February is the Month Of…

…bills.

Thought I was gonna say love eh? Nope – February is my month of bills. I think we all have one. That one month in which all of our major bills seem to come due all at the same time. For me, that month is February. It consists of car registration, car insurance for six month (save some money paying for six months up front), Valentine’s Day gift (not a bill and I like buying presents but it adds to the month of bills), renters insurance, and every other bill I pay every month. Its a stretch on a non pandemic year when I have full time work and health insurance. So far I have almost everything paid for except the car insurance. It’s a big bill here in CA and it wipes me out for awhile when it comes due. I have faith that it will work out and I will get that and still be able to eat, but it’s stressful. So if you are out there wondering how you will afford that next bill you aren’t alone. I think a lot of us are in that boat right now. At least we are in good company.

In terms of money we have no money | Best of funny memes | Funny pictures, I love to laugh, Bones funny — I feel ya Gru.

It’s Hard Not To Compare…

…especially with relationship stuff.

I know a couple who got engaged after six months of dating. I can barely get my dude to talk about moving in together after two years. Neither is wrong and neither is bad; they are just different. But when your relationship is on slower end, it’s hard not to compare it to those moving at warp speed. It’s hard to imagine the person you love so much not being so into you that they propose within six months, when you have clear proof that exists in the world. Does that mean your love isn’t as good? No, I don’t think so. But it is still a tough comparison pill to swallow. Which is why you should try not compare – much easier said then done.

Lyrics to Relate Too…

…and spread the lava. It’s all in the timing,

A long long time ago
There was a volcano
Living all alone in the middle of the sea He sat high above his bay
Watching all the couples play
And wishing that he had someone too And from his lava came
This song of hope that he sang out loud
Every day
For years and years I have a dream
I hope it will come true
That you’re here with me
And I am here with you
I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above
Will send me someone to lava

Years of singing all alone
Turned his lava into stone
Until he was on the brink of extinction
But little did he know
That living in the sea below
Another volcano
Was listening to his song

Everyday she heard his tune
Her lava grew and grew
Because she believed his song was meant for her
Now she was so ready to meet him above the sea
As he sang his song of hope for the last time

I have a dream
I hope it will come true
That you’re here with me
And I am here with you
I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above
Will send me someone to lava

Rising from the sea below
Stood a lovely volcano
Looking all around
But she could not see him
He tried to sing to let her know
That she was not there alone
But with no lava, his song was all gone
He filled the sea with his tears
Watched his dreams disappear
As she remembered what his song meant to her

I have a dream
I hope will come true
That you’re here with me
And I am here with you
I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above
Will send me someone to lava

Oh they were so happy
To finally meet above the sea
All together now their lava grew and grew
No longer are they all alone
With Aloha as their new home
And when you go and visit them this is what they sing

I have a dream I hope it will come true
That you will grow old with me, and I will grow old with you
We thank the earth, sea, and the sky we thank too
I lava you
I lava you
I lava you

Sometimes Disney just does it for me…

This is Going to Sound Selfish…

…but I have kind of enjoyed the time this pandemic has provided me.

Don’t get me wrong – I wish all the sick folks weren’t sick and that no one had died – but I have enjoyed having some time for me and my things and for my dude. We had such different schedules that I hardly ever saw him. I sort of wondered if we would be okay if we spent this much time together but it turns out we are better then okay. We are communicating better then ever and I miss him when we are apart. The time together has made out relationship stronger somehow. I enjoyed sleeping all I wanted and feeling rested when I woke up. I enjoyed not stressing about EVERY little and big thing at work. There are so many things I have missed too with the state essentially being shut down, but it wasn’t all bad from my little corner of the world. Does anyone feel this way? Am I crazy?

I Love My Couch…

…but it’s not really about my couch is it?

My couch and I are going to have some quality time together. I don’t have a dining room table or a desk so it’s my work center, my entertainment lounge, and my main living space for the foreseeable future. I love my couch – it’s beautiful, it came with pillows, and it’s comfortable. But that is a small piece of why I love my couch. The bigger reason is that it was a gift from my brother when I really needed it. It holds love and support and belief in my life out here in California. I know that is a lot for a couch to represent but it’s true. I fit on this couch and it’s way to fit into my family when we aren’t together. It’s a place to fit when I displaced from other places I fit but don’t at the moment. When I feel unwelcome other places it’s here to give me comfort in more ways then one. So thanks for being all that in piece of furniture.

Where is your safe place that you fit?

Don’t want get too real here…

…but I’m writing this from a hotel bathroom. Lol

when you find someone who sees the side of you, your most insecure side, and says ‘I’m good as long as you’re good’ I mean that’s the dream and it happened to me. Was having some panic about safety in a city and he took me to comfort zone and said it’s okay. There’s just not a better kind of love. For me anyway. His willingness to go out of his way to make me comfortable is the sexiest thing on the planet. Might sound a bit ridiculous but it’s true.

Why Don’t We Say These Wonderful Things…

…about one another when we are still alive to hear them?

Recently, a coworker of mine passed away suddenly and very unexpectedly. It is incredibly sad. We held a memorial for her at work and all these wonderful people shared all these wonderful stories and traits of this person. It was really emotional and raw and true. All I could think was why don’t we say these wonderful things we think about each other when we are alive to enjoy them?

Don’t get me wrong – I know it is an important part of the grieving process – I just want to tell people these things now and have them tell me now while I am around to enjoy what they like/love about me and what I like/love about them.

Are we scared about the reaction we will get? As women, are we scared we will be seen as ‘too emotional?’ (we have all been accused of that at some point, am I right?) As men, is it just not in your first instinct? As humans are we afraid of the rejection of our true and honest feelings?

Seems to me, the world, and those of us living in it, could use all that love.

2019.99…

…and almost 2020!

I have been thinking what to write that would be as profound as I would like it to be to close 2019 but I think instead I will write what I know about the year in my world and hope it comes out with a little depth.

Change…so much change. My dad got married, my nephew is entering the person phase rather then pure baby, got more responsibility at work, and fell in love. Some of it was great and some of it wasn’t so great. Whoever said change is the only constant is definitely correct.

2019 (in non-chronological order):

My living situation changed as my roommate moved to Denver and I got a new roomie. Still miss Stef bunches, but enjoy living with Emily as well.

Dad got married – this is only a slight change as they lived together for awhile but my family did expand.

I fell in love which wasn’t always an easy process; we sure put love through it there for awhile. I learned that relationships are work but that it’s totally worth it for the right person. I hope 2020 brings more love that is earned.

I got more responsibility at work which hasn’t been the easiest transition. But I am getting there.

My weight has changed as in I have gained about 14 lbs. That doesn’t seem huge and it’s not but it does feel not great. I am not sad about it though because I learned something – happiness does not equal skinny. I am happier right now then most of the time I was super lean. The right people wont care and will see your beauty no matter the numbers (scale or pants). While I am glad to have this lesson under my belt I think it’s time to focus on healthier eating – not my forte – but I am going to try.

I am able to set better boundaries then I was one year ago so that’s awesome. I feel less guilt in setting them which is good.

I regularly attend therapy sessions. It’s been really helpful and nice to have an unbiased 3rd party to talk with about all these changes and emotions in my life. I feel less controlled by emotions and anxieties; although certain emotions and anxieties still hold a lot of power – but it’s a work in progress.

New year – same but improving me. I am always striving for improvement of myself. If you aren’t then what’s the point right?

Resolution: drink more water and get a dog 😀

Image result for free photos 2020 new year — Here’s to another trip around the sun!

Let’s Talk About Sex…

…and how many different kinds there are (not positions…kinds).

Before you’re having sex it’s shrouded in mystery. You have no idea the impact it can have or how many different kinds of sex and ways to have sex are out there. Sometimes it’s simple and sometimes it’s complicated. You can have different types of sex with the same partner. In reflection I find it really surprising and kind of wonderful. Sex sets the p(e)ace in a relationship. I am going to talk a bit about the different types from my perspective. These aren’t universal definitions and I would love for you to add to them in the comments section. I am sure there are many I haven’t experienced yet.

Sweet sex: this is the type of sex you have with someone you’ve been with awhile. You have it when you want to feel closer to your partner. It is high on emotion.

Lust: This is exactly what is sounds like but have can happen for different reasons. Sometimes you’re just in the mood. Sometimes you realize life has just been busy and it’s been awhile so now you’re craving the other person (kinda like how you can get so busy you forget to eat then someone mentions orange chicken and you’re staving all of the sudden). It’s raw and based on pure instinct.

Makeup Sex: Everyone is familiar with this one. You had a disagreement and now that you’ve made up you want to solidify that re connection with your partner. It’s fun and reassuring to each other.

For Your Partner Sex: Sometimes you are in the mood and your partner isn’t or vice versa and you do it for them. I actually really enjoy this type because it allows you to really focus on your partner. You are paying attention to what works for them and building on it because that is where your focus is. I really enjoy focusing on him and what feels good for him – moans and good reactions from him are always fun. I find this very beneficial for both partners.

Reunion Sex: When one of you goes on vacation and comes back after a few days. This combines not having had sex for awhile with your happiness at seeing your partner again. The reminder of their touch (not that you forgot just a reminder) and the joy that you physically feel just being with them.

I Met My Past Self Tonight…

…and I tried my best to save her.

Tonight was the my monthly wine party which is always a good time. My work wife and I sat at a large table. We were quickly joined by 4 other people. Two of them were a very friendly couple and the other two were also a friendly couple. As the night wore on, we discovered that the 2nd couple has only been dating three months. We were talking with the woman (her bf was getting wine) and she mentioned that it was new and she could still cut and run basically (my wording not hers). She then mentioned a meme she saw that made her laugh (it’s funny I will give her that) about a new relationship being like a shelter dog. I will mess your life up for awhile but if you can survive that I’ll love you forever. That’s when I realized she was me seven months ago! I completely had that mentality. I thought “oh this is new I can still have it end and be okay” which is completely a self defense thing. I was terrified of getting hurt, of getting what I wanted after so long and being so scared it would disappear that I had to joke about to rationalize it.

Also, I pushed my limits with my current dude. I didn’t necessarily do it on purpose but I definitely pushed my limits and his. I wanted to make sure he was going to stick around. That lead to a month break up -which I am actually really grateful for as it offered perspective into what I was doing. I got F*cking lucky that our love survived what I put it through. After listening to this woman I knew I had to say something. She was making the same mistake – pushing a good man to his limits. She might not get as lucky as I did and have her love outlast the tests. So I tried to tell her that you can only push so far before you push people away. I hope she took it to heart. I have been there and I have done that. I won’t say that no good comes from it because my dude and I worked through it but it’s definitely a high stakes gamble. I tried to pass on my lesson of don’t gamble with something you aren’t ready to part with.

Anyone else out there relate to me and past me?