This one took me a hot minute to get through and I am not entirely sure why. I am also not entirely sure if I enjoyed it or not. Elizabeth has moments you love her and moments she is pretty annoying. I did like the attention to Women in Science and many other fields. I liked getting 6:30’s perspective (the dog). I also really enjoyed the theme of women supporting women in the end. Even if it took some of them the whole book to get there. Like I said, I don’t entirely know what I think of it – perhaps because I didn’t think about it all that much. I didn’t run back to it at every chance, which is what I am looking for in a book.
You can be a lover or a fighter, whatever you desire Life is like a runway and you’re the designer Wings of a butterfly, eyes of a tiger Whatever you want, baby, choose your fighter
I know this world can be a little Confusing, no walk in the park But I can help you solve the riddle You’re perfect as you are
If you wanna break out of the box Wanna call all of the shots If you wanna be sweet or be soft Then, go off If you wanna go six inch or flat Wanna wear hot pink or black Don’t let anybody tell you that you can’t ‘Cause you can
You can be a lover or a fighter, whatever you desire Life is like a runway and you’re the designer Wings of a butterfly, eyes of a tiger Whatever you want, baby, choose your fighter
Choose your fighter Choose your fighter
A pretty knight in shining diamonds A beauty queen in camouflage Is giving thunder and lightning When you give it all you got
If you wanna break out of the box Wanna call all of the shots If you wanna be sweet or be soft Then, go off If you wanna go six inch or flat Wanna wear hot pink or black Don’t let nobody tell you that you can’t ‘Cause you can
You can be a lover or a fighter, whatever you desire Life is like a runway and you’re the designer Wings of a butterfly, eyes of a tiger (oh, oh, ooh) Whatever you want, baby, choose your fighter
Choose your fighter Choose your fighter
Wings of a butterfly, eyes of a tiger Whatever you want, baby, choose your fighter
Songwriters: Amanda Ava Koci / Henry Russell Walter / Madison Love / Michael Pollack
I love the relationship I am in. No joke – it fits like a glove. There will always be compromises to make but I didn’t realize how much of myself I had compromised just to be in previous relationships. Way too many. I am so glad I didn’t continue to convince myself those were worth losing myself and giving over everything – being the support for them me and the whole relationship. I have support now (and of course still offer support) and I can’t tell you how different and wonderful it feels. It’s amazing. Instead of getting into nasty fights we start like this when one of us is or gets upset – ‘What do you need from me right now?’ and it just helps resolve the fight and let the hurt feelings go. That type of communication is so refreshing and fucking amazing. I am going to marry this man. I am telling you now I know. I have known for a long time- this is it. This is the relationship worth the work. This is the support we both need and the love that isn’t dramatic and all consuming but no less powerful. The love where I can be me, say what I want and I know it wont end the relationship or cause a big fight. Where in fact, he will do his best to meet my needs and I will do my best to meet his. It’s so, so amazing to have that after 37 years of searching for it.
My infections continue to be over achievers. I started feeling uncomfortable down south on Sunday and by Tuesday I decided to visit the urgent care. Both me and my man have had a full STI panel done prior to having unprotected sex so I knew it wasn’t and STI which is always comforting when you have pain/itching down south. I only had wait like 30 minutes at urgent care which is great. I peed in the cup (had to try twice which is freakin’ weird cause I always have to pee). Had a sample taken from down south and waited a bit more. I have both a UTI and a yeast infection. it is also my first yeast infection. Not a fan! But I feel lucky to have made it until 37 without having one. So now I am on two antibiotics and waiting to be cured of these infections. I need to be better about peeing after sex – especially since we have such healthy and frequent sex life. I got a little lazy about it the past couple of weeks. That will teach me. I am also having a hard time not having sex after getting so used to regular great sex. I know it’s a braggy problem but it’s my current issue along with the UTI and yeast infection. Thanks urgent care for the assist!
…since I last wrote but I can’t tell you about any of that.
It was a big two weeks that helped define my future. Unfortunately, I can’t write about it. I know I started this be a no holds bar tell all about my anxiety but this involves other people who haven’t agreed to the same policy so I will just tell you how it ended – with a fight and the best sex of my life (it was makeup sex don’t worry). It all ended in the reassurance of our commitment to each other and our life together and fucking mind blowing sex. 100% worth fighting for hahahaha Anywho – just wanted to let you all know I am still alive, stupid in love and excited for this upcoming chapter in my life.
Been a rough medical month. I got my 3rd ever root canal ever on Monday. Root canal wasn’t so bad – didn’t feel awesome but just a little painful. However my jaw locked open and I couldn’t shut it for like a minute. I know that sounds like a short amount of time but I COULDN’T CLOSE MY MOUTH. Completely freaked me out. Then it happened AGAIN and I couldn’t take it psychologically. For the first time EVER, I burst into tears at the dentist. It completely wasted me mentally. They wanted me to open my mouth to do a final x-ray and I had to take a minute to relax to get my mouth open even a little tiny bit. Then when it was over and I went to pay I started balling again. Felt like a giant baby but I was scared and that had never happened to me. I hope it never happens again. My dental insurance is maxed out for the year so I can’t go back anyway until January 2024. What the hell is up with my teeth?!
First therapy session was okay. Liked the therapist fine. Thick accent so super had to pay attention. The video was terrible so it turned into a call that also got dropped once. Liker her insight and therapy HW. We shall see if I can retrain my brain on my automatic thoughts and help my anxiety. The below photo refers to my savings account after all this.
Before that though I wanted to tell you all a little bit about my decision to return to therapy. You were all with my on my first journey with therapy. I believe that you are never really done with therapy. Do you need it your whole life? No – breaks or necessary. But I can recognize when I need a tune up or I am dealing with a new emotional situation that I don’t have the proper tools for. And that has brought me back. I am trying Better Help – we will see how it goes. I am hoping well. I now have this lovely relationship which is pretty much everything I have ever wanted and I am anxious about losing it. And that is only going to ruin it for both of us. So going back to get tools to deal with this brand of anxiety. Isn’t anxiety fun y’all? I will let you know how it goes! And update you on my latest dental adventures – which were fucking terrible.
…good thing SCOTUS comes after to destroy with their backwards looking conservative bullshit.
You are all alive know what this years annual fucking by SCOTUS was. Last years was of course Roe v. Wade. Next years will likely be marriage equality. I saw a post of someone with a sign that said ‘At least you can’t get pregnant being fucked by SCOTUS.’ It it hit home. I am officially saying NO to this yearly fucking. Although my saying no doesn’t matter as I am woman and they need to protect the rapists future….I digress but you get the point that rapists are making our final judicial decisions. That seems right….oh wait not at all. We need to do something to stop this bullshit before it’s Handmaids Tale. I am not even kidding – that is a real fear of mine. I see it as totally feasible the way we are headed. Do these people miss the 5o’s? Straight white men, yep they miss the 50’s. I am not going back and I am willing to bet there are a fair amount of people who are with me on this one.
I have seen a new fad of women who chose to be traditional, submissive house wives. But yanno what – they go out of their way to explain why they enjoy that and why it makes sense to them. They are fine with everyone else living life the way they see fit. These women have way more sense then this supreme court. or at least I can respect these women for going after what they want and not impeding or imposing on anyone else’s life. I wont impose in theirs. Why can’t everyone have the right to chose and advance?
I have been feeling a little more anxious lately. Maybe it’s the dental work. Maybe that’s just how anxiety goes – ebbs and flows. This time around with therapy I am going to get ahead of it though. I am not going to wait until I am freaking mess to start. I am feeling a little off balance with the anxiety lately and it’s time to re-balance. Maintenance therapy. I would also like to be the best partner to my BF I can be. Which means learning to deal with some of the drama his past brings. And I really need to learn to live with that better and not allow it to affect me as much. It’s not his current selfs fault and it’s all part of loving him and supporting him as much as I possibly can without letting my mama bear instincts kick in quite as much. It’s a strong and bold instinct in me. So I need to be the best emotion processing self I can be. I just think the whole world would be a better place if we all had mandatory therapy. You need to understand yourself to try to understand and accept and be there for others. So I am doing Better Help for awhile to get ahead of all that and not wait till I fuck up my personal life. Yay for personal growth! I can’t spend my life having anxiety every time his phone goes off. Or waiting for the next horrible piece of drama he is gonna tell me is happening. I need a better way to process all this. And this is the clearest way to gain it I think.
My latest crown has turned into a root canal. In true Andrea’s teeth fashion. I am in pain a lot of the time and IB Profen is my new best friend. I should be their spokesperson. Luckily I am getting it started today. Even luckier, I have a man who loves me soooo much he is coming with me to Orange County and then taking me for wine for my pain at my winery after. He basically gets nothing out of this little trip but to keep me company and he wants to come anyway. He’s just so freaking awesome. So I am lucky in that aspect – not so lucky in the teeth department.
Set My Own P(e)ace 