Appointment Days…

…always make me a little nervous.

I have an OBGYN appointment today and I am excited to hear potato chips little heart beat. It’s funny we call him that because I LOVE potato chips but not since I have been pregnant. I have a few and I am good. It’s weird. Anyway – I always get a little nervous on appointment days. Like what if something bad happens? And I know it’s not great to have those intrusive thoughts but I do. Anyone else out there have them too? I always feel instantly better when I hear that little whomp whomp whomp sound of his heart. It’s soothing. They are easy appointments. Go, pee in a cup, answer a few basic questions, check the heart beat and leave. We are running several other errands today including some name change stuff. So many places to change my name lol I am trying to knock them out 1-2 at a time per week before the baby comes. I am sure I am forgetting some of them still.

How Long Should You Just Take It…

…before you don’t.

How long do you take being someone’s scapegoat and nearest target for any negative emotion they have? I have been doing it since my early 20’s and it’s starting to grate on me. Okay, not starting, but I am starting to try to set some healthy boundaries to protect myself just a little. I previously took it because it made this person feel better it seemed. It brought them comfort. I was hoping it wouldn’t become a habit once she passed this tough time in her life. It is less frequent, but a side effect is she isn’t my safe space or comfort to land with. I am always a little (or a lot) on guard, watching what I say because any slip up could bring on the wrath. I am not saying I am blameless or perfect in this situation. I definitely could have reacted better in some of the instances. I could probably try to be more understanding now. I have a lot of faults – it’s just hard to have every single one pointed out to you constantly. I get called selfish and ungrateful – which I don’t think I am. My fond memories are tainted and punctuated with moments of verbal abuse. I believed I was all the horrible things this person would lay at my feet for a really long time because why wouldn’t I believe her? No matter how many times I apologized it wasn’t enough though or was called insincere (to be fair it probably was a few times because I just wanted it to stop). I spent my whole adult life apologizing and graveling to this person to keep them happy and I am just kind of tired of it. It’s exhausting and now that I don’t believe I am all the horrible things this person says I am (after many years of horrible self esteem), it’s just plain mean. It isn’t entirely this person expressing their feelings or at least expressing them in a very unhealthy manner. It’s dragging me down to pull themselves up. It’s not okay anymore.

Being Pregnant…

…my experience so far.

Being pregnant so far has been pretty typical I think. I am now out of my first trimester. Had a lot of fatigue during the first trimester. It has carried over a bit but not as bad. Had some nausea but not as much as I was afraid I would have. Threw up a few times. Some of that was a mix of nausea and coughing from the viral plague. the coughing triggered the puke reflex and there was no stopping it. I have had what I think are fluttering but might be ligament pain stretching – or both. I have never done this before. Definitely had some ligament pain stretching lately. It feels like small stabs in my lower abdomen. Most of my pants don’t fit, so I got a pants extender. It comes with a faux tank top to cover your wide open zipper. It’s ok but my pants fall down a bit and fairly easily. I had been in mostly my yoga pants but those are getting tight too. Trying to save a bit and extend wearing my clothes before I have to invest in maternity wear. Not the richest of girls here. It’s more difficult to use the restroom with the added layers. Speaking of the restroom – I have to pee all the time. I mostly don’t mind but it’s a little annoying getting up from sleep so much to pee. It was particularly hard last night with where Marty placed himself on my edge of the bed. Had to hop over him to get in and out of the bed. He’s to cute to move and disturb lol. That may change as I get bigger. The pregnancy pillow is great. Has made sleep cozier. So far that is my report on pregnancy. Oh and acne – so much acne everywhere. Also – my gums are bleeding like a murder scene every time I brush or floss. So bad.

Another Viral Plague…

…while being pregnant.

I was pretty sick at the start of this pregnancy, although I didn’t know I was pregnant yet. I just got over (mostly) a bout with a 2 week respiratory virus. Two straight weeks of zero relief or healing. It was horrible. They tested me for RSV and a bunch of stuff and it was all negative. Who knows what it was outside of horrible. Maybe it takes longer to heal when pregnant? It also sucks that the pharmaceutical options you can take are extremely limited. The thing I miss most? IB profen – seriously – more then alcohol. Actually giving up alcohol hasn’t been all that difficult. I feel ok now which is great. I dreamed of feeling kind of ok for two weeks. Hopefully I feel good sometime soon. Anywho – I am 14 weeks today! WOOOO. Grow little boy grow. My clothes are starting to get too tight. Husband swears I am showing. I have always hated and had a distorted view of my stomach so hard for me to say. I love my body but me and stomach have always had issues, both looks wise and digestively. I am back on my red powerade kick. Still crave Rice Krispies. Had my craving a of a corn dog last night which was amazing (it was super well cooked and I had a salad to balance it out – don’t judge me lol). I am really, really hoping this is my last illness for this pregnancy. I can’t take another viral plague.

Baby Boy…

…is on his way and due July 2024!

So to top off my life changing year I am pregnant too! To clarify (not that is matters) I was not pregnant at the wedding. I was pregnant shortly after. We just decided to not not try and see how it went. It went well and happened pretty quickly. I am now 13 weeks along with a little boy to be named Everett. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I hope I am good at this and don’t mess this kid up. I have a great partner though who is already a great father to a great kid so I am optimistic. I haven’t had a ton of morning sickness but definitely puked a few times. I can’t get enough rice krispies atm or fruit and peanut butter. Who knows? I feel like I am just starting to show (hubby says I am). I have had 2 ultrasounds so far and got to hear his heart beat and see how he’s coming along. He was super cooperative for one and just wanted to flash his butt for the other. Must be listening to his cousin on the butt jokes. More to come!

12.31.23

a date that wont happen for a long time.

Thinking about today’s date, not only that it’s NYE, but today’s actual date. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. I have had so many once in a lifetime things happen this year. I fell in a mutual and respectful love. Never thought I would get that. Always thought I would constantly be the one sacrificing to make a relationship work. But turns out that isn’t the case. There can be a mutual love. Is it always a 50/50 split – no. That’s unrealistic. Sometimes he needs more sometimes I need more. But we both understand that and are happy to support the other when needed. I am getting a new niece which is amazing. Adding her to my list of wonderful kids in my life is a pure gift. Especially since I get to sniff her newborn smell in about a month. That smell is awesome! I got proposed to and for the first time in my whole life my name is no longer Smith. I got my first tattoo in 15 years then my third. I continue to have the greatest dog on the planet who is the best (most of the time) and I couldn’t possibly live without. Visited Salem, MA for the first time. That was amazing. There were some rough points too but I am really happy and lucky to arrive at this cool date and the end of the year pretty darn happy with myself and my life. I hope I make others lives just has happy. Or help to anyway lol Love you all!

Happy Winter Solstice…

…it’s the shortest day of the year.

WOW what a difference a year makes. If you had told me a year ago that I would be married by this time next year, I would have thought you were crazy. Other updates too but more on that later. I had pretty much given up hope that love was for me and turns out it just took awhile to find. It’s the shortest day of the year and almost Christmas. The best part of the year is almost over which is sad but I will be spending Christmas with my family and new husband which is great. So I hope you find the light in the darkest day of the year. Happy Winter Solstice everyone.

I Got Married…

…the most wonderful man.

Sorry it’s been awhile – soooo much happening. I can’t cover it all here yet, but for now let’s talk about my wedding. I got proposed to on a Wednesday evening and married on Thursday morning. It was absolutely what I wanted it to be. Just me, him and my brother as a witness. Small and all about us. We had a professional photographer and I got my hair and makeup done. We got the outdoor ceremony area at the San Diego Courthouse and it was so lovely. We took photos at Balboa Park then had a fun day smoking cigars and having beverages. Our rings are PERFECT and I love mine sooo much. Being married feels pretty much like dating hahahha People keep asking how it feels to be married and that is always my answer. I am so happy I waited until I found someone 100% worth marrying and knew I was 100% worth marrying. There was no doubt, no questioning just love and happiness. It was perfect.

It’s the Best Day of the Year…

…Happy Halloween!

You all know by now that Halloween is my favorite season and holiday. My place is hella decorated and awesome. I have two costumes for work today and another for trick or treaters. Last night we watched Hocus Pocus and ate mummy dogs and had a ton of fun. It’s a whole day/season based on candy and getting to be anything you want for a day, real or fictional. While I love buying folks gifts, I am glad this is a holiday where it isn’t required. It isn’t a holiday with inherent implications (i.e. Thanksgiving to be grateful, 4th of July to be patriotic), it’s to be whatever you wish to be – anything. It’s one of my favorite ways to express myself and I hope you get too as well. Have a nerdy obsession? Let that freak flag fly baby! Show it in a costume! A dessert! Any way you want. It was always the one day it was acceptable to be as weird and quirky as I was as a kid and continue to be now. I love it -always will 😀

Audible with Andrea…

…Fourth Wing By Rebecca Yarros.

SPOILER ALERT – if you haven’t read or listened to the book skip this post

Truly enjoyed this one. I love a good fantasy novel and this definitely qualifies. Loved the setting of Dragon riders and adventure. The Heroine is your unlikely lady who gets tossed into a destiny she didn’t plan on but takes to like a fish to water. There is a love triangle but not drug at as is typical in these fantasy novels. She figures out early on who she wants and wants real bad and who is just a friend. It’s a good lesson in sometimes what we think we want isn’t. I enjoyed the friendship built as well as the romance. Loved the twist at the end and sets up the next book well. Also, Andarna – how can you not love her? She’s the best. Their stories are also a nice parallel. I feel like her Mom will play a bigger role in the coming book – also I have a theory her father definitely didn’t die of natural causes.