Lyrics to Live By…

…I Am Not Okay performed by Jelly Roll

I am not okay
I’m barely getting by
I’m losing track of days
And losing sleep at night
I am not okay
I’m hanging on the rails
So if I say I’m fine
Just know I learned to hide it well

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright

I woke up today
I almost stayed in bed
Had the devil on my back
And voices in my head
Some days, it ain’t all bad
Some days, it all gets worse
Some days, I swear I’m better off
Layin’ in that dirt

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright

Gonna be alright
Gonna be alright

I know one day
We’ll see the other side
The pain’ll wash away
In a holy water tide
And we all gonna be alright

I know, I can’t be the only one
Who’s holding on for dear life
But God knows, I know
When it’s all said and done
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright
It’s not okay
But we’re all gonna be alright
I’m not okay
But it’s all gonna be alright

Songwriters: Ashley Glenn Gorley / Casey Brown / Taylor Delmar Phillips / Jason Bradley De Ford

12.31.23

a date that wont happen for a long time.

Thinking about today’s date, not only that it’s NYE, but today’s actual date. It’s a once in a lifetime thing. I have had so many once in a lifetime things happen this year. I fell in a mutual and respectful love. Never thought I would get that. Always thought I would constantly be the one sacrificing to make a relationship work. But turns out that isn’t the case. There can be a mutual love. Is it always a 50/50 split – no. That’s unrealistic. Sometimes he needs more sometimes I need more. But we both understand that and are happy to support the other when needed. I am getting a new niece which is amazing. Adding her to my list of wonderful kids in my life is a pure gift. Especially since I get to sniff her newborn smell in about a month. That smell is awesome! I got proposed to and for the first time in my whole life my name is no longer Smith. I got my first tattoo in 15 years then my third. I continue to have the greatest dog on the planet who is the best (most of the time) and I couldn’t possibly live without. Visited Salem, MA for the first time. That was amazing. There were some rough points too but I am really happy and lucky to arrive at this cool date and the end of the year pretty darn happy with myself and my life. I hope I make others lives just has happy. Or help to anyway lol Love you all!

Another Infection…

…in my ear this time around.

I now have an ear infection and am on antibiotic ear drops. Wooooo. Another trip to urgent care and the pharmacy. I do have the best man and friend in the world though who put ten ear drops each in my ears since then hahahaha It’s way easier to have someone else do it. It’s really nice to have these fine folks in my life who love me enough to do that for me. I will write about the move later – but know that I am moved in and exhausted. But happy to be living with my man and starting our joint lives.

Lyrics to Live By…

…Love my Anyway performed by Pink Ft. Chris Stapleton (I feel like this song is my anthem and what I cry out for and finally have)

… Even if you see my scars
Even if I break your heart
If we’re a million miles apart
Do you think you’d walk away?
If I get lost in all the noise
Even if I lose my voice
Flirt with all the other boys
What would you say?

… Could you?
Could you?
Could you love me anyway?

… Is it for better or for worse
Or am I just your good time girl?
Can you still hold me when it hurts
Or would you walk away?
Even if I scandalize you
Cut you down and criticize you
Tell a million lies about you
What would you say?

… Could you?
Could you?
Could you?
Could you love me anyway?
Could you? (Aw, could you?)
Could you? (Could you?)
Could you?
Could you love me anyway?
Could you?

… Could you? (Could you still love me?)
Could you? (Pick up the pieces of me?)
Could you? (Could you still love me?)
Could you love me anyway?
Could you? (Ooh, could you still love me?)
Could you? (Pick up the pieces of me?)
Could you? (Could you still love me?)
Could you love me anyway?
Could you? (Could you catch me when I fall?)
Could you? (And we rise above it all)
Could you? (And hold me when it hurts)
Like it’s the end of the world

… Could you?
Could you?
Could you?
Could you?

Songwriters: Alecia B. Moore / James Allen Shamblin II / Tom Douglas

Someone Has to Speak For Me…

…and that person is me.

Relationships are really hard and are so much work. I started to give too much of myself away to accommodate my relationship. I started to get small. If you know me, really know me, you that nothing about me is small (insert insecure body joke here). I have a big personality and I am unafraid to show it off. Any you know what? I like that about myself, I really do. I am done toning that down for other peoples comfort, inside and outside of my relationship. Hopefully everyone can just love me for me. Hopefully I will feel better and less trapped in a box that other people are trying to fit me into or want me to fit into. I am not saying that a relationship shouldn’t change you some, but not who you are at your core and it definitely shouldn’t make you feel small. I hate feeling small. Goes against my entire nature. I suppose we will see how the world reacts to me just being me with my big personality. I hope well. I hope it leads to good things and happiness. But then again, I guess we all hope for that. To be loved for exactly who we are, warts and all.

Speaking up for yourself in a way that other people will hear you is a tough trick though. Can’t be too honest or harsh or you lose their attention. Can’t be too soft spoken because they can’t hear that either. I don’t want to be harsh or hurt anyone – I just want my voice to matter as much as everyone else’s does to me. I just can’t swallow it anymore. I wont be berated into shutting down anymore. I have to be vocal. I have to express what I am thinking and feeling, even if it’s unpopular. Hopefully it matters.

Lyrics to Live By…

…Holiday Edition!

“Merry Christmas Means I Love You”
(with Trisha Yearwood)

It’s that time of year again
That we spend with family and with friends
Good tidings we send
Of love without end
Amen

Lately we fight instead
On just how the tidings should be spread
We lightly tread
On words that are said or read

But if love is the gift that you’re giving
Whatever you call it is cool
No matter what your nation or god
So happy holidays, Hanukkah, Christmas, Kwanzaa, Yule
Season’s best, Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas, when I say
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas means I love you

So this year I’m hoping for
A gift that you can’t get from the store
To love and adore like never before and more

So maybe this holiday
When someone you don’t know comes your way
Whatever you say to honor the day is ok

‘Cause if love is the gift that you’re giving
Whatever you call it is cool
No matter what your nation or god
So happy holidays, Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, Yule
Season’s best, Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas, when I say
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas means I love you

Merry Christmas, when I say
Merry Christmas to you
Merry Christmas means I love you

Garth Brooks and Tricia Yearwood - Christmas Together - Amazon.com Music

Honestly, How Often Do You…

…get to be yourself?

I was really contemplating this last night as I was thinking about being around my family for Christmas. Are you really your true self around the people you know and love or do you feel like slightly different version of yourself with each of them? I do, I change things or hide things in order to be more aligned with their set of standards and what will make them love me. Honestly, it’s exhausting. Why can’t we all just be who we are and have everyone love us anyway. So Hi, I am Andrea. I have horrible anxiety and honestly the best treatment is marijuana. I smoke weed. I don’t think it is any worse for your then alcohol or other forms of smoking. I mess up a lot and I hate the injustices done inside my world and outside of it. I hate that most people are blind to other peoples feelings because they matter most to themselves. I love the corny things about Christmas, really I do. I don’t know if I want to get married. I definitely do want to get engaged. I don’t want kids because they need to be your whole life and I don’t want to give over my life. Also, I think you really need to want kids to devote what it takes to raising them. I don’t. I like my selfish life full of nights out, travel and sleep. I am also kind of sick of justifying that choice. I will love all of your kids till my dying days, I will. I just don’t really want my own. I want to see all the things the world has to offer and not be tied within a ten foot radius of my house. I love my dog an insane amount. He’s be cutest best dog ever. No contest. I like exercising and hate eating well. I get really excited about things and sometimes I way overreact and I am overs sensitive. That is my best estimation of the true me that I am right now. Take it or leave it.

Audible with Andrea…

…’Where the Crawdad’s Sing’

SPOILER ALERT – If you haven’t read or listened to it, skip this entry.

I bought the book but wound up listening to it on Audible. I really enjoyed the book and most of the narration (I hated how she did Kya’s voice). It was an interesting take on human nature as affected by nature and the influence those in our lives have on us and who we turn out to be, even those that seem minor. Also, the lack there of. What does the lack of the affection we need when young and not so young do to us? How many betrayals can one take before nature takes its course.

Again, if you haven’t read the book stop reading now.

The mystery of Chase’s untimely demise. After a ride, the people find Kya not guilty. I personally thought it was Tate, but I was wrong. It was just in nature and deserved though which matches Kya’s perspective. Kya got over being betrayed – that wasn’t her motivation. After watching her dad beat everyone, and after Chases beating and attempted rape of Kya he surely deserved it. But what is unique here is that in natures terms, Kya wasn’t doing anything that wasn’t normal. Many females in nature off their mate for a lot less. Self-defense is one of the best in nature. Eat or be eaten and Kya wasn’t one to be eaten. Tate worked to protect her memory after finding her secret without even knowing the whole story (as far as we know although he suspected). Personally, I didn’t think less of her for having done it. Self-defense is important and facing a lifetime of terror, I understood it. Definitely worth the read about life, love, and survival of the fittest.

Loving ‘Loving Day’ and…

…feeling inspired by all of the posts.

Yesterday was Loving Day, the anniversary of the historic court case that made interracial marriage legal. I saw so many wonderful posts from so many loving couples. It was so great to see love spreading across social media and not hate. It inspired me so much and lifted my soul. I can’t believe there was a time where interracial couples or same sex couples couldn’t marry. That seems so crazy to me and so backwards. Love is a wonderful thing and there should be more of it. It should be celebrated and lifted up, not shamed or put down. Love rarely looks like what you expect in any relationship and I love that. Keep spreading the love y’all and thank you for those who have fought, are fighting, and continue to fight for happiness and equality.

Hiked to the Top of Yosemite Falls…

…and it was mentally and physically exhausting – but I am proud I did it!

10+ miles (hiked around at the top), 8 hours, and 2,881 feet in altitude gain later my dude and I hiked to the top of Yosemite Falls! It was switch back after switch back after switch back. I kept telling myself to take it one switchback at a time. Half way up, the trail takes you pretty close to the fall and you can feel the mist from it. That was super cool. Other hikers were really nice and encouraging as well which was so nice. I felt the comradery for sure. We picked up a hiking stick along the way and named it ‘sticky’ kinda like clippy (that paperclip from the old version of word who was always offering advice lol). It was funny! We finally reached the top four hours in. We put our feet in the water running just before going over the falls. My dude went all the way in which was impressive because it was really cold.

We didn’t get too much time at the top because I knew I would be slow going down. I have a bad knee and I am carrying extra weight so it would be hard on my joints. Also, it was kind of scary! Going down the switch backs and seeing over the edge – slipping and tripping along the way. I eventually sent my mind to what I am calling ‘the void’ in our race against the sun and started moving a little faster. The way down seemed as though it would never end. People were flying down without any fear and I just couldn’t do it. I had to be steady. I was exhausted and in pain by the last mile (my poor dude – I was not pleasant I am sure). Then – I fell. I slipped and fell my hip/butt right onto a pointy rock. This is when I just started crying – not because it particularly hurt but because it all hurt and I was so done. My dude was so great and supportive and I was grateful to be doing that hike with him. We finally made it to the bottom just as the sun set (will definitely bring a flashlight from now on). Then I just couldn’t do the quarter mile back to the car and he RAN to get it and pick me up. It was the biggest act of love and I was so grateful for it.

On the way down, we saw someone looking for a girl on crutches. She said she had made it to the top – on crutches! Hole crap. I admire that girl and I hope she made it down okay. There were also people starting the hike when the sun was going down. One looked like they were camping but the others were gonna go up and come back that fast. I admire them too.

Overall – I am really proud we did that hike. It was the biggest and hardest hike I have ever done. My feet hurt so badly after it that I had to ice them and cried. I have a huge bruise on my hip/butt, some awesome photos, and a bonding experience that was priceless. However, I think it will be my last hike of that magnitude. Or at least that steep. I will also a lot more time for enjoying the hike.