I am in the middle of a big life change that is including a move. Everyone knows moves are so full of stress one could burst. On top of that, my landlord is coming over so I do some dishes and the sink is completely backed up with gross back water. AWESOME. That is after getting into a snip fight with my dude. At this point I had already been feeling so anxious that my digestive system was feeling the pain (sure sign of Andrea Anxiety) then the sink just chucked me over the edge of anxiety canyon. I am dealing with the sink and I can feel my anxiety over running my body. It’s shutting down and on its way to non functional. I think it just hits a certain point and my body decides it can’t handle my brain any longer. It just gets fed up and peace’s out. I logic myself into the ground and it doesn’t matter. The anxiety wins. It passes eventually but that doesn’t help in the moment. In the moment the world is crumbling and it’s my fault that it’s crumbling and all is going to shit because of me. I know that isn’t really happening but it’s an accurate description of how it feels. It’s really terrible and I am so sick of it. Anyone else feel the same way?
Now that the highest anxiety is wearing off my body is just shaking with leftover bodily affects of it. Likely the digestive affects will stick around for a bit.
…whatever installment this is! I lost track. This one goes out to my best friend (you know who you are!)
Grow as We Go
by: Ben Platt
You say there’s so much you don’t know You need to go and find yourself You say you’d rather be alone ‘Cause you think you won’t find it tied to someone else Ooh, who said it’s true That the growing only happens on your own? They don’t know me and you I don’t think you have to leave If to change is what you need You can change right next to me When you’re high, I’ll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow And we’ll take it slow And grow as we go Grow as we go You won’t be the only one I am unfinished, I’ve got so much left to learn I don’t know how this river runs But I’d like the company through every twist and turn Ooh, who said it’s true That the growing only happens on your own? They don’t know me and youYou don’t ever have to leave If to change is what you need You can change right next to me When you’re high, I’ll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow And we’ll take it slow And grow as we go Grow as we go Grow as we go Grow as we go I don’t know who we’ll become I can’t promise it’s not written in the stars But I believe that when it’s done We’re gonna see that it was better That we grew up together Tell me you don’t wanna leave ‘Cause if change is what you need You can change right next to me When you’re high, I’ll take the lows You can ebb and I can flow We’ll take it slow And grow as we go Grow as we go Grow as we go
Sometimes if feels like your life changes overnight and without warning (even when there is clearly some warning) and this happened to me this week. I am still try to recover from it and it might sound dramatic but it’s making me fee a lot of things.
Big Change #1
My boss is leaving. Some people consider this a big deal and others wont. For me, it is somewhere in between. I used to be quite close with her and we worked together well. That dynamic changed about 1.5 years ago but has been improving. Sometimes I am really sad she is leaving, others I am a bit relieved I wont be disappointing her anymore. This will come with a lot of added responsibility on me too which is totally freaking me out now that it’s really happening and not some hypothetical. I know I can do it and have the skill set but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.
Big Change #2
My roommate is moving to Colorado. I know that roommates aren’t forever but I really like my roommates company and friendship. It is really hard to find someone you are compatible to live with and enjoy living with on top that. She is taking her pup with her which is just breaking my heart in two. Again, this was something I knew was coming but I got super emotional about and still kind of am.
With her removal from the apartment, I am left to make big choices I don’t particularly want to make (but that’s life I suppose). What do I do? I definitely can’t afford to live on my own to SoCal so as I see it these are my options. 1) Stay where I am and play roommate roulette (scary). 2) Move and play roommate roulette (scary and I have to move). 3) My dude and I move in together (not super scary but I have to move all my stuff, and are we ready for that?)
#3 is honestly my favorite choice but I don’t know if it’s the right one…especially for him. I need some solid ground to stand on and I would love for that to be this move and this relationship. As much as I want it though, I am not sure we are ready for that. Is it fair to ask him to jump into being ready for that? No. Can I help the situation I am in right now? No. Could pursuing this move make or break the relationship? Yes. It’s not easy all the way around. I want to do what is right for us and especially for him; his happiness is high on my priority list.
All of this has been really overwhelming for me these past few days. I seriously feel that I have a hit a breaking point and lost some of my control in setting my own p(e)ace. I feel a little lost and really, really need someone to just be there and help me talk it through to figure it out. But I can’t have hit a breaking point because right now there isn’t anyone who can be that person just inherently. My dude is actually doing a great job being this person but he still needs to think of himself (and I absolutely want him to do so) in the whole ‘should we move in situation’ so it’s hard for someone to think that through and be the person I blabber on to all the time…it’s a lot to ask of someone. *last night he was super sweet and said that in my silence he knew I needed him to tell me that we were okay so ‘We are okay’ and I looked at him and thought damn this man knows me and I could not adore him more in this moment* My best friend in the O.C. is going through the same loss of a boss and potential loss of a place to live (not same timing though to take my spare room). My roommate is dealing with moving to different state which exciting but is not easy (this I know). My family members have their own stuff to get through so I can’t bother them with any of this. How do you rely on yourself when yourself is kind of falling apart?
I am a ball of anxiety and I don’t know what to do. BUT I do know I will figure it out and just keep swimming. I will turn challenge to strength and prove I have guts and guile.