Relationships are really hard and are so much work. I started to give too much of myself away to accommodate my relationship. I started to get small. If you know me, really know me, you that nothing about me is small (insert insecure body joke here). I have a big personality and I am unafraid to show it off. Any you know what? I like that about myself, I really do. I am done toning that down for other peoples comfort, inside and outside of my relationship. Hopefully everyone can just love me for me. Hopefully I will feel better and less trapped in a box that other people are trying to fit me into or want me to fit into. I am not saying that a relationship shouldn’t change you some, but not who you are at your core and it definitely shouldn’t make you feel small. I hate feeling small. Goes against my entire nature. I suppose we will see how the world reacts to me just being me with my big personality. I hope well. I hope it leads to good things and happiness. But then again, I guess we all hope for that. To be loved for exactly who we are, warts and all.
Speaking up for yourself in a way that other people will hear you is a tough trick though. Can’t be too honest or harsh or you lose their attention. Can’t be too soft spoken because they can’t hear that either. I don’t want to be harsh or hurt anyone – I just want my voice to matter as much as everyone else’s does to me. I just can’t swallow it anymore. I wont be berated into shutting down anymore. I have to be vocal. I have to express what I am thinking and feeling, even if it’s unpopular. Hopefully it matters.
I was really contemplating this last night as I was thinking about being around my family for Christmas. Are you really your true self around the people you know and love or do you feel like slightly different version of yourself with each of them? I do, I change things or hide things in order to be more aligned with their set of standards and what will make them love me. Honestly, it’s exhausting. Why can’t we all just be who we are and have everyone love us anyway. So Hi, I am Andrea. I have horrible anxiety and honestly the best treatment is marijuana. I smoke weed. I don’t think it is any worse for your then alcohol or other forms of smoking. I mess up a lot and I hate the injustices done inside my world and outside of it. I hate that most people are blind to other peoples feelings because they matter most to themselves. I love the corny things about Christmas, really I do. I don’t know if I want to get married. I definitely do want to get engaged. I don’t want kids because they need to be your whole life and I don’t want to give over my life. Also, I think you really need to want kids to devote what it takes to raising them. I don’t. I like my selfish life full of nights out, travel and sleep. I am also kind of sick of justifying that choice. I will love all of your kids till my dying days, I will. I just don’t really want my own. I want to see all the things the world has to offer and not be tied within a ten foot radius of my house. I love my dog an insane amount. He’s be cutest best dog ever. No contest. I like exercising and hate eating well. I get really excited about things and sometimes I way overreact and I am overs sensitive. That is my best estimation of the true me that I am right now. Take it or leave it.
SPOILER ALERT – If you haven’t read or listened to it, skip this entry.
I bought the book but wound up listening to it on Audible. I really enjoyed the book and most of the narration (I hated how she did Kya’s voice). It was an interesting take on human nature as affected by nature and the influence those in our lives have on us and who we turn out to be, even those that seem minor. Also, the lack there of. What does the lack of the affection we need when young and not so young do to us? How many betrayals can one take before nature takes its course.
Again, if you haven’t read the book stop reading now.
The mystery of Chase’s untimely demise. After a ride, the people find Kya not guilty. I personally thought it was Tate, but I was wrong. It was just in nature and deserved though which matches Kya’s perspective. Kya got over being betrayed – that wasn’t her motivation. After watching her dad beat everyone, and after Chases beating and attempted rape of Kya he surely deserved it. But what is unique here is that in natures terms, Kya wasn’t doing anything that wasn’t normal. Many females in nature off their mate for a lot less. Self-defense is one of the best in nature. Eat or be eaten and Kya wasn’t one to be eaten. Tate worked to protect her memory after finding her secret without even knowing the whole story (as far as we know although he suspected). Personally, I didn’t think less of her for having done it. Self-defense is important and facing a lifetime of terror, I understood it. Definitely worth the read about life, love, and survival of the fittest.
Yesterday was Loving Day, the anniversary of the historic court case that made interracial marriage legal. I saw so many wonderful posts from so many loving couples. It was so great to see love spreading across social media and not hate. It inspired me so much and lifted my soul. I can’t believe there was a time where interracial couples or same sex couples couldn’t marry. That seems so crazy to me and so backwards. Love is a wonderful thing and there should be more of it. It should be celebrated and lifted up, not shamed or put down. Love rarely looks like what you expect in any relationship and I love that. Keep spreading the love y’all and thank you for those who have fought, are fighting, and continue to fight for happiness and equality.
…and it was mentally and physically exhausting – but I am proud I did it!
10+ miles (hiked around at the top), 8 hours, and 2,881 feet in altitude gain later my dude and I hiked to the top of Yosemite Falls! It was switch back after switch back after switch back. I kept telling myself to take it one switchback at a time. Half way up, the trail takes you pretty close to the fall and you can feel the mist from it. That was super cool. Other hikers were really nice and encouraging as well which was so nice. I felt the comradery for sure. We picked up a hiking stick along the way and named it ‘sticky’ kinda like clippy (that paperclip from the old version of word who was always offering advice lol). It was funny! We finally reached the top four hours in. We put our feet in the water running just before going over the falls. My dude went all the way in which was impressive because it was really cold.
We didn’t get too much time at the top because I knew I would be slow going down. I have a bad knee and I am carrying extra weight so it would be hard on my joints. Also, it was kind of scary! Going down the switch backs and seeing over the edge – slipping and tripping along the way. I eventually sent my mind to what I am calling ‘the void’ in our race against the sun and started moving a little faster. The way down seemed as though it would never end. People were flying down without any fear and I just couldn’t do it. I had to be steady. I was exhausted and in pain by the last mile (my poor dude – I was not pleasant I am sure). Then – I fell. I slipped and fell my hip/butt right onto a pointy rock. This is when I just started crying – not because it particularly hurt but because it all hurt and I was so done. My dude was so great and supportive and I was grateful to be doing that hike with him. We finally made it to the bottom just as the sun set (will definitely bring a flashlight from now on). Then I just couldn’t do the quarter mile back to the car and he RAN to get it and pick me up. It was the biggest act of love and I was so grateful for it.
On the way down, we saw someone looking for a girl on crutches. She said she had made it to the top – on crutches! Hole crap. I admire that girl and I hope she made it down okay. There were also people starting the hike when the sun was going down. One looked like they were camping but the others were gonna go up and come back that fast. I admire them too.
Overall – I am really proud we did that hike. It was the biggest and hardest hike I have ever done. My feet hurt so badly after it that I had to ice them and cried. I have a huge bruise on my hip/butt, some awesome photos, and a bonding experience that was priceless. However, I think it will be my last hike of that magnitude. Or at least that steep. I will also a lot more time for enjoying the hike.
Thought I was gonna say love eh? Nope – February is my month of bills. I think we all have one. That one month in which all of our major bills seem to come due all at the same time. For me, that month is February. It consists of car registration, car insurance for six month (save some money paying for six months up front), Valentine’s Day gift (not a bill and I like buying presents but it adds to the month of bills), renters insurance, and every other bill I pay every month. Its a stretch on a non pandemic year when I have full time work and health insurance. So far I have almost everything paid for except the car insurance. It’s a big bill here in CA and it wipes me out for awhile when it comes due. I have faith that it will work out and I will get that and still be able to eat, but it’s stressful. So if you are out there wondering how you will afford that next bill you aren’t alone. I think a lot of us are in that boat right now. At least we are in good company.
I know a couple who got engaged after six months of dating. I can barely get my dude to talk about moving in together after two years. Neither is wrong and neither is bad; they are just different. But when your relationship is on slower end, it’s hard not to compare it to those moving at warp speed. It’s hard to imagine the person you love so much not being so into you that they propose within six months, when you have clear proof that exists in the world. Does that mean your love isn’t as good? No, I don’t think so. But it is still a tough comparison pill to swallow. Which is why you should try not compare – much easier said then done.
A long long time ago There was a volcano Living all alone in the middle of the sea He sat high above his bay Watching all the couples play And wishing that he had someone too And from his lava came This song of hope that he sang out loud Every day For years and years I have a dream I hope it will come true That you’re here with me And I am here with you I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above Will send me someone to lava
Years of singing all alone Turned his lava into stone Until he was on the brink of extinction But little did he know That living in the sea below Another volcano Was listening to his song
Everyday she heard his tune Her lava grew and grew Because she believed his song was meant for her Now she was so ready to meet him above the sea As he sang his song of hope for the last time
I have a dream I hope it will come true That you’re here with me And I am here with you I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above Will send me someone to lava
Rising from the sea below Stood a lovely volcano Looking all around But she could not see him He tried to sing to let her know That she was not there alone But with no lava, his song was all gone He filled the sea with his tears Watched his dreams disappear As she remembered what his song meant to her
I have a dream I hope will come true That you’re here with me And I am here with you I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above Will send me someone to lava
Oh they were so happy To finally meet above the sea All together now their lava grew and grew No longer are they all alone With Aloha as their new home And when you go and visit them this is what they sing
I have a dream I hope it will come true That you will grow old with me, and I will grow old with you We thank the earth, sea, and the sky we thank too I lava you I lava you I lava you
…but I have kind of enjoyed the time this pandemic has provided me.
Don’t get me wrong – I wish all the sick folks weren’t sick and that no one had died – but I have enjoyed having some time for me and my things and for my dude. We had such different schedules that I hardly ever saw him. I sort of wondered if we would be okay if we spent this much time together but it turns out we are better then okay. We are communicating better then ever and I miss him when we are apart. The time together has made out relationship stronger somehow. I enjoyed sleeping all I wanted and feeling rested when I woke up. I enjoyed not stressing about EVERY little and big thing at work. There are so many things I have missed too with the state essentially being shut down, but it wasn’t all bad from my little corner of the world. Does anyone feel this way? Am I crazy?