You Think I’d Be Used to People Being Upset…

…with me all the time and apologizing for things that aren’t really my fault, but I am not.

I manage volunteers at a nonprofit which means I am constantly apologizing to EVERYONE for things that aren’t my fault. I apologize to volunteers, to visitors, to staff and to random people all day long. Most days I don’t really mind and it’s something I am used to. Other days I just can’t apologize for things out of my control anymore. I am NOT sorry I can’t predict the rain and that todays rain didn’t follow the typical pattern of San Diego rain. I wasn’t even in my office and someone was in my face, pissed off, looking for an apology for something that is out of my control. I just can’t – can’t. I work at a nonprofit and make shit money to be treated like poop by just about everyone. I can’t be your scapegoat today – try again tomorrow. I can’t apologize for the weather which is not in my control weirdly. I just wont. Look to someone else to vent your rage at today – if rain is your biggest issue it’s a pretty good day. I can’t apologize to one more person for something I didn’t do today and today has only just started. I half joke but mostly serious that I am professional apologizer – and I am. You think I’d be used to being the person that everyone is constantly angry at, well I am not. Maybe that is why I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in a week. I have had anxious sleep because I am constantly worried about who is mad at me today. I have a had quite a few folks in my life take advantage of that too. Maybe they just liked my worry and my constant apologies (assuming everything is my fault). Maybe it made them feel powerful or important, I don’t know. I do hope my torment was worth it for them though. I have since dismissed these people from my life. But in my work life I will just keep apologizing for everything I guess so I can pay bills and eat. But I can just barely do those things on my salary. I went into nonprofits to make the world a little better, but do I? Really – I don’t think I do. I guess I make the lives of those I constantly apologize to a bit better – but do they deserve it? Are their tiny feelings of power worth my emotional destruction? Just not sure anymore.

Audible with Andrea…

…Halloween Edition

The Golden Enclaves by Naomi Novik

I couldn’t wait for the third and final installment in this series. I pre ordered it months ago. I loved the first two. It’s not that I didn’t like this one, I did. It just felt like it was reaching too far and trying to hard to tie everything together and wrap the stories up. Poor El was here and there and everywhere with people pulling at her in all directions. I also thought that Orion being part Mormouth was an easy and obvious out. I do like that every finally banded together to save him for once. Of course he forgave his mom because that’s Orion’s character. I thought that bit was true to him. Although he could used a little of El’s rage before he did. Pairing up with Leisl was unexpected but welcome – El needed some logic to balance her emotion. It took my while to listen through this one. I wish it was as compelling as the first two – it just wasn’t. Maybe my expectations were too high? It all just seemed a bit obvious. Overall still love the series though.

The School of Good and Evil Was…

…AWESOME!

Seriously – it has been awhile since I liked a movie this much. I thought it was fun, deep and cool to watch. I even went so far as to write down a quote from it I thought was especially striking. “Only the best evil can disguise itself as good” and it just hit me so hard that that is SOOO freaking true. It took fairy tales to a dark but relatable place. I think I would do better int he school for evil – at least it’s honest. “Good has become vain” so true too. The message that the world isn’t black and white or good a evil is a great lesson. Everyone is just human and we have a little bit of both. I love that the ‘beauty’ teacher was like “I used to teach magical history – you think I like teaching people how to smile?!” It was just so clever. Two thumbs up from this witch. Can’t wait for the sequel which is very obviously coming. Go watch it on Netflix.

On A Long Plane Ride…

…after a fun but too fast adventure.

I really need to start making my trips longer. The long travel within a couple of days is taxing and I’m not as young as I used to be. I’m about 1.5 hours into this 7.5 hour total trip on two planes. It’s just a lot. At least I get my time back. Excited to snuggle my dog. We did universal Florida and we crammed a ton in. Hogwarts, Jurassic Park, diagon alley, knockturn alley and to top it all off we did Disney Springs on our last night. I wanted stuffed Binx but it was too big for my carry on lol. I like to send people postcards and after this trip I’ve decided I must be old fashioned because they were hard to find. Universal had a pack that was generic and boring but that was the only option. In two parks?! There was also no postcards at Disney Springs. I had to buy them at the airport. Oh well. Anywho. That’s my update from the plane.

I Am A Hot Mess…

….right now.

Between long COVID, holidays, work ramping up with Fall volunteer events and my personal life – I feel like I just need an overall break. Holy crap. I have hit my limit. I am taking it day by day and surviving day by day. Task by task. It’s the only way right now. It just is. Does anyone have a recommendation for a good supplement to help my energy in the afternoon? I am WIPED by 3:00 pm (screw you long COVID) and am taking suggestions. My job can be very physical and I need help. Let me know!

Relearning the Same Lessons…

…over and over again.

Today’s lesson to relearn is not to trust everyone – especially at work. A coworker asked about one of my volunteers because he was considering them for another volunteer role. Said she is awesome but usually late, which wont work in this particular role. Just got an email in which what I said (only to this coworker) was quoted back to me by the volunteer. Come on man. In future I know now not to offer advice or opinions. I really like this volunteer that was just a statement of fact and is now viewed as an insult. WTF was this person thinking repeating verbatim what I said as advice. Is it intentional sabotage or just an inability to think it through? Does he hate me that much? What did I do? Now I have a volunteer I like upset with me because this coworker wants to make me look bad? I don’t know but I really thought High School was over….guess I was wrong and all of adult life must be High School. So don’t tell high schoolers it will get better because apparently it doesn’t and people are still playing mean girl games. Maybe it was unintentional and this coworker just wasn’t thinking but damn dude – lesson learned again. Always be on guard and keep my mouth shut. Let people learn for themselves.

Normal – Shooting for Normal…

…rather then fatigued and achy.

I just want to feel normal for at least 51% of the day again. That would be spectacular. Please. Went to urgent care yesterday due to a lightning pain in my ear/back of skull. Not an an ear infection so I got a shrug and a good luck with that. AWESOME. Still happening today so I am taking 4 ibuprofen every 3.5 hours. I have to keep working because if I called out sick when I felt sick since I had COVID I wouldn’t have a job right now. And I need a job to you know pay rent and eat. Getting harder to fake it though. I feel like I rest all weekend to slowly drain and die out over the week. By Friday I am a big pile of mess. I just want to feel okay for awhile. This is the longest stretch of long covid symptoms I have had (comes and goes in waves) and I just want to be functional and fake functional. Oh well. Time to power through another minute, then hour then day. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I really need to be better by Friday because I am going on a trip come hell or high water. I fake it through work I can convince myself I am fine for something fun.

Because Long Covid Wasn’t Enough…

…my back muscles completely seized up yesterday.

I had an achey back when I went to bed on Saturday night. Normal with the long COVID. I woke up Sunday morning mostly unable to move. My lower half was fine but had to move my upper half as one unit and very slowly. My whole upper back/neck area had completely seized. It felt (feels) like a metal rod had been shoved down my spine and along scapula’s. 3 IB Profen didn’t put a dent in it. Didn’t even take the edge off. It’s a little better today but still hurts quite a bit. Did get some of my mobility back. This has happened to me before. It’s usually stress an constant tightening of my muscles. Been awhile since it’s been this bad – like over a decade. Or maybe I am just old now and need to accept that fate hahahaha Either way I am going to sit under a hot shower for a minute then lay on my heating pad all night. Later!

Anxiety Increases Chances of Long COVID…

…yep that checks out.

I saw an article today about the link between anxiety and long COVID and how having anxiety increases your chances of getting long COVID. Well at least that makes sense – in my case anyway. I suppose it’s better then them just shrugging and saying who knows. Add that to the list of problems with having anxiety. I put on the many articles about it below for you to read if you like. I ate a salad (one I have had before and know I enjoy) and it tasted like sour dirt. Seriously I could name the taste to a T. Have I eaten dirt before? Not on purpose but I would swear to you that is exactly what it tasted like. The psychological game of Russian roulette on what is going to taste okay and what will be awful (it changes all the time) is starting to get to me. I think my long COVID is kind of mild so I can’t imagine those that have it worse. It messes with your head man. I am telling you. I am absolutely spent by 3:00 pm. Exhausted, can’t think and feel mostly sick – although the sick symptoms change. Yesterday it was naseau and headache – the day before that muscle aches and fatigue. I really hope it ends soon. If I get COVID again will wipe away the long COVID. I will make that bargain if someone can prove it’s the case. This shit is horrible. For anyone who has been suffering with a chronic illness for most of their lives – I have no idea how you do it and deserve an award.

https://www.nbcnews.com/health/health-news/stress-anxiety-depression-may-increase-long-covid-risk-study-rcna46449