There is a Sex in the City episode that has spoken to me recently. The episode opens with Carrie buying an endless amount of gifts of an endless amount of registries looking for affordable items. Later in the show she adds up how much she spent celebrating one person’s life choices (engagement gift, wedding gift, travel for the wedding, baby gifts) and it’s not a small number. I started really thinking about this concept and it’s completely right.
She also says, “I’m thrilled to give you gifts to celebrate your life I just think it stinks that single people are left out of it.” She’s right – it does stink. I have spent so much of my hard earned money on others that I will never see if I don’t get married or have babies. (Everyone has birthdays that doesn’t count). This is not to make anyone feel bad about gifts purchased for you but it really does stink for single folks.
Every time I go to purchase something for myself I second guess it…do I really want to spend that money? When purchasing a gift I don’t think twice about spending more then whatever it was I wanted for me. So how much can I spend on myself without feeling guilty? Is there any money left after buying all the gifts I need to buy? Is there money for those gifts int he first place?
I had therapy this morning and our main topic of conversation is my last blog post about my night of waves of anxiety. By the end of the conversation it is muddy/clear. I do mean the contradiction of muddy/clear. I understand the reasons behind the anxiety, but at the same time they seem a bit ridiculous – which is generally the case with anxiety.
I was worried I would lose the stability I had found after all the change. I found a roommate who I know which was my number 1 option in finding a roommate. Not only do I know her but I genuinely enjoy her company. I couldn’t have asked for a better situation or new start in my home. My dude and I have been doing great. I mean it – really great. It’s been fun and light and everything I hoped our reset could be. Who gets their best case scenarios on changes in life and risks taken? I think I scared myself into waiting for that stability to go away or fall apart…which is silly. It’s creating worry that doesn’t need to be there. But that’s the rub because that is anxiety. Therapy has helped though and continues to help with the anxiety and overthinking.
Life does keep going though and those moments you aren’t quite ready for come closer. My apartment is filled with boxes and things are being divided. A friend moves away and new chapter starts.
Along with the moments you know are coming and want to delay or forget about come some great moments you wait for and others that are unexpected. Those moments this week have included an excited call from a friend because she was so happy, cooking dinner and having a dance party in my dudes kitchen, and watching Bachelor in Paradise with my roommate. What were yours?
I haven’t been shy about my anxiety or my time in therapy to try to cope with that anxiety. I haven’t been shy about it because it’s not something I am ashamed of or think I need to hide, so I am going to tell you about a type of anxiety I have never experienced…until last night.
I had finally fallen asleep then woke up an hour later at about 1:00 am because my heart was racing. I thought maybe I had a weird dream or something and when it subsided I dismissed it…until about 5 minutes later when it happened again. My heart starts racing, I need to slow my breathing to try to slow my heart rate and anxiety just washes over me. Waves are the best way I can think to describe it because I could feel it coming and it started small, got bigger, crashed into me, then dissipated. These waves continued for about an hour.
While I am not ashamed of my anxiety (I can’t help it), I always feel bad when my anxiety affects other people. I worry they feel I am just being dramatic or out for attention when that isn’t at all the case. So I have anxiety about my anxiety. Also, I feel bad even trying to explain all of this to people in person because all they want to do is help you and tell you it’s okay. Really, this is a nice thing to do, but then I feel bad when them reassuring me doesn’t make the anxiety go away. You can see that they so badly want to help and you want to show them you appreciate it but it’s hard in the midst of anxiety waves.
One of the hardest types of anxiety to explain is the kind that doesn’t have a direct cause or source. This doesn’t happen to me often but that was the case last night – no direct source, it just happened. How do you tell someone that and not look like you are fishing for attention? And anxiety about anxiety comes around all over again.
Let’s talk about the physical manifestations of anxiety because no one else seems to be. For me, the biggest one is digestive system issues. Either I have a stomach that is in knots or it moves to my intestines causing restroom issues. The waves of anxiety destroyed not only my night of sleep but most of dude’s (which I feel pretty bad about, eventually I sent him home so he could actually sleep. I’ll be dammed if my anxiety gets to him too at 2:00 am). Now I have to go to work on very little sleep with these other physical manifestations be a leader.
So why tell you about all this? I want all those out there who are dealing with anxiety (from mild to extreme), and those supporting someone dealing with anxiety, that you aren’t alone. Kudos to those who support those of us with anxiety – you may not think you are helping much but you are, just by being there. Sitting next to us, holding our hand, telling us it’s okay and we are okay, and for me laying next to me and putting your hand on my hand (romantic comforting way) helps more then you know, even when we can’t directly express it. Thanks for listening all and if you need someone to talk to I am here!
…remembering I made mid year resolutions and trying harder to follow them.
I made mid year resolutions about three months ago and then kind of forgot about them. If nothing else I want to be honest in this blog so there’s the truth. I saw a post on Instagram that reminded me of them and I decided it’s time to take a look back and see if they need slight amending to make them more doable.
Here they are:
Put 3% of every paycheck into my savings account
Workout three times a week instead of two – every week
Perform at least three acts of kindness per week
Run Halloween 5K in Spider Gwen gear (my dream is to be an athletic nerd
Updates and Revisions:
I can’t do this…I wouldn’t eat. My revised goal will be to put $20 from every check into my savings.
I have actually been pretty good about this one so it’s staying as is. Two R.I.P.P.E.D. classes a week and at least one day of an hour of walking/some jogging.
Yep – 100% forgot about this one. I still like it so I am going to try harder to remember it.
If you have read the last few posts you know I am still pretty determined to complete this. I will post training photos to keep me on track
Art Credit @positivelypresent
I will take August as a bridge into the end of the year and my best effort to complete my resolutions.
…I have had in awhile and all because of a little pink helmet and the man on the bike.
I work weekends; let me clarify that statement; I work EVERY weekend day. I have a love hate relationship with this work schedule. I enjoy weekends at work: it’s my staff and our great vibes. We have a lot of visitors and get a lot done so days always fly by. On the other hand NO ONE else has my days off so they are mostly spent alone. I never see my dude during the day…seriously. There is the occasional trip or special occasion but other then that I only see him for a couple of hours before bed – not ideal.
Yesterday, I had a very rare Saturday off…and it was awesome! It started with being able to sleep…on an actual weekend day. I wasn’t rushing out of the bed to work and neither was he; we just got to lay there enjoying the moment. Then we made breakfast and it was so much fun! Including a mango mimosa which was delicious. Then we sat, ate, and talked for an hour and it was lovely. After breakfast we ran some errands, which probably doesn’t sound exciting to you, but we never get to do that stuff together. So we went to AAA, Trader Joes, motorcycle helmet shopping, and couch shopping. We found the perfect motorcycle helmet for me – pink and on a great sale! It was fate – totally meant to be my helmet. I couldn’t wait to use it but we did need to go couch shopping. I almost said “ah let’s forget about it” because I was so frustrated by looking at couches and wanted to go riding. He said no I think we should go look and he was right! I am so glad he encouraged it. Couch shopping was a lot more fun with my dude then it was alone. He was silly and made it fun while still telling me what he thought of each couch. When we found ‘the one’ he helped me make a plan to move it in (which involves heavy lifting on his part). I can’t forget our snack stop at Fudruckers! I used to go there as a kid and could not stop giggling about being there.
Then we came back home and went on a motorcycle ride to snacks and dinner (we changed location for more practice riding together). It really was the best day. Usually you all only hear about the hiccups in my life so I wanted to share this kind of magical weekend day off too. I have said it before and I will say it again, it’s the little lovely moments and gestures that make life awesome and yesterday was full of them.
When my husband and I announced
that I was pregnant, the responses we received were all over the spectrum. Most
of our family and friends were soo happy and some even cried. However, we were
also met with “WOW, we just figured you two didn’t want kids and were career
people since it’s been two years since your wedding.”
I had a pretty easy pregnancy and
was able to work out and carry on with my normal activities until 36 weeks. My
husband and I went to every appointment together and we share sonogram pictures
with our parents and closest friends yet for some this wasn’t enough. Some told
me I wasn’t bubbly enough or happy enough during my pregnancy. Some even had
the audacity to tell me that I wasn’t sharing my pregnancy enough with family
and I didn’t deserve to be pregnant. This all was a SHOCK to me. When did it
become alright for people to put you down while you were PREGNANT???
During my pregnancy I learned a
lot of unexpected life lessons. When my husband and I told our family that NO
one would be in the delivery room with us for the birth of our baby, our
parents (both sides) were offended. They even tried to guilt us into changing
our minds. They said everything from well it is your mother’s right to be
there! REALLY??, who decided that? I’ve known many couples who gave into the
family pressure of letting their parents into the delivery room but NOPE not
us! My husband and I wanted to do it OUR way and we held firm and said NO.
We also told our family and
friends that we would take the first month to ourselves and have NO visitors. O
boy did that NOT go over well. AGAIN, people were saying we have the “right” to
see your baby ASAP! Really, again who gave you that right? In some cultures
there is a rule where the mom and dad of a new baby take 40 days for themselves
to become a family of one. My husband and I learned of this through my co-worker
and we took it and ran with it. I personally didn’t want to be in pain and have
to worry about taking a shower to entertain family and friends have just giving
birth to a baby. I’m so thankful to have a supportive husband who agreed with
me.
Over that month of my maternity
leave, I learned what it took to be a mom and how to care for our baby. My
husband was great at letting me nap and helped keep the house afloat while I
recovered and cared for our baby. Moms have a LOT to deal with emotionally and
physically after having a baby. My advice is to always LISTEN to your gut and
body and don’t back down to anyone. Mom strength is real but so it the mama
bear instinct!
After 8 weeks off and returning
to work it took a matter of maybe 4 months until people and I mean everyone in
my life to start asking me “When is number 2 coming?” I was SHOCKED! I mean
hello, I just gave birth to a baby which I grew for 9+ months and you want to
know about number 2??? My advice to you
when that day comes to start a family, IGNORE those people in your life who
want to know about kid #2. ENJOY all of the time you have with your first baby
and enjoy that moment with your spouse.
Friends and family kept telling
us that we were crazy for not to want our parents (both sides) there to help
with the house and cook and stuff after baby. Many said “How could you even
think to do this on your own?” They
called my husband and me crazy, told us we were being selfish and everything in
between. We even had close friends of ours bring it up later on months after
our baby was born in a passive aggressive way saying “well you two didn’t want
us at the hospital or house to meet the baby so we took out time and met them
when we were available.”
I also sadly learned that when you go through a life change just like marriage or moving away for a job that your friend circle continues to change and evolve. During my pregnancy I learned that some of my friends couldn’t be happy for me and were negative. So I decided to stop communicating with those friends and decided I couldn’t deal with their negativity in my life anymore. It was hard to see those friends go away. For a while I blamed myself for the ended friendship but after a few months I realized it was their fault. If a true friend can’t be happy for you in your moment of happiness then they aren’t deserving of your time. Stay strong and surround yourself with positive people in your life. Find those friends that you know without a doubt you can call up in a time of need and they would drop everything to get to you. These are the kind of people who you need in your life.
Sometimes if feels like your life changes overnight and without warning (even when there is clearly some warning) and this happened to me this week. I am still try to recover from it and it might sound dramatic but it’s making me fee a lot of things.
Big Change #1
My boss is leaving. Some people consider this a big deal and others wont. For me, it is somewhere in between. I used to be quite close with her and we worked together well. That dynamic changed about 1.5 years ago but has been improving. Sometimes I am really sad she is leaving, others I am a bit relieved I wont be disappointing her anymore. This will come with a lot of added responsibility on me too which is totally freaking me out now that it’s really happening and not some hypothetical. I know I can do it and have the skill set but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.
Big Change #2
My roommate is moving to Colorado. I know that roommates aren’t forever but I really like my roommates company and friendship. It is really hard to find someone you are compatible to live with and enjoy living with on top that. She is taking her pup with her which is just breaking my heart in two. Again, this was something I knew was coming but I got super emotional about and still kind of am.
With her removal from the apartment, I am left to make big choices I don’t particularly want to make (but that’s life I suppose). What do I do? I definitely can’t afford to live on my own to SoCal so as I see it these are my options. 1) Stay where I am and play roommate roulette (scary). 2) Move and play roommate roulette (scary and I have to move). 3) My dude and I move in together (not super scary but I have to move all my stuff, and are we ready for that?)
#3 is honestly my favorite choice but I don’t know if it’s the right one…especially for him. I need some solid ground to stand on and I would love for that to be this move and this relationship. As much as I want it though, I am not sure we are ready for that. Is it fair to ask him to jump into being ready for that? No. Can I help the situation I am in right now? No. Could pursuing this move make or break the relationship? Yes. It’s not easy all the way around. I want to do what is right for us and especially for him; his happiness is high on my priority list.
All of this has been really overwhelming for me these past few days. I seriously feel that I have a hit a breaking point and lost some of my control in setting my own p(e)ace. I feel a little lost and really, really need someone to just be there and help me talk it through to figure it out. But I can’t have hit a breaking point because right now there isn’t anyone who can be that person just inherently. My dude is actually doing a great job being this person but he still needs to think of himself (and I absolutely want him to do so) in the whole ‘should we move in situation’ so it’s hard for someone to think that through and be the person I blabber on to all the time…it’s a lot to ask of someone. *last night he was super sweet and said that in my silence he knew I needed him to tell me that we were okay so ‘We are okay’ and I looked at him and thought damn this man knows me and I could not adore him more in this moment* My best friend in the O.C. is going through the same loss of a boss and potential loss of a place to live (not same timing though to take my spare room). My roommate is dealing with moving to different state which exciting but is not easy (this I know). My family members have their own stuff to get through so I can’t bother them with any of this. How do you rely on yourself when yourself is kind of falling apart?
I am a ball of anxiety and I don’t know what to do. BUT I do know I will figure it out and just keep swimming. I will turn challenge to strength and prove I have guts and guile.
August is a good month because it’s an extra paycheck month. For most people (formerly me) this means buying that outfit, going on a trip, or splurging on something. I plan to squirrel it away for the two weeks after I pay rent and live on freezer food from Costco. This third check has become a bit of a life line for at least the next few months.
August is also a good month because it is when I start shopping for Christmas presents. Yep, you read that correctly – Christmas Presents. I cannot afford to take a $400 hit in December, seriously I would starve. So I buy three presents per month starting now (4 this month because of the extra check). This is the only way for me to feasibly give meaningful presents on my budget. I am not complaining – I actually love shopping for and giving people presents. I pride myself on being an excellent gift giver, it just takes planning ahead.
August is a tough month because it is the prelude to fall. I always get Fall for my birthday (September 22). I like to travel in the fall to a location where I can see the leaves change color. I don’t think that is in the cards for me this year on my current budget and it will be a hard thing to skip, but you gotta do what you gotta do with what you got. I chose to work in nonprofits and that helps and hurts me set my own p(e)ace as previously discussed in Part 1.
August 2 was a good day because I found an item I rarely purchase at a great price at Costco – Frozen Kodiak Protein Waffles! I got paid today so I got to buy a huge pack at a great price. You should know I get really excited over deals and especially deals I can buy. I love shopping around Costco but it’s a money pit. Today I went in for TP (essential) and came out with a simple thing that completely made my day. You must appreciate the little luxuries when on a budget.
August just got tougher because I am about to be homeless (probably an exaggeration but that’s how it feels right now). My roommate is moving (to CO and I am jealous lol) and I really can’t afford to live here without a roommate. So…get another roommate right? How many times can I get lucky with roommates? I hate roommate roulette! I am 33 and because I am in a beach town can’t afford to live on my own without a roommate. Ugh.
The phrase all magic comes with a price comes to mind and so does certain decisions you make to set your own p(e)ace.
I have always thought that the little things in life are the important ones. It’s never taken much to amuse me and make me laugh and I live a pretty happy life because of it. A tiny treat in my day can completely make it. A small compliment can bring about a smile faster then most things.
Last night, after a very nice anniversary date, I felt quite sick to my stomach. (This confirms that my lactose sensitivity is growing as we had mud pie which is mostly ice cream). I ended up being sick in his bathroom and when I came out he had picked me two pink and white flowers for my hair (the same type of flowers I have tattooed on my side) and it was the sweetest thing. Then we laid down on a giant bean bag chair and just rested together – he acted as if I hadn’t just been sick in his bathroom. These two small acts are exactly what I needed in that moment.
Most people likely think we are a bit nuts for trying again but in these small moments I know why. In these small acts of kindness I know his heart and who he is and how it matches mine in a lot of ways.
I have talked a lot on this blog about my romantic life between my dude and my stumbles dating, but I have neglected to tell you about one of the most important relationships in my life.
One day at work everyone was talking about work spouses. I was trying decide if I had a work husband when I realized I have a work wife hahahaha. She is one of my best friends in and out of work, she is there when I am in a goofy mood and need to distract someone or when I am fuming about something stupid. She does all the stuff a work wife is supposed to: she stops me from saying or doing stupid stuff, she calls me out on my bullshit, she drinks wine with me on the regular, and she is my teammate. It’s an important relationship that is owed it’s due in the blog telling my life story and all. She is integral to in helping me to set my own p(e)ace at work and in my life.
So why today? It’s her birthday! Happy birthday to one of the best people I know. I hope this year is half as cool as you are.
Set My Own P(e)ace 