…not really but you will get it when you read.

I didn’t plan on you. I didn’t not plan on your either but I didn’t forsee you coming. I find myself waiting for your texts during the day. I find myself waiting on the weekends when we get to spend time together. I find myself waiting on a touch or a kiss when we are together. When it comes the feeling ranges from small sparks to fire (in a good way). Been a long time since I have felt that. It’s a little scary because now it means I have something to lose. This is also usually the phase where I enter over analyzing everything. I am trying really hard not too. You are the first person who has given me no reason to. Who has gone out of your way to ensure I feel secure and I am able to express what I am feeling and actually listen and not just tell me I am wrong and to shove it back down. You can express your side without invalidating mine adamantly. We talk about it and it’s over and we are back to being just us. There is no prolonged period of wondering if it’s over or how wrong I am as a person. I am finding it hard to trust the security – like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. But that’s my stuff not his. He listens to what I say and takes it to heart. It’s honestly amazing. That’s hard to master. In those moments he looks at me like I am a cupcake and he hasn’t had a sweet in 10 years. Not like he needs it but he really wants it down to his core. It’s the best way I can describe. Like I am not just the nearest or most convenient thing to get his rocks off and not much more. It’s real hot. I didn’t see you coming along, but I am glad you did.

I wrote this almost a month ago lol Time to share I suppose and trust it wont jinx it.

…is ruining my night and my shirt.

Let me start by saying I have no idea if those are real terms. They are just my best descriptors of the anxiety I have right now (and will have h til this event is over). My big annual volunteer appreciation event is 9 days away and I am having nothing but anxiety, particularly right now. I keep thinking of things that could potentially go wrong and putting reminders of things to do in my calendar. I’m now gonna get less sleep then I need. To top it all off I’ve been exposed to Covid…again with horrible timing for this event. All my super powers of anxiety are all laser focused on this event. What if I fuck it up and everyone hates it? What if I get fired? Calculating exactly how long I could survive on what I’d get if I got fired at this exact moment. Did I get too much of something and not enough of something else. Should I go reread the rental agreement in case I missed a weird detail that will ruin the whole night? Yanno, rational things like that. It’s really not fun and I’m not having a good time.

…is pretty scary.

Me and ‘Jay’ (what I am going to call him) have decided to make things titled and official. I am someone’s Girlfriend again. It feels really nice. He’s a good man who makes my stomach flip when he kisses me. But it’s also scary – having someone to lose again. Maybe it’s because I got dumped repeatedly by someone from my past that I am completely freaked out and convinced and just waiting for it to happen again. Learning to sleep with someone in the same bed again has been exhausting. I have gotten very used to hogging my whole bed up…and I like it. But I like having him there to before sleep and waking up. Maybe I have sleeping space issues hahahaha I suppose as far as having things to lose – it’s worth the risk. As a good friend says, ‘gotta risk it to get the biscuit.’

…I am messed the fuck up from my 12 hour day yesterday.

It shouldn’t be a problem for me to do an occasional long day. But I am not okay. My body is not having it. My muscles are exhausted and in pain. I can barely keep my eyes open and my brain isn’t all here. I am trying really hard to push through and get some work day done. I am trying not to look and act miserable but I am fucking miserable. Why don’t I just call out sick? Because with long covid I would run out of sick time like that if I did that every time I had a bout with this shit. Also, nothing would ever get done. Must keep going, must keep trying. Mind over matter. I can do this.

We Got History

We don’t have each other’s numbers anymore
We don’t make any plans Friday night
And I won’t know you when you’re turning 64
But nobody knew you better at 25

Well, I’d be lying if I said
That you don’t wind up in my head
We don’t dream about tomorrow like before
All we have is looking back
And that’s alright

‘Cause we got spring break ’08
Down in Pensacola
Drunk and singing Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Yeah, we got so high, first time
Back of your Corolla
Told me, “Baby, don’t you stop kissing me, kissing me”
I know we don’t have a future anymore
But damn, we got history

Everybody’s got that one they can’t forget
That got away, I gotta say
You were mine
But you can’t try to tell me yesterday is gone
When I still go there all the time

‘Cause we got spring break ’08
Down in Pensacola
Drunk and singing Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Yeah, we got so high, first time
Back of your Corolla
Told me, “Baby, don’t you stop kissing me, kissing me”
I know we don’t have a future anymore
But damn, we got history

Oh, you know we got history, baby, yeah
I’d be lying if I said
That you don’t wind up in my head

‘Cause we got spring break ’08
Down in Pensacola
Drunk and singing Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Yeah, we got so high, first time
Back of your Corolla
Told me, “Baby, don’t you stop kissing me, kissing me”
I know we don’t have a future anymore
But damn, we got history

I know we don’t have a future anymore
But damn, we got history
Yeah girl, we got history

Songwriters: Jordan Schmidt / Mitchell Tenpenny / Andy Albert / Devin Dawson

…I am apparently a Dobler.

My gesture was received as charming so phew. He actually seemed to really like and appreciate it. Maybe there are men out there who think my form of affection is nice and welcome. Who knew?

Speak of…We had out first sleepover and I am reminded that sharing a bed takes some patience and practice. Patience on his part with my tossing and turning and practice on my part. I have gotten so used to having a whole bed to myself again that it was difficult. I was worried all my wiggling would keep him up (P.s. it did) and I couldn’t fall asleep. I also forgot how hot it is. Phew it got hot – not in the good way thanks to my period but you know what I mean. Definitely gonna take some getting used to. But yeah, that’s my update! lol