…to constantly feel like you are failing at something?
If it’s not work then it’s personal relationships or school or hobbies or something. I always sort of feel like I am somehow failing to live up to expectations of those around me. At work, I feel like no matter how much I do I am always missing something. Something that seems obvious to everyone else around me and I am an idiot for missing. In my personal relationships, I feel like I am never doing enough for everyone and I have somehow failed them and to live up to what they expect from me as well. And everyone expects something different on different scales. It’s maddening. It’s completely maddening. I am not one, but I hear parents say they feel like they are failing at that too (if you are worried you are failing as a parent – you aren’t). When does the feeling of failing stop? Does it ever? Is that part of this culture we’ve created? When is enough enough? Never – off to see what I fail at next. This concept is killing my mental health at the moment.
I know as a human being I need hope. It provides lights at end of tunnels and reasons to keep trying. But Hope is HARD sometimes. I am up for a wonderful job that I really want but I am afraid to hope for it. I am afraid to even tell anyone about it. I have had so many interviews and so many no thank you’s. I have been so hopeful that I tell everyone about the interviews. Then I have to tell them that I didn’t get it…again. So I have only told a few people about the one that is coming up. It’s hard to let myself hope and risk another let down. But if I don’t hope why even try? So I have to hope a little. What the hell does realistic hope look like?
Hope in relationships is hard too. You work and hope and no matter what you do you have only so much control. The other person can decide at any moment they are out. Then all that hope goes away. Then its harder and harder to hope for good as you have future relationships.
Same with dating in general – especially online dating. You think you met someone nice and hope that first meeting goes well. Bad date after bad date causes that hope to diminish until you don’t even wanna try dating anymore.
I am sure there are phases of life and different ways we need hope that I don’t even know about yet!
I have never been very good at either in any type of relationship (friend or romantic). I like being around the people in my life. I am always up to do something fun and often initiate the plans. One of the bigger realizations I have had is not getting mad when someone doesn’t want to come do whatever I plan. I realized it’s not because they don’t like me or the plans – they have their own life and stuff to do sometimes. I know that sounds so stupid but it was not an easy thing to realize and still isn’t sometimes. Giving people the space they need isn’t my forte. Taking the space I need isn’t my forte either. Admitting I sometimes need space is hard, most of the time I don’t really know it’s what I need or would do me good. I have great friends and great love, but still it’s nice to be alone from time to time- for everyone. I need to remember to give my people their space as well as take some for me. I feel it’s a lesson I will keep learning, but being aware of it is a good path.
A long long time ago There was a volcano Living all alone in the middle of the sea He sat high above his bay Watching all the couples play And wishing that he had someone too And from his lava came This song of hope that he sang out loud Every day For years and years I have a dream I hope it will come true That you’re here with me And I am here with you I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above Will send me someone to lava
Years of singing all alone Turned his lava into stone Until he was on the brink of extinction But little did he know That living in the sea below Another volcano Was listening to his song
Everyday she heard his tune Her lava grew and grew Because she believed his song was meant for her Now she was so ready to meet him above the sea As he sang his song of hope for the last time
I have a dream I hope it will come true That you’re here with me And I am here with you I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above Will send me someone to lava
Rising from the sea below Stood a lovely volcano Looking all around But she could not see him He tried to sing to let her know That she was not there alone But with no lava, his song was all gone He filled the sea with his tears Watched his dreams disappear As she remembered what his song meant to her
I have a dream I hope will come true That you’re here with me And I am here with you I wish that the earth, sea, and the sky up above Will send me someone to lava
Oh they were so happy To finally meet above the sea All together now their lava grew and grew No longer are they all alone With Aloha as their new home And when you go and visit them this is what they sing
I have a dream I hope it will come true That you will grow old with me, and I will grow old with you We thank the earth, sea, and the sky we thank too I lava you I lava you I lava you
…causes you to miss big life events and celebrations of people you love.
I have loved being a nomad and living so many different places. I have met some of the most amazing people on this crazy journey and seen some awesome things. I never wanted to be the person who is too afraid to move from the place they lived in their childhood. But for all it’s benefits there are a lot of drawbacks too.
This weekend is my good friends baby shower that I am missing for a few reasons. 1) No money to go home for it. 2) I work weekends as my title is weekend manager. 3) I am taking vacation time next week already. Despite these being good reasons I still feel bad for missing it and not being able to be there. I want to be; it’s just not in the cards. My friend has been super understanding which is really nice. I am watching snaps of them getting ready for the shower and all and I am just feeling guilty and bit homesick I suppose. It is fun and hard to watch the social media posts at the same time.
Still at all the costs my lifestyle has I believe the benefits to my life and setting my own p(e)ace have been worth it. I will say that working every single weekend is starting to take it’s toll on my life; particularly my personal relationships. It has been weighing on my mind so much so that I am using my lunch break to write about it. When do you know that it’s no longer something you can do (because I have bills to pay)?