I do. It’s nice to put some positive energy out there for myself. I don’t do a ton for myself, but my wishes always seem to be for me. My 11:11 wishes have gotten a lot simpler lately. They used to be greedy and extend into multiple wishes. Today, I just wished to have a good day tomorrow. My wants in this moment are that simple. I want to have a good day tomorrow, where I feel secure and like I am making solid choices. Seeing as it’s almost tomorrow, I wanted to share this thought with you all. I think I will continue to keep my wishes simple. Happiness is found in simple moments and actions. Then I can build those simple happy moments together until I have a string to pull into a positive place when I need it. Here to tomorrow and moments of peace.
I have said it before, I don’t like to get political on this blog because I don’t like to isolate people by groups or beliefs. Then I got to thinking about the current climate and happenings in this country and realized that not isolating people based on groups and beliefs is what the country needs to be doing. We need to be playing for the same team with the same common goal – equality and peace. We need to respect our differences, address the issues at hand and move forward together. You can’t stop the democratic process because your side isn’t winning. We need to come together for the sake of the team. Biden and Harris are promoting unity while others promote anarchy for their own gain. Let’s move forward as a team. Team USA yes, but bigger then that team humanity.
I would also like to address the crazy inequality of the response of BLM protests (armed Law Guards/Law enforcement) vs. the armed storming of our capitol (nothing and just letting it happen). If you don’t think systemic racism is real please examine that simple fact. White armed folks are allowed to run amuck because they are white supporting a white outwardly racist (because it serves him well) man but when Black people fight for real equality and their lives they are met with violence and crazy force. It’s not okay all the way around.
So I beg of all humans (especially in this country), can we find a way to move forward and solve the issues of this country? Can we let the democratic process move forward with grace and dignity? I really hope so.
I invite polite conversation in the comments section and will not allow the spreading of hate and falsehoods on my platform (however small it may be). This is a place to set your own peace and hear about how I am trying to as well. Hopefully we can set our own peace as a nation, together.
I am an advocate for setting your own p(e)ace and I try my best to follow that but I mostly find myself worrying about everyone else’s p(e)ace and feelings way more then my own. The trickiest part of this is knowing when to voice my feelings and when not to. Sometimes your first reaction isn’t a true reaction – it is just an overreaction by anxiety and emotion. I have gotten better at not voicing that initial gut reaction for the most part but it still slips out from time to time and I almost always regret it.
Sometimes I think about things a long time before I say them. I know they are important and I deserve to voice them but have to wait for the right setting and time. I never used to wait at all so I am pretty proud of this improvement. Even with all the thought put into timing and how I word them, they are no always received with an open heart and mind, which is hard. All I can do is say how I feel and hope whoever I am speaking to hears it and considers what I am saying with care and love.
Other times, I decide not to say anything at all, wait and see if whatever is bothering me or whatever I am feeling passes. People who know me well can tell when I am doing that I think – sometimes it gets me into more trouble because it builds up inside of me and they can see it then I blurt it all out. Sometimes it works fine and just passes, in which case it wasn’t a huge deal to start.
How do you know what to say and when in order to balance setting your own p(e)ace and taking others into consideration?
Life wears everyone down a bit sometimes so I go to thinking about what recharges my batteries on life. When I started really thinking about it I realized it’s pretty small things.
Wine – I am serious. A really good glass of wine can make my whole day better. I am not talking about getting drunker here, I am talking about unwinding with a tasty glass of wine and letting a little warmth wash over you. Most winemakers put a lot of work and care into what they do and I think that makes a difference.
Exercise – to forget your troubles. My brain moves into a different and less busy space when I workout it. Everything else fades away and shuts off. I have never found anything that does this quite as well as exercise.
People- yep ya read that right. People can one of the big things that drains me in a customer service industry but they also restore you. Friends, family, and interesting strangers all offer new and different motivation everyday.
Goals – little ones. Reaching small goals I have set for myself – like paying off my car or saving for a Christmas present or any small goal really. Reaching a small goal fuels me to the next. Drops in the goal bucket add up quick.
Positive Action- help others. Almost nothing makes me feel quite as good as doing something nice for someone. Could be anyone. I donate blood if I am feeling like I need to contribute something good for the universe. I enjoy getting people little presents or doing surprise favors. Just gives me new life.
…building a successful career, dating, finding her Harry, and learning to live without apologies.
After breaking up Mr. X, I
quietly starting hanging out with another guy and kept it very much on the down low as I wanted to
protect it from all the judgement from family and friends. I was not ready to
answer all of the questions and defend myself as to how could I be ready to
date again after ending a 3 plus year relationship. Again, I did it my own way on
my own timeline. It took a few months and then I decided to tell my friends and
family I was dating a new guy.
There will always be pressure
from society, friends and family members asking you at each step of your life
more and more questions but my best advice to you is to stay your ground, and
make your own way. Don’t be a sheep and follow the masses, stand out and be
yourself.
About 6 months into this new
relationship, my new boyfriend and I had a talk about expectations and wants
and where we saw ourselves in 5 years. Heavy questions at 6 months yes, but we
were both almost into our 30s so I felt these questions were warranted. I
followed my instinct and knew I could not emotionally invest anymore time into
this relationship if I didn’t put it out there what I wanted in life. I told my
new boyfriend that I would give this relationship 2 years at most and if before
that or at that time we both don’t see this going anywhere then we can walk
away. He was startled and shocked that I could put a timeline on a relationship
and expected him to accept that. I told him I know for ME that I will know by 2
years if I see a long term future with the person I am dating. I was NOT shy
and told him that I dated people and I KNEW what I wanted in a partner. We had our up and downs during this
relationship but one thing that was for not misunderstood was MY timeline and
my feelings because I did what I thought was right and put it on the line.
Fast forwarding two years, we
were engaged to be married. My boyfriend has proposed on our two year dating
anniversary and took me by surprise! No mention of anything at all until one
evening when we were walking to dinner after a play and I look over and he was
down on one knee! AHH! I said YES! Here I was over the moon happy and couldn’t
believe it!
Even though I was on cloud 9 with
excitement there were still some friends and family in my life saying the
engagement wasn’t fast enough and you already lost two years and that I should
get married ASAP if I wanted kids. Again, people love to share their opinions
regardless of the occasion or event in your life.
My advice is to always be true to
yourself and take a pause and enjoy moments of joy with your significant other
and let your friends and family wait. We told our closest family and friends
about our engagement the day but the rest could wait.
Dating and having a career is
challenging but it can be done. Don’t be shy to cancel dates because of a
project at work, or pushing dinner plans because you are trying to meet a
deadline. If the person you are dating is truly supportive of your career they
will understand. I hated rescheduling dates but I often did because of work. I
didn’t think it was fair to the person I was dating to have to put up with me
when I was fried from a bad day at work or let alone in a horrible mood that no
amount of cosmos or food could fix. Sometimes we all need a personal mental
health day to go home get chick-fil-a and watch a romantic comedy on Netflix
and that is OKAY. I always felt it was better to reschedule vs go ahead with
the date and end up in an argument or something because I was NOT at my best to
start with.
Sometimes it’s hard to not talk about work when you are on dates but one rule I made was I allowed the first ten minutes of the date to be where we can talk about our days at work but after that no more work talk. I felt like this allowed me to truly “leave work at work” and be the true me and relax, unwind, and get to know the person across from me.
My man and I are about two weeks into our reset as we call it and we hit our first real bump. I have been so happy and a little scared the last two weeks with him, but at this moment I am mostly scared. There are two sides to every story of course and this is simply my view so take it as you will.
He wasn’t truthful with me about our time apart when directly asked, on more then one occasion. I am not so upset about what happened, I am upset he felt he couldn’t tell me the truth about it. At the same time does he have to tell me the truth about it? We weren’t together and he was free to do what he wanted.
This subject (and a few martini’s and me already being scared about my PCOS) lead to some unkind words from me. I am not proud of it and I am sorry for the way I phrased a lot of things I said, but I am not sorry I expressed my fear on the topic. I spoke up for myself and what I needed in the moment and I needed to do that. Also, he isn’t taking any responsibility for his part in this fight and realizing that him not being truthful and concealing things twice, is really what set me off. His concealing things is what lead me to not be allowed into his home. Do I want a relationship with someone whose house I can’t enter?
The big problem was I wasn’t the only one who needed something last night. He hasn’t been feeling well and he needed rest – not my fear and picking at him. I knew he wouldn’t spend the night because he needed the rest (back story – I haven’t always reacted so well to this practice in the past as it makes me feel kind of abandoned. I have worked really hard not to feel that way and meet his needs but it makes me kinda sad still). I didn’t say anything when he went to leave because I really didn’t want him to feel bad or play into an old pattern. I must have looked pretty upset though because he said I did then asked why and I told him….I didn’t word it correctly and I should have. But I think he was so worried about me playing into that old pattern that he was waiting for it and maybe reacted poorly as well because of that expectation? or just because he didn’t feel well?
So my question to you today is how do you best compromise on a way to meet each others needs in the times you both have urgent needs?
Also, I am thinking of suggesting to him that we create rules of engagement when we need to talk about something serious or ‘fight.’ For example, 1) we only discuss the topic at hand – no old arguments 2) no serious talks after alcohol etc. I think these rules will help us communicate better and not fall into old, destructive habits. Does anyone out there have anything like this in their relationship?
At the end of the night I asked him how worried I should be about this ‘fight?’ He had the perfect response I needed in that moment. He looked me in the eye and said this conversation doesn’t change anything. That is my man and even if it doesn’t end up working out that was a wonderful moment of kindness and understanding. It was exactly what I needed and only someone who knows me would have been able to give m that. Hopefully we can continue setting our p(e)ace together and making a relationship based on this understanding and kindness.
I have recovered enough to now share the WORST travel day of my life and how it made me realize sometimes you have to work really hard to keep your p(e)ace when things are out of your control.
On Friday, July 4th I set out to the Tucson International Airport at 2:00 pm; arriving well before my flight took off. All was going according to plan – I had my airport cocktail, got my airport candy, and boarded the plane. Once all people were boarded they come over the intercom and announce that there is a ground delay in Denver for an hour due to weather but don’t worry nothing is leaving either so you wont miss your connection. OK, nothing to do about that and at least I downloaded season 3 of Victoria. An hour passes and they come on again – delayed another hour this time affecting only connections going to San Diego and Orange County (greeeeeat that’s me).
*Side note: I ABSOLUTELY had to be to work by 8:30 am the next day in Dana Point – no other option.
So I grab all of my stuff, abandon my whole row I had to myself, and head up the gangway to make other arrangements. So I am the first in line at the customer service counter and politely ask what the options are to get me near Orange County that night or VERY early the next morning. I am told that I can get a connecting flight to LAX (a huge PITA airport). It’s the 4th of July so I am not about to ask someone to come get at LAX at 11:45 pm (when the plane is scheduled to land). So it’s either Amtrak or SuperShuttle but those will take time to look up and book so I get out of line to make way for my fellow stranded passengers.
Amtrak doesn’t have a late enough train that will get me back and I am not spending the night in a n unknown LA hotel by myself so SuperShuttle it is. The website isn’t working on my phone – no biggie I will call to see if I can book one. I call and miraculously I can book it – I am back in business! I give her my address she mixes up the numbers of them…4 times…ok it’s holiday and she’s busy cut her some slack. we go through all the rest of the reservation ($75 later ouch – but on a holiday Uber would cost me kidney so I do it) and she repeats my address and it’s wrong again. I repeat it another 3 times before it’s correct – really annoyed by this point. Finally, I am done with the SuperShuttle person and I reboard the plan. Naturally someone had taken my row but it was only their stuff so I moved it to the window seat (turned out he was a super nice guy and we talked about comicon).
We finally make it to Denver and end up flying around the airport for 40 minutes because of another ground stop – again not anyone’s fault but the weathers but I am frustrated and the bumps are making me queasy so I am pretty not happy at this point. We finally land and I have just enough time for the bathroom and to catch my connection to LAX. We board the flight…and wait…and wait for over an hour on the tarmac. By the point my head is in my hands because I am going to LAX and likely missing my ride. I arrive in LAX just before 1:00 am. Grab my bag and check in for the shuttle praying one comes…and it DOES! YES!
So it’s 1:00 am and I think well there can’t be that many people using SuperShuttle this late on the now 5th of July. I. was. wrong. I had 5 other passengers and I was last on the list because I am so far away.
So I arrive home at 3:30 am and have to get up for work at 7:00 am. Suffice it to say I made it but that whole day is a bit of a blur. Moral of the story is do NOT book afternoon flights through or to Denver this time of year. I later learned these delays have been happening every day for two weeks.
The point of this story is sometimes circumstances are just out of your control but you can control you reactions. Mine weren’t the worst but I was definitely frustrated and really the only person to suffer from my frustration was me. So I am still working on setting my own p(e)ace with extenuating circumstances that’s don’t fit my control.
While seeing my family and nephew was completely worth this travel day from hell I hope I don’t repeat the experience. Tell us about your worst travel day and how you kept your p(e)ace through the frustration in the comments section.
I am just going to put it out there, for the most part dating really sucks. Dating in this time is the worst and by that I mean dating apps. I truly hate them all but it is the major way to meet people. Currently I am using Bumble and Tinder. I get a decent number of replies but those replies are far from decent. I state clearly that I don’t want to be your sugar baby, submit to your Christian Grey fantasy, and don’t want random sex. Whatever people are into is cool but you wont be talking me into things I have clearly said I don’t want.
So when chatting leads to an actual date I have to preface it with ‘You wont be getting laid tonight just FYI.’ That rules out another 50% of them.
If you actually make it to that date it’s a gamble. Will this person look like their photos? Do the have a squeaky voice? How much will I have to scan around and protect myself from this stranger if it’s terrible? It’s exhausting! I have given every brand of guy a shot – funny guy, nice guy, single dads, bad boys – you name it I’ve tried it. They are mostly the same. After answering all the typical interview questions about myself – The date is good or bad and that’s it. Poof – they are too busy, they aren’t ready to date, they have 2 heads… I definitely wont settle for anything less then the right relationship in setting my own p(e)ace but I am exhausted.
Anyone who knows me wanna arrange a marriage for me? Share some online dating horror stories so I don’t feel like I ma just bad at modern dating hahahaha
@ns_poetry_ photo credit
P.S. in the hour this has been up my date for tonight already cancelled. I hate this way of dating I really do. Thanks for proving my point.
After posting about my new crush yesterday and how much I enjoyed and related to his honesty about his mental illness not being mental weakness, I decided to share my role models that are in the public eye and using their platform positively. I highly recommend checking out their Instagram and other platforms. I have many, many and it will take a few posts to share them all, but I hope you enjoy this first one.
Jameela Jamil @jameelajamilofficial
I first became of fan am Jameela Jamil’s by watching the Good Place. I was told by a friend to follow her social media because she was really inspiring. She is! She shares her experiences and stories on a variety of topics including eating disorders and birth control. She is unapologetically herself and I love it. She an inspiration to tell your story and stand up for what you believe and live by it.
Wil Wheaton @itswilwheaton
I have been in love with Wil Wheaton since he was Wesley Crusher on Star Trek: Next Generation. Putting this life long love aside, Wil Wheaton is an advocate for being yourself no matter what and not allowing anyone to tell you it’s wrong. I saw his talk at a comicon in Phoenix and he was talking about being your kind of nerd. Don’t let anyone take your identifier of ‘nerd’ if you aren’t nerdy about what they are (he used Dr. Who as an example). I related to this statement soooo much! He is also very open about sharing his battle with depression. He is one to admired.
I know for an absolute fact that comparing yourself to others is the surest way to destroy happiness when setting my own p(e)ace. Knowing this does not make not comparing myself any easier.
We are hard wired to compare ourselves from a young age, even before we are born. Yes, reasonably I know that if for medical purposes and developmental milestones are important to track health so let’s skip to school and grades. The first thing my friends and I did when getting a test or an essay back is to compare grades. If you got a better grade you felt super awesome (admit it). If you got a lower, or god forbid the lowest, grade you felt terrible. You weren’t as smart or as good as your peers. It took me a long time to realize this was not the only way to measure intelligence. I began setting my own p(e)ace with intelligence and grades in grad school…that is how long it affected me.
Comparing myself physically to those around me is another destructive habit to setting my own p(e)ace. I was never the skinny girl but I was never really large either. I floated right in the middle. Not thin and hot but not curvy and proud either; I didn’t belong to either camp. If I am being honest, I did a lot more comparison with the thin, beautiful women. I still do this even though I love most parts of my physical appearance. On a recent trip to Hawaii this was particularly difficult. There were tons of beautiful, thin swim suit models around me and it made me really self conscious to compare myself to them. I workout regularly and I am not the worst eater (not the best either…love my chips). I love my muscle and lean look I have gained in the last few years but it still isn’t up to par with those beautiful skinny women when I compare myself. This is a huge blockade to my p(e)ace.
I would talk about comparing my love life with others but my small but awesome readership knows the story there. Most of the time I don’t feel bad about being single.
Comparing myself with others on a financial level is difficult. I work at a nonprofit so I don’t exactly make a ton of money. I live in southern California and it’s expensive on top of not making a lot. I don’t own a house, I can’t do a lot of fun things most of the time due to lack of funds, and others around me seem to have the money thing figured out. I know I make the choice to work at a nonprofit and make what I make, but I still work really hard to be so poor. It’s kind of embarrassing when I got out with family and can’t ever pick up the check and someone else always does. I truly believe and love what I do, but comparing financials is tough in the career world of setting my own p(e)ace.
So how do I stop comparing myself? The first thing I do is remind myself of all the wonderful things I am and have in my life. When I finally accepted my brand of knowledge is more practical then academic I learned how valuable that is in life, especially at work. When I compare to women who may be more beautiful then I am I remind myself I have a killer booty and how working out makes me happy. That is why I workout, sanity. The nicer body is a benefit to my sanity and stress relief. When I feel behind financially I remind myself this is the choice I made and all the benefits of my work for not only myself but those I serve. There is so much beauty in me and everyone; just look a little harder and shine it up!
What battles do you fight with comparison? How do you overcome them?
Set My Own P(e)ace 