This would be the title of my autobiography if I were to write one now.
Most of my professional career (and my menial jobs) have required me to own at least one pair of khakis that I wear on a regular basis (usually with a polo). I was thinking about this the other day as I got my uniform for my new (and totally awesome) job as an interpreter (information not language). We all dislike khakis, it’s true. But they look professional and at this point I feel professional in them. As far as professional wear goes khakis and a polo isn’t the most uncomfortable thing to wear (or the most flattering). Then I got to thinking, who chooses to wear khakis in real life? Why not jeans or some material that breathes and is actually flattering to anyone? Also they get dirty so freakin easily. Accidental run into something? ALL OVER YOUR KHAKIS! Spill and tiny amount of food or drink? ALL OVER YOUR KHAKIS! Sit wrong in your khakis? WRINKLE CITY! I was just thinking how silly it is and wondering who started this practice?
Maybe it was Phyllis Neffler in Troop Beverly Hills! (if you haven’t seen it, go do that now…it’s awesome).
I have always hated spending my limited money on khakis too. They are expensive! This is the first job that provided my full uniform which was great! Even face masks. They are on the ball and I am loving it. I am basking in it really, uniforms and beyond.
My new part time job has shifts that start at 5:45 am which is early, but not the end of the world. I live an hour away (without traffic – which shouldn’t be a problem that early). My first one of these shifts is tomorrow aka daylight savings time…where we lose an hour…cool. Individually all of these things are fine (except the stupid time change). Together they suuuuuuuck. This is going to be rough. I will be lucky to get 4-5 hours of sleep. Whose going to sleep at 9:00 pm?! This woman! More accurately, I am going to lay in bed at 9:00 pm and hopefully fall asleep by 10:00 pm and get up at 3:45 am. Which would be 5 hours and 45 minutes, not ideal but enough sleep, BUT BAM stupid daylight savings and now it’s under 5 hours of sleep. DANG YOU DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME!!!!!!!
Additionally, I will be worried my phone wont change the time correctly and I’ll be late. Or wont wake up despite my 3 alarms. So this is gonna be real interesting.
My dude walked in with a surprise box of thin mints which helps a little lol
Don’t worry – I am not having some kind of emotional breakdown. I am not asking what would happen if I were to leave now, I am pondering the thought of what the world would be like if I never existed in the first place. I recently had a good day and called to tell someone about it and the conversation ended in a lot of heavy things being on me – it was a lot to put on me and it got me thinking maybe my families lives would be better if my parents had stopped after my brother, or had a different (maybe better or easier) second child after him instead of getting me on the role of the dice. Most directly, maybe my parents would still be married. I know its cliche for kids to blame themselves for divorce, and I didn’t, until last night when I was told me and my relationship with my parents was a main cause of it. If I did not exist, maybe they would still be a united happy family, all with great relationships with each other. Maybe I am gum in the wheels that made this family not function correctly. I never really thought of myself as a difficult child or person, but it seems that I was and still am. I don’t even feel particularly emotional about the thought, it was really just something I considered after some of the things that came up in this conversation (after what was a pretty good day).
Don’t get me wrong. I like me and I like my life. I know I really matter to some people and one very cool dog. I have just been wondering since that conversation if perhaps the people around me might be happier if I had not existed. It doesn’t really matter because here I sit, typing this for you to read. The world is what is it with my impact as a person. The best I can hope for is to have a more positive impact on others and the world then I did on my family. A positive impact is what we all hope for, I mostly hope not to leave a negative one. I failed that in my childhood apparently, so I will try harder in my adulthood.
A friend of mine said that today and it really struck me, so I am sharing it with you. March Forth, not only the date but a good piece of advice. Keep going. Whatever you are doing, just March Forth. Looking for a new job? Hanging in there at your current job? Wanna stay in a relationship? Wanna get out of a relationship? Want to relocate? Living. One foot in front of the other and March Forth. I felt inspired about confronting a fear of mine by the command of the date, so I hope it helps you too.
Seriously, how did I manage to accumulate all this stuff? Especially, considering how little money I make. Most of the clutter is clothes. I think it’s because I moved around so much that clothes are the thing I could own and transport easily. I think it’s officially time for a stuff culling though. Gotta go through my closets (I consider my car a sort of moving closet lol) and get rid of the things I don’t wear anymore and don’t fit anymore. That’s always the hard part eh? With my clothes that are too small I think ‘I might fit in them again, don’t wanna re-buy it’ and same with my too big clothes ‘I might gain weight and need them again and I don’t want to re-buy them.’ Then there is the stuff I loved when I bought it and had great intentions for but have been hanging there since I bought them. How much of that has to do with the pandemic and literally not having anywhere to to wear them. Cleaning out ones closet is not fun or easy but must be done. Especially, if I am considering another move. Gotta do it now so it doesn’t pile up….hahahaha get it? Clothes piling up?
Yes, I want kids. No, I don’t want kids. Both statements are really true.
Yes, I want kids. I have always thought I would have them. Was it my first goal on life? No. Are they a goal in my life. Yes. I want kids to enrich my family life. Adopt, give birth, whatever. Don’t really care how I get them. (although I have always leaned towards adoption). Is that a good enough reason to have kids?
No, I don’t want kids. I really like sleep. I like living my selfish life where I do what I want when I want without being tied down. I am also pretty poor and kids are expensive. What kind of life could I give my kid without being able to buy it much? I also think that kids are so much work that you really need to want them to have them. Right now, I don’t really want them. But biologically, I am reaching the end of my ability to have them safely. I also don’t want to be an old parent. I want to be able to chase the kid around and play on the floor. My body already is sore after working out! Imagine chasing a kid and lifting it and all.
I once had someone feel very weird about my answer of “I don’t know” about wanting kids. They seemed to not be able to process that I didn’t know for sure. That I didn’t strongly want or not want kids. It was a strange conversation. It almost felt like I had to apologize for my answer hahaha
I have no idea what to do…and freezing my eggs is too expensive.
…has given me hope for a new window opening after all the closing doors.
This past couple of week I have felt I have a new sense of purpose again. I have been getting more shifts at work which has been really nice. Helping people and providing them with a fun and educational experience during a time when folks really need it has been really nice. I am always surprised with how good that feels (not matter how long I have been doing it). I got another part time job which is going to be super fun and fulfilling (I hope). I will tell you more about that after it’s firm. I have been getting more interviews and inquiries which gives me a lot of hope. I still haven’t heard from the listing I SUPER want, but I have hope about it. If not, another window will open I am sure. It’s great to feel a little hope and optimism again. That sounds kind of sad but it’s true. Getting into a set workout routine with goals has helped tremendously as well. My body is tired and sore but in a good way. It is also helping with my self body image. I feel better about myself which is great. Do I really look better? Who knows, who cares. I feel better and for right now that is more then enough. I look forward to more windows opening with the closing of other doors.
I was in the shower yesterday thinking about posting and posing the question of if you could be one character in one musical which would you be? (you would automatically get the talent to do it). Then I started thinking about which character I would pick. I considered Eliza from Hamilton (too many lyrics, would def mess it up), Elle Woods from Legally Blonde (that would be a fun musical to be multiple times), Satine from Moulin Rouge (especially if it’s opposite Aaron Teveit). Then the role of Diana Goodman from Next to Normal popped into my head. I thought No because it is so sad and would so difficult to act out every night. Then my mind wandered to the musical as a whole (fun fact – in the OG cast I would still be performing with Aaron Tveit).
If you have never seen Next to Normal, please stop reading because there are spoilers. It is a play about grief and mental illness. Diana Goodman is a mother dealing with mental illness that started when her young son died unexpectedly. You don’t know he is dead until about 3 songs into the play because you see his teenage character, because Diana Goodman is seeing/hallucinating him as a teenager, as if he had not died. You see how the death and her mental illness affects her husband and her daughter (they had after their son passed). The music is beautiful and the topic is serious. It haunts me to this day – in good and bad ways. It evokes a lot of feelings and thought about mental illness in general, which most people aren’t comfortable with (even though I hope we will be one day). But simply addressing the topic in a Broadway musical definitely made it something to talk about, which is great and brave. Super Boy and the Invisible Girl especially stuck with me. I’m Alive of course was amazing.
If you get the chance to see it, please do. It’s great. Just be prepared for what it will bring up emotionally in and around you.
…from Jamie’s perspective with Kathy’s role being played by my work place.
For those who haven’t seen it, The Last Five Years is a great musical that is about a five years of a relationship told from the perspective of the man and woman living it. Jamie, the man tells his story from start to finish and Kathy, the woman tells her story from finish to start. They are telling two different versions of the same story. That doesn’t mean that either version is wrong or false, they are just different. Their love starts strong and hopeful and their lives just grow apart and their love changes. I don’t want to say it fades, it just doesn’t work together anymore. It was also made into a movie with Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan (swoon) that is on Netflix. Beautiful and worth a watch.
So what does this have to do with my work and I’s relationship — a lot turns out. I started working at my current employer five years ago today. I am excited and hopeful about the job and I felt welcomed and that folks were excited to have me there. We went on like that for about 3 years. Excited and hopeful. Then me and my work started growing apart. By year five, I barely have any hours and I am clearly not missed by my place of work and honestly, I don’t miss it that much either. I am looking for new job opportunities, having been basically dumped by last one after trying to work it out so hard for what feels like forever. I am sure if I had my work’s perspective it would be just as valid (like in the play).
This parallel came to my mind today and I wanted to put the thought down before I forgot it. It’s not that I hate my place of work or anything. It’s just I don’t want to be somewhere I am so easily deleted and forgotten. Something I invested so much time and effort into, erased. It’s not fun but I learn, I do my best while still there, and I look to the future. All we can do right?
I got to RIPPED this Saturday and found I had left my full water bottle on the counter! Oh no! The instructor gave me a piece of gum and said it would keep my mouth moist during the workout. I was skeptical and worried I would choke on the gum during the workout. But it totally worked! And I didn’t choke on the gum. Helpful tip for all the folks reading this.
I am back up to a good workout schedule and doing well with it. The old problem of increased appetite is back though. The increased activity is making my body believe it needs more calories then it does. I never do well with this shift. That first couple of weeks is the golden zone and burning more calories without my body having caught up yet. Now that I am past that, it wants more and it’s loud about it. No body no. We are fine. resist the hunger! At least my muscle is starting to show again. Only a touch, but still awesome and I will take it!
How do you combat the increased appetite? Suggestions welcome!