Since a semi automatic weapon officially has more rights protections then I as a woman do now, I am not feeling particularly patriotic this year so I volunteered to work the holiday. That isn’t to say I am not grateful for all who serve and sacrifice for this country – I Truly Am. But the rights the wonderful people have fought for are being stripped away. For those reasons – I don’t feel like partaking in the festivities this year. Is anyone else feeling that way? Or just me?
DANGIT! I was out gardening with my volunteers on Saturday when it happened. I was using a hoe to get a particularly stubborn weed up. I was putting all my muscle behind it and bracing myself with my legs. I felt a pop in my bad knee. It didn’t hurt, but it was a distinct pop. Didn’t think much of it. Went about my day and it kept popping. It’s Monday and it’s still doing it. It’s like something is catching inside of knee. If you know me you know I HATE any kind of popping of joints – makes me queasy. Going up stairs is particularly poppy. Which is rough when you live on the second floor. I know I should go to the doctor but they never seem to take my knee pain seriously. They basically just say you’re fine walk it off. So why bother going in at all?
One minute you’re okay and the next a wave of sadness and missing the other person washes over you. You’re just waiting for the wave recede. For the fresh reminder and pain to wash back out. That’s where I’m at. Waiting for the wave to wash back out. That heavy feeling on your chest. Pain in your heart. I know your heart is just the thing in your chest that pumps blood and keeps you alive and the pain is manifesting there because that’s where your head and society tells you the physical pain to accompany the emotional pain should be.
Even when you saw the end coming for you, it never feels good to be dumped. love lost is always sad. Especially when the love existing was never the problem. The love was there on both ends. Knowing how to fight and matching wants in life didn’t seem to be. We tried to change each other too much. Doesn’t make it any less painful if I’m honest. Still have that wave of memory and pain washing over me. I suppose that means it was a relationship worth having. One to carry in a piece of your heart. Timing really is everything.
Which is clearly too much to ask. Your religious beliefs should not dictate my government or body. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK is going on? This appalling act will not end abortion, it will kill women. We have been here before – WHY THE FUCK ARE WE GOING BACKWARDS?! Mark my words this will not be the last right taken away due to religion.
Forcing women to have babies they don’t want and can’t support without offering the support required IS NOT PRO LIFE. Sacrificing women for splitting cells IS NOT PRO LIFE. I have heard people talk about child support. So that child support should start at conception (being pregnant is expensive) and me harshly enforced. Let’s talk to some women not receiving the court ordered child support no matter what they do and see how well that is working for them.
Let’s give every male a vasectomy at birth and when they reach a certain age or income level it can be reversed. Or is that too much control over the male body instead of the female body? Seems if we are going to unfair extremes this is the way to go. Better to unload the gun then shoot at a bullet proof vest and hope for the best right? Speaking of guns, guns officially have more rights then I and all other women do now. How do you not see that?!
I am so fucking upset and disappointed I can’t focus! Seriously, what the actual fuck is happening here? Does this feel like the flashback scenes in Handmaids Tale where rights are slowly, or not so slowly, stripped away from women?
I think (as in all my posts) I need to write down my feelings. I hope the one person out there who needs to read this does. I know it’s over, you made that very clear, and I know it’s for the best for you, but I do love you and I really did try. I tried to be what you wanted and needed. I tried to move on your timeline and respect. I tried to live for you instead of me. When I started living for me it was not met with love. Maybe it was selfish, but someone had to live for me. Shouldn’t that be me? I am really sorry I failed you and left you wanting. I thought we would spend our lives together but it wasn’t meant to be. I wish you well and I really hope you find happiness. You are a good and kind man who deserves it. I love you and you will carry a piece of my heart probably forever. I am sorry it didn’t go the distance. I am sorry for all the ways I failed you and the relationship in all the ways you told me I have. I am sorry for not speaking up for myself sooner, maybe it could have worked out if I did. I am still here if you need a friend to talk to. I am happy to be your friend. Until then I wish you happiness and health.
…talking to someone everyday for 3.5 years then not at all.
Being single again still feels a bit surreal. I know it’s for the best (particularly for him because I can’t give him what he wants) but it’s still really weird. I talked to this person everyday for 3.5 years. They were in my life in a big way, and now they are just gone. It’s a peculiar feeling that’s for sure. I reach for my phone every time something funny happens he’d appreciate. Then I remember I can’t reach out and tell him about whatever it is. And the empty feeling is so unfamiliar and odd. It’s not necessarily painful. I would call it hollow. If that makes any sense to you all. There is a just a hole in my life where he used to be. It will fill. I know it will over time. It’s just weird for now. One day it wont feel like a hole, one day I wont want to tell him the funny things that happen. I have done this song and dance before, but I really didn’t think I would be here again after I met him. But here we are. Life is weird – doesn’t work out how you see it in your mind. That is probably for the best. He will find someone better suited for his needs. I will go back to being me. Maybe I will find someone who likes me for me – maybe not. But it will be okay either way.
He made it pretty clear it’s over. If I’m honest he’s made that pretty clear a lot of times. I’ve talked him out of it before. I see that’s wrong now. I see he’s always held himself back in the relationship because he’s known for awhile I’m not it for him. I don’t have the ability to be what he needs and that’s okay. It’s time to listen and let him go. It’s just kinda hard. And sad. But it will get better. Time wounds all heals.
I am getting on a plane tomorrow to leave temperature in the sixties to go to 110. If that doesn’t feel like going home I don’t know what does (I didn’t say it was good). Headed to Phoenix tomorrow to see some baseball game with my Dad and visit family. I am excited to go but apprehensive on weather, I don’t have Phoenix Blood anymore, and leaving Marty. He’ll be fine and has wonderful people who love him looking after him, it just always makes me nervous. I need a trip home. With everything happening in my relationship or not relationship (still unclear if we are together – should I be dating?) maybe a little distance and distraction will be good. I go back and forth on what is best concerning that. But he pretty clearly doesn’t want a romantic relationship with me anymore and he has always been questioning if I am the one for him anyway. Maybe it’s time I listen and let it go.
Anyway back to Phoenix and some D-Backs fun. Hopefully it gets me out of this melancholy funk of my maybe relationship.
I heard that today on a tik tok of all things and it has stuck with me. Me and my dude are terrible fighters with each other. We lose it. It goes from bad to worse to breaking up (I am actually not sure we are still in a relationship – he’s still mad at me from our last fight). If we fought better maybe everything would go better, including the good times. What worries be it’s been 3.5 years and we still haven’t figured out how to fight. I am not sure how much longer we should keep trying to figure it out. I am not trying to be dramatic but practical. If we never learn to fight it is going to be a long life together. I also just can’t take being the thing that makes him miserable anymore. I can’t take being the reason he’s so angry in the first place anymore. Just can’t. If I can’t be something positive in his life it might be better to not be in his life. When I say that I mean better for him because he wouldn’t have what he seems to consider my negative influence on his life. Again, none of this is meant to be self deprecating – it’s just what I am thinking. He’s told me I am a bad girlfriend and maybe I am. Maybe I try to support him in ways I think are effective and not ways he does. But I think he does the same. So it’s hard to see when one of us is really trying to support the other one.