I’ve Never Dreamed of a Wedding…

…but I have a very clear picture of what my wedding will look like should I marry my dude.

Is that weird? I just do. I know we will either be on a trip or plan a trip for it and get married in a random beautiful spot. I don’t know if that will be a garden, a museum, or a mountain top (we could get married in workout clothes). I know that my roommate will come and actually marry us. If we aren’t in a workout clothes situation then I will wear a pink dress and he will either be in his suit, which he looks very nice in, or a cute button up and jeans. I could see us doing the matching chucks thing. I hate when my feet hurt because of me shoes. Then, we will go for a really nice meal. We will have a party when we get back but that’s mostly for everyone else and to get presents (just being honest). I know somehow that is what it will look like. I am not opposed to a wedding wedding but it just doesn’t seem like our style. Also, I don’t want anyone having be a toilet paper bride on my account. So if I ever get engaged you be invited to a brunch where all games will be banned as a shower. It’s just very clear in my mind. Don’t know why.

I wrote this the same day I wrote my last post. Clearly I love him and see my life with him, I just hope we aren’t too fundamentally different to make it happen.

Negative Days Are Hard…

…to pull yourself out of.

I had a few things to write about that are all different yet connected.

Let’s start with work. I went into nonprofits because I wanted to do something good, do work I care about, and be cared about where I work. As I understood it, that was a perk of going the nonprofit route and it helped with the ‘gonna be poor’ part (no one goes into nonprofits for the money). I had that for a few years and it was great. I loved it – even the shit days with people who yelled and made me feel less then. It was okay, because then I would teach a kid something or my volunteers would be their awesome selves. Since COVID I understand that even nonprofits have to survive during these tough times – I just didn’t know it would be at the expense of most of it’s employees. But since I am writing this I suppose I am feeling it’s a lot at the expense of me. I didn’t realize that I was quite so disposable and forgettable. I guess that’s on me for being naive and kinda dumb. My bad. I am great at what I do and I know it. I think it’s time to start over at another place with a new mission to support that might need my skill set and contributions.

I am not married. I am in a relationship. He doesn’t want to move forward and is happy staying exactly where we are. I am not. But since I am the one who wants more I have the choice to leave the relationship or move only at his speed, because he wants to go slower. I read some stuff about it on the internet and it said that rushing someone will only get you dumped. But does that mean my timeline doesn’t matter? It’s not that I don’t want to respect his wants, I just want the same consideration. I don’t know what to do. I am hoping it will come to me.

Ideal world. My dude want to get engaged and combine our lives. I’d be good with a long engagement. I help him where he needs it and he helps me where I need it. It might also give me some opportunities to go back to teaching at nonprofits and managing when I work up to it. I love the problem solving in management but I miss teaching daily. I could contribute more to our lives together and moving my work happiness forward. Dare to dream I suppose eh?