It’s Been A Week…

…Yes it’s only Monday.

By a week I am including the last 4 days really. I got a booster shot. Yay! While it was still totally worth it to reduce my symptoms if I get COVID, those side effects were brutal. I had the body aches all over again but also a bout of crippling nausea to go with it. If you know me, you know there is nothing worse in my book then nausea. This was insane tho. One second I am making coffee and in the next second I am running for a bathroom to vomit. No like ‘oh my tummy hurts’ phase – 0 to 60 in a second. Luckily that only lasted about 20 minutes. The body aches persist through today tho. Not nearly as bad but uncomfortable for sure. I ended the night with about an hour of lightning headaches, which compared to the nausea weren’t so bad. Let me stress that I would do it all over again for the added protection.

Additionally I picked a fight with my dude. SO that was awesome. I really over achieved on that one.

Which brings us to today and the dentist. About 4 days ago I was minding my own business eating a mini Twix and ZING pain in my tooth. Guess whose getting her third root canal before 40?! That makes $2400+ into my mouth in the last year. Hell, in the last 2 months. Not fun. Kinda pissed. Luckily, I have a supportive helpful family.

SO yeah – that is why the last few days have not been awesome. How are you all doing with 2022 so far?!

I Hate My Teeth…

…almost as much as I hate my past self.

I was indulging in my mini twix yesterday was my tooth zinged in pain. Not good. Ever since anything set’s it off. Hot, cold, sweet, cold air, room temperature water. Not a great sign. Got a dentist appt on Monday. Just hoping it’s a crown and not a root canal. Had my second root canal last month and it sucked way worse then my first one, don’t know why. Tooth placement maybe. Hurt my wallet too. $1200+ with dental insurance. Fuck me, I really don’t want to do this all again so soon. But if you leave dental work it only gets worse. So gonna suck it up and go and take the emotional and financial hit. I am so tired of going to the dentist. And I really like my dentist. That’s why I go to OC still instead of finding one in San Diego. Hard to find a dentist you can trust. Anywho, send good vibes to my wallet and mouth.

Felt Like A Responsible Adult…

…until I realized that the amount of money I will have in my retirement account will fall woefully short of what I will need to retire hahahaha.

I was thinking wow how much money will I have by the time I retire based on what I have now and how long it took me to get that much. So I ran the numbers and it looks like my retirements will be much like my life – on a strict budget with not quite enough to live comfortably. It was not nearly as much as I thought. I know a lot of that depends on how the stock market is doing at any given moment. I am running some high risks atm to increase my money. It is just a but worrisome. I don’t need to panic about it just yet, but I am also just not that young anymore. Every time I ponder money I think what happened to that five year old girl with the plan to marry a rich guy, divorce him to get his money, and smoke cigarettes. She had her shit together and was a great plan maker. Gotta channel her some more hahahaha

3.5 Hours of Sleep…

…is just not enough for a 35 year old me.

I got called into work last night and worked until 10:00 pm, then had an hour drive home. So I got home around 11:00 pm but had to eat, brush my teeth, and calm down. So I am in my bed at 12:00 pm. I have to be up at 3:45 am to leave my house by 4:30 am to be at work by 5:45 am. At best, that is just shy of four hours of sleep. I started down the mental road of I have to fall asleep ASAP because I only have 3 hours and 45 minutes to sleep and so it went until about 1:00 am which put me under three hours of sleep. Then I drove and hour for my first job and after that went to my second job. I am so tired and as young as I feel in my head, I am definitely older then that. I need more sleep! Is anyone else a terrible napper? I wake up wondering what century I am in. I know I should nap, but it feels risky. Maybe if I just lay down and rest a bit. All I can think is DAMN I thought I was past the point in my life where I worked two jobs and had shifts everyday. In grad school, I had full time school, a part time internship, a part time job, and a relationship. I have no idea how I made all that work. My goodness. I suppose the conclusion here is I am old and sleepy. I have enjoyed this flashback to being young with two jobs, but I think I am ready for on full time one again.

Is it Frivolous…

…if it makes you feel good?

I really like having my SNS nail dip manicure and regular polish pedicure. It makes me feel pretty, confident, and just plain better. It is definitely an expense ($75 per month). And I am pretty poor – but I work pretty hard. Since it makes me feel so good, is it wrong to spend that amount of money on it? It’s a hard week because I just got my hair done too (first time in 10 months) and I just feel like I have spent a lot on myself and my outward appearance. But these are all things I am judged on in my career. I need to present a put together self and confident self and these things do that for me. I feel amazing after and somehow still guilty about potentially not being able to pay bills months down the road if I get a month with less hours. I suppose I shouldn’t worry about problems that haven’t happened yet and just enjoy doing something for me. Do you all have a thing like this? You love it and it’s good for you, but you also can’t super afford it so then you feel guilty. Let me know below.

Driving, Driving…

…and more driving! That is my current life.

I have never been a big fan of driving. In fact, it is a main source of my anxiety. I am afraid of hurting someone (not myself, but others – not that I don’t value myself, it just isn’t what my anxiety floats around). Moving to California only increased that anxiety. Y’all are kinda crazy drivers and the traffic is heavy. Lately, I have been driving at least two hours everyday with my new commute. My longest one way drive has been 2.15 hours (1.75 of that trapped in traffic on the five). Audio books and the no commercial Pandora help, but it is still a lot of driving. I love this new job though so that makes it easier to get into my car knowing what is ahead. I a really hoping I don’t get fatigued with the drive. I can’t move to Escondido for a seasonal job (I am really hoping they keep me on beyond the season). The commute on top of the very physical job (which I love) is just exhausting me a little after a pretty sedentary year. I am incredibly grateful for the work, especially at this awesome job, I just so wish it was closer. I am hoping that once I am used to working a lot again that the commute will just be something I do and not something I have to do. On the bright side my car gets good gas mileage. I know others who work there have a similar commute and that is good to know and good to commiserate with them. To have a group of folks who love their work so much that they are willing to make the same time sacrifice is awesome.

I am so grateful though to feel useful again and be able to put my skills into practice. It feels good. Also, it feels good to pay rent. Between my two jobs I almost had my whole rent payment (only had to dip into my savings a little). I know that sounds sarcastic, but it’s not. Grateful for every penny.

Having a Rough Go…

…and this a safe place to talk about it.

I am having a rough time lately and I don’t want to burden anyone with it. We all have our stuff right? I feel like this is a safe place to write about it and get it out of brain.

I have applied to so many jobs. SO many. I have had 2 interviews and no job offers. I know it’s a tough job market (especially for my field) but man it’s hard to try and try and keeping hitting walls. At the job I kind of have not (that I loved), I have so few hours that I barely work there. My program is essentially cut and it hurts really badly. I (and many others) worked so hard to build it and it’s all just gone. It’s a type of pain I can’t really describe. That probably sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels. So I get shot down looking for other jobs and at my current one. That’s a lot of getting shot down. I will keep trying at both things no matter what, but it’s getting harder and harder.

I am out of unemployment benefits and I am really facing being homeless in two months. If you have read my previous entries, you know it’s top 3 of my worst fears. I have 2 months of rent left to be able to pay with what I have saved and that is scary AF. I worry and have anxiety everyday. I don’t sleep well anymore because I am constantly thinking about it.

I don’t feel like I can really talk about this with anyone around me. I worry they all will feel I have a hidden agenda of asking for money. I have tried so hard not to ask anyone for money and have only done so when it was dire need. So I just internalize all of this and feel myself shrink a little more everyday. I scheduled another blood donation appointment so I can get a $5 amazon gift card. It’s good that is also helps folks but I was gonna take a little break from donating blood because I can still see the hole in my arm from donating months ago, but I need that $5 socked away for any little thing I need but can’t afford, like deodorant, that might come up.

I know I am not alone in this worry and I know a lot of people go through it, especially during the pandemic. That helps a little but it’s horrible. I am going to work out and hope that helps my current mind set. I am trying to keep my positive attitude, but some days that is really hard to do.

February is the Month Of…

…bills.

Thought I was gonna say love eh? Nope – February is my month of bills. I think we all have one. That one month in which all of our major bills seem to come due all at the same time. For me, that month is February. It consists of car registration, car insurance for six month (save some money paying for six months up front), Valentine’s Day gift (not a bill and I like buying presents but it adds to the month of bills), renters insurance, and every other bill I pay every month. Its a stretch on a non pandemic year when I have full time work and health insurance. So far I have almost everything paid for except the car insurance. It’s a big bill here in CA and it wipes me out for awhile when it comes due. I have faith that it will work out and I will get that and still be able to eat, but it’s stressful. So if you are out there wondering how you will afford that next bill you aren’t alone. I think a lot of us are in that boat right now. At least we are in good company.

In terms of money we have no money | Best of funny memes | Funny pictures, I love to laugh, Bones funny — I feel ya Gru.

Full Cabinets…

…and it feels good.

I decided to dip into the savings a little and fill my cabinets with food. I have been shopping on the skinny meaning the only things I am eating that day or the following. I went to Trader Joes, Target, the Dollar Store, Michaels (cheap and good holiday candles), and an Imperfect Produce order. I now have three kinds of Joe Joe’s, pumpkin for Marty to eat, and stuff to make dinners. I feel better – less rushed. I can’t do it all the time, but right now it feel like a good choice. I never thought that full cabinets would make me feel so reassured. I suppose food is survival so it makes sense I feel more secure. The feeling in relation to groceries just surprised me.

Then I used the money I had leftover to get Marty a haircut and bath. He looks incredibly handsome and smells super good. It makes me feel good to know he’s clean and taken care of by me. Makes me happy.

I suppose my whole overall take away is maybe money can’t buy happiness but is can buy peace. It feels pretty darn good and makes me happy. So, turns out, a little money can buy happiness and a cabinet full of food! People who say it doesn’t have never wondered where their next meal was coming from or how they were gonna scrape together rent.

The Money Struggle…

…is super real – especially right now.

I have never had a super high paying job – I never really needed one. I have always made enough to get by without starving, to keep my wine membership up, and have a bit of fun. The start of the pandemic was the end of that. I know I am not alone on this one and I want you all out there to know that you aren’t either.

I did okay with the increase of unemployment benefits. I still worked as many hours as I could get but, I was making it by with the help. I was even able to save a bit which is great because that is what I am living on now. The extra money wasn’t a luxury – it was a necessity. I am sorry not was, is a necessity still. I do not feel it is leaching off the system. I work at a nonprofit that has cut my hour and now my titles and pay significantly. I apply to jobs daily (everything from jobs in my field to cashier at Costco). I need that money to come back in some form. The unemployment I get now is just enough to pay my rent and like three bills. The rest (including food) is coming out of savings or because my dude is nice and I cook and do dishes and stuff (I try to pay back in services lol – not like that! get your mind out of the gutter).

Would it be bad to ask family and friends to pick a bill to pay as my birthday present next month? hahahaha That would be the best!