…happened yesterday.
It was very mild. It was a reaction to dental medicine. I’ve never had one before and it was kind of similar to a bout of anxiety. I got a red swollen face, shakes, and whoozy. I’ve had dental work before…a lot of it. Never had a reaction. Convinced my dentist I was fine. Why all the sudden do I react to it? Weird. On Benadryl and hoping it’s a one time thing.
…like right now.
Y’all know my anxiety is next level. But I know it’s truly, truly bad when I just want it all to stop by most any means necessary. I want to stop being the person who screws up. I want to stop being the person who takes responsibility for mistakes that are and aren’t mine. I want to stop second guessing everything I do because when I do what I think others want I’m fucking wrong and an idiot. Being an empath with anxiety is horrible. How the hell do I get off this fucking roller coaster? Seriously. How. Do. I. Get. Off?! I gotta tell you, I’m not okay. I’m not okay with being on edge all the time and working so hard not to upset anyone and to fail miserably. I am not okay with carrying everyone’s upsetness and I’m certainly not okay making their upsetness all my fault (yep I made up a word. Had to). I am not okay being up right now sick because my inner voice is telling me I’m the fuck up yet again. I want to be the person that is so convinced they’re right that I just steam roll everyone else because it seems like a more peaceful existence. I am not okay with the repeating voice in my head in your voice calling out all my worst traits (real and made up). I want someone to hear me and see me when I’m drowning. I want to not think so little of myself that I won’t scream loud enough to let people know I’m drowning because I know they have their own shit going on and I don’t want to be a bother. someone once told me with great authority not to bother other people with my shut because they’re shit is more important and way heavier then my shit. I’m not okay being trivial to everyone including myself. Maybe that’s why I write this blog. To express myself without really bothering anyone else. Because I’m not worth the bother. One sentence someone said to me made it clear to this day that I’m not worth as much bother as others. I have carried that sentence that cemented a belief for so many years. I’ve structured my life around it. There are other sentences haunting my head. Some external some internal. Just want them to stop. All of them just stop. Gotta find a healthy way to stop them. To live in peace and not run to take all the blame and pretend like it doesn’t bother me. I constantly wonder if I’m the selfish horrible person they see. Taking on everyone else’s emotions is killing me. It’s making me mentally and physically ill. How much more can I absorb? I guess we’ll find out because even now I’d rather take on their emotions to lighten their loads. I still don’t want to be a drain or a bother. But will that ultimately lead to me being drained completely? Maybe. But the sad thing is, it’s still worth the trade to improve the lives of those around me. I’m broken. Clearly.
…holy mother loving fatigue today.
Damn you long covid. I have been starting to have more good days which made me hopeful – until now. I have muscle, body and brain fatigue today. It’s not great. It’s a bit of an effort to breathe. Not like I can’t breathe, I can just feel the effort and slight pain in every breathe in my chest muscles. I can feel where the wire in my bra is because it’s causing me pain in my sensitive muscles and skin. I just want to feel okay. I will take okay and not good. It’s hard to have a long work month and feel like this. And not knowing when it’s going to hit this bad.
I needed a small break from the Court of Thorns and Roses Series so I listened to the amazing Mindy Kaling. I was not disappointed. It was almost like listening to an episode of the Mindy Project but not fictional. It was funny and heartfelt. I love that she said she would not address that women could be funny because duh that’s a stupid question/statement. I enjoyed hearing more about her writing on the Office. We all know Kelly Kapoor and her amazing portrayal of her, but not Mindy the staff writer that gave us so much, including one of my favorite episodes when Michael grills his foot. It was interesting to hear her struggles early on in her career and later with wardrobe folks not liking her in between size. Her standing up for her body and the clothes she wants and has every right to wear. Her book felt like listening to a friend tell me about her life and I highly enjoyed it.
…and another lesson relearned this weekend.
I had one too many martinis on Saturday and was up most of the night puking. Didn’t help that I didn’t eat lol But I knew ordering that last drink it was one too many. But we were having so much fun that I did it anyway hahaha and paid the price. Just when you think I know and wont surpass my limits. My ab muscles still hurt from all the puking. It’s just funny these little lessons we learn again and again. Perhaps we make the mistake less frequently, but we will ever not make it at all? I dunno. Perfectly imperfect I suppose.
…I wish I could disappear. I say something or do something stupid that didn’t have bad intentions but come out so wrong. Or I made a mistake and believe it defines me in other peoples eyes. It’s all they can see because it’s all I can see. Goes along with wondering if your a bad person deep down at heart. I always wonder if I might be. Back into my self loathing I suppose for awhile.
…violent and horrific practices against animals.
Whether its the meat industry, animal testing, kill shelter practices or police violence against animals – I can’t shake it. I have seen some horrific photos and videos that literally haunt my brain and make me sick. I know this is their aim but all this is happening to animals our there. Animals that are so similar to me sweet baby pup. I have switched over to only cruelty free beauty products and reduced my meat intake but I need to do more. It’s not enough – it’s just not enough. I want to go full vegetarian but I am having a hard time totally giving up meat. I want to yell at people to adopt pets instead of spending a stupid amount of money purchasing a designer dog. There has to be better training for police departments on how to handle lose animals other then tazing/electrocuting/shooting them to death and making a perfectly nice animals last moments full of pain and fear and not understanding why this is being done to them. I am crying as I write this. There has to be another way. There just has to be. I know the animal testing for medical advancements is a touchy subject but honestly I’d rather die from a disease then have my life cost 200 animals lives. Maybe I am alone on that one but I am just speaking for me. Let’s test on rapists – what are they gonna say – no? (I stole that from a very wise tiktok). I just can’t abide it. I want to protect them all I really do.
…Treat Yo’ Self
I know those are two different Park and Rec episodes but it’s Galentine’s Day and I watched the Treat Yo’ Self episodes yesterday hahaha Seriously though it’s an amazing day to celebrate the amazing women in your life. Go out and tell them exactly how awesome you think they are. I know the ones in mine are. I would like to add AOC to the list below as well.
…partially as a test.
Did a few hours of physical labor today. Fairly intense physical labor for what I’ve been doing. I shoveled a bunch of mulch, moved the mulch around a hill etc. I know I shouldn’t push myself that hard. But I did a little to see what havoc it wreaks on me. See if it’s as bad as it was a few months ago I’m already sore and tired but we’ll see how I wake up. Still hoping I feel normal one day. Guess I’m looking for hope. And I miss the physical part of my job. I’ll keep you posted!
…as their first thought when a family event is scheduled?
I have a cousin getting married in September and my first thought was how much weight can I lose by then and what would it take? That is my first thought before a lot of family events/holidays. Why is that? My own insecurity I suppose. I don’t think my family really cares (might judge a bit). What am I trying to prove or avoid? If you are a single woman in your 30’s is this thought more prominent? Am I trying to prove that I am not single because I ugly? Maybe. Doesn’t seem real healthy – mentally. Just wondering if I am alone in this or if it’s common.
Set My Own P(e)ace 