…always need more.

I think I might be addicted to my BF hahahaha Our time together FLIES by and there never seems to be enough of it. We went to Phoenix this weekend and he met my whole family. We spent every second of that together, including two long car rides, and I just didn’t want him to leave when I got home. I just want him near me if not touching most of the time. There are always things to talk about or just hang out and watch tv. Don’t even get me started on our sex life – WOW. Just saying. Never had sex like that before. Maybe it’s the mix of the emotional and physical connection. The never being able to be close enough. Even as I am writing this I just want today to be over so it’s tonight and we are together. No idea what I am gonna do with myself when he deploys. Burn that bridge when we get there. Maybe it’s because I am not constantly afraid he is going to dump me and leave for making any mistake (hello past relationships). I can just be me, even when that isn’t so attractive, and it’s not only okay he likes me. I was in a horrible mood last night and wasn’t super nice. I apologized this morning – apology accepted and it was over. I know exactly how he feels about me. He tells me everyday. I know what he wants – we talk about and plan for our future all the time. It’s comfortable conversation where I don’t have to tip toe in fear of scaring him off. He just wants that with me. It’s amazing. I just feel happy – not anxious. I have never really had that in a relationship.

…Ring Pop Performed by Jax

Cheap wine, drunken nights, bowling alley
Pillow and a mattress on the floor
I know we’re supposed to want way more
We might never leave the valley
We got everything we need at the corner store
I don’t care what’s in store

‘Cause if we’re gonna die, let us die sugar-coated
Oh, we don’t got a dime to our names, but we’re loaded

Oh, we got all we’ll ever need
I think our grass is pretty green
We make our own luck
No wonder the neighbors are jealous
We don’t cheat at Monopoly
Already won the lottery
Don’t need no diamonds, you’re my rock
And I’m okay with a Ring Pop

And we’ll never afford a Picasso
We can get it on at the get and go
Paint me like Rose, you can be Leo
Our one bedroom feels like a castle
Popcorn ceiling, linoleum floor
We could build a fort

‘Cause if we’re gonna die, let us die sugar-coated
Oh, we don’t got a dime to our names, but we’re loaded

Oh, we got all we’ll ever need
I think our grass is pretty green
We make our own luck
No wonder the neighbors are jealous
We don’t cheat at Monopoly
Already won the lottery
Don’t need no diamonds, you’re my rock
And I’m okay with a Ring Pop

Our one bedroom feels like a castle
Pillow and a mattress on the floor
We could build a fort

Oh, we got all we’ll ever need
I think our grass is pretty green
We make our own luck
No wonder the neighbors are jealous
We don’t cheat at Monopoly
Already won the lottery
Don’t need no diamonds, you’re my rock
And I’m okay with a Ring Pop

Songwriters: Alexander Sacco / Allison Crystal / Jacqueline Miskanic / Noemie Legrand

…relax a little more.

That is how I feel when I am with my man versus not. When I am in his company and just touching (not sexually…ok sometimes) I feel better. I feel a little calmer and like I can breathe a little deeper. I am not stressed all the time or worried anything and everything I do is wrong. It’s kind of like getting your braces off – you didn’t realize how tight they were until they were gone. Don’t get me wrong – I function just fine on my own, I just feel better when we are around each other. It’s new and nice.

…and it’s really, really nice (and slightly terrifying).

I am happy in my relationship. Not everything (in fact almost nothing) is a big fight. I don’t have to convince him that he wants me or that I am worth being with. I felt like I was constantly doing that in most of my past relationships. He just sees that and knows that I am. He makes me coffee without me asking. He just brings me a cup of coffee int he morning. I didn’t know just how much I missed those little thoughtful things. He walks with me and Marty every time we go out – EVERY TIME. It’s so sweet and thoughtful. The physical affection is perfect too (both sexual and not). There is pure affection and throw down passion and zero hesitation on either. We talk about possible futures (not getting ahead of ourselves just dreams and hopes). Most importantly I have zero question on how he feels about me or if he wants me and thinks I am worth it. He tells me all the time and in all sincerity with zero agenda. He’s coming to AZ in June to meet my family which was his idea not mine. He just wants to and wants to know me and my people. It’s so nice and refreshing. He makes time and effort to see me and spend time with me. I do my best to return his efforts. I want to make him happy because I am happy and I don’t have to fight for every inch of that happiness. I don’t have to prove I am worth his effort. I just am and his is wroth mine. No score keeping because it isn’t necessary, the equality in effort is just there. It’s also really scary because now I have all of that to lose and I don’t want to lose it. What is life without having something to lose I suppose though right?

…Feel Like This Ingrid Andress

It’s crazy how manipulation feels like
A soft blanket holding you tight
And every night, sleeping next to someone’s
Just as warm as the gaslight

It’s funny how jealousy sounds like
Somebody’s worried ’bout you
And all that control takes on different roles
Don’t realize the toll it takes on you

I’ve been to pretty dark places
Stuck in toxic situations
But you taste like stability and
That’s new for me

Yeah, this feels like homemade cooking
Like backyard kissing
Like hold the door open and I laugh
But it’s nice like Sunday sleepin’ in
Baby, I’m leaning in
Conversations, I can tell that you’re listening

I thought I knew what
I knew what love was
Guess I didn’t know at all
‘Cause I don’t know what this is
But I think love’s supposed to feel like this

It’s funny how I used to make excuses
Excuses as often as I breathe
Defending him, trying to defuse it
And it would only blow up on me

Yeah, I’ve been to pretty dark places
Stuck in toxic situations
But you taste like security and
That’s new for me

Yeah, this feels like homemade cooking
Like backyard kissing
Like hold the door open and I laugh
But it’s nice like Sunday sleepin’ in
Baby, I’m leaning in
Conversations, I can tell that you’re listening

I thought I knew what
I knew what love was
Guess I didn’t know at all
‘Cause I don’t know what this is
But I think love’s supposed to feel like this

Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh
Ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh

Yeah, this feels like not just for tonight
Not some quick goodbye
Tell me that you want me
And I know that you mean it like

Sunday sleepin’ in
Baby, I’m leaning in
Conversations, I can tell that you’re listening

I thought I knew what
I knew what love was
Guess I didn’t know at all
‘Cause I don’t know what this is
But I think love’s supposed to feel like this

Source: Musixmatch

Songwriters: Julia Michaels / Sam Ellis / Ingrid Andress

Feel Like This lyrics © Universal Music Corp., Happy Rock Publishing, Straight From The Art Music, I’ve Got Issues Music, Songs Of Universal Inc., What Is An Ingrid

…thinking about my life and I have to say this far I have no regrets.

My life has been pretty much exactly what I wanted. An adventure. I’ve lived in a bunch of different places. I’ve loved them all for different reasons. I followed. A career of passion and most days I still live it. I may not be rich but I have what I need. I was looking at all these beautiful photos of amazing places and people in my life and it’s just perfectly imperfect. I stand on my own two feet laying my own bills and I know with absolute certainty I can make it on my own. Hell even the photos of folks I’ve dated are all beautiful and I don’t regret a single person that’s been in my life. They made it richer even if it was a short story. I’ve had a pretty sweet life so far. Can’t wait to see what gets added next.