…A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas

Honestly, I finished this awhile back and forgot to write this, so I am going to try my best to recall my thoughts on this book hahahaha. I can tell I am starting to get a little story fatigue with this series by now. They didn’t come out back to back but I am listening to them that way. The change in narrator really threw me too. She makes Ferye sound SUPER DRAMATIC and it’s SUPER ANNOYING. I also don’t like her voice for Rhys or Cassian. She seems very cartoonish with it. Overall, this continuation of the adventure is about what I expected. Poor Tamlin – can we give this guy a break? He has proven he’s not super evil – let us all remember Rhys’ dad killed a bunch of his family too. No one was a good person in that situation. He saved Feyre so there is heart in there for sure. Even after she definitely went out of her way to destroy the Spring Court – which I thought was unnecessary. What did the inhabitants of the Spring Court do to deserve that? You are going to fuck up the lives of other to get vengeance on one person? Not a very heroine thing to do Feyre….I have said it before and I will say it again – Love Lucien. Just do. He is nothing but himself and he has had a rough go. I respect that. I liked that he and Feyre got an adventure together – because he was gone the whole second half of the book. Lot of prep for war – lots of war. I liked the bone carver -sorry he died. He added intrigue. Nice insight in Moragon. Overall, I would like more from all of the other characters and a little less Feyre. No less Rhys lol

…just when you think you’re on the mend.

I thought I was getting better. I really did. And these last two afternoons I have been slammed back into extreme fatigue. I’m just completely wiped by the end of my work day. Not normal like oh king day tired kind of thing. Extremely, body and mind exhausted. Even writing this is kind of hard. I do want to document this hella long journey of long Covid though. It’s really hard sometimes. For anyone out there dealing with a lifelong chronic illness I am really sorry you deal with that every day. for anyone with long Covid almost a year later like me, I’m sorry for you too. I’m here if you want to commiserate.

…not wanting to seem wimpy and admitting when something is wrong.

My recent allergic reaction got me thinking about my need to be tough. Sometimes when you tell folks there is something wrong with you they play it down and go ‘oh that’s not bad.’ That was someones reaction to my puffy red face (not a medical professional). This type of reaction over a lifetime has trained me to play any injury or illness way down. I think to myself ‘Don’t bother telling them – they will think you are a wimp who is just whining for attention.’ When I do finally say I am not okay others are mad because I didn’t admit it earlier and did do something earlier. I walk this line a lot. Do I say something or just suck it up and wait for it to pass? Waiting for it pass and being tough is how I got a bad blood infection and felt like I was dying…because I kind of was. But I didn’t wan to get reprimanded for going to the doctor and being told oh it’s nothing – suck it up. As a woman, I hear this a lot more then I imagine men do. That’s another topic though. Does anyone else struggle with this? Fear of not being believed or being told ‘you’re wrong and you are perfectly healthy.’

…happened yesterday.

It was very mild. It was a reaction to dental medicine. I’ve never had one before and it was kind of similar to a bout of anxiety. I got a red swollen face, shakes, and whoozy. I’ve had dental work before…a lot of it. Never had a reaction. Convinced my dentist I was fine. Why all the sudden do I react to it? Weird. On Benadryl and hoping it’s a one time thing.

…like right now.

Y’all know my anxiety is next level. But I know it’s truly, truly bad when I just want it all to stop by most any means necessary. I want to stop being the person who screws up. I want to stop being the person who takes responsibility for mistakes that are and aren’t mine. I want to stop second guessing everything I do because when I do what I think others want I’m fucking wrong and an idiot. Being an empath with anxiety is horrible. How the hell do I get off this fucking roller coaster? Seriously. How. Do. I. Get. Off?! I gotta tell you, I’m not okay. I’m not okay with being on edge all the time and working so hard not to upset anyone and to fail miserably. I am not okay with carrying everyone’s upsetness and I’m certainly not okay making their upsetness all my fault (yep I made up a word. Had to). I am not okay being up right now sick because my inner voice is telling me I’m the fuck up yet again. I want to be the person that is so convinced they’re right that I just steam roll everyone else because it seems like a more peaceful existence. I am not okay with the repeating voice in my head in your voice calling out all my worst traits (real and made up). I want someone to hear me and see me when I’m drowning. I want to not think so little of myself that I won’t scream loud enough to let people know I’m drowning because I know they have their own shit going on and I don’t want to be a bother. someone once told me with great authority not to bother other people with my shut because they’re shit is more important and way heavier then my shit. I’m not okay being trivial to everyone including myself. Maybe that’s why I write this blog. To express myself without really bothering anyone else. Because I’m not worth the bother. One sentence someone said to me made it clear to this day that I’m not worth as much bother as others. I have carried that sentence that cemented a belief for so many years. I’ve structured my life around it. There are other sentences haunting my head. Some external some internal. Just want them to stop. All of them just stop. Gotta find a healthy way to stop them. To live in peace and not run to take all the blame and pretend like it doesn’t bother me. I constantly wonder if I’m the selfish horrible person they see. Taking on everyone else’s emotions is killing me. It’s making me mentally and physically ill. How much more can I absorb? I guess we’ll find out because even now I’d rather take on their emotions to lighten their loads. I still don’t want to be a drain or a bother. But will that ultimately lead to me being drained completely? Maybe. But the sad thing is, it’s still worth the trade to improve the lives of those around me. I’m broken. Clearly.

…and another lesson relearned this weekend.

I had one too many martinis on Saturday and was up most of the night puking. Didn’t help that I didn’t eat lol But I knew ordering that last drink it was one too many. But we were having so much fun that I did it anyway hahaha and paid the price. Just when you think I know and wont surpass my limits. My ab muscles still hurt from all the puking. It’s just funny these little lessons we learn again and again. Perhaps we make the mistake less frequently, but we will ever not make it at all? I dunno. Perfectly imperfect I suppose.

…I wish I could disappear. I say something or do something stupid that didn’t have bad intentions but come out so wrong. Or I made a mistake and believe it defines me in other peoples eyes. It’s all they can see because it’s all I can see. Goes along with wondering if your a bad person deep down at heart. I always wonder if I might be. Back into my self loathing I suppose for awhile.

…violent and horrific practices against animals.

Whether its the meat industry, animal testing, kill shelter practices or police violence against animals – I can’t shake it. I have seen some horrific photos and videos that literally haunt my brain and make me sick. I know this is their aim but all this is happening to animals our there. Animals that are so similar to me sweet baby pup. I have switched over to only cruelty free beauty products and reduced my meat intake but I need to do more. It’s not enough – it’s just not enough. I want to go full vegetarian but I am having a hard time totally giving up meat. I want to yell at people to adopt pets instead of spending a stupid amount of money purchasing a designer dog. There has to be better training for police departments on how to handle lose animals other then tazing/electrocuting/shooting them to death and making a perfectly nice animals last moments full of pain and fear and not understanding why this is being done to them. I am crying as I write this. There has to be another way. There just has to be. I know the animal testing for medical advancements is a touchy subject but honestly I’d rather die from a disease then have my life cost 200 animals lives. Maybe I am alone on that one but I am just speaking for me. Let’s test on rapists – what are they gonna say – no? (I stole that from a very wise tiktok). I just can’t abide it. I want to protect them all I really do.