediately long for the ER hallway. I am in a mass room with like 5 other patients and we all have a curtained off area. That wasn’t so bad it just super smelled like pee. That was bad.

So at around 7 pm, after 41 years together, my appendix and I part ways. It was night shift so I was the only one in prep and post. It was kind of freaky. Like am I in the first episode of the Walking Dead as Rick kind of situation. Then someone came along. Tried to wheel me away in the bed but couldn’t push it by herself. Had to go get help. Which is fine but wow I felt fat hahaha Then I spent the night and got picked up yesterday mid morning.

I was alone. My husband had to pick up and care for our kids. Which is exactly what he should have done and I was fine on my own. I took care of myself for a very long time. It just got me thinking. I am in this awesoe partnership but that night when we should have had our partner (me to help with the boys or him to be with me in the hospital) we were alone. Then I started thinking what if he was out to sea? I don’t have back up here or anyone who could fly here on short notice to Hawaii. I would have just said hey no thanks I have young children – can’t have surgery today. Luckily that wasn’t the case but I am sure it is for military partners world wide. Maybe I should start a nonprofit that offers support of this kind in emergency situations for military partners. Does that exist already? Maybe.

Anywho – that is how my week started and now I am recovering as best I can. It’s a minimally invasive procedure but damn my abdomen hurts. Yesterday and right after it was my ribs and shoulder, from the trapped gas. Worst part is I cannot lift either one of my kids for awhile. Which is imposisble as you may know. Pretty much everything with child care is lifting them. And they want me to carry them. When we are sitting together they squirm (as kids do and should) and hit my stomach or use it a point to push up from or something equally as painful. They don’t know what they are doing and I don’t want to miss time with them so I try to prevent it but I can’t stop every movement. It’s not great that it’s painful – I just hope I don’t reopen anything internally. I can see the small out incisions and they look fine. That’s just life I suppose though. Some things are worth the pain.

Hoping to feel better soon.

My Professional Life as A Military Spouse…

…has suffered.

Let me start by saying as a military spouse we all know what we signed up for, but that doesn’t make it easier. So all the people out there saying “well you signed up for this” can shove it.

I love my husband beyond words and our kids and life – I wouldn’t give it up for anything. But my career that I worked hard to get has suffered with the PCS move. I loved my job in San Diego. It was perfect honestly for the most part. Loved my boss too. Made decent money for a nonprofit and my line of work. Here I give tours which is mostly fun but it’s tedious. It’s also not awesome pay. Additionally, I have to work Sundays which is really hard. I leave my boys and husband to have fun and spend time together, while I go to a job I kind of like to make very little money and not make a huge difference. I asked for Sundays to be removed from my schedule and offered to switch to full time during the week. I said it was affecting my mental health (because it is) and was promptly told to fuck right off too bad bitch you have to work Sundays. While many others who are newer than me, receive accommodation for weekends off. I also requested one day in December (my brother’s family is visiting) and was once again told to fuck right off. ONE DAY! WTF? So, I am starting to ask myself if this job is really worth it? I need something for sure, but is this it?

I gave up a lot professionally, to gain a lot personally. It’s worth it but it is still difficult. I will hold the story about the PCS, hotel living with the whole crew and loaner furniture for another post.

That brings me to the job I want out here. I interviewed for the job I want and it was great. He also told me it would be a long timeline and an unsure one. I am fine with that for this chance, but I do find myself checking my email more hoping for THE email with good news on this front. I am trying to be patient and put positive vibes in the universe. Hopefully they come back to me.

So, for now, while I wait and think, I will continue to miss Sundays with my family for a mediocre job. I will control my facial expression when constantly told NO to reasonable requests. I will do my best anyway…I will let you know how that goes.

Feeling Like A Failure As a Mom…

…pretty much on a daily basis.

Talked a bit about my 2-year-olds biting last post. He also is now pulling hair. All normal 2-year-old stuff honestly. Not being able to communicate your big feelings so they come out in a different way. But every day I go to pick him up from daycare – first thing is a report on biting. And I just feel like the worst parent ever. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s just me reading into it or what, but hot damn kills a piece of me every day. Especially since he is so freaking sweet. When we leave, he waves goodbye and blows kisses. I think that is just being 2 years old. I know someone out there can relate. So, let’s be real here – all toddlers aren’t the perfect humans who are better than all other toddlers. A lot of parents act like that and judge and it’s just a lot to deal with on top of my own internal judgement. But does that judgement just from me internally or did it just start there as a thought and all the judgement of the world and people around me made it into an anxiety monster? Maybe. That is my honest truth, and I hope it makes another parent feel better about their perfectly imperfect toddler.

I made an email address for both of my sons, and I write them emails about big milestones or totally ordinary days. They are generally very positive, but I am wondering if I should start including some not-so-great days and experiences too. Maybe if they become parents one day it will help relieve some of their fears or guilt. I want to be honest with them but also convey how much I love them, and they mean to me in these emails. They are like little time capsules from a time the wont really remember but is one of the best of my life.

Therapy is coming up so I suppose that is all of my guilt purging for now. Oh yeah I am back in therapy. Reccomend.

Biting Balanced with Kisses…

…talking about my toddler (not my husband lol)

I was going to talk about parenthood in general but decided to focus on my toddler. He a little over 2. He is somehow simultaneously the sweetest little boy and a pissed off land shark. He has tantrums but honestly not super often. But when he does he bites. He is also biting at daycare which is a problem for sure. Biting me is one thing but biting at school leads to a whole other host of problems, headaches and Mom guilt. I obviously don’t want him biting anyone, but hot damn do I feel like the worst parent of all time when I got to pick him up and have to sign a report that he bit someone. This last time they informed me they would now have to document every time he even tries to bite, and we have to meet with the behavior specialist. Apparently most two-year-olds get told not to bite once and never do it again (I find this hard to believe). But I am all for any expert help available to help me raise good humans. So it’s not the end of the world but holy crap did I feel like a epic failure of a parent that day. There are more days like that as a parent then I expected, despite giving them my all. But for every bad day or bite, there is a spontaneous hug or kiss that is worth it all. He says and signs please and thank you and he is so smart. He is also an excellent big brother. He pushes his little brother into daycare every day and brings him toys. He gives the best snuggles and his laugh is the best sound in the whole world. He is a great sleeper (we have the same bedtime routine every night and have since he was 2 weeks old). He is an okay eater but loves yogurt and chips.

I didn’t and don’t expect anything about raising humans to be easy, but I also didn’t expect the level of guilt I experience pretty much daily. There is also 100 times more judgement then expected but that will need it’s own post. For the parents out there reading this – you are giving it your all and doing a great job. Don’t let the muggles get you down. I see you and appreciate you!

Hello Again It’s Been…

…a hot minute.

Hello internet! It has been a long time. Let’s start with basic updates. I have TWO sons now. Crazy I know. My first son was born via unplanned c-section and my second was born planned c-section. They are 20 months apart and both amazing and doing very well. Marriage is still amazing and we are both working on ourselves, our marriage and our family. We live in Hawaii now. Marty is doing well – he is about to go have a spa day and get a haircut.

I feel like I have so many catch up posts to make but I will start with an apology for being gone so long. Lots of life stuff I just lost track. I started therapy again today and decided to pick this back up as well because it was good for me (and maybe it helps someone out there feel less alone as well). Post partum is hard and has been harder this second time around. Could be because I never got out of postpartum the first time before getting pregnant again, could be the big move when my 2nd son was only 6 weeks old, could just be me. Who knows. But it’s been hard. I have had more mood swings and spirals this go. That is the main reason I picked up therapy again.

Moving to Hawaii has been hard. I loved the life I/We built in San Diego. I had friends and a job I loved. Boys had a daycare that adored them. We built a wonderful home there then BAM – moving to Hawaii. I know all the things people have said. “you know what you signed up for being a military wife” “Worse places then Hawaii” and while all true, not helpful. The opposite actually. I know everyone wants me to just love Hawaii. For vacation yes, but I don’t like living here a whole lot. I will absolutely make the most of it while we are here, but overall, I can’t wait to leave. I can’t even put my finger on why. Just is.

This is a good start and will split the rest into future posts. If you are still out there reading along with me – thanks.

Lyrics to Live By…

…I Am Not Okay performed by Jelly Roll

I am not okay
I’m barely getting by
I’m losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not okay
I’m hanging on the rails
So if I say I’m fine
Just know I learned to hide it well

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright

I woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain’t all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I’m better off
Layin’ in that dirt

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright

Gonna be alright
Gonna be alright

I know one day
We’ll see the other side
The pain’ll wash away
In a holy water tide
And we all gonna be alright

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright

Songwriters: Ashley Glenn Gorley / Casey Brown / Taylor Delmar Phillips / Jason Bradley De Ford

I Didn’t Even Have to Ask…

…and never really do in this relationship. Which is why I married him.

My pup had a bit of a bad reaction to vaccine which led to me and him back at the vet getting x-rays, blood work and a battery of other tests and treatments. Pup is fine now – to ease that concern up front. Me and the pup went to vet around 4 pm and without having to ask or convey that I needed the support my husband comes walking in the room as soon as he got off work. Didn’t go home to change or any other excuse not to come. Just told me he knew I needed him and was there. May seem simple to some but means the world to me. He always does this. He always sees needs and meets them without me having to ask (or beg in as in past relationships). It’s everything I never thought I would have. That’s why I married him without a doubt, second though or question. He does all this not only because he loves me but because that’s who he is. And it’s amazing. I don’t really think he sees how amazing he is. Maybe one day he will read this and realize it – at least through my eyes anyway. I hope I can and do meet the level of support he offers me. I try – but it’s a high bar. I made the right choice – no question. He was totally worth the wait and not settling for any less.

STOP Saying These Things to Pregnant Women…

…or at least stop fucking saying them to me.

STOP comparing me to your perfect pregnancy or your daughters or all the other people who are better then me. Stop comparing me to their worse ones like I should be doing more. JUST FUCKING STOP. You aren’t me -you don’t know how I feel. I neither asked for nor want your input or opinions. I know I am not out there doing exercise videos looking flawless and saying how wonderful being pregnant is. I KNOW. I am also not having a horrible time either. Can’t I be in the middle? Can’t I be able to do less because I am making a human? I am sorry I am not enough or too much for you all. I am sorry that I can’t do as much physically as I did not pregnant and somehow that isn’t living up to your standards for me. You aren’t me – you aren’t my doctor so you can keep all that to yourself. I don’t need or want to hear any of it. If you want to tell me I look nice or I am doing great or even if you want to talk about anything other then pregnancy – that is all nice too. But KNOW THIS. I don’t need to meet whatever stupid standard you have set by being someone who sees me once a week or less. Leave me alone or at least without your unfair judgements. Doing the best I can here.

Stop Commenting On My Dog…

…and how he is going to react to having a baby around.

Seriously – it’s pissing me off. Every goddam day someone says ‘oh I hope Marty adjusts to the baby’ ‘Marty is gonna have to get used to not being #1’ and a million other variations of this crap. I know they don’t mean harm but I will never not spoil, cuddle or provide everything Marty needs. I will have a child and a fur baby and both will be loved and cared for to the best of my ability. Having a baby does NOT make my dog suddenly unimportant or a second class citizen so stop implying that. I have started snapping at people who do this. I just reply with ‘ oh I still plan on loving my dog too.’ Maybe it’s an overreaction but it’s making me incredibly angry.

Social Media…

…friend or foe?

I have been thinking about this lately. I really enjoy scrolling through a lot of nothing. It’s not super personal it’s just entertainment. I do sometimes learn things from tiktok hahaha But what about people who seem to think that if they don’t splash everything on social media it doesn’t exist? Also – what is up with influencers like making a living of creating stupid content? Imagine your life revolving around social media. Just all seems like a lot to me. Just thinking out loud. It also sometimes triggers my anxiety in weird ways I don’t expect. Hard to explain without giving out too many details I am not ready to share yet. They also don’t strictly pertain to me. You all know I try to only share things that strictly pertain to me. I am an open book but most people aren’t and I want to respect that.