Feeling Like A Failure As a Mom…

…pretty much on a daily basis.

Talked a bit about my 2-year-olds biting last post. He also is now pulling hair. All normal 2-year-old stuff honestly. Not being able to communicate your big feelings so they come out in a different way. But every day I go to pick him up from daycare – first thing is a report on biting. And I just feel like the worst parent ever. Honestly, I don’t know if it’s just me reading into it or what, but hot damn kills a piece of me every day. Especially since he is so freaking sweet. When we leave, he waves goodbye and blows kisses. I think that is just being 2 years old. I know someone out there can relate. So, let’s be real here – all toddlers aren’t the perfect humans who are better than all other toddlers. A lot of parents act like that and judge and it’s just a lot to deal with on top of my own internal judgement. But does that judgement just from me internally or did it just start there as a thought and all the judgement of the world and people around me made it into an anxiety monster? Maybe. That is my honest truth, and I hope it makes another parent feel better about their perfectly imperfect toddler.

I made an email address for both of my sons, and I write them emails about big milestones or totally ordinary days. They are generally very positive, but I am wondering if I should start including some not-so-great days and experiences too. Maybe if they become parents one day it will help relieve some of their fears or guilt. I want to be honest with them but also convey how much I love them, and they mean to me in these emails. They are like little time capsules from a time the wont really remember but is one of the best of my life.

Therapy is coming up so I suppose that is all of my guilt purging for now. Oh yeah I am back in therapy. Reccomend.

Biting Balanced with Kisses…

…talking about my toddler (not my husband lol)

I was going to talk about parenthood in general but decided to focus on my toddler. He a little over 2. He is somehow simultaneously the sweetest little boy and a pissed off land shark. He has tantrums but honestly not super often. But when he does he bites. He is also biting at daycare which is a problem for sure. Biting me is one thing but biting at school leads to a whole other host of problems, headaches and Mom guilt. I obviously don’t want him biting anyone, but hot damn do I feel like the worst parent of all time when I got to pick him up and have to sign a report that he bit someone. This last time they informed me they would now have to document every time he even tries to bite, and we have to meet with the behavior specialist. Apparently most two-year-olds get told not to bite once and never do it again (I find this hard to believe). But I am all for any expert help available to help me raise good humans. So it’s not the end of the world but holy crap did I feel like a epic failure of a parent that day. There are more days like that as a parent then I expected, despite giving them my all. But for every bad day or bite, there is a spontaneous hug or kiss that is worth it all. He says and signs please and thank you and he is so smart. He is also an excellent big brother. He pushes his little brother into daycare every day and brings him toys. He gives the best snuggles and his laugh is the best sound in the whole world. He is a great sleeper (we have the same bedtime routine every night and have since he was 2 weeks old). He is an okay eater but loves yogurt and chips.

I didn’t and don’t expect anything about raising humans to be easy, but I also didn’t expect the level of guilt I experience pretty much daily. There is also 100 times more judgement then expected but that will need it’s own post. For the parents out there reading this – you are giving it your all and doing a great job. Don’t let the muggles get you down. I see you and appreciate you!

Hello Again It’s Been…

…a hot minute.

Hello internet! It has been a long time. Let’s start with basic updates. I have TWO sons now. Crazy I know. My first son was born via unplanned c-section and my second was born planned c-section. They are 20 months apart and both amazing and doing very well. Marriage is still amazing and we are both working on ourselves, our marriage and our family. We live in Hawaii now. Marty is doing well – he is about to go have a spa day and get a haircut.

I feel like I have so many catch up posts to make but I will start with an apology for being gone so long. Lots of life stuff I just lost track. I started therapy again today and decided to pick this back up as well because it was good for me (and maybe it helps someone out there feel less alone as well). Post partum is hard and has been harder this second time around. Could be because I never got out of postpartum the first time before getting pregnant again, could be the big move when my 2nd son was only 6 weeks old, could just be me. Who knows. But it’s been hard. I have had more mood swings and spirals this go. That is the main reason I picked up therapy again.

Moving to Hawaii has been hard. I loved the life I/We built in San Diego. I had friends and a job I loved. Boys had a daycare that adored them. We built a wonderful home there then BAM – moving to Hawaii. I know all the things people have said. “you know what you signed up for being a military wife” “Worse places then Hawaii” and while all true, not helpful. The opposite actually. I know everyone wants me to just love Hawaii. For vacation yes, but I don’t like living here a whole lot. I will absolutely make the most of it while we are here, but overall, I can’t wait to leave. I can’t even put my finger on why. Just is.

This is a good start and will split the rest into future posts. If you are still out there reading along with me – thanks.

Lyrics to Live By…

…I Am Not Okay performed by Jelly Roll

I am not okay
I’m barely getting by
I’m losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not okay
I’m hanging on the rails
So if I say I’m fine
Just know I learned to hide it well

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright

I woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain’t all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I’m better off
Layin’ in that dirt

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright

Gonna be alright
Gonna be alright

I know one day
We’ll see the other side
The pain’ll wash away
In a holy water tide
And we all gonna be alright

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright

Songwriters: Ashley Glenn Gorley / Casey Brown / Taylor Delmar Phillips / Jason Bradley De Ford

I Didn’t Even Have to Ask…

…and never really do in this relationship. Which is why I married him.

My pup had a bit of a bad reaction to vaccine which led to me and him back at the vet getting x-rays, blood work and a battery of other tests and treatments. Pup is fine now – to ease that concern up front. Me and the pup went to vet around 4 pm and without having to ask or convey that I needed the support my husband comes walking in the room as soon as he got off work. Didn’t go home to change or any other excuse not to come. Just told me he knew I needed him and was there. May seem simple to some but means the world to me. He always does this. He always sees needs and meets them without me having to ask (or beg in as in past relationships). It’s everything I never thought I would have. That’s why I married him without a doubt, second though or question. He does all this not only because he loves me but because that’s who he is. And it’s amazing. I don’t really think he sees how amazing he is. Maybe one day he will read this and realize it – at least through my eyes anyway. I hope I can and do meet the level of support he offers me. I try – but it’s a high bar. I made the right choice – no question. He was totally worth the wait and not settling for any less.

STOP Saying These Things to Pregnant Women…

…or at least stop fucking saying them to me.

STOP comparing me to your perfect pregnancy or your daughters or all the other people who are better then me. Stop comparing me to their worse ones like I should be doing more. JUST FUCKING STOP. You aren’t me -you don’t know how I feel. I neither asked for nor want your input or opinions. I know I am not out there doing exercise videos looking flawless and saying how wonderful being pregnant is. I KNOW. I am also not having a horrible time either. Can’t I be in the middle? Can’t I be able to do less because I am making a human? I am sorry I am not enough or too much for you all. I am sorry that I can’t do as much physically as I did not pregnant and somehow that isn’t living up to your standards for me. You aren’t me – you aren’t my doctor so you can keep all that to yourself. I don’t need or want to hear any of it. If you want to tell me I look nice or I am doing great or even if you want to talk about anything other then pregnancy – that is all nice too. But KNOW THIS. I don’t need to meet whatever stupid standard you have set by being someone who sees me once a week or less. Leave me alone or at least without your unfair judgements. Doing the best I can here.

Stop Commenting On My Dog…

…and how he is going to react to having a baby around.

Seriously – it’s pissing me off. Every goddam day someone says ‘oh I hope Marty adjusts to the baby’ ‘Marty is gonna have to get used to not being #1’ and a million other variations of this crap. I know they don’t mean harm but I will never not spoil, cuddle or provide everything Marty needs. I will have a child and a fur baby and both will be loved and cared for to the best of my ability. Having a baby does NOT make my dog suddenly unimportant or a second class citizen so stop implying that. I have started snapping at people who do this. I just reply with ‘ oh I still plan on loving my dog too.’ Maybe it’s an overreaction but it’s making me incredibly angry.

Social Media…

…friend or foe?

I have been thinking about this lately. I really enjoy scrolling through a lot of nothing. It’s not super personal it’s just entertainment. I do sometimes learn things from tiktok hahaha But what about people who seem to think that if they don’t splash everything on social media it doesn’t exist? Also – what is up with influencers like making a living of creating stupid content? Imagine your life revolving around social media. Just all seems like a lot to me. Just thinking out loud. It also sometimes triggers my anxiety in weird ways I don’t expect. Hard to explain without giving out too many details I am not ready to share yet. They also don’t strictly pertain to me. You all know I try to only share things that strictly pertain to me. I am an open book but most people aren’t and I want to respect that.

Let’s Talk About Food…

…and how eating (especially for women) is portrayed.

I put on an old movie (America’s Sweethearts) and really got to think about how food and eating is represented in media (movies, tv, magazines whatever). In this movie Julia Roberts character has lost 60 lbs because she cut carbs. She refers to not eating bread several times and when shes upset she eats a bunch of carbs. Because of course eating some carbs is rock bottom because it threatens her thin weight might fluctuate. Then Jon Cusak’s character wouldn’t be interested anymore because she gained an ounce. On the Girls Next Level podcast they often talk about how food is represented on the show, particularly for Bridget. They wanted to make her the chunky one – imagine that. She is absolutely lovely and thing as hell. But the show constantly shows her eating (as if that’s a bad thing). You need to eat – especially when there is good food. Why wouldn’t a person eat? I have also seen a lot of reels about why millennial women have issues with food then it runs horrible clips of how food and weight is portrayed in the media. They are right. That’s a huge reason we have so many issues with food and body image and weight. Even my husband (who likes curves – he’d have to be attracted to me) said he felt pressured to be into the stereotypical thinness rather then what he was into and it took him awhile to figure that out. My personal relationship with food has changed a lot with pregnancy. In the first trimester it was whatever I could keep down. Now, in my second trimester, I am trying to meet certain goals of protein and whatnot in a day. I feel full all the time but the body needs fuel. Even now that I know that, it’s hard to eat more then I usually did for fear of ‘getting fat.’ I felt really proud I didn’t gain weight in my first trimester (I actually lost some) and then I wondered why that made me feel better? You are supposed to gain weight during pregnancy. Not a lot lot lot but some. Why does that scare me? I bring it back to this ridiculous pressure to be ‘healthy’ aka thin (see Barbie movie monologue). I’m not saying that it’s only pressure on women, but let’s face it – it’s mostly on women. Look at the all the shows with a bigger guy and rail thin woman. When is it reversed? So much so that the guys who like some curves feel like it’s wrong to like that. That’s crazy too! It’s all nuts and needs to be addressed. So I am addressing it as best I can in this stream of thoughts. What do you think?

Audible with Andrea…

…Only Say Good Things: Surviving Playboy and Finding Myself by Crystal Hefner/Harris

I don’t know why I hadn’t listened to this yet but I am glad I did. While I love Holly Madison, I actually enjoyed Crystal’s book a lot more. I thought it was very frank, honest and open. It didn’t shy away from the bad but also highlighted some good. It felt less like it was being told as a fairy tale and more like real life. I enjoyed her tone and especially the ending where she is still continuing the get back to who she was before. That finding herself will be a lifelong journey instead of ‘happy ending.’ It was a quick listen and has a good message. I recommend.