Felt Like A Responsible Adult…

…until I realized that the amount of money I will have in my retirement account will fall woefully short of what I will need to retire hahahaha.

I was thinking wow how much money will I have by the time I retire based on what I have now and how long it took me to get that much. So I ran the numbers and it looks like my retirements will be much like my life – on a strict budget with not quite enough to live comfortably. It was not nearly as much as I thought. I know a lot of that depends on how the stock market is doing at any given moment. I am running some high risks atm to increase my money. It is just a but worrisome. I don’t need to panic about it just yet, but I am also just not that young anymore. Every time I ponder money I think what happened to that five year old girl with the plan to marry a rich guy, divorce him to get his money, and smoke cigarettes. She had her shit together and was a great plan maker. Gotta channel her some more hahahaha

Having a Rough Go…

…and this a safe place to talk about it.

I am having a rough time lately and I don’t want to burden anyone with it. We all have our stuff right? I feel like this is a safe place to write about it and get it out of brain.

I have applied to so many jobs. SO many. I have had 2 interviews and no job offers. I know it’s a tough job market (especially for my field) but man it’s hard to try and try and keeping hitting walls. At the job I kind of have not (that I loved), I have so few hours that I barely work there. My program is essentially cut and it hurts really badly. I (and many others) worked so hard to build it and it’s all just gone. It’s a type of pain I can’t really describe. That probably sounds dramatic, but that’s how it feels. So I get shot down looking for other jobs and at my current one. That’s a lot of getting shot down. I will keep trying at both things no matter what, but it’s getting harder and harder.

I am out of unemployment benefits and I am really facing being homeless in two months. If you have read my previous entries, you know it’s top 3 of my worst fears. I have 2 months of rent left to be able to pay with what I have saved and that is scary AF. I worry and have anxiety everyday. I don’t sleep well anymore because I am constantly thinking about it.

I don’t feel like I can really talk about this with anyone around me. I worry they all will feel I have a hidden agenda of asking for money. I have tried so hard not to ask anyone for money and have only done so when it was dire need. So I just internalize all of this and feel myself shrink a little more everyday. I scheduled another blood donation appointment so I can get a $5 amazon gift card. It’s good that is also helps folks but I was gonna take a little break from donating blood because I can still see the hole in my arm from donating months ago, but I need that $5 socked away for any little thing I need but can’t afford, like deodorant, that might come up.

I know I am not alone in this worry and I know a lot of people go through it, especially during the pandemic. That helps a little but it’s horrible. I am going to work out and hope that helps my current mind set. I am trying to keep my positive attitude, but some days that is really hard to do.