…that you might question my taste over but hear me out.
We all have those t.v. shows, songs, and movies that we love but don’t admit to other people. This is an example of role models in the public eye that fall under that list – except I am not afraid to admit it. You may not agree but I am asking you to hear me out and consider adding them to your instagram for a little inspiration.
The Bella Twins @thenikkibella @thebriebella
I learned about the Bella Twins when I started watching Total Divas. They were by far the most interesting on the show because they were ambitious and unafraid to be who they are – flaws and all. These two have done what they needed to create a kind of a empire with a loyal following (including me!). They had successful wrestling careers and saw a point from bad acting and escorting men to the ring to being a bad ass wrestling duo showing their fitness and athletic ability. They parlayed their wrestling career into a fashion line, wine brand, and more. They cover the whole field of goals between the two. Despite being twins they live life at their own p(e)ace while supporting each other and all women along the way. That doesn’t always happen. If that isn’t worth admiration, I don’t know what is.
…is that you are homesick for them all at different times.
I knew that I wanted to live in different places. I wanted to try them on and see if they fit. I never knew they would all fit in different ways. I knew this goal was a big part of setting my own p(e)ace. I made each of them my home with wonderful people and experiences. It is everything I wanted. I did not think that once I moved from those places that I have bouts of homesickness for each of them and the people I met there.
Page, AZ (Lake Powell)
Proof I was a Park Ranger hahaha
I was a park ranger in the National Park Service out of college. I lived there for 3.5 seasons and loved it. I got to live on the only residential street on Lake Powell and could walk to the lake any time. All of my friends and coworkers lived on that street so there was always someone to hang out with or something to do and they were amazing people…for the most part -but there is always one. I loved the work too. I got to have the experiences that most people don’t and awesome hat. I met two of my favorite people while in Page: one bad ass L.E. artist and my PIC and co-founder of scorpion way M.C. I couldn’t picture my life without these two people; even living in totally different places they are always there for me. I miss the smell of the rain in the desert – nothing better.
Salt Lake City, UT
I miss fry sauce…and my cousin…but fry sauce.
I only lived in SLC for one winter with my cousin but I still miss that time. Most of my extended family lives in SLC so for that one winter I got to be a part of the family dinners and activities. I really enjoyed it because I missed them when I was little. I remember all my cousins calling on Christmas Eve and wondering what that must have been like (know that I created my own family memories for Christmas Eve that I cherish) and I got to find out. I spent a lot of time with two of my cousins in particular and really became friends with them. It was great bonding time and I do feel homesick for it, and fry sauce, from time to time.
Hood River, OR
Dog Mountain Trail (technically Washington looking to Oregon)
After grad school I was feeling a bit restless and had some wanderlust. I started applying for jobs anywhere and everywhere. When I got an interview for a job in Hood River, Oregon I had no idea the adventure I was in for. Part of this job was joining AmeriCorps and voluntarily being dirt floor poor (below dirt floor poor- I am still paying it off). After a whole lot of searching I finally found a room to rent. I didn’t know the people I lived with would become my Oregon family. Maybe it’s because you get close to people when five of you share a bathroom, but I think it’s because we just got one another. We liked all the same shows, we had respect for each other, and we all loved musical theater. They included me in their family outings, holiday dinners, and everyday lives. I am forever grateful they are in my life. I met a great friend who is still in my life. After six months of feeling so alone (aside from my Oregon Family) she introduced me to her friends and R.I.P.P.E.D. She changed my life for the better and pulled me from my own loneliness.
All of these homes and experiences have helped me set my own p(e)ace and make up the whole of who I am. I needed to prove to myself that I was brave enough to do try new places and build a life in them, and I did.
Don’t think I forgot about you Phoenix! You get your own post later.
I have been feeling homesick for Oregon lately which is what inspired me to write this post.
…and setting my own p(e)ace and finding new ways to challenge myself.
Exercise has been an important part of my life for the last five years. It was something I fell into while I was in Hood River, Oregon and felt really alone. I joined a gym and went to group classes with the main goal of making friends. I started taking Zumba because a new friend (from a meetup group) went to that class. Being in that class was the beginning of the road to inclusion in Hood River and a lifelong appreciation for the positive changes it brought to my life that I didn’t expect.
After a few weeks of Zumba my friend suggested I try a class called R.I.P.P.E.D. I was skeptical because I wasn’t in great shape but I showed up…and it changed me. That first class was hard and I was sweating like I had some kind of fever…and it was awesome! The even better part was how welcoming all the members of the class were. The more classes I attended the better it got. I was excited to be a part of a group and have something outside of work in Hood River to be a part of and do.
Then I started seeing changes in my body. I was building muscle for the first time in a long time. I realized that skinny is great but strong is sexy. I felt better about myself both inside and out; the class was a great place to release my anxiety. It is the greatest benefit of exercise I have found. I do workout for my physical health but for my mental health as well.
Fast forward a bit and I was in another new town where I didn’t know anybody, Dana Point. The first thing I did once settled was find a R.I.P.P.E.D. class. Eventually, I found one I could afford and once again I had a group I belonged to in a place foreign to me. I had a touch stone where I was welcomed and made a little fit family. I look forward not only to the class and release of anxiety, but to seeing all of my fit family at the class.
Exercise (R.I.P.P.E.D. specifically) and the people in my fit family have truly made my life better physically and emotionally. I am not sure what I would have done without finding that outlet and I am really grateful for it. R.I.P.P.E.D. is a huge part of setting my own p(e)ace and I will keep it in my life for a long time.
I do want to keep challenging myself with physical goals I never thought I could achieve. That is why I have set the goal of running in the Halloween 5K. Running is never something I have ever thought possible or taken joy in. I know I have discussed this before but now it’s time to really start tackling this challenge. I have no idea how to go from I hate running to crushing a 5K but I will figure it out. Let’s see where this new physical challenge leads me in setting my own p(e)ace.
Check back here and my insta – setmyownp.e.ace to follow my journey to the Halloween 5K and achieving this new fitness goal.
I need a good suggestion for quality running shoes. Anyone have a brand you love?
Health Update! I had my second doctors appointment for the now four weeks of bleeding and finding the cause. We are adding a fun new symptom from the PCOS which is fybroids. But I am getting ahead of myself.
I have been dreading this appointment since I heard the words ‘internal ultrasound.’ I have had an internal ultrasound before so it wasn’t that I didn’t know what to expect…it’s that I did. Internal ultrasounds aren’t super painful but they are incredibly uncomfortable for many reason. 1) The obvious: a rod is going up you 2) I mean really up you 3) WTF is that in me?! Although one cool thing was that the ultrasound image was projected on a TV so I could see it. It was pretty cool. Did I have any idea what I was looking at? No, but it was still a nice distraction
The doctor came in and asked why we did the ultrasound again…okay she’s busy. She then fired off some information I didn’t understand and basically ran out the door before I could really even ask questions. I am thinking I need a new doctor – not due to lack of skill but you can’t ramble medical stuff at me and run out the room.
So no cysts on the ovaries! Yay! Unfortunately, I now have many fybroids on my uterus, but they are small which is good. I am trying a temporary new regimen of my birth control pill to control the symptoms (stop the bleeding). I am little frightened that upping my BC pill, even temporarily, might make me a bit nuts for a few days. Maybe I will just put myself on a time out to ensure that the only other person affected, if it happens, is me. If that doesn’t work I get an IUD
So my adventures with PCOS continue. I am sharing this saga with PCOS and myself for the same reason I share my journey in therapy – I am not ashamed because it’s a part of my life. I have to address it all to take care of me and set my own p(e)ace. Own what you’re dealt, taking care of, and be damn proud you’re handling your business! So cheers to all those handling their business. Cheers!
I have had quite a few adventures in my life big and small. I pride myself on being adventurous. I have moved to different cities without even seeing them, went to grad school and got an apartment by myself, traveled to London, Hawaii, and Colorado.
If you follow my instagram @setmyownp.e.ace you saw my adventure to San Diego to see my mom ans hang with my dude. It was so great. I hung out with my mom, went flip flop shopping, saw my dude surf for the first time, ate good food, and had a new experience at the roof top movie. This adventure was only two days and 60 something miles away, but it was grand. Reflecting on it has reignited something in me to live for the moment and not worry so much about the future.
I haven’t been doing a good job of this prior to the trip or just after. I had my internal ultrasound scheduled and it was REALLY freaking me out. I suppose the worry of future medical bills, pain, and worry took my brain over and it spilled into other areas of my life. I do think that I did a better job of putting the breaks on allowing it to spill into other areas post adventure, but there was some small spillage. (Have to celebrate the small wins in life).
APPLYING THIS TO MY LOVE LIFE: I have been so worried about the future of my relationship with my dude that I am forgetting to enjoy the now. He was so sweet during my freak out about my health. He just held my hand, kissed me, and told me it was okay and I would be okay. I have been so worried about holding his hand forever that I am forgetting I am happy holding it right now. I think I have been looking for signs of a guarantee that this relationship will work but, that isn’t how love and relationships work. There is no guarantee – you just have to jump and know that if that jump leads to a crash, you will heal and be okay. The jump might result in flying as well. What if that happened? I want this adventure so I am going to take the opportunity as best I can. Here’s hoping we grow some wings (if you are him you get that joke) and enjoy being in the now together.
Until I see where all of my adventures lead, I am going to try to do better with enjoying the moment I am in. That really is my point of this whole blog, isn’t it? Enjoying the stage of life and love you are in! What are you enjoying right now in this moment?
…building a successful career, dating, finding her Harry, and learning to live without apologies.
After breaking up Mr. X, I
quietly starting hanging out with another guy and kept it very much on the down low as I wanted to
protect it from all the judgement from family and friends. I was not ready to
answer all of the questions and defend myself as to how could I be ready to
date again after ending a 3 plus year relationship. Again, I did it my own way on
my own timeline. It took a few months and then I decided to tell my friends and
family I was dating a new guy.
There will always be pressure
from society, friends and family members asking you at each step of your life
more and more questions but my best advice to you is to stay your ground, and
make your own way. Don’t be a sheep and follow the masses, stand out and be
yourself.
About 6 months into this new
relationship, my new boyfriend and I had a talk about expectations and wants
and where we saw ourselves in 5 years. Heavy questions at 6 months yes, but we
were both almost into our 30s so I felt these questions were warranted. I
followed my instinct and knew I could not emotionally invest anymore time into
this relationship if I didn’t put it out there what I wanted in life. I told my
new boyfriend that I would give this relationship 2 years at most and if before
that or at that time we both don’t see this going anywhere then we can walk
away. He was startled and shocked that I could put a timeline on a relationship
and expected him to accept that. I told him I know for ME that I will know by 2
years if I see a long term future with the person I am dating. I was NOT shy
and told him that I dated people and I KNEW what I wanted in a partner. We had our up and downs during this
relationship but one thing that was for not misunderstood was MY timeline and
my feelings because I did what I thought was right and put it on the line.
Fast forwarding two years, we
were engaged to be married. My boyfriend has proposed on our two year dating
anniversary and took me by surprise! No mention of anything at all until one
evening when we were walking to dinner after a play and I look over and he was
down on one knee! AHH! I said YES! Here I was over the moon happy and couldn’t
believe it!
Even though I was on cloud 9 with
excitement there were still some friends and family in my life saying the
engagement wasn’t fast enough and you already lost two years and that I should
get married ASAP if I wanted kids. Again, people love to share their opinions
regardless of the occasion or event in your life.
My advice is to always be true to
yourself and take a pause and enjoy moments of joy with your significant other
and let your friends and family wait. We told our closest family and friends
about our engagement the day but the rest could wait.
Dating and having a career is
challenging but it can be done. Don’t be shy to cancel dates because of a
project at work, or pushing dinner plans because you are trying to meet a
deadline. If the person you are dating is truly supportive of your career they
will understand. I hated rescheduling dates but I often did because of work. I
didn’t think it was fair to the person I was dating to have to put up with me
when I was fried from a bad day at work or let alone in a horrible mood that no
amount of cosmos or food could fix. Sometimes we all need a personal mental
health day to go home get chick-fil-a and watch a romantic comedy on Netflix
and that is OKAY. I always felt it was better to reschedule vs go ahead with
the date and end up in an argument or something because I was NOT at my best to
start with.
Sometimes it’s hard to not talk about work when you are on dates but one rule I made was I allowed the first ten minutes of the date to be where we can talk about our days at work but after that no more work talk. I felt like this allowed me to truly “leave work at work” and be the true me and relax, unwind, and get to know the person across from me.
My man and I are about two weeks into our reset as we call it and we hit our first real bump. I have been so happy and a little scared the last two weeks with him, but at this moment I am mostly scared. There are two sides to every story of course and this is simply my view so take it as you will.
He wasn’t truthful with me about our time apart when directly asked, on more then one occasion. I am not so upset about what happened, I am upset he felt he couldn’t tell me the truth about it. At the same time does he have to tell me the truth about it? We weren’t together and he was free to do what he wanted.
This subject (and a few martini’s and me already being scared about my PCOS) lead to some unkind words from me. I am not proud of it and I am sorry for the way I phrased a lot of things I said, but I am not sorry I expressed my fear on the topic. I spoke up for myself and what I needed in the moment and I needed to do that. Also, he isn’t taking any responsibility for his part in this fight and realizing that him not being truthful and concealing things twice, is really what set me off. His concealing things is what lead me to not be allowed into his home. Do I want a relationship with someone whose house I can’t enter?
The big problem was I wasn’t the only one who needed something last night. He hasn’t been feeling well and he needed rest – not my fear and picking at him. I knew he wouldn’t spend the night because he needed the rest (back story – I haven’t always reacted so well to this practice in the past as it makes me feel kind of abandoned. I have worked really hard not to feel that way and meet his needs but it makes me kinda sad still). I didn’t say anything when he went to leave because I really didn’t want him to feel bad or play into an old pattern. I must have looked pretty upset though because he said I did then asked why and I told him….I didn’t word it correctly and I should have. But I think he was so worried about me playing into that old pattern that he was waiting for it and maybe reacted poorly as well because of that expectation? or just because he didn’t feel well?
So my question to you today is how do you best compromise on a way to meet each others needs in the times you both have urgent needs?
Also, I am thinking of suggesting to him that we create rules of engagement when we need to talk about something serious or ‘fight.’ For example, 1) we only discuss the topic at hand – no old arguments 2) no serious talks after alcohol etc. I think these rules will help us communicate better and not fall into old, destructive habits. Does anyone out there have anything like this in their relationship?
At the end of the night I asked him how worried I should be about this ‘fight?’ He had the perfect response I needed in that moment. He looked me in the eye and said this conversation doesn’t change anything. That is my man and even if it doesn’t end up working out that was a wonderful moment of kindness and understanding. It was exactly what I needed and only someone who knows me would have been able to give m that. Hopefully we can continue setting our p(e)ace together and making a relationship based on this understanding and kindness.
…oh what that’s wrong. Polycystic ovary syndrome. Let’s talk about it.
My impending OBGYN appointment to talk about my side effects of PCOS today got me thinking about my life with PCOS and all it’s complications in setting my own p(e)ace. At the age of 15 I developed crazy pain and wound up with a series of tests in the ER (one ended in hands in places I had never experienced – all legit just terrible). The next day and a CT scan later I found out I had PCOS and got to the to the OBGYN.
I wasn’t thrilled and it only got worse at 15. I went into the doctor and after telling them that I wasn’t sexually active three separate times they still didn’t believe me. They treated me like a liar and continued the exam. She was NOT gentle in any manor; it was rough and painful. No one told me what to expect before insert things in my body then exclaiming ‘Oh you are virgin!’
Since this fun first experience my least favorite symptoms have been hair in crazy places and weight issues. I realize this is nothing in the grand scheme of things but it’s not real fun to yoyo in weight and have random hairs pop out of my face.
Hormone swings are by far the worst. Imagine feeling off without being able to explain why. The people in your life tell you how bad you are acting but trust me it isn’t half as bad as it feels. You try to explain it but they brush it off as if it’s an excuse they don’t quite believe so you stop explaining it to people. If you can’t talk about that how do you talk about potential challenges with fertility. I am not even sure I want kids – if I do I want to adopt them – but worrying it might not be a possibility is a whole new feeling and worry about letting a future partner down potentially. I suppose it doesn’t do any good to worry but worry is a side effect.
That brings me to my latest symptom – a three week period. So I am going in today to hopefully get adjusted or find a cyst to get rid of.
I know PCOS is fairly common. If you need someone to talk to about it that will listen, I am here.
…when life and setting my own p(e)ace isn’t working out.
If you follow me on Instagram, setmyownp.e.ace, you know that I went to the Harry Potter Symphony event last night. Beyond having a wonderful time in a beautiful setting with a slytherin I am taking a chance on, I wanted to share what the Harry Potter series means to me.
People tend to think that Harry Potter is a fun following (and it is) but it’s more then that to me. The Harry Potter books have allowed me a world to completely escape to when my real world has been falling apart. When I needed to run from my world and the exhaustion of keeping up with life, I would go to Hogwarts, hunt horcruxes, attend hte Yule Ball, or just hang out with the gang in the common room.
Identifying as a Hufflepuff is actually a really big part of my identity. I consider a huge chunk of my personality and a sort of moral compass. I try to live by the values of loyalty and hard work, offering acceptance to anyone who has ever felt left out. I am quite proud of making this a part of who I am on a daily basis and wearing my Hufflepuff gear proudly when the occasion allows.
I really don’t know what I would have done in those times without Harry Potter and his adventures. So when I get emotional at events like this it’s about more than just being a nerd. I got to share that with someone on Sunday and it was really nice so I wanted to share it with all of you!
What is your go to escape when setting your own p(e)ace is overwhelming?
There is a car in my complex that has a sun shield. It is always up and every time I walk past it I think, ‘wow that’s really wrong’ and feel bad for the person who follows it’s mantra of ‘The safest risk is the one you don’t take.’ You know I want to create a safe space with no judgement but come on. I hope the person who owns it interprets it differently then I do. To never take a risk or a chance though? What kind of life is that?
Along those lines I have decided to fully jump into my latest risk and take a chance on love…again. I have written about this man before and we have been apart for about a month. A week ago today we reconnected and it’s been pretty magical (he is taking me to the Harry Potter symphony event so I thought this word appropriate) ever since. Yesterday I found myself worrying though that it wouldn’t work which is why I think I am just writing about it now. It’s a fair thing to worry about; it’s a scary risk. However, the worry was taking over my brain and making me act weird – so I am letting the worry and fear go. I am a better person for myself and for him without it.
Despite it being a scary leap to take, I have decided to jump in. Jumping in all the way is the only hope it has of working. I am going to do my best to let the fear go and enjoy the here and now of this man and this relationship. There is so much good in it and him and us together that I whole heartedly believe this relationship and time together is worth the risk.
What are you taking a chance on? I want to hear your stories.
Set My Own P(e)ace 