…and all my mind hears is “This is Halloween This is Halloween!”
Although the current heat wave is making it a little harder. Although I grew up in Phoenix, AZ so it was never real cold on Halloween or anytime surrounding Halloween. I can’t wait to decorate the apartment and go shopping for Fall items! OMG it’s going to be awesome. As a desert dweller I am taught to fear and hate Summer. I don’t mind admitting I am the Basic Witch who loves all things Fall and especially Halloween!
I woke up again with anxiety over work and worrying I am dropping the ball and doing a bad job. It wasn’t as bad as the previous night but enough to make me tired today. Anxiety doesn’t just poof go away when you figure it out – it continues to flow through your body for awhile. Or at least it does for me. It flows in blood for awhile making all my cells buzz a little with it. That is the best way I can think to describe it. I hope it doesn’t happen again tonight. It is becoming a problem.
It was one of the worst I’ve had in awhile. I was drifting off to sleep when it hit. I was groggy so wasn’t even sure what it was about at first. Which was almost as disorienting as the anxiety. Another case of anxiety about anxiety. I did finally figure out what it was about which helped a little. Aired for the wave to recede a bit and went to sleep. Woke up feeling a lot better but wowza that was a bad wave. Maybe it’s because I switched my birth control patch for a fresh one? Maybe it was just built up. Unsure but I wrote a whopper of an opinion article about how birth control messes ya up. You’ll get to read it soon hahaha here’s hoping that was my last wave for a bit.
Even if I feel it’s a small failure I can’t help but dwell until my anxiety has convinced me I’m failing someone or everyone. I’m way more worried about failing others then myself. Because failing those I love is failing myself. And around we go in the anxiety spiral. If you know it then you know exactly what I’m talking about. If you don’t know then you are very fortunate and I envy you. Truly I envy you. When I really think about it it’s really self indulgent. I wind up convincing myself I’ve failed everyone and I go apologize and they end up comforting me. Which is inherently selfish really. I want them to tell me I haven’t failed them to reassure me. When it all stemmed from me failing them. So by this point I have failed them twice. Being my friend must be exhausting. I’m serious if you’re my friend I apologize for my crazy and thanks for loving me anyway. I love you all endlessly and I don’t mean to be a nutter. Bless you if you made it through this whole entry and aren’t lost and didn’t give up.
It’s a tough combination. You’re tired mentally and physically. You lay down and are excited to rest. That when the anxiety picks a topic and then kicks you into emotional turmoil, even in your exhaustion. Scenarios run through your mind until you’ve come up with every bad outcome. All you want it sleep. It’s about work. Usually is. About all the ways I fail. It would be so nice to have some positive attributes of myself mixed in for momentary relief. But that’s now how it works is it? Those thoughts telling you how bad you suck become the only thing ringing in your brain. Then you start counting the hours of how long you can sleep. The hours start slipping through your fingers, another casualty of anxiety. You know you’ll wake up just as exhausted (after you finally fall asleep). But you’ll slap on a smile (after lots of caffeine) and pretend it’s all okay. Put on that mask for another day so no one else knows how you spent another sleepless night worrying. Another night taken by anxiety. But you’ll hide it and make it through another day and wait for the next round with anxiety. You know it’s coming. You just hope it takes its time and gives you some rest. Some rest would be so nice and is needed.
Anxiety of any kind isn’t great and right now mines sitting in my chest. It’s making me short of breathe and I can feel it tingling beneath my skin. So many reasons for the anxiety right now that I can’t boil it down to just one for you. I do know the person who could help and be my white knight chooses not too. It would be hard to and put them out of their comfort zone and they pretty much live in their comfort zone. That’s not to say that’s a bad thing it just might not suit my life. Then I remembered I don’t need a f*cking white knight. I know how to ride a horse. Just need the chest settled anxiety to pass. It’s been a rough couple of days. Anxiety enduring to say the least.
I try to write about anxiety as it’s happening for a few reasons. 1) makes me feel better to put it somewhere aside from my body 2) people without anxiety can read it and have a small idea of the true effects 3) so people experiencing anxiety know they aren’t alone or weird. I feel you. I’m here for you.
Fuck. It’s the only word that I currently have to describe 1) getting Covid 2) the timing
I have been planning a volunteer appreciation dinner for months and it’s today. I tested positive for Covid last night. Damnit. I have just dumped a huge amount of work and huge event on my coworkers. This is the first big event I am in charge of and first big piece of work out new CEO was going to see from me. And now I won’t even be there. I swear sitting here not being able to help is the worst amount of stress I’ve had at my job in awhile. Not to mention I may have unknowingly exposed some of my coworkers. Craptastic. I think I am through the worst of my symptoms (thank god I’m boosted) but I’m still achey and it’s sitting in my chest. I have a pretty decent cough. Could be a lot worse tho so I’m thankful it’s not. But the guilt I have over missing this event is astronomical. I feel soooo bad about that. So if any of you are reading this post, I’m so sorry!
Why is that? Everything is great then BAM – the anxiety about a totally unrelated topic creeps back in. Sometimes I wonder if my subconscious just doesn’t think I deserve to be happy for too long. Maybe it thinks it’s protecting me? I don’t know. But it sucks. It wasn’t a real bad bout of anxiety but it was enough to drag me right out of my awesome mood. It is really stupid and there is seemingly no stopping it. After therapy it’s easier to quell it but impossible to stop in it’s tracks. It seems impossible to have it not creep in and tell you something bad is happening or is about to happen. It’s the whisper in the back of your mind that can escalate into a scream. Luckily this one was only a nagging beep and not a full on scream into a panic attack. So I must be getting a little better at dealing with it. That is positive. Anxiety is just a part of me – probably always will be. I am learning to accept and live with it as best I can. Sometimes I worry about those around me who don’t understand it because they only see it from the outside. I am sure it looks a little cooky to them. But it’s a part of me – a part of loving me for me. Just is.
I like Sebastian Stan. I read the description which said it was a dark comedy about modern day dating. It looked dark but I didn’t think it was gonna be that dark. Why is this movie trying to ruin Sebastian Stan for me? And weirdly he was still pretty charming in it. it’s called Fresh. I am telling you so you know what to avoid.
I don’t watch scary movies because things tend to stick with me. If I had know it was a true horror movie, I would have skipped it. Now I’m freaked out!
I am reminded of the thing I saw about people with anxiety rewatching the same shows over and over because we know what’s going to happen. It’s so true. I am now anxious and switching to the shows I know that don’t give me anxiety.
I really hope this horror movie doesn’t stick in my brain forever. The house of wax stupid horror movie with Paris Hilton still sticks with me. It wasn’t even a good horror movie. It’s the part where Jared Padalecki got waxed over but was still alive because you saw his eyes move but he was a wax guy now so he’d just die slowly of starvation or dehydration or whatever. That was over 20 years ago!
I am planning a large dinner for my volunteers on less time then I would like. Is that sorta my fault. Probably. It was also just kind of how to it worked out. But today I just feel like I wont make it. Like it will suck or there will be something huge that goes wrong or everyone will hate it or something like that. If you have anxiety you know if can turn any direction at any point. If you try to logic on point, your anxiety sprouts three more. It knows no rhyme or reason. Today was just a breaking point for me for some reason. I can’t even explain it. My anxiety is just taking over at the moment. That is why I am writing about it. I really try to write about it in the moment so you all know you aren’t alone out there with whatever you are feeling and dealing (with). Someone out there gets it – you may have to search for them, but I am guess you really don’t have to look that far. I know I am not doomed to fail. I will get up again tomorrow and hit it hard. I will get it done and it will be my best. The rest is out of my control. Anxiety is something I live with and I make it live with me. I recognize it but generally don’t let it define me. Sometimes it spirals but just steer into that skid and breathe. It will stop.
We have talked about my physical signs of anxiety. Today it feels like my cells are all mildly vibrating. That really is the best way I can think to describe it. I don’t even know what I feel anxious about right now?! Fine one minute – mild vibrating cells the next. I always have a mild level of worry about certain things (I.E. am I doing a good job at work? etc) and maybe it is all that just manifesting. Maybe it’s the new Combat Cravings pill I took because my insecurities are getting the best of me about my weight. I have never taken it before so that could be it. I want to make Jameela Jamil proud but I just don’t wanna be fat either. It’s a toss up really. Who knows. Either way, it’s annoying.