Does Anyone Else Have Trouble…

…getting the hell out of your own way?

If you have anxiety then you know that you are definitely your own worst enemy most of the time. This is a lesson I learn over and over again. I cannot give external people such control over my emotions and mood. Even if how I feel is totally justified – that is giving these terrible people wayyyyy too much power. Then I cause destruction in my life based on them affecting how I feel that day. It’s complete bullshit because these folks aren’t worth it and they want that power. I want to be better and rise above and live my life as if they don’t exist. I strive for this daily but it’s really, really hard sometimes. Some days insecurities and old habits get the best of me. So if they get the best of you know you aren’t alone. I find comfort knowing I can regroup and do better tomorrow. Or at least not fuck shit up quite so badly. I don’t think I will ever completely master this skill, but I am trying. That’s all we can do right? Try harder? Just keep swimming y’all.

A Whole Bunch of Stuff Happened…

…since I last wrote but I can’t tell you about any of that.

It was a big two weeks that helped define my future. Unfortunately, I can’t write about it. I know I started this be a no holds bar tell all about my anxiety but this involves other people who haven’t agreed to the same policy so I will just tell you how it ended – with a fight and the best sex of my life (it was makeup sex don’t worry). It all ended in the reassurance of our commitment to each other and our life together and fucking mind blowing sex. 100% worth fighting for hahahaha Anywho – just wanted to let you all know I am still alive, stupid in love and excited for this upcoming chapter in my life.

Adventures in Therapy and Dental Work…

…and it’s costly nature.

Been a rough medical month. I got my 3rd ever root canal ever on Monday. Root canal wasn’t so bad – didn’t feel awesome but just a little painful. However my jaw locked open and I couldn’t shut it for like a minute. I know that sounds like a short amount of time but I COULDN’T CLOSE MY MOUTH. Completely freaked me out. Then it happened AGAIN and I couldn’t take it psychologically. For the first time EVER, I burst into tears at the dentist. It completely wasted me mentally. They wanted me to open my mouth to do a final x-ray and I had to take a minute to relax to get my mouth open even a little tiny bit. Then when it was over and I went to pay I started balling again. Felt like a giant baby but I was scared and that had never happened to me. I hope it never happens again. My dental insurance is maxed out for the year so I can’t go back anyway until January 2024. What the hell is up with my teeth?!

First therapy session was okay. Liked the therapist fine. Thick accent so super had to pay attention. The video was terrible so it turned into a call that also got dropped once. Liker her insight and therapy HW. We shall see if I can retrain my brain on my automatic thoughts and help my anxiety. The below photo refers to my savings account after all this.

First Day Back In Therapy…

…and I will let you know how it goes!

Before that though I wanted to tell you all a little bit about my decision to return to therapy. You were all with my on my first journey with therapy. I believe that you are never really done with therapy. Do you need it your whole life? No – breaks or necessary. But I can recognize when I need a tune up or I am dealing with a new emotional situation that I don’t have the proper tools for. And that has brought me back. I am trying Better Help – we will see how it goes. I am hoping well. I now have this lovely relationship which is pretty much everything I have ever wanted and I am anxious about losing it. And that is only going to ruin it for both of us. So going back to get tools to deal with this brand of anxiety. Isn’t anxiety fun y’all? I will let you know how it goes! And update you on my latest dental adventures – which were fucking terrible.

Getting Ahead of My Anxiety…

…and trying online therapy with BetterHelp.

I have been feeling a little more anxious lately. Maybe it’s the dental work. Maybe that’s just how anxiety goes – ebbs and flows. This time around with therapy I am going to get ahead of it though. I am not going to wait until I am freaking mess to start. I am feeling a little off balance with the anxiety lately and it’s time to re-balance. Maintenance therapy. I would also like to be the best partner to my BF I can be. Which means learning to deal with some of the drama his past brings. And I really need to learn to live with that better and not allow it to affect me as much. It’s not his current selfs fault and it’s all part of loving him and supporting him as much as I possibly can without letting my mama bear instincts kick in quite as much. It’s a strong and bold instinct in me. So I need to be the best emotion processing self I can be. I just think the whole world would be a better place if we all had mandatory therapy. You need to understand yourself to try to understand and accept and be there for others. So I am doing Better Help for awhile to get ahead of all that and not wait till I fuck up my personal life. Yay for personal growth! I can’t spend my life having anxiety every time his phone goes off. Or waiting for the next horrible piece of drama he is gonna tell me is happening. I need a better way to process all this. And this is the clearest way to gain it I think.

Coping Adaptations…

…Yes, I am calling them adaptations rather then mechanisms.

I have several copy adaptations or self soothing habits. On most days at work I calculate how much money I would have if I got fired this second. I have done this ever since my rough year at OI (the first one). I don’t know how soothing it is but it’s a coping adaption for sure. Am I really afraid of getting fired anymore – not really. But I still do it. I pick my clothes. Which sucks because I ruin them. I love my clothes. I don’t really know how or why it’s soothing but it is. I grind my teeth and tongue thrust. I can’t really control this one. I do it awake and asleep but I am not super conscience of doing it. I am sure I have more but those are what comes to mind right now. Anyone else have coping adaptations that seem out of the norm?

Put An Offering Out There…

…and got smooshed – when will I learn?

You all know I write this for myself and for anyone out there who needs to know they aren’t alone in anxiety or relationship issues or family issues or anything else I write about. I don’t lie or sugar coat what I put in here – it’s pretty much bare me. I offered for someone close to me to read it and see this piece of me (good, bad etc) and they said thanks but no thanks. I felt surprisingly crushed by it. I don’t offer a lot of my real self to people and I never expected this person wouldn’t want to know more about me. They treated my writings like something that should be ‘private’ aka something I should be ashamed of. Or at least it made me feel like it should be hidden in shame and that is just not my style. I am ashamed I felt that way for even a second and allowed this person to make me feel like that. Fuck that. I am damn proud I don’t hide my trauma or my happiness. Reading this blog is not a chore. I hope anyone who reads it gets something out of it. I really do. I can feel myself losing trust and faith in this person. I can feel myself backing away from them. They said ‘I will read it’ hmmmmmm No thank you. Off rescinded. If you are that scared to know me you don’t deserve to. I am writing from a place of hurt (not this person’s intention but yanno intent vs. impact is very real) so maybe down the road I will feel different? Unsure. But I do know this – be you who are, hurt and all and don’t apologize for it. Haters gonna hate. I am an anxiety ridden beautiful mess. A proud beautiful mess.

The Aftermath…

…of a late night anxiety spiral.

Had a small anxiety spiral last night – mostly about work. It wasn’t my worst by far but did prevent sleep until roughly 2:00 am. I usually write these posts in the middle of the spiral so you get an idea of what that spiral feels like. I realized I have never talked about the aftermath of an anxiety spiral. I am tired – my body and my mind. My body is tired from lack of sleep and the physical response to my anxiety. It’s draining. This is on top of always being tired from long COVID so it’s super extra special fun. I have had 3 cups of coffee and it isn’t helping. I will have to jack myself up on so much caffeine that I will need an alcoholic beverage when I get home to bring my system back down. But I have to make it through my work day so I don’t really see any other choice to work and get a decent amount of work done. So I will continue to live my life in legal chemicals. And hope my body holds out. I know my anxiety will never ‘go away’ but I am coming up on a year since I got COVID. This long COVID hell has to end soon right?

Audible with Andrea…

…Radical Love by Zachary Levi

I have had a crush on Zachary Levi for some time (rooting for Benjamin on Marvelous Mrs. Maisel). So when I saw he had come on Jameela Jamil’s podcast I weigh, I naturally hit play super fast. He was on to talk about his new book, Radical Love and his journey and experiences with struggling mental health. I am all about being open about my struggles with anxiety and really enjoyed his take on the podcast. I also really enjoy his voice (hello Flynn Ryder), so that never hurts. Luckily for me he narrated his book for audible. A lot of what he had to say resonated with me (outside of religion – not my bag). Especially the recurring theme of you can’t love anyone else until you love yourself, understand yourself. We should be open and honest and talking about all this. He sets a great precedent in being so open. While he does talk about the people in his life (parents, exes etc) he does it respectfully. There is no other way to tell his story then to include them. He does try to see their experiences through the lenses of their traumas. It’s not a tell all fashion because that isn’t his goal. I respected that a lot. I totally recommend. We are all moving through life, wading through our inherited generational trauma doing the best we can. We aren’t alone. And if I am going to be anyone’s company, I will always chose this handsome fellow.

The End of August Has Arrived…

…and all my mind hears is “This is Halloween This is Halloween!”

Although the current heat wave is making it a little harder. Although I grew up in Phoenix, AZ so it was never real cold on Halloween or anytime surrounding Halloween. I can’t wait to decorate the apartment and go shopping for Fall items! OMG it’s going to be awesome. As a desert dweller I am taught to fear and hate Summer. I don’t mind admitting I am the Basic Witch who loves all things Fall and especially Halloween!

I woke up again with anxiety over work and worrying I am dropping the ball and doing a bad job. It wasn’t as bad as the previous night but enough to make me tired today. Anxiety doesn’t just poof go away when you figure it out – it continues to flow through your body for awhile. Or at least it does for me. It flows in blood for awhile making all my cells buzz a little with it. That is the best way I can think to describe it. I hope it doesn’t happen again tonight. It is becoming a problem.