Does Anyone Else Have This…

…as their first thought when a family event is scheduled?

I have a cousin getting married in September and my first thought was how much weight can I lose by then and what would it take? That is my first thought before a lot of family events/holidays. Why is that? My own insecurity I suppose. I don’t think my family really cares (might judge a bit). What am I trying to prove or avoid? If you are a single woman in your 30’s is this thought more prominent? Am I trying to prove that I am not single because I ugly? Maybe. Doesn’t seem real healthy – mentally. Just wondering if I am alone in this or if it’s common.

Done Dating…

…for awhile.

I think I jumped back into dating too quickly after my relationship ended. I feel completely overwhelmed by it (and by the poor quality of people). Despite approaching spinster age in most peoples opinions, I don’t want to date for awhile. I just want to be me – work, play with Marty and hang out with my friends. That sounds pretty good to me. I am done pressuring myself to find a partner because I am in my late 30’s and trying to force myself into doing things I don’t want to do and I am not ready for. Bring on the spinsterhood bitch. I’m down.

Would not being in a relationship be the worst thing could happen? Is that all life is about. I wont let my life be all about that or the pursuit of that. If it happens – awesome. If it doesn’t – I am still a worthwhile person with value. We need to stop treating single people like they are somehow less. I know I have had my fill of it. Even the people who don’t mean to do it kind of do. That’s almost worse hahaha

Really Fucking Weird…

…talking to someone everyday for 3.5 years then not at all.

Being single again still feels a bit surreal. I know it’s for the best (particularly for him because I can’t give him what he wants) but it’s still really weird. I talked to this person everyday for 3.5 years. They were in my life in a big way, and now they are just gone. It’s a peculiar feeling that’s for sure. I reach for my phone every time something funny happens he’d appreciate. Then I remember I can’t reach out and tell him about whatever it is. And the empty feeling is so unfamiliar and odd. It’s not necessarily painful. I would call it hollow. If that makes any sense to you all. There is a just a hole in my life where he used to be. It will fill. I know it will over time. It’s just weird for now. One day it wont feel like a hole, one day I wont want to tell him the funny things that happen. I have done this song and dance before, but I really didn’t think I would be here again after I met him. But here we are. Life is weird – doesn’t work out how you see it in your mind. That is probably for the best. He will find someone better suited for his needs. I will go back to being me. Maybe I will find someone who likes me for me – maybe not. But it will be okay either way.

Oh the wisdom

A Single Person’s Side Effect…

…or maybe it’s just me?

An unexpected side effect of being a single woman in her 30’s is not being a ‘suitable’ candidate as a god parent. You’re alone. How could you possibly be an effective god parent when no one loves you? Maybe it’s just I’m an unsuitable god parent? Could be. I am great with kids but have no desire to have my own. I am pretty content loving everyone else’s. It’s just that being unmarried has deemed me unfit in this way and I really don’t think that’s fair. But what do I know? I’m just a single woman in my 30’s.

I was thinking about this post (wrote it a few days ago) and I was worried it was a bit harsh. But this is my therapy tool and it’s what I was feeling at the time. Sorry if anyone took offense to it.

Audible with Andrea…

…’All Grown Up.’

My new, long commute has provided me with the opportunity to pick audible back up. I can only listen to so much music and audio books are easier to focus on in traffic and help keep my calmer. My first book was called ‘All Grown Up’ by Jami Attenberg.

I found a lot of the things addressed in the book to ring true to me as a single, childless woman in my mid 30’s. One was that your friends sort of disappear when they have kids. They don’t mean to and you don’t mean to lose touch with them, it is just sort of what happens. Your lives are just so different and how you spend your time is so different. Your priorities are just different, not better or worse, just different. She also address that the first thing people think when they think of her is that she is single. She lists all of the the other qualities they could think of when they think of her, but no the leading trait is ‘single.’ I definitely relate to that. She also has a funny take on being at the singles table at wedding that was amusing and not entirely untrue.

Overall, it was a little bit of a downer for me to fully recommend to you. It’s not that I didn’t enjoy it, but the main character really gives up on a lot of her own dreams – for not awesome reasons and I found it frustrating. She was also a terrible member of her family, not really being there for anyone. I downloaded the book a few years ago and never got around to listening to it. I suspect I downloaded it because the main Character’s name is Andrea and I sort of expected a Sex and The City vibe (which it is not…although there is a fair amount of sex).

Still waiting for my strong character with my name. I just started listening to ‘The Midnight Library’ by Matt Haig and I will keep you posted on my thoughts there!

Finding Money to Spend…

…on myself.

There is a Sex in the City episode that has spoken to me recently. The episode opens with Carrie buying an endless amount of gifts of an endless amount of registries looking for affordable items. Later in the show she adds up how much she spent celebrating one person’s life choices (engagement gift, wedding gift, travel for the wedding, baby gifts) and it’s not a small number. I started really thinking about this concept and it’s completely right.

She also says, “I’m thrilled to give you gifts to celebrate your life I just think it stinks that single people are left out of it.” She’s right – it does stink. I have spent so much of my hard earned money on others that I will never see if I don’t get married or have babies. (Everyone has birthdays that doesn’t count). This is not to make anyone feel bad about gifts purchased for you but it really does stink for single folks.

Every time I go to purchase something for myself I second guess it…do I really want to spend that money? When purchasing a gift I don’t think twice about spending more then whatever it was I wanted for me. So how much can I spend on myself without feeling guilty? Is there any money left after buying all the gifts I need to buy? Is there money for those gifts int he first place?

Does anyone else have this problem?

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