Moving and More…

…fun in San Diego and heading to my next chapter.

Sorry for being so terrible about posting. I have been super hella busy moving into my boyfriends place, going to my cousins wedding in Salt Lake City and working. It’s been a lot but all great stuff. I can’t wait to live with this man and get to continue creating this life together. Onto our next step. My roommate is coming too! So best of both worlds. I will miss my old apartment tho – it was an amazing place to be and live. I will miss it a lot. But I am excited to add the next thing to my life and that’s continuing to advance in this relationship with this amazing man. Can’t wait! Hopefully I will be able to write more soon and not just be exhausted – good exhausted but exhausted none the less.

First Day Back In Therapy…

…and I will let you know how it goes!

Before that though I wanted to tell you all a little bit about my decision to return to therapy. You were all with my on my first journey with therapy. I believe that you are never really done with therapy. Do you need it your whole life? No – breaks or necessary. But I can recognize when I need a tune up or I am dealing with a new emotional situation that I don’t have the proper tools for. And that has brought me back. I am trying Better Help – we will see how it goes. I am hoping well. I now have this lovely relationship which is pretty much everything I have ever wanted and I am anxious about losing it. And that is only going to ruin it for both of us. So going back to get tools to deal with this brand of anxiety. Isn’t anxiety fun y’all? I will let you know how it goes! And update you on my latest dental adventures – which were fucking terrible.

Getting Ahead of My Anxiety…

…and trying online therapy with BetterHelp.

I have been feeling a little more anxious lately. Maybe it’s the dental work. Maybe that’s just how anxiety goes – ebbs and flows. This time around with therapy I am going to get ahead of it though. I am not going to wait until I am freaking mess to start. I am feeling a little off balance with the anxiety lately and it’s time to re-balance. Maintenance therapy. I would also like to be the best partner to my BF I can be. Which means learning to deal with some of the drama his past brings. And I really need to learn to live with that better and not allow it to affect me as much. It’s not his current selfs fault and it’s all part of loving him and supporting him as much as I possibly can without letting my mama bear instincts kick in quite as much. It’s a strong and bold instinct in me. So I need to be the best emotion processing self I can be. I just think the whole world would be a better place if we all had mandatory therapy. You need to understand yourself to try to understand and accept and be there for others. So I am doing Better Help for awhile to get ahead of all that and not wait till I fuck up my personal life. Yay for personal growth! I can’t spend my life having anxiety every time his phone goes off. Or waiting for the next horrible piece of drama he is gonna tell me is happening. I need a better way to process all this. And this is the clearest way to gain it I think.

The Key to Long Relationship Is…

…knowing how to fight.

I heard that today on a tik tok of all things and it has stuck with me. Me and my dude are terrible fighters with each other. We lose it. It goes from bad to worse to breaking up (I am actually not sure we are still in a relationship – he’s still mad at me from our last fight). If we fought better maybe everything would go better, including the good times. What worries be it’s been 3.5 years and we still haven’t figured out how to fight. I am not sure how much longer we should keep trying to figure it out. I am not trying to be dramatic but practical. If we never learn to fight it is going to be a long life together. I also just can’t take being the thing that makes him miserable anymore. I can’t take being the reason he’s so angry in the first place anymore. Just can’t. If I can’t be something positive in his life it might be better to not be in his life. When I say that I mean better for him because he wouldn’t have what he seems to consider my negative influence on his life. Again, none of this is meant to be self deprecating – it’s just what I am thinking. He’s told me I am a bad girlfriend and maybe I am. Maybe I try to support him in ways I think are effective and not ways he does. But I think he does the same. So it’s hard to see when one of us is really trying to support the other one.

Someone Has to Speak For Me…

…and that person is me.

Relationships are really hard and are so much work. I started to give too much of myself away to accommodate my relationship. I started to get small. If you know me, really know me, you that nothing about me is small (insert insecure body joke here). I have a big personality and I am unafraid to show it off. Any you know what? I like that about myself, I really do. I am done toning that down for other peoples comfort, inside and outside of my relationship. Hopefully everyone can just love me for me. Hopefully I will feel better and less trapped in a box that other people are trying to fit me into or want me to fit into. I am not saying that a relationship shouldn’t change you some, but not who you are at your core and it definitely shouldn’t make you feel small. I hate feeling small. Goes against my entire nature. I suppose we will see how the world reacts to me just being me with my big personality. I hope well. I hope it leads to good things and happiness. But then again, I guess we all hope for that. To be loved for exactly who we are, warts and all.

Speaking up for yourself in a way that other people will hear you is a tough trick though. Can’t be too honest or harsh or you lose their attention. Can’t be too soft spoken because they can’t hear that either. I don’t want to be harsh or hurt anyone – I just want my voice to matter as much as everyone else’s does to me. I just can’t swallow it anymore. I wont be berated into shutting down anymore. I have to be vocal. I have to express what I am thinking and feeling, even if it’s unpopular. Hopefully it matters.

Living ‘The Last Five Years…’

…from Jamie’s perspective with Kathy’s role being played by my work place.

For those who haven’t seen it, The Last Five Years is a great musical that is about a five years of a relationship told from the perspective of the man and woman living it. Jamie, the man tells his story from start to finish and Kathy, the woman tells her story from finish to start. They are telling two different versions of the same story. That doesn’t mean that either version is wrong or false, they are just different. Their love starts strong and hopeful and their lives just grow apart and their love changes. I don’t want to say it fades, it just doesn’t work together anymore. It was also made into a movie with Anna Kendrick and Jeremy Jordan (swoon) that is on Netflix. Beautiful and worth a watch.

So what does this have to do with my work and I’s relationship — a lot turns out. I started working at my current employer five years ago today. I am excited and hopeful about the job and I felt welcomed and that folks were excited to have me there. We went on like that for about 3 years. Excited and hopeful. Then me and my work started growing apart. By year five, I barely have any hours and I am clearly not missed by my place of work and honestly, I don’t miss it that much either. I am looking for new job opportunities, having been basically dumped by last one after trying to work it out so hard for what feels like forever. I am sure if I had my work’s perspective it would be just as valid (like in the play).

This parallel came to my mind today and I wanted to put the thought down before I forgot it. It’s not that I hate my place of work or anything. It’s just I don’t want to be somewhere I am so easily deleted and forgotten. Something I invested so much time and effort into, erased. It’s not fun but I learn, I do my best while still there, and I look to the future. All we can do right?

Negative Days Are Hard…

…to pull yourself out of.

I had a few things to write about that are all different yet connected.

Let’s start with work. I went into nonprofits because I wanted to do something good, do work I care about, and be cared about where I work. As I understood it, that was a perk of going the nonprofit route and it helped with the ‘gonna be poor’ part (no one goes into nonprofits for the money). I had that for a few years and it was great. I loved it – even the shit days with people who yelled and made me feel less then. It was okay, because then I would teach a kid something or my volunteers would be their awesome selves. Since COVID I understand that even nonprofits have to survive during these tough times – I just didn’t know it would be at the expense of most of it’s employees. But since I am writing this I suppose I am feeling it’s a lot at the expense of me. I didn’t realize that I was quite so disposable and forgettable. I guess that’s on me for being naive and kinda dumb. My bad. I am great at what I do and I know it. I think it’s time to start over at another place with a new mission to support that might need my skill set and contributions.

I am not married. I am in a relationship. He doesn’t want to move forward and is happy staying exactly where we are. I am not. But since I am the one who wants more I have the choice to leave the relationship or move only at his speed, because he wants to go slower. I read some stuff about it on the internet and it said that rushing someone will only get you dumped. But does that mean my timeline doesn’t matter? It’s not that I don’t want to respect his wants, I just want the same consideration. I don’t know what to do. I am hoping it will come to me.

Ideal world. My dude want to get engaged and combine our lives. I’d be good with a long engagement. I help him where he needs it and he helps me where I need it. It might also give me some opportunities to go back to teaching at nonprofits and managing when I work up to it. I love the problem solving in management but I miss teaching daily. I could contribute more to our lives together and moving my work happiness forward. Dare to dream I suppose eh?

It’s Hard Not To Compare…

…especially with relationship stuff.

I know a couple who got engaged after six months of dating. I can barely get my dude to talk about moving in together after two years. Neither is wrong and neither is bad; they are just different. But when your relationship is on slower end, it’s hard not to compare it to those moving at warp speed. It’s hard to imagine the person you love so much not being so into you that they propose within six months, when you have clear proof that exists in the world. Does that mean your love isn’t as good? No, I don’t think so. But it is still a tough comparison pill to swallow. Which is why you should try not compare – much easier said then done.

Do You Ever Wonder How Your Exes Are…

…I do.

Today, I got to thinking what my major ex boyfriends are up to these days. At first I thought it was an odd stray whim, but then I thought a little deeper. I spent a year plus of my life with each of these people. I got to know them pretty well in the phase they were in in their lives at the time and they knew me. We had sex. I know that isn’t a huge deal but when I think about being intimate with someone and then a few years later having no clue what their life is like is kind of crazy.

*this is of my own doing. Once I am done with a man I don’t really want to sit around and watch him move on. But after time passes and disappointment fades – I would like to know what they are up to and if they are happy.

My first love and I have a few people in common so I have a good pulse that he is very happy and healthy. The others just sort of faded into the background of my life. I just find it so weird. Does anyone else wonder where their exes are now and if they are setting their own p(e)ace too? Do they wonder how I am?

Do You Like Your Pajamas…

…cute with an edge of sexy or your boyfriends shirt and panties?

It sounds silly but it is something I have been wondering a lot lately. I usually wear one of my dudes shirts or just undies but I worry that isn’t putting enough effort in. The Queer Eye guys always say to people in relationships that grooming and wardrobe is as much for your partner as yourself. And I agree that you should put some effort in for your partner to show them they are worth that effort. But his shirts are comfy! lol So I have been shopping on the cute with an edge of sexy side and DAMN they are expensive. I have a brand that I like, In Bloom, and I finally found a super cute one on sale. I am happy about this but I want one or two more but it seems like such a weird thing to spend like $50 on. Maybe I am just cheap?

When on a regular work schedule – the biggest chunk of time we spend together is in bed watching tv or hanging out. Maybe for that reason it’s worth the investment? I seriously can’t decide how important putting effort into my sleepwear is.

Wearing his tshirts to sleep in and make breakfast in is about comfort – but not the in the obvious way. When I thought of the man that would be mine and being with him, I always looked forward to wearing his tshirts to sleep in. Have I worn other guys shirts? Of course. But there is something different about my dudes shirts. It’s comfort on another level – it’s homey. It what I wanted those other shirts to be but never quite were. What’s weirder is I feel cute in them (I am sure I look less then cute but hey it’s all about how ya feel right?).

Which side do you fall on? Which side do you prefer from your partner?