Really Fucking Weird…

…talking to someone everyday for 3.5 years then not at all.

Being single again still feels a bit surreal. I know it’s for the best (particularly for him because I can’t give him what he wants) but it’s still really weird. I talked to this person everyday for 3.5 years. They were in my life in a big way, and now they are just gone. It’s a peculiar feeling that’s for sure. I reach for my phone every time something funny happens he’d appreciate. Then I remember I can’t reach out and tell him about whatever it is. And the empty feeling is so unfamiliar and odd. It’s not necessarily painful. I would call it hollow. If that makes any sense to you all. There is a just a hole in my life where he used to be. It will fill. I know it will over time. It’s just weird for now. One day it wont feel like a hole, one day I wont want to tell him the funny things that happen. I have done this song and dance before, but I really didn’t think I would be here again after I met him. But here we are. Life is weird – doesn’t work out how you see it in your mind. That is probably for the best. He will find someone better suited for his needs. I will go back to being me. Maybe I will find someone who likes me for me – maybe not. But it will be okay either way.

Negative Days Are Hard…

…to pull yourself out of.

I had a few things to write about that are all different yet connected.

Let’s start with work. I went into nonprofits because I wanted to do something good, do work I care about, and be cared about where I work. As I understood it, that was a perk of going the nonprofit route and it helped with the ‘gonna be poor’ part (no one goes into nonprofits for the money). I had that for a few years and it was great. I loved it – even the shit days with people who yelled and made me feel less then. It was okay, because then I would teach a kid something or my volunteers would be their awesome selves. Since COVID I understand that even nonprofits have to survive during these tough times – I just didn’t know it would be at the expense of most of it’s employees. But since I am writing this I suppose I am feeling it’s a lot at the expense of me. I didn’t realize that I was quite so disposable and forgettable. I guess that’s on me for being naive and kinda dumb. My bad. I am great at what I do and I know it. I think it’s time to start over at another place with a new mission to support that might need my skill set and contributions.

I am not married. I am in a relationship. He doesn’t want to move forward and is happy staying exactly where we are. I am not. But since I am the one who wants more I have the choice to leave the relationship or move only at his speed, because he wants to go slower. I read some stuff about it on the internet and it said that rushing someone will only get you dumped. But does that mean my timeline doesn’t matter? It’s not that I don’t want to respect his wants, I just want the same consideration. I don’t know what to do. I am hoping it will come to me.

Ideal world. My dude want to get engaged and combine our lives. I’d be good with a long engagement. I help him where he needs it and he helps me where I need it. It might also give me some opportunities to go back to teaching at nonprofits and managing when I work up to it. I love the problem solving in management but I miss teaching daily. I could contribute more to our lives together and moving my work happiness forward. Dare to dream I suppose eh?

Do You Ever Wonder How Your Exes Are…

…I do.

Today, I got to thinking what my major ex boyfriends are up to these days. At first I thought it was an odd stray whim, but then I thought a little deeper. I spent a year plus of my life with each of these people. I got to know them pretty well in the phase they were in in their lives at the time and they knew me. We had sex. I know that isn’t a huge deal but when I think about being intimate with someone and then a few years later having no clue what their life is like is kind of crazy.

*this is of my own doing. Once I am done with a man I don’t really want to sit around and watch him move on. But after time passes and disappointment fades – I would like to know what they are up to and if they are happy.

My first love and I have a few people in common so I have a good pulse that he is very happy and healthy. The others just sort of faded into the background of my life. I just find it so weird. Does anyone else wonder where their exes are now and if they are setting their own p(e)ace too? Do they wonder how I am?